CynicalOptimist

2008-10-17T21:22:00.002-05:00

A kid of mine died.
I technically should call him a student, but I always call my students my kids, unless my 3 biological kids are listening.

I know it might seem odd, but I grow attached to these kids of mine. I see them a few hours a week, and I find myself spending more time in prayer about them than I do my own three. Sure they outnumber my 3 by a few hundred every year, but it's not just because of the number of them. It's because I believe my biological kids to be safe, to be ok, to not have the issues of my students, my kids. Oh, sometimes I believe my youngest does what he does just to get me to pray for him more, but he doesn't live in a world of drive by shootings. His parents might be divorced, but except for a few bad days we aren't bad parents. I know that deep down my son will be ok unless he choses to screw up.

But Tarrell... I know nothing about him really. He's been in my classroom for a few weeks; every other day for 90 minutes. There have been over 50 kids in that class since the beginning of the school year, & even though we're down to only about 25 on the roster, I still don't know the kids like I'd like to. There have been a few days I've blown up & most probably created distance & slowed down the getting to know them. I am not a perfect teacher... I'd have a halo already if I were.

But Tarrell... What do I know? I know that at first he didn't even pretend to do the work. I know that he has always been polite to me, if not obedient. I know that lately he was doing more of the work. I know that he was beginning to act like he might have something to learn in my class.

I know that last night, the night he died, I told a friend about him. You see Tarrell realized that during the silent reading time in class he might fall asleep, so he found a good strategy. He started out sitting, but then he would stand leaning against a wall, or a file cabinet, or leaning over a desk or bookshelf, he would walk quietly & slowly so as to not lose his place in the book. He read.

He read.

No, I don't think he took the notes he was supposed to after he read. But he could talk about what he read.

My students in that class complain about how boring the books are. Classic history-changing books. Narrative of Frederick Douglass, Up From Slavery by Booker T. Washington; Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl by Harriet Jacobs/Linda Trent; I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou; Manchild in the Promised Land by Claude Brown; Their Eyes are Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston... and Watson's go to Birmingham by Christopher Paul Curtis... ok it hasn't changed history, but it does have a history changing moment recalled in it.Some read, some don't.

Tarrell had started to be one of the readers. I was proud of him & bragged about him & now he's dead.& I don't know why.

I don't know how he was in the world. I don't know. But in my room, he was one of my good kids. He was even fun.

Early in the year we teachers tend to sort kids into three categories: The good; the followers; & the bad. & that sounds worse than it is... The bad are the ones we actually try to get to know the best the fastest. If we can get "the bad" to behave better... to care about their education, then the followers won't join the bad. The good? They do their work no matter what. & so I pray a lot for " the bad."

By the end of the year, I don't have "bad kids." Ok, not all are good students, but what I do have are... the kid with an anger chip on his shoulder cuz mom died a couple of weeks before school died.; the kid whose dad beats on him, the girl who is pregnant; the kid whose parents are mad because of homosexuality; the woman who works 40 hours & pays the rent even though she's only 16; the girl who writes poetry about suicide; the boy whose father has a couple of girlfriends on the side & a mom who finds out about it; the girl who wishes she had never had that first drink; the boy who sees his brother die & doesn't expect to live to be 18.

They aren't bad kids, ever. I just don't know why school is not a focus for them at first. I don't know why they don't have respect for their own futures. Why they don't see how school will benefit them.

Though I'm statistically one of the very few folks on this planet with a Masters degree, I don't earn the serious money that education suppposedly promises. I can not tell them that education will make them rich. Oh, I have the statistics to show that it is true, but I don't even earn 43K a year. A year or so ago my kids & I could have qualified for free & reduced lunches too, if their father was a deadbeat... fortunately he isn't. So I can't say study to be money wealthy.

I struggle to figure out how to tell them that education frees the brain & the soul.

It removes chains.
It keeps people from being able to jerk you around with their lies & propaganda & persuasive tricks.
It gives you the freedom of feeling confident about your decisions.
It gives you choices.

How to explain that when the books that say it clearly are "boring"?Boring because 70% of today's youth of all races & wealth read below grade level & do not understand what they are reading. Boring because it's more comfortable to say that than "it's too hard." & yes for my students the percentage of below level readers is higher.

I try to offer a variety of levels of books, but some of the "good" students this year decided to take the easy road & took the easy books. As Emerson would say they are chosing not to till the plot that has been given to them. They are not doing what they know is their best and it will not satisfy them. Usually the "good " students don't get away with it. Usually I take the time to fix the lists of who is reading what to prevent that. I forgot this year.

But meanwhile... Tarrell began to read.

I don't really know what level of book he should have had. I don't know if he is a high reader or low reader. & now it doesn't matter.

But he had begun to read.

The other day a colleague & I just happened to be discussing the distressing idea that some of our students don't expect to live to be 25... that some of our students don't expect their lives to go by with out jail time. Heck, some have been there already... or are wearing the ankle bracelets of home arrest or supervised parole.

Did Tarrell expect to live? I don't know.
Did he expect to stay out of jail? I don't know.

But because of how he had begun to try to do some classwork, I think he did expect to live. I think he wanted to live & stay out of jail. I think he did.

Had he always? I don't know.
Had he always shown respect for his own future? I don't know.

But this I do know.

I think he had hope and dreams, so damn the bastards that shot him. Not only because they took his life and his future, but also because now some other kid of mine thinks that cuz Tarrell died, maybe there is no reason to do school work or respect his own future, cuz he won't live to be 18 let alone 25 either. One of my kids might now think that because he can't control what some bastard with a protected by the 2nd amendment gun can do, why should he even try.

What the hell good do Emerson & Faulkner & Booker T. Washington, Frederick Douglass, Hurston, Jacobs, Brown & Angelou have to say to some one who is in a coffin before age 18?

I don't know.

I do know that they can give those who are still alive reason to hope to stay alive. Reason to believe that those trials and tribulations that make it easy to give up can be survived.

Those who read can be given the hope and the courage to prevail and not just barely survive. They who read can see the honor and sacrifice and pride and pity and compassion that help us to endure with out having to learn everything the hard way themselves.

So damn the man, boy, girl, child, mental infant that shot that blasted gun... & yes I know I told a kid of mine today not to use damn cuz the Bible tells us not to...Yes I know it. But how dare that so called human rob hope from my kids. How dare that subhuman hurt my kids more... How dare it not show respect for the future of all of my kids by robbing one of my kids of his next day & his ever brightening future.

and so I grieve for a boy named Tarrell that I barely knew, and all of my kids who are hurt by his death.

2008-10-01T08:42:00.003-05:00

As I warned myself & others warned me. If he would lie to her; he would lie to me.

I knew something was wrong for a couple of weeks, but couldn't get him to talk as much, which was a symptom that something was wrong, too.

He told me he was giving up the rented house so that he & I could afford life together better. See each other more, have less debt, etc. He was going to see about renting from my mom & work off part of the rent instead of $. But then he changed that into just moving into the semi-abandoned farm house he stayed in last winter.

His stories about where he was sleeping during the moving process had holes & contradictions. Then Monday night his eldest daughter texted me & asked what our status was. I told her that if he was living w/ wife we were over. If he was at that farmhouse, even then I wasn't positive cuz he wasn't giving me updates either.

Yesterday, Tuesday their pastor called me on my cell phone during school. Wife got my number off her home phone, but didn't call it herself. Asked pastor to confirm whether it was a contractor or not like FBE told her it was. Pastor told me FBE had moved back in w/ wife & was blowin on her in church like she was his best gal.

FBE tried calling while I talked to pastor. I texted him that I was talking to pastor. FBE & I talked afterwards. He tried to tell me he was just doing it for short term so he wouldn't get screwed in the divorce. He tried to tell me about how he needed to avoid alimony & extra child support he couldn't afford. He tried to tell me it was so we could be together in the long run. I just pointed out that he lied to me & that he knew how I would feel about him living with her.

Later he texted "lets just call it quits." I already had taken off the ring. It's a pretty ring.

We texted during school & talked afterwards. He still loves me he says, but he wants his kids too. He doesn't know how to have both.

I've told him & his daughter that its over, but if/when he changes his mind & has nothing to lie about, he knows how to find me.

I want wife to know the extent of the lies he told her.
I need to figure out what to do with his clothes & stuff.
I just tried to shut off his credit card on the account we shared, which is technically only in my name. For some reason they can't guarantee that he can't use it any more.

Damn it. I broke every common sense rule. Every common sense rule that every woman knows. I thought it didn't apply to us.

I can't eat. I can't sleep & I can't cry enough.

& I saw it coming. I knew something was wrong. I felt the lies of omission, heard the evasions. I know how he made moving to the farmhouse not a real lie to himself. He did move stuff back into it that he took from it. He just didn't move himself there.

I told him in a text last week when he wouldn't answer the phone, that I had watched him for a year avoid her calls, & delay responding to her texts, tell her 1/2 truths. I told him I noticed him doing it to me & it made me worry.

May you remember common sense & trust your instincts. Don't tell the rules & your guts that they are wrong. Listen. God gave us a brain & intuition for a reason. Use them.

2008-08-17T19:58:00.002-05:00

The last week has been a roller coaster, but here's the short version. I'm wearing a shiny pretty ring with diamonds. Supposedly divorce court date is September 8.

Have to go back to school & get my classroom ready this week. Teaching a different class that has a brand new textbook, that I've not seen. But I should see a lot of last year's freshman in this class which is sophomore English, so I won't be struggling to learn as many names, hopefully... just refreshing my memory. Gawd, I hope they grew up more than I recall.

Shit is just fertilizer

2008-07-10T07:51:00.002-05:00

Ah, it's been a rough few days, but it's working out for the better.

FBE was wiped out & feeling guilty when he saw Wife's pain & got all wishy-washy about the divorce.

Tuesday (the day after I spoke with WIFE), I left my key to his place at his place & brought home most of my personal stuff. I left the key under a letter that told him that I love him & want our lives to be interconnected, but wasn't going to be the one calling or e-mailing or visiting him.

He picked up the letter to read it, noticed the key, assumed I was gone FOREVER and did not actually read the letter until after he & youngest daughter had a really "good" cry. Because they had places to go & things to do to get ready for the county fair contests it was not until a few hours later that he & she actually read the letter & the letter I wrote to all three kids. These two letters made them feel somewhat better, but FBE knew that he & I were at serious risk.

So he called 2-3 times that night, even after 10 pm which we almost never do cuz we get up so early. I listened, explained as needed, but held firm that I wasn't going to be with a wishy-washy. He needed to make up his mind ONCE & FOR ALL. I thought we had already been throught this crap before. First I assumed he had thought it all through & was resolved when he actually filed for the divorce, then we reprocessed it in March, and it seems like I had pointed out to him a few times that if he was truly giving me direct quotes of what he had said, that it sounded as though he still had doubts, so would he make up his mind. He wasn't hearing the ambiguity in what he was saying, but I was & I was certain that WIFE would hear it too, cuz she was needing it to keep her denial going.

So Tuesday & Wednesday I gave him some mental & emotional homework:

1.) Look at his parents' relationship & Wife's parents' relationships and look for patterns that he & wife were repeating or avoiding that created their own problems. For example since he never saw his parents fight, he avoids conflict... plus it's just something that kids of alcoholics often do. Her father is very domineering & her mom takes the shit he gives.... So Wife trying to avoid being her mom, imitates her dad. I know that counselors often ask couples to do this. This forces him to look at patterns not individual instances too. Individual fights can change, but patterns rarely do. My husband changed the extremity of our pattern so that it became subtle enough I didn't notice it for a while.
2.) Create a pro & con list for staying with her.
3. Create a pro & con list for marrying me.
4.) Quantify the number of times since September (I backed it up to before he & created habits that would automatically make me win) that he reached out to her to share his thoughts, feelings & experiences; how many times he reached out to me; how many times he avoided contact with her; how many times he avoided contact with me. He groaned about the actual math of the reaching outs & the avoiding of her, but knew immediately the number of times he has avoided me. NONE. The only time he didn't answer my phone calls was when she or a boss was right in front of him, and then he called me as soon as possible. I told him estimates would do on the other.
5.) He has to share with his kids & Wife & ME his decision and WHY he made it the way he did.

I knew that with 4-6 phone calls a day to me I would win. We talk for 30-60 minutes every morning; we talk for 20-45 minutes every lunch; we talk for 15-60 minutes once we're both off work; we talk 30-60 minutes at bedtime... EVERY DAY that we are not together... PLUS if he runs errands at work, & he knows I'll be available, Plus sometimes in the mid evening if he doesn't have the kids, PLUS just some other random times.

He asked why to do the numbers... I said because standard belief is that if some one thinks they don't know what they believe, they can usually just look at their behavior & figure it out. He said, "Sweetheart, in every category you win. The only things that make me hesitate are that the kids are hurt by the divorce, and it just seems to be throwing 25 years away."

I of course asked about hadn't they had counselling a few times before during the 25 years? (I knew they had.) Hadn't he thought that "if only x happened" things would change before...(I knew he had.)

I told him that one time I had said to my mom, "Wow, this staying married is really a lot of hard work; I'm impressed that you & dad made it as long as you have." My mom said to me, "Staying married isn't something that you work at. It's just something that you do." Now, I told my counselors & couples groups etc that I struggled for a long time as to whether that was good or bad advice. And eventually decided it was good advice for little issues, and one time issues, but bad advice for ongoing & cyclical problems. So were FBE & his Wife's issues little ones, one timers, or ongoing & cyclical ?

AND so it went.

This morning he called. He hadn't slept well even though he finally had airconditioning. He was in mid sentence about how he loves me, when WIFE called. Then after awhile it was time for him to work, so I gave up on him calling back. BUT he did. He told her what he had been going to tell me. He doesn't trust her to be able to be what he needs long term & he doesn't want to go through this process again. He wants it over. He loves me and he thinks what we have is really good; that I am good for him.

Then he said that she called because her advisers had told her that she probably should have just let the divorce happen in the first place & shouldn't try to stop it anymore. AND a counselor told her that SHE probably didn't have the strength to actually make the changes SHE needed to to make the marriage work.

I AM HAPPY!!!!!!!

Oh, and FBE talked to the owner of another company, and was offered a new job starting the 21st. The project he is doing for his current boss is scheduled to be done the 18th. So he won't miss any pay. He will have to redo his insurance AGAIN. His pay is similar; he gets a credit card to buy fuel, but not a company vehicle, which is ok with him because his driveway can't really handle 4 vehicles (his truck, a company truck, his collector's car & his motorcycle.)

& in case you didn't notice it in the previous post Wife ... almost ex wife... finally got a job. She likes it. Oh, and since in this position she works lots of hours, but is still part time she won't be able to have insurance for kids for quite a while..

So now childsupport & alimony if it happens will be based on HER having income. & him carrying the kids on his insurance. Which means less of his income leaving his pocket & going to hers. HOORAY! Plus during this process he's gotten more in debt because of the lawyer, but she didn't... her daddy has deep pockets, so he looks poorer than she does, even though he does still earn more. He got an unexpected bonus a couple of weeks ago that paid off some bills that he had gotten behind on.

& one last detail I should fess up to. I went with him to his lawyer in June and we put the lawyer bill on my credit card & then I transferred it immediately to a new card w/ 0% interest until fall of 2009. The plan is to pay it off with the divorce settlement money. His credit cards don't have enough credit to let him make that big of a charge. He assured me all this week that I would get paid back every penny no matter what happened. I believed him. I had offered money to pay rent & bought groceries a few times along the way. AND he HATED it. It bugged him big time, when he had no other choice. So I told him in June that what I was about to offer would get me in trouble with every one, but that I was willing to put the lawyer on my credit card. He took a couple of weeks to decide he was desparate enough to get it over & done with that he would let me do it. He said afterwards, "You must really love me a lot to do that." I said, "love's got nothing to do with it." He said, "huh?" I said, " I love my kids, but I'm not giving them the money. I loved the ex, but I would never have done something like that for him; I love a dear friend who is unemployed & about to go into foreclosure & probably bankruptcy, but I don't trust them with MONEY." I trust him about money.

He & I have discussed how money should be handled since October, & he has good money sense. He has just had some circumstances that got them behind: wife's illness & unemployment; a wife relunctant to use an inheritance to pay off debt caused by her illness & unemployment; he left a job due to an ethical situation ( the boss was unethical) and the replacement job paid less. And then of course the divorce lawyer kept costing more than originally expected and the price of fuel has doubled (& so did his travel... to see me.) All along I've found ways to pay my fair share. For example if he drove to see me, I paid for our food & entertainment. Then I paid to refill his truck for the drive home as prices rose. I also pay for the turnpike fees through an automatic payment system. On his part? He drove his motorcycle as soon as the weather was almost warm enough; he still paid for our dates in his town when I did the driving. He does chores for me.
______-
Now for totally unrelated. My 9 year old dog got ran over Tuesday morning while I was packing & doing dishes etc at FBE's house. I had let him out to go potty, but never really worried about him because I have actually seen him check traffic before crossing a street. I heard him barking & went to the door to whistle him back into the house when I heard a heavy knocking on the door. I thought it was WIFE again, but it was a police officer. He told me that Yoki had been hit. I looked at my 14 pound terrier chihauhau mix that was running all over the house & jumping up on the couch because there was a stranger at the door, and did not believe him. He swore he saw it with his own eyes that the trailer behind a vehicle had gone over the dog. He advised that I take him in to get checked out for internal injuries. So I started trying to track down a vet. That little hamlet of a town has NO VET.... 2000 people plus farms & country developments & no VET!!! So eventually I found one in the near by big city's phone book that was on a road I knew, near an intersection I knew in a closer part of the city than other adressess.

I didn't realize just how much this stupid dog that I've only had 2 years, that sheds fur, & scatters his food & doesn't always do his pottying outside means to me. I have actually offered to give him to other people cuz he can be such a pain. I was shaken. I guess I love the dumb dog after all.

Yoki is going to be okey dokey. Bumps, bruises, scrapes, aches. Nothing long lasting. The vet gave him a shot for the shock & prescriptions for pain & infections. Yoki is stiff when he has lain around a long time & he is laying around a lot more. But he still chases Rabbits, and he tries to have some enthusiasm for playing with his toys. He'll fetch them once or twice, but then he is done.

So in the past 10 days: I feared pregnancy (took the test a 2nd time after a long stretch between peeing & still got the result that I am not.) Had to talk with FBE's WIFE. Almost lost FBE to wife. Had to worry about a ran over dog. That adds up to a ton of stress.

It's kind of hard to believe that on June 28th he & I went to an amusement park without any kids and had a BLAST! It was carefree & wonderful & like in a movie. He hadn't been to such a place ever... oh he'd done county & state fairs rides some, but you know they aren't all that spectacular. I am not known to be a daredevil. BUT when we went online to buy the tickets, we found out that some of the "scarey" roller coasters are only 2 minutes long. Hey, we can survive just about anything for 2 minutes we decided. So we rode every roller coaster except one twice, and we rode one of them 3 times. Ok, he gets to tease me for the rest of our lives about how I close my eyes so I can't get scared.... but I like roller coasters! & I love him.

May your lives not be filled with serious emotional roller coasters like my last 10 days have been, but may it have enough highs & lows that you truly appreciate the highs, and know that you can survive the lows.

Love,
Pete

Shit hits the fan today

2008-07-07T09:59:00.004-05:00

Ok, so ... a tough place to begin.... where oh where to begin.

I had a yearly physical on July 1st. My doctor kept noticing & mentioning that my last period was the first week of May. Yup, June did not happen. But I told her that I have one ovary that doesn't know how to count & that the other one kicks in when it is supposed to. Yes, it's been a long time since one was completely missed & not just a week or so late. So she said to me, "It it doesn't start this week, take a pregnancy test." Now this was after she poked & prodded me down there in lots of ways I'm not describing. I figure if a doctor can't tell, then I'm not pregnant. I'm just having the "bad ovary" month. When FBE asks how the appointment went, I tell him what she said, but that I'm not concerned.

But as the week progressed & the period didn't come, I ... wellI was going to take the test this morning when FBE & I woke up (I'm at his house), but I could NOT sleep. I had to pee at 12, gave up on sleeping through the need & got up at 12:30. But then at 2 I needed to pee again... Now I know these tests say take it in the morning assuming that you won't have peed for a long time come morning.... so I try again to stall, but at 3:15 am I was still stressed out so I got up finally & I took the test. Now whether 3 hour pee has enough hormone or not I didn't care any more. I needed SLEEP & wasn't going to get it until my brain was at rest. It said I am not pregnant. FBE asked me when I came back to bed if I was ok. I gave him the update & then we slept.

Now, to back up several hours. I arrived in this hamlet between 6:30 & 7 pm. I started to pull into his driveway because we do that to empty my stuff before we move the car farther away. He comes out shirtless & waves me away. I go to the gas station next door & finally figure out before I got out of the car, that his wife was across the street in his car that she drives since she wrecked her own. He called when the coast was clear. I came we unloaded the dog & left to get him some supper, check on his worksite & get me some pillows. She called around 9 because the youngest daughter left something in his house. He just tells her that he's out with a friend and that's why his vehicles are there... Oh, the barking dog that she heard? He is dogsitting for a friend. I tell him that these lies & half truth shit is shit. He just needs to tell her some truths.

At 10:50 pm WIFE pounds on his front door. The dog? He didn't bark until she was knocking... that's what kind of an alert dog he was last night. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut & let only him tell the dog to shut up. I knew it was her. I dressed in his closet while he dressed on the way to answer the door. He went outside to talk with her. He told her the dog story again.

About 10-15 minutes later she left. We talked some; we were really glad she hadn't been there 10 or 20 minutes earlier, cuz I had been making some loud noise at that time. We were settling down to sleep again, when she called. Why hadn't he let her in the house? Why didn't he introduce her to the dog? When he came back to bed, I told him that her inner gut knows the truth. She knows I was there.

Since I had only had 2 hours of sleep before FBE left for work, I did promise him that I would get dressed before his daughter came over this morning, but I wouldn't guarantee being awake.

WIFE called while he was dressing for work. I did not answer the phone, but I did carry it too him.

We have a daily devotional time. During the school year he reads to me while I commute. During the summer or when I'm off I read, so when I tried to call him for our daily scripture reading ( I thought Psalm 103 appropriate for the day), his phone was busy. I knew he was calling her or vice versa. About 20 minutes later we talked. The wife said that if she knew he had been going to leave that late, she would have come over in the morning to talk. (I'm really glad she didn't come over, cuz the windows were open by then & she would have heard me being noisy, which is why he left late).

Anyway.

After doing a few chores I came inside & laid down at about 10 til 8. The dog began barking at 8; I yell at him to shut up. There is knocking at the door. I go to answer the door, but realize it's probably WIFE, so I peak out. It is HER. I get where she can not see me through the blinds I had opened to let the air move better (air conditioner is broken, supposed to be fixed today). I very quietly call FBE & tell him. She knew he wouldn't be there; he has a job. She left. I closed the blinds. Thirty minutes later, She came back & POUNDED on the DOOR. & yells that she needs to talk to me. She uses my name. I just stay silent. My phone buzzed, it's FBE. She had called & asked him why a female was in his house. I am waiting for the air conditioner folks to come is what he told her. & Would I stick to that message & go ahead & talk to her. Because she insists that she needs to talk with ME & she won't leave until she does. The WOMAN IS POUNDING. I am NERVOUS. I delay. I peak out cuz she stops for a long time. She is on the phone with FBE. He calls me again. She knows I'm there, so just go on & talk.

When she is not right at the door, I walk out & pull the locked door behind me (keys in my pocket.) I sit on a brick flower dealymabobber that's edges the porch & is higher than the porch. I breathe calmly as I can. I feel myself shaking, but I see no evidence of it in my hands.

For ease of reading I'm going to color code her words blue cuz she was surprisingly calm voiced. My words... well I'm the sinner here so red... or because of my passion? But I too was very calm & civilized in my speech. If it stays black, I just thought it.

She asks why I am there. I tell her that I'm waiting for the air conditioner man. Why am I? Because FBE is my friend. Where was I last night? I was where I belonged & where I was welcome. So was I there last night? What does she think? What does she know ? I ask back. She says she doesn't know, that's why she is asking. I tell her calmly that she knows the answer, that's why she was here this morning when she knew he'd be gone. So why didn't I answer the door? It didn't seem wise as she sounded very angry, & I'm just here for the air conditioner man.

Now I 've lost the memory of the order of the rest of the conversation, but here are some things she told me & some of my responses.

Didn't I know that they were trying to work it out & were going to counseling? I knew they had counseling in the past & that she was still going. I knew that she thought she was trying to work it out. Didn't I know that he had been going these last two months & their last session was just 2 weeks ago? No I did not. I did want to say that I talked to him 4 times a day at least & that I knew when he saw her, but I didn't.

Did I know that he has told her that I am in his past; that he's told me to stay away & that we're over with? No. He had NOT told me that, EVER. Did she not notice that he would have had to invite me to his house to wait for the air conditioner man? & he didn't even ever say anything like that when I broke up with him decades ago. But I kept those to myself.

Did I know that he says he loves her every day? I know that he has lots of agape & compassion for her. Did I know that he sees her everyday? Yes, because then he gets to see the kids whom he misses very much. (I so wanted to tell her that he tells me that he loves me several times a day; that he talks about marrying me every day, BUT I did NOT.)

Didn't I know that she loved him ? Yes, I know that she believes that she does. But does love berate the other person? & put him down? Does love suspect him of pulling a gun & calling the police. Get a stringent restraining order? Give permission to shower, but then let him end up in handcuffs, not let him see his kids? Does love make one turn others to despising the person? Does love make the other person feel unloved, disrespected, not honored?

Did I know that he had been suicidal before? yes, because he had been berated & felt unloved disrespected & not honored.

How did I know that she did those things? He told me, the kids told me & I heard her do it. When? How? She was talking to him on the phone. & I thought, Oh shit. I shouldn't have mentioned the kids & the phone.

When did this thing between us start? After he filed for the divorce in October, but I knew that first day with in the first 20-30 minutes that he was planning the divorce. Why didn't I stay away? I did stay away at first. But he called. I gave him advice on how to stay married, the love languages, counselling, & other ideas. I told him how awful divorce is & how it is expensive. I tried to talk him into staying married. Later when he asked I gave him advice that every woman is given when she wants a divorce. Of course he didn't follow my advice and then she did everything I told him to do. Such as? Change names on accounts, credit cards, get the restraining order, etc.

I was told that she knew that he was with me when my dad was dying, right? But he couldn't come to the funeral because he had to go to court. It was the day the divorce could have been final.
Didn't I know that divorces take a long time? They take 60 days. I repeated that 3 times as she asked questions about divorce. She said something that indicated that she thought my divorce was really new, or still in process. I corrected her & said that it was a few years ago.

Why did I get involved when I knew he was married? I knew he was divorcing & I wanted an old friend back. I met him when I was 12. He was my best friend & I was in love with him. I broke up with him because I was afraid. I was afraid I wasn't grown up enough for marriage so I ran away to college. But I cried & was depressed & almost committed suicide over my breaking up with him. At first I just wanted to apologize. I had wanted to do that for over 20 years. I had written him letters to apologize that I never mailed because I couldn't find his address; I would look through the phone book for his number so I could apologize. After that I just wanted an old friendship back, nothing more. I even told myself & my friends that I should avoid him until he was divorced completely.

Why didn't I? Because he called. & she should ask HIM why.
Why did I stay involved? Why was I committing adultery? She should ask Him that. Oh, I was tempted to say that it is because I had never known sex could be that AWESOME, but I didn't.

Didn't I know that he goes to church with her? Yes, but he goes to church with me too. He travels what 2 miles tops to go to church with her; he travels 190 miles to go to church with me. She looked surprised about that. So I said, you know he visits me. You knew he was at church with me, that's why you went to 4 churches looking for him. If she knew that he was with me, then why did she go looking? Because she doesn't want to know what her soul knows deep down. Because its easier to deny it than accept it. I was tempted to point out that he is with me at church at least every other Sunday, & actually more often than that. She said something about that explaining his high gas bills.

Why don't I accept that they are still married & not work to make him want the divorce? She should ask him that. & I have told him in March to decide whether he had passion for her or compassion? Was he missing the family or missing HER? Did they have the ingredients of love as described in Corinthians Chapter 13? Did they have trust? Patience? etc. She told me to re-read it myself. I almost have the fool thing memorized from having read it for myself, for MY EX & for FBE, but I didn't say that. I was just silent.

So why didn't I stay away? She should ask Him.

Did I know that the Youngest daughter says I wanted to be her mother? I never initiated such a conversation. But she is a delightful girl, & I wouldn't mind being her stepmother.

Did I know that the kids say that I want to marry FBE? It is true. I would like to marry him. BUT I did not say that he has proposed, or planned to marry me or nothing about what I think FBE thinks of marrying me.

How did I feel about trying to justify adultry? & sitting beside a married man in church? I know that my sins are forgiven & washed away, & that being with him feels right. Didn't I know that we are to walk away from our sins? I remained silent.

Did I know that the kids were just a mess & all torn up last night ? I remained silent at first to that. I wanted to say that I knew & that they've been on my prayer list since that first meeting. Sometime along the way I did say something about how I knew that the length of the divorce process was hard on the kids, but that at first they had supported the divorce & that had been a reason I did not stay away & I did give FBE advice when he asked for it.

Did I know that a woman willing to be with a married man needed counseling?... or something like that asked with much compassion. Been there, done that. & I'm the happiest & healthiest I have ever been, and besides I expected the divorce to be over with LONG ago, because they only take 60 days.

Didn't I know they were trying to work it out? Then why was FBE still living in this house? Why hadn't he moved back in if he was wanting to stay married? I asked back.

There were times when she told me I was being evasive. I told her I knew that, but that some things she has to be told by FBE, not me. I wasn't going to lie to her.

Most of the time she spoke very quietly... we were on the Main drag of this hamlet, with a gas station & two churches with in breathing distance. She did not cry. She even once said something about having had great respect for me & my family all these years. She knew that I was raised the same way she was; that I was raised to know that my relationship with FBE was not right. I just reminded her that we did not start the relationship until after he filed for divorce & that I had never expected the divorce to take this long, or for me to have this role.

Somehow along the way, she decided from what I said that he & I became intimate, shall we call it, or at least not just friends somewhere around March. I let that just be misunderstood, because I NEVER admitted to sex. I did admit to loving him. Did I really believe that he loved me & that he & I would get together? That was another thing she would have to ask Him.

Anyway. After about 40 minutes of this she had to leave for work & I still was going to wait for the air conditioner man... and I still am. Immediately after she left I called FBE & told him that I had tried to hold the line about the aircondtioner man, but she asked lots of questions & I wasn't going to lie to her. I had not blabbed all the details. I told him that he was going to end up doing a LOT of talking today... to her & me. Why? Because she said that you 2 still are in counselling & that you tell her everyday that you love her & that you are trying to reconcile with her and when asked I told her that you have never told me that I am to stay away & oh, yeah, somewhere along the way I told her that he only had to drive a mile to go to church with her, but he drove 190 miles to attend with me.

(I mean the lady needs to think about this... If I am to stay away, why am I the one waiting for the air conditioner man? No I didn't say it outloud to any one yet.)

Got to go... oldest daughter is here.

___________________________

So I'm back. I've edited & color coded. The air conditioner man never came. I suspect that he was never scheduled to be here today. I don't know. I was assured that FBE talked to the rental management folks & the air conditioner folks today that we were on the end of today's to do list & he'd get here if he could. It sounds like one of his 1/2 lies he tells her. I'm not happy.

After work he supposedly had a meeting with the lawyer. He supposedly had a "side job" of building/fixing some steps for a woman who had surgery. He's still not home. We talked on the phone. He said the Wife was coming to where he was working & wanted to talk. I asked him if he wanted to hear my version of what was said. Yes, that would be helpful. So I basically read this to him as it was in front of me any way for editing. I was going to leave a note telling him to read it before waking me up, but now I don't have to. Yes, I still haven't slept. It was 90 something outside today. The house has no air conditioning, still.

I can hear some of you asking why I stay. If I know he does 1/2 lies to her. & with the things she says he does & plans with her. Well, first she has some faulty logic. Her story doesn't add, up & if she listened to herself, she'd know it. I suspect her of some lying. His 1/2 lies to her... I understood his stategy; I have told him to stop; I never caught him actually doing it to me. There were some times I think I caught him thinking about doing it, and I called him on it . He told me the truth. Yup, we have some talking to do tonight. When he gets home.

So to close. If you know that eventually the shit is going to hit the fan, stay away from it. I knew I should have. I still have faith that it hasn't all been lies to me... the miles he has driven, the money he has spent, the compassion and passion he has shown Plus he told his brother & nephew of his plans..

D

2008-06-14T19:15:00.004-05:00

Ok,

It has been months & I should update this thing...

School is over, but prom still has over $800 debt still to be paid because only 64 tickets were sold instead of the usual 115 or so. A carwash for today had to be cancelled because the Walgreen's shift managers couldn't get the store manager to confirm that he had agreed to have the carwash there.

No, the divorce is not yet final. BUT FBE is no longer having mixed emotions. He wants the divorce DONE. He wants to marry me & preferably this summer vs next summer. Truth is, with our state laws it won't happen here unless a miracle happens by July 3rd. He is open to ideas of going out of state, but since we both want family & friends & not just an elopement.... we'll see what happens after we're free to make it happen. He has a meeting with the lawyer on Tuesday. He is finally willing to incur debt to make the divorce get over with. He knows that the settlement money should pay it off and other debts too. Yes, I told him this months ago, but a man has to process his own stuff himself.

It's been rough. In love. Becoming the "other woman." I can listen & console & reassure. If asked I can advise, or I can ask if he wants advice. But can't push. Can't make a man do things he's not ready to do, cuz then it makes things not good for us. No he did not put constraints on what I can & cannot do, except he won't let me send an anonymous letter to his wife that mainly just tells her to accept God's loving forgiveness instead of living by RULES & punishments. I only put vague stuff in there, but he thinks she'd figure out it was me. I even wrote it ambiguously so it sounds like I live in town. I use people I know in town unnamed of course as sources of my knowledge.

It's a small town, people talk. You know that 6 degrees thing for the world? Well in a town of 2000 it goes faster than 6 links. Turns out my cousins were in school with her. One of them worked with her... heck, she probably was a nurse for my relatives when they were in two different nursing homes. But my grapevine in the community is small. See she has friends & pastors & relatives there. I have a mom who has almost no friends, a brother & friend who probably have more on line friends than people friends. They all three are mostly mouth shut people. But my mom knows how to listen & she has talked with relatives who don't live in state anymore for the background knowledge.

Anyway.

I am now on facebook. IMing with a long lost friend & this is too complicated for my vacationing brain.

Take care

2008-03-22T17:34:00.002-05:00

Dear Ones,

It has been a month... A long yet short month. Like always, I wonder where to begin. Where to find the thread that makes the story unravel the fastest...

Well, FBE's wife lost her job. Because of this FBE had the health insurance taken out of his paycheck instead of hers. But because she is unemployed, they didn't tell the child support worksheet folks because that could mean he would owe even more child support. And she thought she'd get a job rather quickly. She hasn't.

Meanwhile, remember the mediator sent them to 2 months of counseling instead of deciding the custody situation at that time. So since she was only comfortable with the pastor as counselor for them, that's where they went... the divorce is not an option pastor. Ok, so she has her own counselor who has put her on hormones & I think something else, and they have the pastor counselor. Somewhere she hears of a "Communications Counselor" and visits him a couple of times. Then suggests that FBE go to. Well, FBE figures that he needs to talk to her at least another 7 years until the youngest is 18, so it makes more sense than the pastor, so he goes. And for balance he skips the pastor counseling... with notice and an explanation that includes her being unbearable that week too. So.... Then along the way, she reminds him that he was to get counseling, too. He doesn't remember the mediator saying three counselors were needed, but maybe in one of their personal conversations he agreed to do so. So he found a counselor to go to. I sat in the waiting room as he had his first conversation with that one this past week, after we had a nice dinner at a Texas Roadhouse.

Oh, this past week was my spring break, so I went to live with him for the week. In theory I was to work with my mom on some projects. I saw her two days & worked for her then, but probably not as much as she expected. I just wasn't in the mood to see her.

Ok, so another wrinkle to add. FBE's rental agreement states that he won't co-habitate with a woman. A church that is right next door owns the house. So my car is not parked in his driveway. It is across the street in my old church's parking lot..."Open minds, Open hearts, Open doors." It feels like a lie. True, I'm not truly co-habitating, just visiting. But also his wife can drive by. Perhaps it is best if she not KNOW my car & not KNOW where I am staying. But it still feels like a lie. Plus a bit like we are ashamed of our relationship, or at least he's ashamed of it. He says he isn't, but .... My brain understands the parking across the street. My soul has a problem with it. And I knew something didn't set well with me, but I didn't know what. As I type it now, I figure it out.

Next layer: I knew money was tight for FBE. I didn't understand how tight. Yes, he told me that he told his wife that he'd be living in his truck soon. But I knew/know he exaggerates to her. Evidently he was more truthful w/ her than me this time. On Wednesday night his eldest daughter said something about which weekend the house needs to be emptied on. This is the first I've heard of this. I restrain myself around the youngest two, but let a few comments go that let him know I'm mad, which she probably heard. Later he had to take the youngest two back to their mom. When he returned, he stated that he is surprised I'm still there. I told him that I'm not that shallow & immature. When I told him that I would marry him, I started making decisions based upon being his wife. "For better or worse, for richer or poorer" etc. Did he understand why I was mad? He actually was very good at understanding that I felt lied too, or at least deceived, that he didn't talk to me & make me part of his decision making process, that the kids knew before me. I elaborated that I had heard him berate others for poor financial decisions, but yet he would take me out to eat, drive up to see me (which costs about $100 in gas each trip with his most used vehicle), etc. instead of saving money for rent & other bills. He would put his pride before accepting help from me. I had figured that if he thought he could afford to visit me & take me out to eat, that then he was making the money stretch somehow.

See, his rent, child support, truck & motorcycle payments & utilitites add up to more than he earns. I knew he didn't have money for the lawyer, but I figured that if he put that on the credit card then the divorce could get done & he would get the settlement money & be ok. Well... We really need for her to be employed, and the custody to be more equitable so that the child support can go down. It will help a little when the eldest graduates in May; it will reduce the child support by about 1/3, but meanwhile the pit of debt will grow.

Tomorrow he will talk to an aunt of his about some money. He is her heir. She gave him money in December when he had to get a new lawyer. We pray. I bought him some groceries while he was at work yesterday before I left to come back here, because he didn't want to accept money from me. He can't take the groceries back, so he has to accept that help anyway. I even cooked some of the food, so there... Last night when I told him that I had wanted to give him money at lunch, but didn't get to because I was waiting for the plumber to finish work at his house & he ate with his co-workers. So then I told him that I planned on mailing some money to him, but realized I didn't have his address. It's a small town, so I could always invision the house & find it w/o knowing the address. To my surprise, he told me his address. I can't send much until payday, but it should help pay a bill... a small bill. I told him that when my tax return comes in then we will talk again about what we need to do to reach our common goals.

I filed my federal taxes awhile back & expect my return of around $4K before long. So today, I get an e-mail from the EX. We had verbally & through e-mail agreed for me to claim the eldest daughter while she is in college despite the official documents saying he would this year & that I would only claim the youngest son. So I only claimed her & not the combination. Letting him have the youngest. Today's e-mail said that he thinks we should do it the way the official document sets it out. This would mean a very different filing for me. I have plans for the $4K. I e-mailed him back that I had already filed as per our verbal & e-mailed agreements. I do not trust myself to verbally speak to him at this point. I was to have already filled out FAFSA documents for the daughter too. & the only reason it isn't done is because I couldn't get the damned computer program to let me do it. She & I were to sit down together this weekend & try to get it to cooperate together. But she isn't here today as I expected her to be, so I don't know when it will get done. Esp. now with the EX having his viewpoint. If he claims her, then he has to do the FAFSA, which makes her look richer, which means she gets less financial aide. Why? oh Why did I ever marry that SOB? Because, well, I knew I probably was pregnant & I was, with yes, the eldest daughter.

So.... do you see where I am? Ah, let me add a little more background.

Last weekend FBE is up here visiting, and he asks, "So did you ever have second thoughts or mixed emotions about your divorce?" Yes, I see that he is admitting that he has some, but I answer that all of my mixed emotions were gone by the time I filed... they disappeared with the slamming of a door in my face. I had had them for almost a decade of marriage, but not when I filed. I also told FBE that even after I moved out I had times when I cried because I missed the kids & the family routine, but not because I still wanted to be married. I asked him if he was having some, yup. So we talked, & I cried & he cried. & We quit "talking" & tried to be normal, and then went back to "talking" & crying. In the end I said to FBE that he needed to figure out if he was lonely or missing HER; if he missed the family & it's routines or if he missed HER; if what he felt for HER was compassion (hey, she is anorexic looking now) or IN LOVE passionately with HER. Did he trust HER? Did he think She would ever trust him again? And what is love if it doesn't have trust? ... 1st Corinthians chapter 13 was very handy at that point. He guessed he had some thinking to do. Yes, he misses the family, and the youngest 2 even told him that they now wish he had not filed for divorce. .. The two that asked to be in our wedding. I pointed out that if the divorce was final & a real routine was established for the younger two where they saw him more, & always knew when they were seeing whom, that some of that would dissipate. I don't blame them for being frustrated with this long drawn-out drama-filled escapade of a divorce.

I also told him that usually to men's dismay a woman would say something like, "Well, we could still be friends." But I don't get that consolation prize, & I don't get to even pretend that I will. & yet, he has become my best friend these past 6 months. I tell him things I don't tell my girlfriends, let alone the blog... sorry folks. I've never had a relationship with a man who was also my best friend. My female best friends always knew more than my man did, until this time around.

He says he loves me. I love him. I asked him, "if I love something, do I set it free, or do I fight for it? & if I fight for it, how do I fight for it?" He hugged me & said he didn't know.

This was Saturday when our plan had been for us to go back to his place on Sunday for me to stay the week. I left if up to him. Should I come down there or not? He said he wanted me to come to his place. So I did... my way of fighting for him I guess: Be a wife for a week.

What a mess.

We have now gone 22 hours without talking. A first since mid-October. He had a full day planned. Checking out an extra job in the morning; going to his brother's in the afternoon to do some handyman work for him. Finding a few hours to help a best friend. & all while having custody of his kids. Oh, & maybe swinging past my mom's to check on a job or two that she has for him. Maybe supper time is over... maybe I'll quit blathering here & talk to him about this emotional shithole I 've dug myself into.

Hmm, how to end this in my usual method? That's a toughy today.

May you always have a best friend to help you shovel your emotional shit around until it's good manure that makes something beautiful grow.

Take care,
Pete

2008-02-22T12:44:00.002-06:00

Dear Ones:

Today is the second snow day in a row. After returning to bed from a 45 mile round trip (I was just over 1/2 way to work when I got the information), I awakened refreshed.

FBE & I were on the phone for the morning trip, which is our custom. I know some of you cringe at the idea of talking to other people at 5:30 in the morning. But since we have already been awake for a while & I'm even en route to work by then, it is our version of a breakfast conversation that any husband & wife might have, except his wife is sometimes what we discuss, as was the case this morning. The financial stress of fighting for a more equal custody of children is wearing on FBE. The emotional stress of that and the emotional stress of continued disagreement is wearing on him. He likes being a nice guy. He doesn't like fighting. He is accustommed to letting her win. Though I appreciate his nice guy & anti-fighting stances, I have trouble with him letting her win. The divorce was because he was ready to stand up for himself, or so I thought. Similar to my divorce. NO, I am not advocating fighting just to fight. I advocate sticking to his guns about what he thought was Right for his kids.

Recently she has let him back into the house frequently to be with the kids when it isn't his day. This is good because it shows that she trusts him around her & the kids, and it lets him check on his kids more. This is bad because not only can it give her false hope that they can reconcile, but also because it makes him forget what the legal rules are for now. I also think it could be confusing to the kids to see them still doing many normal family things. If the parents can get along well enough for these family times, then why get the divorce? I am glad that he gets to be with his kids more. He loves them; they love him, and the separation was tearing at them all.

BUT I think he's got to stay firm to protect his future legal rights. She's on meds to even out her emotional cycles. She's in counselling. BUT I still bet she's not stopped being a manipulative fighter to get what she wants. I told him that her drawing this out, and forbidding contact & then softening back up is a strategy that is set up to make him give up the fight for more custody. It can make him feel like she'll always be this easy going about when he sees the kids, and cost him more money than he can afford... so why not give up? What has he to lose except money? Yes, I do not trust her. Yes, I am cynical.

I tried to explain that he is basically still letting their old pattern continue, even if it's not as bad as it was. We talked about battered wife syndrome & similar patterns in emotional & verbal abuse. How they are similar. How some people have been conditioned some how during their life to put up with shit that they shouldn't. Like me, and like him, and like some other people we know. I felt frustrated cuz I couldn't figure out how to make him see the similarities between how she treated him as a second class citizen & those situations, but then he either changed the topic or was at work... so it felt unfinished.

Anyway...

FBE called during our usual lunchtimes as is also our custom. During the conversation, we somehow got around to him asking me when I lost my virginity. Mid-November 1985 with RICH boy with whom the discussion of marriage in our futures had happened, but no formal engagement, yet.

I've probably told the story to you all before; I know I've told FBE before, but here it goes again. Come Christmas break my period was LATE. What if I'm pregnant? Well, back then a period had to be 11 days late for the home pregnancy test to work. That's a long time when you're living it. He said along the way, "People of my class don't get pregnant and then married." For years RICH boy had insisted that we were of the same social class and that class didn't matter or exist, etc. That sentence rocked me to my core. I started backpedalling on my emotional attachment to him right then. Come January, he knows he's in BIG trouble with me but I've not found the voice to fully explain just how badly he has screwed up. I just ask to be left alone for awhile. He doesn't understand I mean longer whiles. He eventually comes over with a HUGE box of condoms to apologize & to try to kiss & make up.

Well, it is called making love, so I give the kissing & fondling a chance to re-establish an emotional connection. But I'm not feeling the love. I'm feeling groped. He proceeded to try to enter my body. I said, " I'm not ready." He thought my physical body was not ready. I meant my emotional core. I started bawling as He thought he was solving the problem. He did not notice until after his body was physically done with the situation. He then noticed my tears & said that I probably felt raped. He was accurate, and I was an emotional zombie for several months. Almost flunked out of college that semester, but rallied just in time to save the grades if not the soul.

But how to explain why I didn't kick him in the balls, shove him away, tell him to stop? Even though there was no violence, I felt immobilized. I felt a vice on my vocal chords. Why did I feel powerless to speak up & defend myself then & later with my ex until things were awful? Why did I feel a vice on my voice? I couldn't explain it over the phone today, but perhaps here?

Well, in a History of Women class I took during my 30's, I learned that many women of various cultural upbringings in America felt voiceless... Jewish, Protestant, African-American, Native American, lower class, upper class, middle class. bel hopkins, who does not capitalize her name, has a book about it still happening in modern America. I spent that semester doing much self- analysis. Showing my ex the paper I wrote about my past & feeling unable to speak did not help our relationship like I hoped it would.

Anyway, for me.... phrases like "turn the other cheek," "Vengence is mine, saith the Lord." "Return blessings for cursings." "pray for you enemy." "ladies don't do that..." "sticks & stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" were strong influences on me. I did NOT have the image of Jesus throwing a fit in the temple protesting against Wrong at that time. Another influence? My mother's silence in my father's house. Ok, she did eventually get around to saying, "Yessah, massah" but usually not in his hearing. We did things his way... We also obeyed her.

Let me firmly state, I was never aware at the time of my father being verbally or physically abusive to any of us. I knew him to tease me about being chubby, and I was for awhile, but I didn't know that I grew out of it. I knew him to be strict. I knew him to be impatient. I knew birthday spankings hurt enough that I didn't want the real thing. I knew him to use the belt 3 times total between my brother & I. These things seemed within the realm of normal for back then. I even thought my parents were much more lenient than some other parents I knew, though we did seem to work more.

I must also firmly state that the town bullies did a serious number on me. Different bullies: Stormy in kindergarten era smashing in my nose; Robin & her big friend in middle school stealing my only shoes during pe; Bret, Mike, Eddie in middle school showing me their dicks at Tracy's house, verbally insulting me & damaging our family vehicles in high school. Russell as a senior with Kevin, & others around asking me in front of the school library asking me if I "want a fuck" & the others saying that I probably didn't even know what that meant. My best friends not inviting me to parties, or hugging me when they hugged each other. Being on the outside of the talking circle, etc.

I turned the other cheek. I prayed for those who persecuted me. I didn't understand why I didn't fit in. I knew I had hand-me-down and homemade clothes because we were so money poor. Could not having the cool tennis shoes really be that important?

To escape pain, I read. I read & read & read. Most books were biographies, histories, or "Leave it to Beaver" type teen books of the 60's, cuz that's what the library had. Beany Malone, Katie Rose, Cherry Ames, Laura Ingalls.

I knew the kids made fun of me because I didn't approve of cuss words. My family didn't use them... Well, when Dad would let a mild one slip, Mom would reprimand him by saying his name as 2 syllables; it is a one syllable name.

I knew they made fun of me because I didn't understand sexual jokes... but then they didn't explain them to me either, or tell me all that many either so I could begin to piece it all together & understand (my college friends did explain for me). OK, so I didn't approve of sex jokes either... a lady isn't supposed to, and as with cuss words, the Bible says it is what comes out of man's mouth that makes him unclean.

They made fun of me for not drinking. My family didn't drink (at least not when I was looking). Beers & wines still smell & taste nasty to me, and I've sniffed & sipped several versions trying to please the college friends & the Ex. Rum & coke may have been good, except I still don't like Coke either.

Any way. I was emotionally scarred from it all. I felt stupid. I felt unworthy of compliments. I felt friendless. I needed to escape.

Yes, I had FBE in my life. I wrote him letters, & he appreciated me. It kept me alive. I loved him for it.

Today, after I told FBE about being a zombie for months after Rich boy, he asked what I was like after I broke up with him. Suicidal is the truthful answer. I did not tell him that I had lost the person who actively said I was loved, and beautiful & smart or that I lost the person who appreciated me, who knew me better than anyone else because in my letters to him I poured out my thoughts & feelings. Ok, I evidently didn't tell him all about the bullies, as he has said that he never knew my teen years were that hard on me. As I told him today, I didn't break up with him because I quit loving him under my understanding of love at the time. I broke up with him because I wanted something better for my life than I thought he could give me. Basically, I was a snob, but I didn't realize it until later...much later.

I was upset with myself because of lying to him & and hurting him. See, I wrote two letters. One was sweet & full of love & wishy-washy, but perhaps we should break up anyway. The other was blunt. I thought he was not smart (he can't spell well & uses country grammar), we didn't have common interests, we would have too many babies too soon, & be poor & live in a trailer house, I would never get to college, he didn't seem to be a Christian, etc. I pretended to have accidentally mailed the two letters to the wrong people. It was a lie. I did it all on purpose, because that was the only way I thought my fears would be heard. The only way I thought I could speak my mind. I didn't know that a lady can speak her mind.

So then not only was I stupid, fat, ugly, a social reject for reasons I didn't understand. I had broken my own rules... God's rules. I had lied and purposefully hurt FBE. I deserved to be rejected by God, too.

I am alive today because of a voice in the dark firmly stating to me as I sobbed onto my giant teddy bear about what did it matter if I died, "God would be pissed." Pissed was not a word I spoke or thought. I still rarely think it & even more rarely say it. I didn't know then why God would care if I lived or died.

I think I do now. I think of the kids who have opened up to me because I could say I've been that close to dying. I know of the kids who are still alive. I know of the kids who come back to the school & hug me even though they hated me while in my class. They thank me for giving a damn about them even though they didn't "get it" then. The kids who have cleaned up, straightened up, accepted God. No, I'm not claiming to be the ONE who made them clean up, straighten up, or accept God. I just am saying that they come back & tell me thanks.

Anyway.

I told FBE that someday he needs to tell me what emotions go through him, what he thinks when I tell him about why I broke up with him and more about how he felt. It was time for him to go back to work, but he told me that he wished he had pursued me better, longer. He said he would have let me back into his life at anytime I was still in college or even soon after that.

December 1986, I graduated & got dumped by a man I thought loved me & was going to marry me. He had never said he loved me; he had never proposed. As he put it, I was everything he thought he wanted in a wife and life partner, but he had just never fallen in love. He kept thinking he would, he just didn't.

Spring of 1987, I went back & basically re-checked out all of my ex boyfriends except for FBE. I didn't think he would ever want me. I didn't really think I was worthy of him. I just needed his forgiveness, but was afraid he would not give it, so I could not ask for it. I had no money; I was living in a trailer house. I didn't see the irony of it all. yet. I've begun to wonder, "what if?" but I've a feeling I still wasn't grown up enough.

May 1987 is when he married. They had been a couple for about 5 years.... yup, that goes back to 1982... not so long after I broke up with him.

I met my ex in April or May 1987, while I was still checking out the old flings. Started flirting & then dating in September. Proposed to November 1987; eloped December 1988.

Well, to make a long story short... Neither of our spouses treated us as though we were their equals. FBE is an intelligent man; he has not lived in abject poverty... their incomes were similar to ours... we have interests and opinions that are common, (yes, we have some differences too). Their firstborn daughter was born after ours; they were celibate longer than I was. He has accepted Jesus into his life.

So would my fears have been lived out? I never gave him the chance to convince me they wouldn't have been. I was too bent on escaping the hometown hell I'd lived in. He was looking forward to coming home to it & me.

Me? Well, I've learned to speak my mind, and still be a lady. I've learned that poverty is just a state of mind. Intelligence is unrelated to spelling & grammar. I think I've forgiven my dad, and the bullies, and maybe even the ex. Ok, sometimes I can still get angry at them all, so I'm not certain... but I've certainly tried. I know God loves me. I know that God knows I want to forgive them all, but I'm still going to pray that he forgives me better than I forgive others. I've accepted my responsibility in my marriage failing, and in the rape.

Yes, I know the victims are not supposed to accept responsibility. They are supposed to say that it was not their fault. That mantra kept me paralyzed into my marriage. It did not help me realize I have power, too. In my case, things would not have happened if I had spoken up, if I had fought back. Maybe with the ex things would have been worse, but if it had been worse I would have seen it as bad instead of being in the realm of normal, or only "borderline wrong. " When things were really bad and out of normal realm, then I did act.

Early on in the reconnection with FBE, he asked me if my old feelings for him were returning. I told him he better hell hope not. He was puzzled by this. Those feelings were of a scared, lonely voiceless girl. These feelings are of a confident, outspoken Woman who knows she has friends and is loved. This woman is not a conceited snob, my love sees past his spelling & grammar; my love sees past the current financial crunch. I see his faith is strong, and his habits even more noticeably Christian than mine. Ok, I still feel selfish sometimes. It's not a jealousy type of selfishness. I trust him around his wife and other women. I just wish I could have more time with him, but I can be patient and trust that this time we will talk about our worries until we can have more time together.

It's almost time for FBE to get off work. It's almost time for us to... the phone rings 8 minutes early.

Got to go enjoy what I can get for now.

May you enjoy what you have in your life, even if it's not all you want.

Take care,
Pete

Science vs God & Mama's Make-do Recipes

2008-02-21T19:52:00.002-06:00

Ok, here's the link to the other blog I have started.

http://mamas-makedorecipes.blogspot.com/

It is a work in progress. I can only see straight for just so long.

I know you think I write textbooks length entries here. But here I just sit & type. I don't have to actually read what I write until its time to edit it. Yes, I am one of those who can type fairly accuratelywith my eyes closed. Plus I don't really format this, or play with fonts & colors; I just flow from the heart usually. But today is a cut & paste from here on out.

I thought this e-mail I received from my son entitled "God vs. Science" very good & provocative. I know he didn't create it. I think I've even seen it before during the last 2 years or so. Then at the end of it, I come back with some of my own thoughts that I added to the e-mail before I sent it on it's way to some of my more philosophical & religious expert friends who may not have access to the blog. If I didn't send it to you ..... I knew you'd see it here anyway.

Science vs God by an unknown source---

A science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students, "Let me explain the problem science has with religion." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"

"Yes sir," the student says.

"So you believe in God?"

"Absolutely."

"Is God good?"

"Sure! God's good."

"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"

"Yes."

"Are you good or evil?"

"The Bible says I'm evil."

The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would."

"So you're good...!"

"I wouldn't say that."

"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"

The student remains silent.

"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"

"Er...yes," the student says.

"Is Satan good?"

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."

"Then where does Satan come from?"

The student falters. "From God"

"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"

"Yes, sir."

"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?"

"Yes."

"So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

Again, the student has no answer. "Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?"

The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."

"So who created them?"

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?" There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues onto another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do."

The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"

"No sir. I've never seen Him."

"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"

"No, sir, I have not."

"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"

"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."

"Yet you still believe in him?"

"Yes."

"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?"

"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."

"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith."

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. "Professor, is there such thing as heat?"

"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."

"And is there such a thing as cold?"

"Yes, son, there's cold too."

"No sir, there isn't."

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees."

"Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

"What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?"

"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't darkness?"

"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word."

"In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?"

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?"

"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed."

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you explain how?"

"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought."

"It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it."

"Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"

"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean."

The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.

"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir."

"So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith."

"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"

Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

___________________________________________________________

Pete here again.... I used to agree w/ the student, but now I wonder this:

The Bible says Satan/devil exists. It was not created to be evil, but is now our epitome of evil. Is this because It chose to be absent from God or because It became evil? Furthermore in the Garden of Eden myth wasn't the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge of good & evil? If so, then is not the definition of evil more than the absence of God since God made the tree?...

I DO NOT use the word myth to mean a fanciful untrue story. I use it to mean a culture's story that explains creation, natural phenomenon, and gods & their personalities.

But if we as a culture decide that the Satan/devil is just an extended symbol/metaphor for evil in the Garden of Eden myth, or just the absence of God as in this story, then does that not make the Final Battle /Armageddon at best just metaphorical too?

and then there is the worldwide multi-religion belief in demons who are often described as Satan/devil helpers....

Social scientists have a basic rule for viewing validity:
If something occurs in similar form in a wide variety of cultures that are separated by time and or space, then one of two things must be true:
1.) It must have been real
( using this reasoning there are indeed good basis for "The Flood," angels, ghosts, ESP & UFO's being real)
2.) There is something in the human personality that makes us need to create such a thing.

So, it could generally be agreed that there is indeed some sort of God figure. Though the atheistic & agnostic crowds do seem to be growing, they are not yet the majority of humans. Even some of them agree that there is a power/force/energy that seems to create the "answered prayer" & "coincidence" phenomenon.

But this devil/Satan figure.... that keeps being debated even among those that do believe in God... Well, most cultures have a "bad guy" or "guys" of some sort. Many are just "tricksters," or a competing god who gets jealous or angry. The devil/Satan is one of the biggest, baddest images out there, but It is not a god. So anyway, if It is not real as this student/professor analogy says, then why do we create It? Do we just need to be able to sometimes say, "The Devil made me do it" because we can not accept responsibility for our own actions? or ????

hmmm.... just some thinking going on here.... watch ya think there?
document.getElementById("MsgContainer").innerHTML='\x0d\x0a\x0d\x0a\x3cmeta http-equiv\x3dContent-Type content\x3d\x22text\x2fhtml\x3b charset\x3dunicode\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cmeta name\x3dGenerator content\x3d\x22Microsoft SafeHTML\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cstyle\x3e\x0d\x0a.ExternalClass .EC_hmmessage P\x0d\x0a\x7bpadding\x3a0px\x3b\x7d\x0d\x0a.ExternalClass EC_body.hmmessage\x0d\x0a\x7bfont-size\x3a10pt\x3bfont-family\x3aTahoma\x3b\x7d\x0d\x0a\x3c\x2fstyle\x3e\x0d\x0a\x0d\x0a\x0d\x0ahmmm.... \x3cbr\x3e\x0d\x0aI thought this very good \x26amp\x3b provocative.\u00a0\u00a0\x3cbr\x3e\x3cbr\x3e\x3cbr\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv\x3ePete\x3cbr\x3e\x3cbr\x3e\x26quot\x3bThe only thing worse than failing is being afraid to try.\x26quot\x3b Frank Mingo-- founder of Mingo Jones Advertising.\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x3cbr\x3e\x3cbr\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cblockquote\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cblockquote\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cblockquote\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x3bfont-family\x3atimes new roman, new york, times, serif\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eA science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students, \x26quot\x3bLet me explain the problem science has with religion.\x26quot\x3b The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYou\x27re a Christian, aren\x27t you, son\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes sir,\x26quot\x3b the student says.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bSo you believe in God\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bAbsolutely.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bIs God good\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bSure\x21 God\x27s good.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bIs God all-powerful\x3f Can God do anything\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bAre you good or evil\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bThe Bible says I\x27m evil.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe professor grins knowingly. \x26quot\x3bAha\x21 The Bible\x21\x26quot\x3b He considers for a moment. \x26quot\x3bHere\x27s one for you. Let\x27s say there\x27s a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him\x3f Would you try\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes sir, I would.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bSo you\x27re good...\x21\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bI wouldn\x27t say that.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bBut why not say that\x3f You\x27d help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn\x27t.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe student does not answer, so the professor continues. \x26quot\x3bHe doesn\x27t, does he\x3f My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good\x3f Hmmm\x3f Can you answer that one\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe student remains silent.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bNo, you can\x27t, can you\x3f\x26quot\x3b the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bLet\x27s start again, young fella. Is God good\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bEr...yes,\x26quot\x3b the student says.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bIs Satan good\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe student doesn\x27t hesitate on this one. \x26quot\x3bNo.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bThen where does Satan come from\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe student falters. \x26quot\x3bFrom God\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bThat\x27s right. God made Satan, didn\x27t he\x3f Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes, sir.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bEvil\x27s everywhere, isn\x27t it\x3f And God did make everything, correct\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bSo who created evil\x3f\x26quot\x3b The professor continued, \x26quot\x3bIf God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eAgain, the student has no answer. \x26quot\x3bIs there sickness\x3f Immorality\x3f Hatred\x3f Ugliness\x3f All these terrible things, do they exist in this world\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe student squirms on his feet. \x26quot\x3bYes.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bSo who created them\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. \x26quot\x3bWho created them\x3f\x26quot\x3b There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. \x26quot\x3bTell me,\x26quot\x3b he continues onto another student. \x26quot\x3bDo you believe in Jesus Christ, son\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe student\x27s voice betrays him and cracks. \x26quot\x3bYes, professor, I do.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe old man stops pacing. \x26quot\x3bScience says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bNo sir. I\x27ve never seen Him.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bThen tell us if you\x27ve ever heard your Jesus\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bNo, sir, I have not.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bHave you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus\x3f Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bNo, sir, I\x27m afraid I haven\x27t.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYet you still believe in him\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bAccording to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn\x27t exist. What do you say to that, son\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bNothing,\x26quot\x3b the student replies. \x26quot\x3bI only have my faith.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes, faith,\x26quot\x3b the professor repeats. \x26quot\x3bAnd that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. \x26quot\x3bProfessor, is there such thing as heat\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes,\x26quot\x3b the professor replies. \x26quot\x3bThere\x27s heat.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bAnd is there such a thing as cold\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes, son, there\x27s cold too.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bNo sir, there isn\x27t.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. \x26quot\x3bYou can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don\x27t have anything called \x27cold\x27. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can\x27t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold\x3b otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bEvery body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero \x28-458 F\x29 is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eSilence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bWhat about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes,\x26quot\x3b the professor replies without hesitation. \x26quot\x3bWhat is night if it isn\x27t darkness\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYou\x27re wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something\x3b it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it\x27s called darkness, isn\x27t it\x3f That\x27s the meaning we use to define the word.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bIn reality, darkness isn\x27t. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn\x27t you\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. \x26quot\x3bSo what point are you making, young man\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe professor\x27s face cannot hide his surprise this time. \x26quot\x3bFlawed\x3f Can you explain how\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bYou are working on the premise of duality,\x26quot\x3b the student explains. \x26quot\x3bYou argue that there is life and then there\x27s death\x3b a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can\x27t even explain a thought.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bIt uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bNow tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bIf you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bHave you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bSince no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir\x3f Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bTo continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe student looks around the room. \x26quot\x3bIs there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor\x27s brain\x3f\x26quot\x3b The class breaks out into laughter.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bIs there anyone here who has ever heard the professor\x27s brain, felt the professor\x27s brain, touched or smelt the professor\x27s brain\x3f No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bSo if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eNow the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eFinally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. \x26quot\x3bI guess you\x27ll have to take them on faith.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x26quot\x3bNow, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,\x26quot\x3b the student continues. \x26quot\x3bNow, sir, is there such a thing as evil\x3f\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eNow uncertain, the professor responds, \x26quot\x3bOf course, there is. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man\x27s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eTo this the student replied, \x26quot\x3bEvil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God\x27s love present in his heart. It\x27s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.\x26quot\x3b\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe professor sat down.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e___________________________________________________________\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3ePete here again.... I used to agree w\x2f the student, but now I wonder this\x3a\u00a0 \x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eThe Bible says Satan\x2fdevil exists.\u00a0 It was not created to be evil, but is now our epitome of evil.\u00a0 Is this because\u00a0It chose to be absent from God or because\u00a0It became evil\x3f\u00a0 Furthermore in the Garden of Eden myth wasn\x27t the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge of good \x26amp\x3b evil\x3f\u00a0 If so, then is not the definition of evil more than the absence of God since God made the tree\x3f... \x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eI DO NOT use the word myth to mean a fanciful untrue story.\u00a0 I use it to mean a culture\x27s story that explains creation, natural phenomenon, and gods \x26amp\x3b their personalities.\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3eBut\u00a0if we as a culture\u00a0decide that the Satan\x2fdevil is just an extended symbol\x2fmetaphor for evil in the Garden of Eden myth, or just the absence of God as in this story, \u00a0then does that not make the Final Battle \x2fArmageddon at best just metaphorical too\x3f\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cp class\x3d\x22EC_EC_EC_EC_MsoNormal\x22\x3e\x3cfont face\x3d\x22Times New Roman\x22 size\x3d3\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-size\x3a12pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3cfont face\x3dTahoma\x3e\x3cspan style\x3d\x22font-family\x3aTahoma\x22\x3e\x3c\x2fspan\x3e\x3c\x2ffont\x3e\x3c\x2fp\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3eand then there is the worldwide \u00a0multi-religion belief in demons who are often described as Satan\x2fdevil helpers....\u00a0\u00a0 \x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3eSocial scientists have\u00a0a basic rule for\u00a0viewing validity\x3a\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3eIf something occurs in similar form in a wide variety of cultures that are separated by time and or space, then one of two things must be true\x3a\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 1.\x29\u00a0 It must have been real\u00a0 \x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\x28 using this reasoning there\u00a0are indeed\u00a0good basis for \x26quot\x3bThe Flood,\x26quot\x3b angels, ghosts, ESP \x26amp\x3b UFO\x27s being real\x29\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a02.\x29\u00a0 There is something in the human personality that makes us need to create such a thing.\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3eSo, it could generally be agreed that there is indeed some sort of God figure.\u00a0 Though the atheistic \x26amp\x3b agnostic crowds do seem to be growing, they are not yet the majority of humans.\u00a0 Even some of them agree that there is a power\x2fforce\x2fenergy that seems to create the \x26quot\x3banswered prayer\x26quot\x3b\u00a0 \x26amp\x3b \x26quot\x3bcoincidence\x26quot\x3b phenomenon.\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3eBut this devil\x2fSatan\u00a0 figure.... that keeps being debated even among those that do believe in God... Well, most cultures have a \x26quot\x3bbad guy\x26quot\x3b or \x26quot\x3bguys\x26quot\x3b of some sort.\u00a0 Many are just \x26quot\x3btricksters,\x26quot\x3b or a competing god who gets jealous or angry.\u00a0\u00a0The devil\x2fSatan is one of the biggest, baddest\u00a0images out there, but It is not a god.\u00a0So anyway,\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0if It is not real as this student\x2fprofessor analogy says, then why do we create It\x3f\u00a0 Do we just need to be able to sometimes say, \x26quot\x3bThe Devil made me do it\x26quot\x3b because we can not accept responsibility for our own actions\x3f or \x3f\x3f\x3f\x3f\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3e\u00a0\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x0d\x0a\x3cdiv style\x3d\x22margin-bottom\x3a3pt\x22\x3ehmmm.... just some thinking going on here.... watch ya think there\x3f\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x3c\x2fdiv\x3e\x3c\x2fblockquote\x3e\x3c\x2fblockquote\x3e\x3c\x2fblockquote\x3e\x0d\x0a';

Branching out a bit:

2008-02-05T18:44:00.000-06:00

I started a new blog. Mama's Make-do Recipes here on blogspot.

It will take me a while to get the full menu going, but with my kids & friends asking for recipes... it's the easiest idea I could come up with. It may even help me since some of my cards & pieces of papers are getting worn & tattered.

I wish blogspot didn't archive by date. I would much prefer categories, & being able to cross reference easily. But for now, this is what my techno skills (or lack there of) is capable of.
__________

On the personal front.

April 8. That is the newly projected freedom date for FBE.
AARRGH! Need I say more? No.

But I did create a 7 page letter to his stubborn wife who believe it or not is still telling the preacher to tell FBE that reconciliation is still an option. FBE keeps telling HER & the preacher that it is NOT an option for him. (Hooray!)

Will SHE ever receive this letter? I think so. I never say that I am the other woman. I never get real bitchy either. I only reveal information about HER life that could easily be common knowledge in that small town. I tell HER about some things SHE & I have in common. I tell HER some things I've learned about men & women during my life. I tell HER some details about Christianity that SHE seems to have forgotten in her life... forgiveness being the biggy.

Yes, I know some of you might remind me that the Bible tells us that by marrying FBE I'll be committing adultery, but some of you may have guessed I quit worrying about that label about a year ago, when I became attracted to Flirty.

(WHO by the way turns out to have gotten married in MARCH of 2006, just weeks after calling me his Dulcinea, & inviting me for motorcycle rides & massages. THE LIAR...if his "circumstances were different." Boy, is that a euphemism for "I got married." But he's still a good friend; go figure that out. Remember, I knew it would not work out. I could not see us in a long term "relationship." Some benefits to the friendship crossed my mind. And I had that dream that to this day puzzles me, but I never called what I felt for him being in love. And after he showed me his tattoos & the 60 year old body parts/limbs underneath them, it wasn't very lusty either; though I will admit there was some-- probably due to my long term celibacy, and his sexual innuendoes, jokes & compliments. Plus, he is a fun & caring man, but by golly he really needs to lay off the chaw--- ew yuck.)

Any way.

I sent a copy of the letter to HER to FBE to preview. I'll let him veto parts of it, but I will fight a veto of the whole thing. I will mail it w/o return address from the small town the next time I'm there, which might be this weekend. If I don't go, it is because he is going to a 4-H camp with his kids. If I do go, it means he swapped weekends w/ HER.

We've been weighing the benefits of the child custody arrangements. If we have our kids on the same weekends, then it is less likely that we will see each other every weekend. But we will have time for total privacy & intimacy and conversely time for all the kids to get to know each other better. If we have our kids on opposite weekends, then it leaves one of us always free to travel to see the other & practice step-parenting roles. This means we can see each other every weekend. But then we have almost no privacy or intimacy, comparatively. (Never fear we are used to being parents & have some solutions to this.) The "whole clan" opportunities will then be only on holidays if we can get HER to agree to letting the holiday schedule for FBE be like mine is & HERs being like the EX's is.

Oh, did I tell you that SHE lost her job? Yup. Now, you might think that since SHE is unemployed that SHE'll quit making the divorce last longer to save some money, BUT NO. HER daddy is paying all of the lawyer bills, and he is wealthy. FBE is not. He's basically tapped out. He must either start using credit cards, borrow from friends, or quit the fight.

I told him that if the kids wanted HER to have mostly full custody instead of wanting him to have mostly full custody, then Ok, I'd let him quit the fight. I also would probably really slow our relationship down... if it had even gotten this far if they had that attitude. BUT since they WANT FBE & not HER to have the most custody. HE must fight on. He is only asking for the 50/50 standard of this state. I even offered to give or loan him some money. He says he doesn't need it, yet. And doesn't want to ever need it. Once we're married, then we can share money, but before then, NO. We do take turns sharing expenses though. He has some money due him, that he expected in Dec/January... he figures it can't be too much longer before it comes his way.

I know. I know. I can hear some of you wondering why I would ever think to loan him money. Well, I love his kids & him. He never asked for it. I got help during my divorce. He has no relatives that can help him, and his other best friends are having job & money problems.

I have my head above water... not out of debt true... but I can swim now instead of just treading water or panicking. My debt water is becoming more shallow cuz I've paid it down, and I also got some debt moved again to a new 0% card before the old card started charging me interest. Unfortuately the car wreck, taxes and Christmas increased the debt. Losing 4 days of pay cuz of Dad's death certainly hurt too. But extra duty ( department chair, class sponsor & maybe some debate) pay is due to me this month, & we'll see what kind of dent I can put into the debt. I've got a year before I have to have it paid off before getting charged interest, almost 1 1/2 years for some of it. So I will just start wittling away at it again.

Financially speaking, paying for a wedding would be smarter in 2009 than 2008. But...

Of course to listen to all three of my kids, I shouldn't even marry until Youngest is out of high school in 2012. I very much feel the strong urge to quote the Youngest, "I am the boss of me, not you!" ...at the top of my lungs like he did a few years ago.

My eyes are blurring & I should go put supper away.

May you always have a clear vision of your future.

Take care,
Pete

2008-02-03T21:10:00.000-06:00

Dear Folks,

I have a wonderful man in my life.

I was feeling whiny & pouty on Friday. It was agreed that we just wouldn't see each other this weekend cuz of money & kids. I told him on the phone that I was just whiney & pouty... spoiled brat thing, nothing serious. I had tears welling up in my eyes. He heard them. He asked what was wrong. I tried to hide it... asked him why he thought I'd have anything wrong.

He came.

Guess he paid attention to the fact that I had just been out pumping iron when it was under 40 degrees.

We did get some bad news this week. The divorce can't be finalized on the 5th. We must wait for April 8th at 1:30. This was super bumming.

We wanted to have Valentine's as two single people. Two people who are free to publicly express their love. I think he wants to formally propose, but I won't let him even discuss it again until the divorce is final. But we do anyway. We want to marry.

All three of my kids think we should wait until Eric graduates. They call it "fair." Hannah even told me that she & I are on the same time schedule because she needs to finish college first. Wouldn't I expect her to wait almost 4 years? I pointed out that I have my degree, and that I would only expect her to be able to figure out how to finish college.

It's late & FBE is on the phone... gotta love the man.

2008-01-21T14:15:00.000-06:00

Dear Ones,

Here it is almost the 2 year anniversary of me starting this blog; it is the 2nd anniversary of owning this machine. I thought that I would blather about the world, but all I've done is blather about my life. I used to know what was going on in the world of politics & economics, but I know nothing about Obama or Huckabee or McCain. Can't help knowing something about Hilary... hmm she's a first name, they are last names. Not quite fair there is it?

This year my excuse for ignorance is that I live in Kansas. Now that doesn't mean Kansans are ignorant. What it means is that our primary is in August a week or days before the conventions. It means we only have 5 electoral votes. It means everybody expects us to go Republican, so NO ONE comes to campaign here. When the Democrats came through town 4 years ago around midnight, we were shocked. They were also shocked because of how many came out then, & so came back to talk during daylight hours. I live in the only Kansas town that could have voted Perot in a few decades back; it's also one of 3 cities in Kansas that vote Democrat in federal elections. If electoral votes were proportional instead of all or nothing, these three cities' voices might be heard... they are 3 of the largest in Kansas. But as long as we independents & the Democrats feel unheard in this state it is easy to say & feel, "What's my vote matter?" I suppose there are other states with similar situations.

So after 2 years there's probably my first political statement other than the posting of the e-mails my brother & I shared regarding the Iraq War when it was starting. And so now...

Back to blathering about life.

Did I tell you I wrecked my car before Dad died? Driver's front bumper kissed a cement median on a main highway during a snow storm. $500 deductible... "Ouch," saith the pocket book. It got fixed after the funeral.

Picked it up the Friday night before Christmas & left with in 30 minutes for my Mom's. Of course, I saw FBE at Mom's before we were completely unpacked. Actually, met up with him at a gas station not far from where he was staying & the laundromat he was actually at when I got off the turnpike. While we were at the gas station hugging, his wife & two kids drive by on their way to a late movie. We didn't notice & according to 10 yr old daughter, wife didn't notice either, but the daughter did. She thought it was funny to see us & for her mom to not notice. She somehow let her brother notice us too. He says he almost hit her, cuz he didn't want the mom to notice.

Wife knows I exist now. We were spotted at a church together by some of her relatives on the 30th.. It was a known risk. We went to 3 different churches in the area together between December 13 & New Year's. We saw people at all three churches that knew one or the other or both of us. We went to a shopping mall, Wal-Mart & Target & the nursing home. We were seen by people that knew him at them, and when they stopped by Mom's house. Heck, his daughter's ex-boyfriend's mom works at the mortuary & saw us on the 13th. A relative of FBE's wife was at the mortuary, but our paths did not cross... just saw his vehicle.

When they went to a mediator because the divorce could not be finalized because she won't share the kids, her first words to him were asking how I am. I was fine as far as he knew. But she didn't ask more. The 10 yr old did ask wife's mother if they could make cookies for me cuz my Dad died. The grandma said no. I would suppose that would have made the wife know that the daughter has met me, but I'm not so certain she's all that smart. She has not asked the children. She has not implied such knowledge to FBE. Heck, even though I spent two days helping him move & clean his new house & then another weekend hanging sheetrock at his new house, I don't think she knows I've been there to stay. I don't think she realizes he has stayed here. I personally think FBE & I are naive not to think she knows, because we can't in our hearts believe that she doesn't. BUT evidence seems to indicate that she doesn't. At the mediation & through the pastor she has picked on him for checking out women through an online dating service last summer & his viewing some porn off & on, and the chance that the kids might be unsupervised with his cable TV & computer, but she hasn't said a thing about my being around, which to me is a much bigger deal.

Why do you ask? Well, he told her that if there marriage didn't improve he would start looking for something better. It didn't get better, so he started looking. She wouldn't give him sex, or show any interest in it, & he's a man; men in general are visually stimulated, so he gave online porn a look. My ex viewed a lot of porn. I did not like it that he did, because I was willing to have sex. I was there; he could have had a live woman, but he preferred "memorex" instead, I guess. I will admit that I quit initiating sexual encounters long long ago, but that was because if I started it, he thought that meant I was ready to just do it. Whereas I thought that when I started it, I thought it meant I was ready to play around & get around to doing it after awhile. I didn't talk to him about it. I should have. FBE & I have talked about it, months ago.

FBE is a person who will tell you if there is a problem. He will tell you that something is wrong. He will say what he wants to change. He will tell you what the consequences of your actions will be. He will also stay married a heck of a long time trying to give a wife time to live up to what she says she'll do. He asked to be heard. He asked to be given respect. He asked how to please her in the marriage & in the bedroom; he even did research to find ways to please her when she had no answers. Nothing seemed to help him help their marriage.

So no, it doesn't bug me that he did online searching or porn. I know he doesn't do them now. I also know he has the cheap cable that doesn't have many channels for his kids to avoid. Furthermore, his son is old enough that I suppose he's probably seen a naked woman by now & has a clue from the farm work he does of how it all works. His daughter is 10, & I'd rather her not be educated/scarred quite yet, but the way his house is set up, it would be darned near impossible for either kid to see something on TV or on the computer that is inappropriate while he is home. Yes, if his wife would trust the kids like he & I do, they could be alone at his house for about an hour after school before he gets home from work. But big sister is willing to supervise them then before she goes to work. She is 18; whatever she wants to see is her business. So anyway, FBE has put a covenant eyes program on the computer so the pastor can monitor what is seen on it & the e-mail subject lines, but not the actual content. He did this to appease a woman he is trying to divorce.

Yes, I would be more upset about my husband bringing another woman into the house when my kids were there, even if it weren't my house. I did in fact not like it when my ex had a girlfriend. I did not care what they did when the kids were here. I did care what they did when the kids were there. I did not like it that she was cooking my kids' lunch. I did not like it when she sat closer to my kids at a funeral than I did. I did not care how close she was to the ex.

So, am I a hypocrite by letting him stay here when my kids are? Am I a hypocrite by staying there when his kids are? Maybe. I do know something I am a hypocrite about. I think people should not commit adultery. Technically he & I are. Biblically, I am even when he is divorced & even if we marry each other. But I don't care. I did not cause his marriage to collapse. I was just there when he gave up pretending it was still a marriage. I love him. I plan to marry him. He loves me. He plans to marry me.

& yes, we both find it handy that our faith in Jesus Christ absolves us from any sins our relationship causes in God's eyes. We have read Jesus' words that Moses gave the law allowing for divorce because we humans are so hard to teach/ that we have hardened hearts, but that God didn't intend it that way at the time of creation. We know that according to many Christians Adam & Eve made us all sinners just by existing. ( I don't know that I accept that.) We know that in Biblical times a man just had to say "I divorce you" three times & it was over. We have noticed that the modern legal system takes longer, but we did not get together until the modern legal process was started. (Ok, so it was actually just hours after the divorce petition was actually filed; that was a spur of the moment decision, & we weren't planning on doing so for awhile.) We have read Paul's words that say that a woman's remarrying after divorce is adultery. We find it odd that a man's remarrying after divorce is not so labeled. It just doesn't seem fair that the ex & FBE can remarry w/o committing adultery but I can't. I also know that because my ex has been with another woman, that I am free of my responsibility to that relationship. & Hey, his wife will be free to remarry too, if she would want to. We appreciate Paul's words that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. We truly appreciate that it is faith in Jesus Christ & God that gives us salvation & not the Law.

Yes, I can hear some Christians now saying that we have manipulated our understanding of the Bible & the law to "justify" ourselves. Probably so. I started doing such things when I was first tempted by pre-marital sex. Four boys owed my father 30 silver coins, but since I wasn't living with my father I figure the meals & movies & gifts the boys gave me more than paid that debt. & I thought of myself as engaged to 2 of them, actually married one of the two. I knew I wouldn't ever marry the other 2. The other 2? One was a one night stand with a past boyfriend; we had seen each other for 2 years & never done "it." Then we had our one & only actual date about 2 years later. It was sort of like crossing off a list before moving on with our lives. The other? Pure ego boost for both of us. He was the handsomest guy I ever dated. A pure Latin lover hunk. I was his tall thin kind of wealthy blonde with hair to her waist. When I look back at my pictures from then, I realize that I was quite the catch. I didn't realize it then.

I've shown FBE photos from summer of 85, when I was still a virgin. I told him that I may have looked good, but I was a true emotional wreck then. I was about as mentally unstable as a girl could get... except that I went off the deep end for certain spring of 86. I should have been on meds. It was as I was putting myself back together again in fall 86 & spring 87 that the one night stand & the Latin lover happened. Met the ex right after that, when I was certain that I was over all past loves. When I was certain that I did not need a man in my life to be complete... Wish I had kept on moving forward a little longer sometimes, but I love my kids. Ah well, FBE married in May or June of 87.

He was the only ex, I didn't revisit before my "moving on." He would have been unmarried still at that time. I wonder now, what if I had. I looked for jobs in the area & was sort of willing to move there. I didn't trust myself to teach in a big city, or I could have gotten hired down near there. Would I have been mature enough to accept him, or would my old fears of a poverty ridden life resurfaced? (Heck, I was impoverished. I lived in the feared trailer house & I ate left overs off of customers' trays at Wendy's. Would have done it at Mc Donald's too, but the set up of the building didn't give me the privacy I needed to do so.)

Would we have been mature enough to have made a good marriage? I had learned to talk; I had not learned to fear & be submissive yet. FBE & I both had "eager to please" personalities when we first married. Whose would have become dominant? Is there a dominant one now? I don't feel dominated. I don't feel as though he is submissive to me, though I feel a little bit on a pedestal. I admire him & his talents. I wonder if he feels like he's up on a pedestal just a bit.

Ah, the phone rings.... so I asked him. He doesn't know who would be the dominant of us two, but he has never felt like he's on a pedestal.

So now I really need to get back to chores since it is after 4 pm already.

Take care,
Pete

2008-01-16T15:17:00.000-06:00

How could it be a month?

Well, I spent a good portion of December in the old home town.

I've spent every weekend with FBE either here or there. I spent more time in the hometown area with him than with my mother or brother. There is even a chance I spent more time with his children during break than with my own. This because of how the custody rotation went. We did do a couple of outings with all 6 kids... or at least 5 of 6. That is EXPENSIVE. Matinee movies & buffet restaurants & still it was a bank roll each time.

He & I were mostly alone on Christmas day. We walked in the zoo. It was very nice.

I know that I will marry him if all continues as it is.

No, we don't have a solution to custody issues, but we think we could be married & not live together for a couple of years. That leaves just my youngest to refigure out custody when I move.

Yes, we do know that we've only been really communicating 3 1/2 months. That only 4 1/2 months ago we said almost our first words to each other in 25 years. Yes, we know. Yes, we know that it sounds crazy to the rest of the world. But it doesn't feel like 3-4 months.

We talk from 5:30-6:30 am, 11:30-12:14, 1 hour in the afternoon on my drive home, and at least one hour around 9 pm-- 5 days a week. Yes a minimum of 4 hours a day when we don't see each other.

I did not talk to my ex one hour a day most of the 17 years. He would say, "So why are you telling me?" or "Let me listen to the game." or "The show's back on."

What do we discuss? What we have done during the day, what's for dinner, the weather, when we get to see each other, our ex's... (ok, his is still technically an almost ex), scripture, our kids, our future, oh & we flirt & compliment. We also just listen in to each other interact with other people. He has two phones so I get to hear him talk with his wife & his kids on the other phone. My ex calls on my land line, so FBE has heard us talk.

We think we might promote FBE (First Boyfriend Ever)to LBE (Last Boyfriend Ever), but I'm a going to skip that step & just wait for Fiancee or Husband.

We know we want to marry. We are tempted by this summer. We know sensible waits longer. We know we are optomistic. I am not cynical about him.

He has a cute flirty personality. He's respectful & honorable He's complimentary or is it complementary... no, he's both actually. Our strengths & weaknesses work together, & he thinks I'm sexy, & beautiful, & smart & sweet & gracious & helpful and enjoyable and irresistable and and and...loveable. Who am I to disagree?

And then there are some other marvelous, glorious, amazing aspects to him... and he thinks so of me too.

Compatability in everything we have discussed, and done. Well, ok I suck at bowling & he's on a league. And as a former soldier & policeman & recent country resident he has guns, & I didn't even buy my kids water guns. But ... we actually don't disagree that much on what the situation in OUR home will be. It still needs some tweaking, but I think we're nearly compromised on that. Especially since OUR home will have fewer & older kids & a gun safe & we agree to fewer guns, just not quite how few. I understand his reasons for the varmint gun & his son's hunting gun. I'd just prefer NONE ever. And I've not actually gotten him to dance yet. He says he will, but he needs to practice up some.

He likes watching me dance... yup, like my daughter said moms aren't supposed to dance. He gets a big grin on his face when I dance around the house or in the car.

__________
Work has had its ups & downs. But unless I screw up somehow major, I am recommended for rehire.

Debate is doing well for our small squad. We win something everytime... just never 1st. Oh, well.

Time to go home, where the internet crashed... besides FBE gets off work in 5-10 minutes & I want to be walking out the school door or in the car when we begin to talk this afternoon.

Today's scripture: Proverbs 15: was about using gentle wise words to be a life giving tree... go look it up. It's been useful.

Take care,
Pete

2007-12-18T18:39:00.000-06:00

This I have learned:

Long distance daughtering is not for me.

I will not find out from a stranger that my mom needs doctoring, or assisted living or nursing home or, or, or .... is dying. I will not. I will not have 180 miles separating me & making it "too far" to go.

What I can't imagine doing: Long distance mothering.

It would be too hard, too.

There must be a way to be a mother & a daughter at the same time despite the 180 miles... or a way to get rid of the 180 miles & still do both.

But I never seemed to find it during the past decade.

I thought it was my husband's fault, & now I know it was mine, too. He didn't keep me here the past 2 years. I did. Me & My lame excuses.

Dad

2007-12-18T17:11:00.000-06:00

I wish these were my words; they are the mortuary's & the pastor's sentences. Both said they used our words our stories that we told.

"Neil ___, age 69, of C_____________, Real Estate Investor & retired Boeing Jig Builder, passed away Thursday, December 13, 2007.

Neil was born December 23, 1937 in Hutchinson. He was one of six children born to his parents Lester & Corine ____. ....

In the 4th grade, he moved to Milan, where Neil fell in love with the little girl in braids. He married Carla on November 27, 1957 in Wichita. He worked as a Jig builder at Boeing from 1957-1993. He also worked as a Real Estate Investor. One summer, right out of high school, he drove a cement truck to help build the Turnpike. He enjoyed woodworking, building & remodeling houses, trigonometry, playing checkers, riding motorcycles and traveling. He loved reading Louis Lamour & Zane Grey books. He had a pilot's license for small aircraft. When it came to his love of chocolate chip cookies, he was known as "The Cookie Monster." Neil was a member of the C___________ United Methodist Church, a past youth leader and a member of various church and civic boards."

_____________________
From Pastor Amy________:

We have come today to remember Neil and to celebrate his life. Carla would like to thank you for being here to honor him and to stand by her. We come to shoulder our grief together and to let the Lord do some of His healing work in our hearts.

Of course, we come with mixed feelings this afternoon....
We feel grief and loss, but we also feel gratitude and relief.

Neil lived an active and fruitful life! He also suffered much as a result of the strokes he has experienced, and so we are relieved and grateful that the Lord has now made his healing complete.

There's no need to choose between grief and gratitude... between sorrow and joy~ even though they seem to be opposite emotions.

All of these things are needed so that God can make our healing complete.
Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn because they will be comforted."
The Apostle Paul wrote, "Rejoice in the Lord always."

How are we supposed to make heads or tails of our emotions when we have both joy and sorrow churning inside of us?

When our emotions are confused like this, we sometimes don't know how to pray.
Jesus has given all of His followers a prayer to help us when we do not know how or what to pray.

Could we pray it together... our Lord's Prayer?

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as
we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil for Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

If we all took a moment to tell of our experiences with Neil, some of you might call him a jokester, and others would mention how it seems he best related to people by teasing them. He knew how to make people laugh, and some would remember him as an excellent storyteller. Some would tell of riding motorcycles or playing checkers with him. Still others would tell of his ingenuity as he worked for Boeing and in other of life's situations: like needing to do some roofing wile also caring for your three-year-old daughter. How long do you suppose it took him to come up with the idea to build a playpen out of stacks of shingles, put her favorite doll in one hand and her truck in the other and nail her dress to the roof as extra security? Neil was ingenious! He mananged to get the beams (3"x 12" by almost 20 feet) up in the house that Carla still lives in while everyone was gone for the day, and he refused to tell how he got it done. Maybe on that great day when we are all together again, he'll finally have mercy on us and tell us how. His ingenuity was not stopped by the strokes he experienced. About two hears ago he began to tell me about a neighbor of his at the Village for whom he was concerned. He wanted to see this man come to faith in the Lord and to have the hope that Neil himself had. We prayed for him together and through friendship, and I'm sure a little teasing, he saw his neighbor begin to come to worship and to faith... something that continues to this very day even in Neil's absence.

Neil came to faith at the age of 15 and has participated in the life of God's family ever since. He served as youth leader and on various committees as a member of the C__________ United Methodist Church and has faithfully worshipped with us, both at the Village and at the Manor. You could also find him at the seasonal singspirations when all the C________ churches gathered as one. He wasn't very outspoken about his love of God, but it was evident if you took the time to look behind the scenes. Neil's faith became sight last Thursday, December 13, when he went to be with the Lord he loved and served and trusted even in his suffering.

Message:
Jesus was no stranger to suffering, and he didn't just suffer on the old rugged cross.

In the gospels we read about two occasions when He also lost loved ones to death.

The two losses we can read about are that of Jesus' cousin, John the Baptist, and Jesus' dear friend Lazarus.

Jesus spent a lot of time at Lazarus' house with Lazarus and his two sisters Mary and Martha. Lazarus became very sick and was dying, and Mary and Martha knew just what to do: ... they sent word to Jesus knowing that He would come and heal their brother.
The fact that Jesus did not arrive in time to heal Lazarus from His sickness and that Lazarus died:... this caused great paing and confusion for all who loved him.

In John 11 we are allowed to see what happened when Jesus finally came: (Read John 11:32-44)

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" He asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"...
Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance."Take away the stone, " he said....
So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me."
When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!"
The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."

The circumstances of Lazarus' death allowed Jesus to demonstrate the power of God's love in yet another way.

It wasn't that He didn't care.
In fact, we see a sign of Jesus' deep-love in verse 35: "Jesus wept."
He didn't just shed a tear... He WEPT.

Why?... He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead.
Wouldn't we expect Him to say, "Everybody stop crying and watch this"?

No... In Jesus' weeping we get a look into the heart of God.

God enters into our grief. What we feel touches Him.
He is not callous and uncaring. He is compassionate and loving.
If you weep today, be comforted, for Jesus also weeps.
He cares about our hurt and He wants to enter into it with us.

Jesus' had a cousin named John;

...he was a fiery preacher and one of the few people who understood Jesus' mission....what God was doing through Christ to save all mankind.

It must have been comforting to Jesus to know that some one out there understood Him.
Well.... Matthew's Gospel tells us that John was imprisoned and execusted because he spoke courageously abot what-was-right and what-was- wrong.

His senseless death was a blow to Jesus.

Verse 13 of Chapter 14 says,

When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick (Mt 14.13-14)

Jesus healed lots of people and we often call Him the Great Physician.

But, in this event, the Great Physician gives us a prescription for our grief;

...He prescribes medicine for our hurt, the same medicine he takes after both Lazarus and John died:

... let yourself mourn; but have compassion on others who are suffering and give of yourself to help them.

If Jesus mourned, we can feel free to mourn... You have lost some one precious.

But God does not want us to become consumed by our grief.
Hear-again the hope of Jesus' words in John 11:25:
"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies."

Just as He called Lazarus' name, He has called Neil's name... called him to a new life.

Thanks be to God!

PAUSE

The fact that Neil has now left this world and crossed the threshold of death merely means that he has stepped into eternity~
.... welcomed home by his Lord!

And he would hope that all his children and grandchildren and friends and neighbors and acquainteances~
... he would hope that all of us would have this same hope in us: the hope that comes through faith in Christ Jesus.

The Apostle John was given a vision of what awaits God's children once we cross death's threshold.

It is not jus a vision that a man experienced long-ago. It is the reality of which Neil has become a part!

I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holdin palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: 'Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.'
All the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures. They fell down on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying: 'Amen! Praise and glory and wisdome and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever. Amen!'...
'Never agian will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.' (Rev 7:9-13, 16-17)

Give rest, O Christ to your servant Neil, along with all the saints who have preceded him... where sorrow and pain are no more.

You alone are immortal, the creator and maker of humanity; and we are mortal, formed of earth and unto earth we return.

We give Neil, O merciful Savior, to you. Receive him, we humbly ask you, a sheep of your own fold, a lamb of your own flock, a sinner of your own redeeming. Receive him into the arms of your mercy, into the company of the saints of light.

In sure and certain hope of the resurrection t oeternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother Neil; and we commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious unto him, the Lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace.

Father, we thank you for Neil and for the memories we share of our time here with him. We rest on Your promise to be here with us. We need You this afternoon.
We rest in your promise of eternal life.
We come with hearts that are broken and flooded with what seem to be conflicting emotions.
Give us grace for our grief.
Give us strength for the demands of this day and for the days to come.
We confess that we cannon bear our burdens alone, and we thank you for our friends and family through whom Your comfort comes.
Help us go from this place in the awareness of your presence, in the warmth of your understanding, and in the assurance of your care. We pray especially today for Carla, C___ and D____, O Lord. Give them peace and let us be givers of Your comfort. Comfort our hearts through the words we have heard today; strengthen us now with your presence as we go, help us cherish fond memories...holding them close to our hearts for many years to come, and may Your grace and peace be ours, both now and forever. In the strong and compassionate name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

2007-12-09T17:22:00.000-06:00

ok.

get down to business here.

Dad weighs 113 pounds. Mom thinks he'll get his Christmas wish of dying before then.

FBE's almost ex... yes, still almost.... finally had the restraining order served, so FBE is out of house again. One morning this week, she or her dad called the sherriff. This was after she gave him verbal permission to shower since his temporary staying place is plumbing challenged. He spent time with handcuffs on. She or her dad set him up. OH, & SHE has full custody. His KIDS are MAD. They want him to have full custody. FBE did finally get himself his own lawyer again. The man is too naive & trusting, & too much the "nice guy." But that is part of why his kids & I love him.

Wrecked my car on Thursday; Cell phone died Saturday.

FBE on phone right now.

2007-12-02T19:39:00.000-06:00

Heavy weights upon my soul:

My mom told me over Thanksgiving weekend that Dad does not want to live to Christmas. He weighs about 120 pounds. He looks like a concentration camp resident. I am angry that he is giving up & not fighting to live, but when I look around at his co-nursing home -residents (who are at healthier weights), I'm not so certain I would want to live there either. It is not a bad nursing home. It's clean; they try to be attentive. Mom visits daily around a meal time to try to give him the attention & help he needs to eat well at least once a day.

I am accustomed to believing that when I pray, my prayers are answered. Ask & I shall receive is what the Bible promises me. I do not know what to ask for. I have never like "God's will be done" prayers; they seem like such a cop out on faith. I know that God already granted me prayers for miracle healings for him as he has healed & regained abilities beyond what is "normal" from strokes for a decade now. I feel like I've wasted that decade by not visiting him frequently. Then I wasted this weekend too.

______________

When FBE came on Wednesday before Thanksgiving, our kids got along just fine.

Also on Thanksgiving weekend he went with me to visit my dad on Friday afternoon & spent a few hours with me & my family in the evening. Then on Saturday he came over around 4:30; his family was at a birthday party for his father-in-law. We went out on a date. My boys said I had a curfew of 11 pm. My mom said that since it was NOT a school night I could stay out until 12. I was home at 11:04. My boys asked, "Where did you go? What did you do?" We told most of the truth. They added their own estimates for how long shopping in a mall where there are 2 bookstores, eating supper, driving around looking at Christmas lights & then eating ice cream would take. They only found an hour of unaccounted for time. We did not account for it, nor point out that their estimating of the other activities was generous. FBE & the boys seem to get along alright.

Oh my mom shared a memory & more with me during Thanksgiving weekend. One day long ago when FBE & she just happened to see each other. He told her that he "ended up marrying " his wife, and then he sighed head down. Mom also has an unidentified source that thought FBE's wife would be a "very hard woman to live with." Oh, and Mom said something that let my boys learn that his divorce was not final yet. I told them that his wife has been making it take longer than necessary. Mom reminded me that waiting for my divorce to take longer than it had to "was worth it, wasn't it?" That is the first time my mom has ever acknowledged that my divorce was a good thing.

On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, FBE told me that his new boss had demoted him & cut his pay, cuz he "just didn't seem to be superintendent material after all." His boss never gave him tasks to prove his abilities. The superintendent FBE has been working with most of the time says the boss is hard to work with until you get to know him well, and thinks that FBE could do the job given a chance. The superintendent will speak on FBE's behalf. FBE has already applied for new jobs, cuz the paycut has him living on 20K less a year. He is thankful to have his job.
______________

Early in the week his 10 year-old had asked what she was to call me. Originally I was known as Pete to her, but she hears him call me by a version of my given name, too. He pointed out to her that eventually my last name will change, so Pete wouldn't be my name any longer then. Therefore, she could just call me a version of my first name too. On Thursday, she asked him if she could call me Mom once we get married. FBE reminded her to not expect us to marry soon, but that he was sure I wouldn't mind her calling me Mom. Wow! That does thrill me ! How cool!? I told FBE that though my kids often call me Mom, they were originally trained to call me Mama. The 10 yr old could choose whatever she wanted, including my real name. It will be totally up to her.
_____________

FBE & I talked a lot about which of us would travel this weekend to visit the other. He finally said that if he came here that we could go to church together, since we can't do so down there yet with the divorce still not quite final. He came up on Friday night. Then he called his father-in-law's house around 9 pm to talk to his kids who were there. The father-in-law would not put the kids on the phone & said they were getting ready for bed, even though the truth was that they were standing beside him asking to talk to FBE. FBE was told that he is NEVER to call that house again. Being denied access to his kids weighed heavily upon FBE.

He left Saturday instead of staying. I miss him, but understand. At church today folks asked about him. Without my requesting it the Sunday school prayed for us... how cool is that? They of course do not know that his divorce is not final. They just know that we have 180 miles & 6 kids between us.

On Friday at work, he was finally served a restraining order that is now about 4 weeks old. It prohibits him from living at the family house, gives her sole custody of the kids & orders him to pay her almost 2K in child support & maintenance.

On Tuesday FBE's new lawyer will file a counter to the restraining order that should nullify it cuz she let him stay in the house for those weeks and have parenting rights; his extensive tools for his work & side business are at the house, and they now have almost the exact same income so he shouldn't have to pay maintenance & child support. The 2K for the wife was based upon his old salary. He can't begin to cover those costs now.

He has no problem with the idea of paying child support, as long as it is reasonable for his salary. He does have problems with maintenance cuz she has 16K in savings that she has refused to use to pay down their credit card debt from when she was unemployed. He has nothing in savings because he's been trying to pay down the debt.

He can only afford to pay the lawyer cuz his aunt is giving him money that she inherited from his mom. She plans for him to inherit it eventually anyway, if she doesn't need it before she dies. He's a nice guy who helps her when she needs it, and she never has liked his wife.

Last week his new lawyer said that the divorce will be done on Dec. 15, but that is a Saturday, so probably the 17th is more accurate. My divorce was final Dec 22, two years ago, so we have thought it would be cool if our divorces were final on the same day, but we won't complain if his is earlier. We quite honestly actually expect her lawyer to file some sort of continuance, and so are not holding our breaths.

On Friday the wife STILL didn't KNOW that he visits me. She was still trying to get him to give up the divorce on Saturday night. She even offered to help him take a shower earlier in the week...something he swears she never offered in the previous 25 years. I have a feeling that her dad is not the idiot she is. FBE has left the family home every other weekend since mid-October. He did not use his brother (who has willingly covered since he doesn't like the wife & never has) as an excuse this weekend... just visiting friends.

FBE called not long before I started writing. His wife decided after a church potluck today to enforce the restraining order & told him to move out this evening. He said he would call later tonight. That was 2 hours ago. The phone just rang.

Bye.

2007-11-21T08:14:00.000-06:00

Dear Ones,

Where to start?

FBE's (First Boyfriend Ever's) kids have not told their mother about me, but I've talked with them even more. One time we were all talking right up until the mother was in the driveway. I think FBE almost wants to get caught. She knows FBE & I have talked because he told her that I've been through a divorce, & he appreciated talking w/ a Christian who had been through a divorce. She doesn't know that we talk for around 3 hours a day, every day. She doesn't know he has been to visit.

His younger two kids are coming here tonight with him. My house is 1/2 way to relatives in Iowa. The wife knows he will "probably find a room" someplace around Topeka & KC instead of driving the whole way to Iowa after work tonight. We're going to go to a pizza buffet when they get to town, then they are spending the night here. His kids get to know me, & mine; my kids get to know him & his. I'm not nervous, but my kids might be. I am only worried about one "minor" detail. My kids know that his divorce is more recent to that family's life; they don't know it isn't final yet. There is a chance they'll figure that out tonight.

When I told my boys they were coming I asked them to figure out who would sleep where. We have the bed & couch space to make it work easily, but the boys didn't want to share their rooms, so the negotiating between them took about 30 minutes. I kept my mouth shut. Their end solution was to let FBE stay in my room & to trust us to behave. I then did say, "What if that is not ok with his children?" Well then one of us 2 had to sleep on the couch. FBE was SHOCKED when I told him that the boys would let him sleep with me, but we agreed that he'll sleep on the couch instead. His kids & my daughter would not approve, and it is not a good example to set either. Ok, so my boys guess we already have, but it is just cuz they're smart & not because they've been told or had solid evidence. They don't work for a CSI lab.

I also told my boys about the conversations FBE had with his two youngest about us getting married. They weren't so certain about being a part of the wedding, but since they don't know him maybe they'll change their minds... so one of them said. I said not to worry because we just don't see it happening anytime soon. We talked about me/us moving there. They don't want to, as predicted. They like the 1/2 time with each parent custody that we have now. I told them I don't want less custody of them, but more. My youngest said it would kill me to not see them. He is right. They say we can marry when they've graduated from high school. My youngest is about to flunk 8th grade... so 5 years is the soonest according to them.

That seems so long. Even just waiting for the 10th grader to graduate seems an eternity right now.

Along time ago... 1980-1982... FBE & I were going to marry on an August 8. His birthday & mine are the 5th & 11th. The date of 08-08-08 calls our name, but we just can't envision how to make that happen. I'd need a new job, & a new custody arrangement that the kids like; we'd need a place to live. I want him to experience living ALONE.

I want our divorce/previous marriage debts paid off. Mortgages are ok, but he plans to refinance some of their credit card debt into a new mortgage. It is from when she was unemployed for awhile. She wouldn't let him move it to lower interest by doing this earlier, nor has she used "her savings" to pay it off/down. Meanwhile the debt grows. He is FRUSTRATED by her lack of money sense. I understand & agree with the money sense of his plan, but emotionally I want that debt paid instead of being over us in our relationship. Meanwhile, my extra duty pay from debate, class sponsor & department chair will get me very close to out of debt. Plus I also substitute during my plan frequently. Much of my debt is now actually home improvements, or so I like to believe. The cabinets 1K, the roof 1.5K, the water softener 1k, the new bathtub 3k, the doors almost 1K, ... Ok, so I lie to myself cuz that doesn't add up to the 10K, BUT all of my debt except the mortgage is at 0%. I'm going to keep it that way, if I can. I have 1K in a CD that matures in late Jan/early Feb, so if I am wise about Christmas I'll be fine.

Anyway... 9 months just doesn't allow for all that needs to be done and experienced while working full time, plus planning a wedding.

I want a WEDDING. I've done the elopement/small quiet thing. I want friends & family. I want to celebrate. FBE says he likes my minister & that he can perform our wedding. I think we'll wait awhile to tell the minister that. A Saturday morning outside as the sun rises followed by a big old breakfast buffet. Ok, so as FBE said, it might be hard to get guests to show up for a sunrise service in the summer, but at least it won't be too hot. But a hotel is only 2 blocks from the church which has a nice empty "future park" right beside it. August 8 is on a Saturday in 09, but it just doesn't have the same "ring" to it. I don't want huge debt from a ceremony either.

I want my dad to live to see us marry.

He only weighs 125 pounds, and was 5'10" tall. I FEEL like I'll be lucky to see him live to Christmas, but that is not based on medical opinion. FBE is going with me to the nursing home. I want my dad to at least see us together.

I want to be able to move to the farm land that my mom & her sisters own as newlyweds. I want them to sell me/us the land. I want us to have at least built enough of a house there for us to move into. This land is about 15-30 miles farther away than FBE's house, which he may or may not get in the settlement.

I know, I know... I want a lot of things, but haven't said what he wants, nor laid out a plan for how to make it all work. He likes my idea of the alternative school on the land. He likes the idea of living on the land. I'm not certain he knows I want to live there early in the marriage & not "some day." He is tempted by the 08-08-08, but knows it is impractical.

I wish I didn't have an innate urge to always be practical. I wish I was more comfortable with more spontaneity, whims & desires. I wish I was more comfortable with throwing caution to the wind. I am glad he too has an innate urge to be practical, and has some of the same wishes for himself that I have.

I wish I knew how to have my kids & him at the same time. Any solutions out there, World? We know that we just have to pray & wait for God's time to give us the solutions, but if any of you have God's answer for us, please feel free to share it.

One friend already wrote, "Who says you HAVE to live together right away after getting married?" Unique perspective, but have trouble with the idea, even though it has crossed my mind before. I told FBE that a part of me is tempted by a private ceremony just for us, and then later a public event once we are able to live together.

Yes, I know it was only a few short months ago I wrote that I wasn't ready for commitment, marriage, living together, mingling money, etc... I know. I know. I know. So even more reason to keep the legal stuff for later & just wait. BUT waiting will be hard because FBE is so awesome: Christian, sweet, trustworthy, communicative, supportive, sensitive, courteous, even keeled, wise, moral (except for being w/ me before divorce is final), honest (except for not telling his wife fully about our relationship), musical, capable, handsome & becoming even more so now that his sorrow & stress are dissipating, finely built body which is also improving as he has lost almost 20 pounds since he changed jobs. He listens to my words, my tone & my body language when he gets to see it. He knows when I'm angry, nervous, upset, frustrated, holding something back, or sad. He responds in ways that help the conversation continue. He knows how to make me laugh. He has common sense, parenting sense and money sense. He values his family. He is even trying to be sensitive to his wife's feelings & needs even though he wants the divorce more & more as she tries to stall the divorce. He says I understand him. I could go on & on, but it just adds up to that I love him, and he loves me, & we think this is more than just the "in love" that occurs early in all relationships.

Well, I've stalled on working on my to do list a lot longer than I should have, so I must go.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving. May you be as thankful for you life as God tells us to be, even in our tribulations.

Take care,
Pete

2007-11-14T19:05:00.000-06:00

FBE's 10 yr old is such a sweetie... and my goodness he has told her a lot about me & our past & our present. I don't think my kids know that much about him or us. She likes reading & writing too. My last phone conversation with his number lasted 45 minutes; I spent over 30 minutes of it talking with her and not him. He had me on speaker phone so he interjected a few times, and translated a few times when I couldn't hear her.

Meanwhile, the wife is ... well, FBE has now hired his own lawyer again. The wife isn't talking to FBE, but having the pastor, her mother & the children deliver messages. She evidently just sat w/o talking in front of the pastor & the church woman that night she brought them over. FBE tried to talk with her, but she mostly wouldn't. The 13 yr old son called her a liar to the pastor, when she claimed that FBE was threatening her, & she had to seek refuge behind her son. I've heard him confirm that he said that. FBE says the church woman now see's FBE's perspective of it all, instead of the wife's. The wife keeps saying that she wants the marriage to last, that she doesn't want a divorce, but then she says she doesn't trust him to not hurt her or be faithful. Why would any one want to stay with some one they can't trust.

Now, why would another woman (me) want a man a wife can't trust? Cuz I know the kids adore FBE & like me. I know that if he was hurtful or abusive they wouldn't. Yes, he does get angry. Yes, I've chastised him for being childish towards her in his anger a few times, but by golly, if she is doing what he says, then I probably would have behaved worse towards her if I were him. Furthermore, I trust him because he was faithful to her for 25 years, despite her acting like she did not like physical intimacy. He gave her warning that he was tempted to look before he did. He did not cheat until after he filed for divorce. He did not cheat w/ just any one, but with some one she knew he had loved before. So, the only person I would have to worry about him cheating with is her, and let's just say that I'm rather certain he ain't tempted. If he's faithful to me for 25 years, ... well, heck he'll over 70 & I won't be far behind... & I've a date with a college sweetie when it's time to hit the nursing homes anyway. Yeah, that guy is happily married now, and we barely know each other anymore, but hey, a deal is a deal. And I'll be such a wild woman by then that I'll be able to keep up with 2 men if they can get it up. ;)

All those who believe that, raise your right hand, aim it at the reply button & tell me so.

Today's bedside table inspirational message states: "God has a purpose and a plan in the operation of the universe. God is never in a hurry, but God is ALWAYS on time."

When I was a teenager, I had a repeated dream that I was unmarried & pregnant, but it was NOT FBE's baby. I already knew by then that I had dreams that came true. But I also saw FBE & I together when we were older. It puzzled me. Then what do you know, but there came a time when I was unwed & pregnant, and now FBE & I are together. I could never have become who I am married to FBE, he was & is too nice to make me learn to stand up for myself. I had to get sick of being picked on. I would never have been strong enough to be a teacher with out my experiences away from FBE & with others. I could never have given kids the understanding ears w/o those experiences. They did not kill me, but they tempted me to die. They made me stronger, and I really hope I'm done with those kinds of experiences. Ok, being stronger wouldn't be bad, but I think it is now a matter of positive reinforcement and alternative perspectives for me to grow versus negative experiences.

May you have the experiences that help you grow stronger & be more faithful to God as you know he won't give you more than you can handle. May you remember that all joy is available through him also & everything will ALWAYs be on time.

Take care,
Pete

2007-11-11T20:14:00.000-06:00

My dearest folks,

Where shall I begin?
Let me add on to the conversation FBE had with his daughter. I love it so. To recap: She caught him hanging up the phone from talking with me, she asked who he had talked to. He had said a friend; she had asked if it was a GIRL friend... she could tell. He did not lie to her; he told her that it was ME. Did she remember the woman at the park in September? Yes, she did. I am a real sweetie. She liked me. Were we going to get married? Well, he didn't know, but yes, it has crossed our minds to do so eventually.

Then today. His 14 year old son asked if he could be FBE's bestman when we marry. FBE told his son, that uh, it wasn't going to be anytime soon. Maybe in 3 years or so.

Yesterday morning: He had me on speaker phone with his kids as they were running some errands. I don't recall much of what was discussed except the pros of root beer & Pepsi over the yucks of Coke. They had been removing large tools from a workshop FBE owns that is on his Father-in-laws land. FBE was supposed to be taking his wife's stuff to the workshop, but I don't think he did. Silly man.

Last night: I had him on speaker phone with my boys. My eldest & I were wrestling around some. He was in my bed around his bedtime & wanted a back rub from me. A few nights ago, Eldest was lounging on my bed when FBE called. I put the earbud in to talk w/ FBE. I said something about plugging him into my ear. He made a comment about getting plugged into me. I said, "That's why I use the earbud & not the speaker phone." Eldest left the room saying he didn't want to know what was said. So last night, I told FBE that he was on speaker phone so he could say things that would make Eldest leave, but he didn't. They talked. Youngest son came in & they talked some too. THEN his son came into the room & whapped him. So then they were wrestling around. It was a night full of laughter.

Last night his wife still lived with him, but she was at her father's "trying" to set some things right. She was supposed to fix several things yesterday. She was to get the mail coming back to the house. Her stopping of his mail & the kids is very probably a felony & almost made some of their bill payments be late. She was to reconnect him to some bank accounts so that he could pay bills. She was to reconnect their son to the son's bank accounts. She did not. She was to return some guns back to the house. FBE bought safety locks for them. She did not. She had agreed to do these things if he went with her to her counselor (he did on Thursday night) and her lawyer, which he did on Friday during work hours. He kept his end of the bargain; she did not.

Some time since I last wrote, he cancelled his lawyer & was going to allow her lawyer to do all of the work, so that they could have a cheaper uncontested divorce. It ain't a happenin' the way she agreed to do it.

He just called. Just now. His words: Keep him in my prayers. WWIII just broke out at his house. A couple of ladies & the pastor are at his house. His bag is packed, & he'll call again in a little while.

Earlier today She was at church long after the after church potluck was over. He knew something was up, but didn't know what. He told her late last night & early this morning that she needed to quit saying that she didn't want the divorce to him & the church folks, but acting like she did w/ the banking, guns, etc. As far as he was concerned he was no longer going to act like they were married in any way. She needed to move out. He would reconnect with his own lawyer if she didn't start talking with him at home about how to divvy up their stuff.

He went to a different church this morning that they sometimes attended, while she went to the one they usually attended. He was so mad that he had rearranged & hidden some of her stuff, but hadn't removed it from the property. I told him that was just his anger & frustration making the situation worse, and that is was childish. If he wanted to do something, then he could take her clothes & necessities to her parents' house for her to use &/or her pack rat stuff to the workshop that he had emptied of his tools. He agreed & said he'd fix it. Last I talked to him was about 4:30; he was watching his son fish still. His wife was still at the church... just blocks away. She would most logically drive by them on her way home.

I wonder how it all went down. I'll know before long. I tried calling around 6:00, when he didn't answer I wondered why he didn't answer. And left a voice mail that said that I knew he was busy doing family things, but that when he needed to talk, I would be available. When by 7:30 he hadn't returned my call, I knew that there was some drama going on at the house, & I knew I could not call again. It was 8:30 when he called for just a minute.

The kids were already mad at her. Now, they'll be ticked off for certain. All three kids have told her that they want to live with their dad in their house. All three kids have told her that she should be the one to leave. They have different reasons, but it adds up to that they are angry with her & don't like the way she treats them or FBE. Yes, he has me in his life now, & they know it. Yes, it is technically immoral & wrong, but they don't care. They are glad their dad has some one in his life that makes him happy. They have no problem keeping their knowledge of me from their mom. BUT I wonder if some how youngest daughter said something accidentally. She was with her mom this morning. Perhaps what FBE has been saying for almost a month now finally sunk into his wife's brain. By the way, her pastor is about as negative about divorce as a church can be. Plus, she has lied to the pastor, & he is taking her side in it all.

I wonder if the kids will talk to the pastor. I wonder if they are in the house. I know they will speak their minds if they are nearby. I wonder if the grown ups will listen to their preferences as to which parent leaves. I wonder if they will mention me & make the whole thing become even worse.

I just wish this drama didn't have to happen ... Why does she have to make it WWIII? duh, ok. She is hurt & angry. She feels cast off for no reason. She doesn't "get it" when he explains to her why he can't take living with her anymore.

I hope & pray that things calm & settle down so that the kids can get some sleep & function at school tomorrow.

Time to go pray some more.

Take care,
Pete

2007-11-09T18:10:00.000-06:00

FBE's 10 year old walked up to him as he hung up from talking with me. She asked with whom he had been talking. He said a friend. She said, A girlfriend. He told her it was me. She said, "Oh, she's a real sweetie." She remembered me from the park. She liked me. She has no plans to tell her mom. The mom/almost exwife knows FBE & I have talked some cuz he told her that we 've talked because I've been through a divorce before. But... anyway. The daughter is ok with FBE talking with me. Hooray! All 3 kids know. The wife is still trying to get a reconciliation.... or so she says, but she keeps doing things that make FBE even more certain that the divorce is the right thing to do. He is appalled, so are the kids. She had the mail diverted. I told him to get his diverted long ago, but he didn't.... Oh, well. He's living & learning the hard way. I wish he was less trusting of her, but in some ways it is more endearing that he is so trusting.

Got to go be a mom

Take care,
Pete

2007-11-04T21:41:00.001-06:00

Prayers for the kid who dropped out last spring, contemplated suicide & did night school...life is tough for him again. He's hanging in there best he can.

Prayers for my 3 Karens: all of them have been having health issues.

Prayers for "my" soldiers in Iraq: Sean, Phillip, Jonathan, Daniel, plus my many unknown students who are over there.

Prayers for my youngest: He just isn't understanding that he has to do school work & chores.

Prayers for my dad: dementia & basic brain damage from strokes

Prayers for mom: putting up w/ Dad & other stuff.

Prayers for FBE's kids & almost ex-wife.... she ain't makin this quick & easy. Guess she's finally realizing he is something worth having. She needs comforting & a release from lots of past anger. I don't know at whom she is angry cuz it's old anger... but I would guess herself, & God & FBE & her parents. How do I know...packrat, depression, bitter negativity... all classic symptoms. & No, FBE is not my only source, just my main source.

His kids are doing surprisingly well, for now. They seem to truly love their dad. They call him at all hours just to talk with him. I hear them in the background when he & I are on the phone. The youngest is so sweet that I can't wait to meet her, but I have to. The older two are so outspoken that I admire their ease with speaking their feelings. Tough issues in front of them & they have the courage to speak up. Never heard of them being down right rude or vulgar, except once. Don't blame the boy in some ways... he'd just got his driving permit & mom wouldn't let him drive on some back country roads when he's driven in fields already.

Prayers for FBE: He still feels committed to the divorce... for more reasons than ever...negative reasons from wife & her family...positive reasons with me. But it's turning out to be harder to make actually happen than he thought. A few weeks ago his face was just all stress & tiredness. He's looking better, but he has lost his temper with her a few times. He says he apologized to her & the kids for a really bad night.

I watch him handle his anger... MUCH Better than my ex, but my past makes me worry just a bit anyway. He knows it. He knows everything I can remember to tell him.

I told him at the beginning that I see myself stuck here for 5 years because of kid custody issues. He asked me last week where I saw us in 3 years... Married before then, except I don't know how we resolve my kid custody issues. He asked cuz he was seeing the same thing. We can envision playing with grandkids together. We can envision working on projects together, traveling on the motorcycle, singing, praying, growing grayer together.

I can't imagine having to be ok with just some weekends here & there for 3 years, let alone 5.
I told him that saying good bye today was harder than sending him back to Germany in Sept. 1980. He understood.

It seems too odd that the first time he called was only 6 weeks ago. The cell phone has logged 82 hours of talking in October mostly to him, plus the last time either of us counted e-mails there were over 100 (some just 2-10 words, others true lengthy conversations), & we saw each other 110 hours through today. And we are basically usually asleep & not talking between the hours of 10 & 5:30 when we are apart.

It is hard to think of something we haven't discussed. Finances, financial beliefs: done. Religious beliefs: done. Husband/wife relationships: Done many times. Anger: done, many times. Life goals & dreams: done. Child rearing philosophies & experiences: many times. Previous relationships: done & doing as they continue to impact us. Politics: ok, could go deeper, but many social issues discussed. Our own past: done. Weather: daily ( he gives me my forecast.) Our daily activities: daily... 3-4 times daily. Pets: done. (He believes dogs belong outside, & so did I until mine ended up being allergic to grass.) Friends: hmm. He's heard of mine, but I don't know so much about his... he talks a lot about spending time w/ extended family though & I don't so much. Jobs: daily.

Well time for bed & it's too late to buzz him... oh well. There is always 5:30 in the morning... that's our habit. Call us wierd, but we've already gotten up & dressed by then (except for the day I overslept & he caught me naked). At 5:30 I usually start my commute, & he finds a way to not be overheard.

May you anticipate awakening & starting each day with the happiness I experience.

Take care,
Pete

2007-10-25T09:43:00.000-05:00

A friend warned me that I am in uncharted waters & that I should look out for whirlpools of despair. It may be uncharted waters, but I am there with a dear friend who also sees the way the waters ebb & flow. There may be some big waves & coral reefs to work around, but there are no whirlpools of despair or regret.

There are amazing feelings of comfort & joy.

There is an amazing ease of communication. We've covered some hard topics very quickly. It helps that he is still actually going through the divorce in some ways. When his wife gets frustrating, then he explains why its frustrating & shares his emotions & thoughts. I have on occasion pointed out that I can be like her.... though I usually am not.

She knows I exist. She asked frequently. At first his answer was no, because we had not re-met & then were barely communicating. Then he moved up to, "but I ain't sitting around once its done" because we were communicating. Now he's up to "maybe, but I wouldn't tell you if there was." Last night she asked if this maybe, is me. She used my name. He replied, "Maybe, but it's none of your business." You see, she's being told by her friends that shared custody doesn't work. He said he'd been talking to people too & they say it does work. She asked who he'd been talkin' to. He said, something about remember that he talked to some one for 2 hours at fall festival & that is how we do it.

He asked me how I felt about her knowing. I said I'm glad she doesn't know where I live, and I worry that she will be angry & vengeful in the divorce proceedings, but I'm glad the complete lie isn't there anymore. We all three know that his answer was obviously not the whole truth. It also makes her know that she has lost him & that he's not coming back to her. Plus according to her religious beliefs adultery is the only acceptable reason for a divorce. So she can now blame him for the divorce instead of accepting the blame of being a negative criticising frigid packrat of a wife who made it easy for some one else to look appealing.

Despite what FBE says, she's been competing with me for him for about 24 years even though I've not been around except the last 2 months. Yes, he loved her & still has compassion for her. BUT: If he saw my parents, he asked about me. He told his kids that I was the one who got away. When he found out I was divorced, he began to wonder what if... When he saw me last winter at a pizza place for 2-3 minutes with our families, he got a glimmer of hope. When he saw me at the church service, he decided to step forward with faith. She saw us together, & was not pleased. When we were together recently, he said he had waited 25 years for this experience. I had to tell him that it wouldn't have been "this" 25 years ago. He understands me.

I don't think she realizes he has been to visit me. He did not come until after he filed for divorce. She did call his brother in Iowa to see if he really was there this past weekend. He was, because I told him he wasn't going to lie to his wife about everything. We just didn't tell her that I was there at the kitchen table listening. I like that brother & understand why he is FBE's favorite. The brother has never liked FBE's wife.

It feels so good to share concerns & worries & joys with FBE. I've never been in a relationship before where I could talk about my fearful, nervous & cautious emotions. When we dated before, I could write some of it to him, but we never talked about them. He didn't used to communicate about emotions either, but now he does. If either of us changes the subject away from a hard topic, we bring it back gently & finish it up.

With 6 kids, 180 miles and 1 1/2 ex spouses, & scars from a total of 37 years of bad marriage (his 20 & my 17) we have plenty of fearful & nervous emotions to go around.

We agreed yesterday, that despite the fact that neither of us are actually moving slowly into this emotionally, that we will keep telling ourselves & the rest of the world that we are going to take this slowly. I am not ready for a living together relationship. He needs to let the dust settle in his life & figure out how he likes to live w/o her. He told me once this weekend that he loves me. I told him that it was very tempting to say it back, but I'm not going to & he needed to not say it again for awhile. So he now says that it would be very easy for him to fall in love with me and that he loves the time we spend together in person or on the phone; I can say those things to him. If I were in my 20's or younger, I would say that I'm in love, because I have most of the symptoms. As I am older, I say that I'm afraid to fall in love.

We dislike that we are stuck 180 miles apart due to our shared custody arrangements & jobs.

Meanwhile we each easily envision our futures together. We have shared our individual dreams & goals & see that they easily overlap & compliment each other....once I move back to take care of my folks' stuff. Until then it's complicated.

Unless Mom gets in bad shape before my youngest graduates from high school in at least 5 years, I'm here. I can't take care of Mom & Dad's stuff from a distance. The only other hope is that the Ex screws up so badly that my sons refuse to live with him & are willing to move with me. I won't hold my breath. I told FBE that my kids come first, & I won't move to where I see them less unless I have to care for my parents. He understands.

He's lucky that his older two kids don't want to live with their mom, but he's going to have the youngest 2 visit her on the weekends I don't have my kids. We don't need chaperoned every time we see each other. The oldest 2 girls are both 18, but his is a month younger & still in high school. Coincidentally, my daughter's name & his daughter's name are almost the reverse of each other with one's middle name being the other's first, and one's first being VERY similar to the other one's middle. ( & we have more important things in common too.)

But 5 years of travelling back & forth is not appealing. I don't want our "taking it slowly" to last that long & neither does he. But we also don't want anything bad to happen to Mom, and we'd like my kids to have a decent relationship w/ their father/the EX even if he is a jerk. He is a good father most of the time.

I've been home Tuesday, Wednesday & today with a really bad cold. I feel like I"m coughing up my lungs. But the doctor told me it's just a virus. I had told her that my new boyfriend started Zithromax on Thursday & that I saw him the Monday before & the Friday after. She says, he wasted his money on the Zithromax if he had the same thing I do. She asked how long I have known him. Told her I met him when I was 12, but that our first date in 25 years had been that previous Monday. She said that I should have fun & enjoy him, so I'll take her advice for now.

My mom also recently told me that life is short so I should have fun & enjoy it. She does NOT know about FBE, yet except that she was there at the park when we started the first two hour talk. She didn't stay for the whole thing. She lives in the same community as FBE. Mom's not a gossip, but we thought it best if the area didn't find out about us faster than his wife did. He & I may do some of the Thanksgiving & my parent's 50 wedding anniversary weekend together, so I'll have to warn her before then.

I told my daughter about FBE, but she hasn't responded. The sons seem OK with it, except they tease me about being on the phone a lot. They do not know he is not fully divorced yet. I won't be telling them anytime soon, if ever. OK, eventually I might have to, unless his 2 older kids tell my kids first. Yes, they know, but his youngest does not. His 18 yr old is glad the divorce is happening & has stated that she is glad her dad is happier. She calls & teases him about me, when he's here. I think I told you that she guessed & he didn't lie.

One last coincidence has happened. In August on a whim I signed up w/ a computer matching/dating service. In August, I got a few e-mails & phone conversations from it. In September, I initiated a few contacts, but didn't get many responses. In August & September, I prayed to God, telling him that I didn't know if any of these men or this process would be right for me, but that I knew he would provide me with a good man if I was to ever have one, again. Do I consider the reappearance of FBE in my life in early September ... & at a church service at that...& even more noticeably in my life in early October an answered prayer? Not yet.... right now it's just an interesting coincidence that I'm recording for history. Maybe God just knows that we both wouldn't healthfully "move on" with our lives until we had reconnected. Time will tell.

I told FBE that I was grading papers today while I'm home sick, so I should move on to that so I won't be lying to him when he calls during lunch. I've never talked on the phone so much in my life... in the morning before work, at lunch, on the drive home from work & often again around bedtime. I didn't talk to my husband this much in person even, perhaps that's why he's the Ex?

May you do the talking and praying you need to do to live a full and complete life.

Take care,
Pete

2007-10-17T18:17:00.000-05:00

Time to spread some joy to the women of the earth....sorry, you men just won't truly appreciate this... Women go to www.joleneroxbury.com/amrox1.html & track down the ob-gyn answering machine message by Jolene Roxbury . When I went there, it just played it without me trying to make it work. a few fun phrases to tempt you... mammary gravitational program... S.U.I.T = sumpthin up in thar

I have lots of joy in my life at this time.... People, including some previously rude students, just keep complimenting me on my joyful radiant glow.

I did not listen very well to conventional wisdom of my friends or myself. I did not run in the opposite direction. I quit worrying in the last few days about it being STUPID & in the realm of WRONG. The FBE is a very nice gentleman, & we have lots more in common after being apart for 25 years than we did. His friends have noticed that he is happier & less stressed too. His 18 year old daughter even figured out why, & she's happy for him & keepin' his secret with out being asked to.

He has filed for divorce, & the wife finally believes him that it's over... She ran to the bank, just like I told him she would. He, being a nice guy, didn't go there first, like I told him to. He's lucky he has any money left. She's at the mad vengeful stage... the denial & bargaining stages are over. She knows that he's at least curious about some one else cuz he admitted it though he still insists the divorce is unrelated to that. He tells me that the timing is just a coincidence. I don't know if she suspects me. Glad she doesn't know how to find me.

Really, really appreciate that he does know how.

We also appreciate that e-mail exists & that we have the same cell phone company. If we didn't, our calls would cost more than his lawyer.

May you have the opportunity to smile so much your face hurts, laugh so much your belly aches, and ..... that you find some one whose presence fills your life with radiance & joy.

Take care,
Pete

2007-10-13T18:40:00.000-05:00

Dandelions.

I have many in my yard right now. I've been pulling them this weekend. It rained, so their usually stubborn taproots are coming out. I mentioned pulling them to FBE.

Then I remembered that I have told men in the past that they are the perfect symbold of love. And that if they truly loved me that they would get over the standard acceptable gifts & flowers & they would be brave enough to give me dandelions... plus if they pulled them from my yard, it would certainly be helpful to my landscaping attempts.

When asked to explain why they are symbolic of true love, this is what I say:

They are adaptable. They are indestructible. Yes, when picked/abused the blossoms can wilt very quickly, just like the giddiness of "in love", but the underlying plant continues to grow anyway. The tap root runs deep into the core of the earth. Like love's roots go deep into our core. The blossoms are full of light & are happy looking. Love makes us shine & be happy. The seed heads allow us to have fun & be silly when blowing them. Love spreads like the seeds when joy is present. Meanwhile, the leaves can give you sustenance when you are hungry & from the plant you can also get a tea full of vitamin c & supposedly also a wine. Love can get us through hardships. It's a versatile little plant. And love should be too. It's a good plant to have at your side, just like love.

But I still don't want them in my yard, or my salad.
FBE told his wife that he wants a divorce. She's not happy. She wants time to work things out. He says he's telling her no. He's given it time over & over again & he is done. She has asked if there is some one else twice now. The first time last week he said, No, that's not why he's getting a divorce, but that he's not going to sit around once the divorce is final. I told him that he basically told her with that "but" part that there actually is someone in the wings waiting. The second time which was today he said, Maybe, he doesn't know for certain yet. When asked if he had feelings for some one else, he said, Maybe, he wasn't sure what there was. But that he decided on the divorce before the maybe came around.

Meanwhile... the maybe on my side is dissipating fast. From what he says to me, its dissipating fast on his side too, but since he wanted the divorce before Labor Day weekend, then she needs to know that the divorce is about her & him... not me & him. I agree that everything would be messier if she thinks there is a him & me. I wish that he hadn't admitted to her that a "maybe" exists for that reason, but I really like his honesty.

And though we talk a lot (about 15 hours worth) & e-mail a lot (around 100), & we are tempted to wonder if we have something that will survive & last... there are things we won't know until we actually spend physical time with each other. & I don't mean time being physical sexually, but I do mean being near pheromes. PLUS, watching each other move, our facial expressions, the way we act around each other in public, seeing what ticks us off. Do we get road rage, just annoyed, or go with the flow? Do we walk with pride, self loathing or arrogance? Talking on the phone, helps some, but it's not the same. ...but I now love cell phones & really appreciate that we have the same company so all of our minutes/hours are FREE.

I wonder if he still wears Brut. I've thought of him everytime I've smelled it during the last 25 years... even when my husband wore it. I don't associate the smell with the ex. I associate it with FBE; it is his face & body I remember when I smell it. NO, I don't know what 1/2 of his body looks like. I've only seen him shirtless. He never even wore summer shorts in my presence.... but I can imagine.

Uh, time to stop this nonsense.

May you enjoy the company of those you come into contact with physically, emotionally or electronically.

Take care,

Pete

2007-10-07T19:46:00.000-05:00

Totally insane. Really stupid. Foolish.

These are words to describe myself.

Here's one more. Smitten.

FBE files for divorce this week. He & his family have a hard week ahead of them. Prayers for them, please.

We've exchanged way too many e-mails this week. From me some were information on forgiveness & staying married & forgiveness of his wife, & asking for her forgiveness. Some were advice on getting a divorce & finding a place to live. Some were requests on making certain he really wants the divorce & has no reservations, and about doing what's right for the kids. From him were insistances that he would be getting the divorce despite our contact, that it is right for the kids, that he's working on the to do list to help the divorce run more smoothly. Some were about his changing jobs.

Some were about the co-worker woman calling me Satan on Monday.

Some were about just how our days were going.

We also talked on the phone again. It feels good to laugh & talk, and be serious and silly. It just feels good.

I've talked to all of my mentoring friends in the local area. They are full of caution, but I already know the advice they are giving. I just don't seem to be following it. I've told FBE about their advice & that I agree with it. I should stay away from him & he should stay away from me until the dust settles around his emotions. I've told him that I do not want his kids, wife, him or me to see me as "the other woman" in any way. Well, I feel like it kind of anyway.

I was doing well at being platonic until his wife ticked him off last Sunday & he almost moved out that day. Since then his plan has changed to encouraging her to move out, since the two oldest kids don't want to live with her at all. The youngest doesn't know yet. Nor does the wife, even though he's told her that he's "not living this way any longer" and I guess she saw him pack up last Sunday.

Also since then we've exchanged e-mails about him coming up to visit. Originally it was a platonic visit with him & his wife or son. Now it's just he & I. It will be in about a month. How it goes will depend a lot on if he really does file & one of them really does move out. Most of my friends doubt we will still be platonic come the end of his visit. I'm beginning to think they are right.

During church today I could imagine him sitting beside me, holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, taking communion, singing praise to God, and praying. I told FBE that I prayed that he & I wouldn't betray God in our actions. I've not heard back on that e-mail yet.

The computer he has been using belongs to his old job. This week he's planting wheat for a friend or relative, meeting with the lawyer, maybe moving himself or his wife out, and then he starts his new job next week.

He has a lot going on in his life & I know I shouldn't be a part of it. But I feel drawn to him. It is very different than what I felt for Flirty even at my most head over heels. I know that I got to know Flirty better. But I never felt like I knew him. He always kept his life private, and separate. FBE tells me what's going on & makes me included in his life.

When I first dated FBE, he hardly ever told me anything & since he was in the military, stationed far away, there are many things we never knew about each other. We never had a fight, so I've never seen him angry. He likes to cook, he sings for his church's praise team, he rides for the Patriot Guard. He says flirty things, but he means them. I know those are surface type things, but they reflect him.

Flirty & I are just friends. Truly. It is amazing how my knowing about his wife changed everything. Here's a funny thing. Flirty & FBE have first names that are only one letter different, & their wives names are almost the same too. Ain't that an odd one.

Time to do something else.

Inspired by church, and not this missive: May you have the courage to give forgiveness and ask for forgiveness in your life.

Take care,
Pete

2007-10-04T20:41:00.000-05:00

Imagine a day where you walk into work after singing along to a CD of the Christmas cantata your choir is learning, see some one with whom there have been uncomfortable moments, but you decide to greet her pleasantly anyway. Imagine the person says to you, "I rebuke you, Satan, in the name of Jesus Christ." Thus started my work week. I did reply, after I picked my jaw up off the floor, "I will continue to pray for you, anyway." This received the reply of, "Pray for yourself, " which I can easily do cause I've been praying that things between her & me (yes it's grammatically correct because of the preposition) would improve. Now they really need to improve, and I am a selfish Christian who knows she needs lots of help from the whole Trinity.

Yes, it was the woman that called security on me & the senior. I told the Vice Principal who was involved that day. She was flabbergasted. She took me to the Principal. He too could not believe it. He suggested that there be a meeting between me & the woman. I sort of consented, but then later sent an e-mail telling him that it had been bad enough working around her after being called a racist liar this summer, but that I really didn't want to be in a room with some one who used my religion's worst insult to describe me. I told him that my only conflict with the woman is that she is insulting to me, and that she waits for when there are no witnesses to be her most insulting. And it concerned me that contact with administration just seemed to make the situation worse. I told him I would do my best to either have some one with me, or not be in her presence. He consented & replied that he would talk to her alone.

Flirty told me to talk to the union, & the EEOC. I don't belong to the union, & I don't really know what the EEOC could do. She's not a boss. She claims to be Christian just as I do. Yes, it has created a hostile environment. Flirty said that if I would keep my distance from him, since she hates his guts too, that she wouldn't be so vicious to me. I told him that I wasn't going to bullied away from a friend by any one, except Flirty's wife.

______________________

Meanwhile.... FBE called me Saturday, as I told you. Sunday at church his wife went to the front of the church & asked for prayers for him & her since their marriage wasn't doing well. She didn't warn him. She didn't invite him. But then he was called up front to be with her. Then she had the audacity to ask him if he is a Christian. Somewhere along there, he said to her that he would talk to her at home and left. Sometime during Sunday they talked more, but also sometime on that day he packed up some bags & was about to just leave, when he realized he had no where to go.

Now I will admit, that calling me could seem like a version of betraying his wedding vows. I will even admit that some of the conversation was not appropriate for a married man to have with another woman. But it wasn't like he professed his love, or we talked dirty sex or anything at all remotely like that. It was flirty, but not like Flirty does it. When Flirty flirts, everyone knows it's just fun, even though there were times with me when it went deeper. When FBE flirts, it has meaning to it.

So Monday, I gave FBE a to do list to get his finances safe & set, gave him a lead on how to find a place to move to... my Mom's rental agency, etc. etc.. And then I warned him that as much as he wants his freedom & was burning with anger, and can't wait to actually have figured out how to leave, that he will find a time when he will cry harder than he ever imagined possible. And if he doesn't, I will wonder if he has a soul.

He said he had already started the to do list... of course it was the second time I told him about many of the items he needed to do.

& NO, I didn't give the advice as a "plotting to break up his marriage" type woman. I gave him the advice cuz there is a lot to remember to do, and I've told other friends the same advice... of course all of the other friends were women with abusive husbands.

When I finally heard of what made him so mad on Sunday, I even said to him that it was rather ironic that his wife asking for prayers for his marriage, and giving him the opportunity to confirm & testify to his faith were the straws that were breaking the wedding rings' back. I also told him that this seemed to be answered prayer... just not the answer he wanted. But I admitted I wasn't there to witness her sincerity. I wasn't there for the previous 18 years, nor the last 4 years, nor for any of their counseling sessions, or the the conversations they had after church on Sunday. So my input was from a perspective 200 miles away. I suggested he go talk with the pastor again, since the pastor was way more in the loop than I was.

This week FBE & I have exchanged several e-mails every day. He has pretty much decided to come visit in about a month for a biker's event in town. He has told his wife that it is actually in a nearby town. I wonder if she sees through the lie. I originally invited him thinking they would come together... cuz he was just a friend. I told him at one point in the week that I didn't care anymore if she came. Furthermore though I was tempted to suggest that he invite his son to come along to chaperone, that I really don't want a chaperone. I want us to be able to speak freely. I did tell FBE that because my kids will be at their dad's that their bedrooms will be open for use. I also point blank asked him if he was going to have filed for divorce before he comes & if he will have moved out before he comes. He states that he will have, but that he is not getting the divorce because of me.

We will see.

FBE was an honorable young man. Always the gentleman. Never lied to me. I trust him to be an honorable man and that he still doesn't lie, except that now I know he lied to his wife at least once. Now granted if he really does file, and move out, then it won't matter where he is on any given day, unless it's time for him to have custody of his children.

He told me what his older kids plans are for custody issues, because they've known where he is for quite awhile.... but his youngest is 10. I told him to talk the older kids into putting off their preferences (not with Mom) until the littlest has time to adjust. If she goes from a family unit to just her & one parent...well it will wipe out most kids.

FBE wrote that it sounded like I had old feelings returning. I assured him that all feelings are new, & he doesn't want the emotions of the 17 (almost 18)-year old who left him. So then he asked what the new ones are. So for you nosey friends: concern, worry, curiosity, "wow, a man is interested in me" " & " he's still good lookin," & " RUN, HE IS STILL MARRIED."

But I'm reorganizing my very multi-tasking room anyway, because you see my daughter's at college & I have an extra room now. So ... do you believe that one? Well I have been thinking about how to reorganize since last spring, whether you believe that's why I'm doing it or not.

And with some thoughts like these, maybe I do have a touch of the devil in me after all.

Ah, a prayer for tonight that is universal?

May we all find a comfortable balance between our morals & curiosities & desires that won't leave us with regrets.

Take care,
Pete

2007-09-30T20:07:00.001-05:00

My daughter called. She had to take a computer personality test at school and then call up people who know her to see if they agreed with the results or not & why. It mostly pegged her right on, but it makes me wonder what categories were available to plug her into. It reminded me of two personality tests I've done recently for online dating/matching services. I didn't sign up to use their results... besides a 7 day trial. I have kept just the version where I read what they wrote & decide for myself, but I 'm not having any success there. Perhaps I should listen to their analysis, but... Well, read on.

I have a 7 day trial with "true.com." The system there asks you questions & then they try to describe you from that. I think they screwed up some. But I'm going to post what they think they know about me in a pretty color & then make my comments in black about what they've got right & wrong.

As a Shining Star, you’re a perfect party guest and a great friend – people love having you around!. You know that life is good, and that feeling is contagious! I so feel out of my realm at parties. I never feel like I belong. I like the ideas of parties, but I don't fit in well once I'm there. Yes life is good, but I don't know that I get others to feel it.

You believe that everyone should be in charge of their own destiny. Indeed, well except that God is. You’d rather enjoy life as it comes and make decisions as they’re needed. Why waste time worrying? I make decisions all the time, long before I know if I need them. I worry, even though I keep telling myself that God will help me through & that I'm not to worry, cuz as the Bible says, tomorrow will have enough worries/concerns of its own. Life on the edge keeps you sharp. Life on the edge makes me shake & quiver with panic. Sometimes this lack of organization brings unexpected surprises, but you’re able to manage. You don’t always finish everything that you start, because you’re willing to re-evaluate as you go, and if something isn’t holding your attention, then you’ll question whether it’s worth doing. This part is true. I've many half done things around here, which leads to some disorganization. I'm not a messy person. I like a clean life, but I really do need to iron & put away clothes & clean paper work off the kitchen table, but doing this blog is more fun. Don't know that either are really worth doing.

And besides, you love excitement. If it’s new and different, it’s probably something you’d like to try. But while you love trying something new, you don’t have much problem resisting temptation. You know where your boundaries are. Mostly accurate. I have serious trouble resisting chocolate & ice cream. I love excitement, but I live a very boring life because I can't afford the fun new & different things.

You’re strong-minded. In my family we call it stubborn. You are comfortable in your view of the world. You’re not easily swayed by outside influences – you stick to your convictions. You have a clear-cut sense of right and wrong and you’re determined to see the right thing done. Very true.

You’re highly sociable and always willing to make new friends. However, sometimes you can be cautious of new people until they’ve proven themselves to be trustworthy. If someone does manage to put something over on you, it won’t happen twice. You’ll just be doubly careful the next time. I'm cautious of new students & wierd men, all others I trust too much. & I am leary of those who done me wrong, usually...There are a few really bad exceptions that I should have learned from.

People probably describe you as outgoing, friendly and personable. And because of your carefree approach to and easygoing attitude about life, your friends enjoy spending time with you. You’re a tactful, kind friend. You’re tuned in to the feelings of those around you, and that makes your friends feel valued. They likely see you as entirely charming. I hope this is true, but I see myself seeking them out more than I see them seeking me out.

When you’re out with your friends, the spotlight’s on you! No party is complete ‘til you’re there, and your friends look to you for guidance on a good time. Weekends are filled with hobbies, activities and socializing. You’re constantly on the go. I can tell you that the spotlight is not on me & the parties... oh so few I've ever attended seem to do just fine w/o me. Since I'm usually one of the first guests to arrive I often help make the party complete by helping finish the setting up. NO, I don't arrive early. The invitation says 7; I'm there at 7. It says 9 pm; I probably don't even go cuz of my early awakening.

Every other weekend I try to find a friend with whom to do something. But socialize? I wish. Sometimes a group of work friends go dancing, but other times the best I can talk some one into is ice cream in front of the tv. Hobbies? Do grading papers, blogging & yard work count? Constantly on the go? Would I be doing a 2nd blog in a day, or 3 in 2 days if I were on the go? Please, let me be "on the go." No, I don't go alone. It is not fun alone.

Overall, emotionally, you’re even-keeled. You love your life and its endless possibilities. You probably feel how your friends and family genuinely care about you. You tend to be pretty happy with your career. You’re slow to anger, quick to smile and you’re generally upbeat. The bright side is the right side as far as you’re concerned. Well, you read the blog. Am I even-keeled? Life feels rather roller-coasterish & full of stupidity to me. Slow to anger? No. Rarely angered? Yes. But once I've found anger in a day, don't expect it to dissipate soon. & I'll splash it all over the innocent bystanders too, so watch out. Yes, psychologists call it displacement. I can do it very well, so I usually warn the world that I'm angry & that I'll yell at them, too, unless they give me some space & pampering.

As a Counselor, you tune in when people talk to you about their problems. Your gift is that you can understand how others are feeling and picture yourself in the same situation. Because of that, people like to confide in you. By golly, they got this part right. I have way too much empathy, & I so over connect, that I forget to shut up & listen sometimes.

But this great listening skill doesn’t mean that people can push you around. You’re able to address relationship issues without being overly aggressive. However, when it comes to the personal stuff, you prefer to work through your issues in private and want others to respect your privacy, too. Ok, here's splitting some hairs. I have a hard time talking about relationship stuff, but I can write it way too easily. I was raised to not cry. I was raised to solve my own problems. My parents never knew anything about my personal life. But now... well, if you call putting all my emotional crap on a blog that could be seen by millions keeping it private, I suppose there could be truth to this. Heck, I tell strangers the truth when they ask, "How are you?" so I doubt this privacy stuff is true.

You’re not afraid to meet a challenge to your opinions head-on, even if it raises your intensity level. However, your outrageous sense of humor usually helps you lighten things up before a situation gets out of hand. Oh, I have lots of fear, but I am learning to do it anyway. Thus I'll be lucky if my contract is renewed for next year.

& that last line? The ex thought I had no sense of humor & he begged me to use humor when he was going ballistic to help "lighten things up before they got out of hand." Heck, my sense of humor sometimes is what sent him ballistic, 'cuz he so didn't get my humor. Most folks call my humor "dry," and I quite honestly don't know what that means. Some one please point out a comedian, or show that is dry, so I'll understand.

To become an even better communicator, experiment with revealing more of your thoughts and feelings to trusted friends. This openness will increase trust on both sides and improve your relationships. I've been doing this.

As a Lover, you believe that love conquers all, and live life accordingly. When Lovers fall in love, nothing is halfway – all energies go to making that relationship the most wonderful in the world! Roses, candlelight, gifts – no romantic gesture is too large or too small. They give their hearts easily, they share easily, they trust easily. And it’s easy for people to love Lovers, because they give and receive affection so well. A relationship with a Lover is a journey worth taking. Full steam ahead!

I might do some of these things once in awhile, but ... well it's been a long time since I felt love, so I don't know if I really will do this. I do give my heart too easily, & I trust too easily.

As a Great Catch, you’re just made to be in a committed relationship! Great Catches want to find their one special someone, and they actively look until they find that person. Well, I have gone dancing. I have checked out two online matchmaking companies. I did date a lot in college. When they do, settling in is easy! Great Catches love the comfort and contentedness of being part of a couple. They love the idea of having that one person to share their days with – it makes them feel fulfilled! I almost want to puke; it reminds me of that line in Jerry Maguire about being completed. Yes, it would be nice to fill the lonely times with some one, but in general I usually feel rather fulfilled anyway. I would like some one to talk to besides the dog. Some one to hold hands with, & though I rarely initiated sex in 17 years of marriage, I have noticed its absence in these past 2 years + 2 months, so....

They’re ready to go the distance to make the relationship thrive. When problems arise, they tend to dive in right away to repair them. They know that even the best twosomes can hit a bump now and then, but those hiccups can be overcome with some effort and time. For Great Catches, the rewards are worth the work. With this in mind, Great Catches are ready to commit for a lifetime! Oh, lord. I went 17 years with a crappy marriage trying to be what he wanted me to be to "fix" our marriage. I don't know that this is a strength. I think perhaps this is a stupid hole in my brain. And I really don't want to share a house, or a bank account ever again. So I don't know how much of a life time commitment there is if I don't want to live with anyone ever again. Visit regularly for a several days...Ok. LIVE with, nah, don't see it happening.

Ok. So that's that. Count most of the black ink as reasons why I'm only giving them the 7-day trial.

I've got match.com paid for & checked out their "chemistry.com" but didn't like it's prices. But I got chemistry's results. Didn't steal their definitions though. They say I'm :

28% Explorer

29% Builder

21% Negotiator

20% Director

Even with out the definitions to critique here, I think they know me better than true.com does. But their program doesn't see that all of the numbers are actually rather close & that Builder truly doesn't dominate Explorer. Not even Negotiator & Explorer are all that far apart. So their premise that one part is DOMINANT is actually the whim of my hormones & basic mood of that day or my setting.

Then there are the horoscope folks. I'm a leo... hear me roar. One web site has this to say:

Generous and warmhearted

Creative and enthusiastic

Broad-minded and expansive

Faithful and loving
On the dark side....

Pompous and patronizing

Bossy and interfering

Dogmatic and intolerant

Notice that I'm broad minded, expansive & loving yet dogmatic & intolerant.

Let's try again: They are ambitious, courageous, dominant, strong willed, positive, independent, self-confident there is no such a word as doubt in their vocabularies, and they are self-controlled. If I were all these things, I would go be more social on my own instead of dragging friends with me. If I were these things, I would not have stayed in a shitty marriage.

Leos are powers for good, for they are strongly idealistic, humane, and beneficent. They have powerful intelligence and are of a broad philosophical, sometimes religious, turn of mind. Ok, something right here... esp. that intelligence part... remember I'm pompous. ;)

Leos have a passion for luxury, a lust for power, unlimited sexual lust, and emotional indulgence, and a character emerges that no one would want to know either in public life or private. This is so not me. I am so anti luxury, so anti-power hungry & so out of touch with sex, that the rest of it must be garbage too, right?

Well the computer freaked out for a moment there, so that must be sign to quit lifting words from other sites. It is plagiarism after all. I was going to acknowledge the site, but now I think I'll not risk this evaporating again. I like the autosave very much right now. Let's just say I googled Leo zodiac & took it from one of the first 5 sites that came up. If I google it again... it might not be in the same order. I could be like my students & say that google.com was my source, but since I give them a 0 on those entries, I won't.

Time to go read a book, or e-mail FBE, or some do something else stupid.

May you be able to know yourself well enough to not need the internet to define who you are.

Take care,

Pete

2007-09-30T13:42:00.000-05:00

Once again I am here to testify that there is a Lord & He is good.

I screwed up on my finances. I spent more than I earned. I had no idea how to pay 900$ of my bills. No idea. Then a check from a credit card company came. It was a sort of solution...I would pay a lower interest than keeping the debt on the card. But you see I usually don't pay any interest. I wrote the check & was going to mail it tomorrow.

In the mail I got today, I got another credit card check from the same company that sent the first check, but this check is for 0% interest for 18 months. Plus since I have rewards card on that account, I could pay off what is already on the credit card offering the 0%... without the rewards I would be short the amount needed. With that current balance paid off, when the new check for 0% gets to them, I won't have a balance earning interest while they apply my payments to the 0%.

Ok, so I screwed up. Yes, I had to sweat it out as a consequence. But God brought me a solution.
There is a God. Makes me wish I had some money to tithe with this morning. The church & I disagree by the way on tithing. They think the tithe should go to them in cash. I think that when I give a meal to a student or a bag of goodies to a homeless man on the corner, then I am paying towards my tithe.

Now I know some atheist somewhere is saying that these credit card companies send these stupid annoying checks all of the time. This is true, but they are usually charging some kind of interest, albeit lower than the standard. This is for 0% for 18 months. A very important 18 months for me. You see, my being a department chair, and a class sponsor & a debate coach don't show up on monthly checks. Half of the year's payment for chair & sponsor show up in February & the other half in July or August. The February payment helps me pay for Christmas & the floating of real estate taxes that are due in December & May, but I do creative financing to get through. Remember I have not owed nor paid interest, but I have paid some 3% transaction fees along the way. Any way the debate coach pay, which I don't know when it will be paid, should make me debt free, except for my mortgage. This does of course assume I don't screw up again & that I continue to pay down my debts at my current rate.

The Lord is good. He knows my needs before I do.

In a way I see this financial help I keep getting at just the right time as a continuation of his confirming that the divorce was ok with him. Ok, now the right wingers are ticked off cuz God hates divorce...to you I say: read older posts & catch up on why I know it was OK.
____________
I have put off telling you about other issues that God has shown his hand in. Now seems like a good time.

There is a woman at work who berated me & told me I could not call her by her first name, though I had greeted her as such for about 6 months. This confrontation happened in July. At the time she called me a racist liar & a sleeping clueless teacher. Her office is now near Flirty's. I have spent time in their shared waiting room space supervising kids during my lunch. One day only the senior student who always visits Flirty at lunch was there with me. Flirty was no where to be seen at that time. We were looking at college brochures & talking about them. This woman had a problem with us being in that space. I ended up telling her that as a paid instructor on the staff I could spend my lunch and planning period any where I wanted & that I was supervising the student in this cooler place since my room had no air conditioning. Flirty suggested that I inform administration of the two confrontations. I put it off for a few days, but did so.

So, the student & I are at Flirty's for lunch one day 1 week after I e-mailed administration about the confrontations. He gets a call that a parent is coming in to talk, so the student & I move to the waiting area to give them privacy. The woman comes in & starts into her confrontational mode again. She goes & gets security. Security sees that another teacher is involved. He takes us to the Vice Principal that I sent the e-mail to. She sees who is coming in & shoos her current problem children far away. Then the VP goes into the Principal's office for about 5 minutes. He comes in and lets the confrontational woman talk first. She tells him that this student thinks he is special & should get to stay out of the cafeteria when the rule is that all students must go to the cafeteria. She does a lot of telling the Principal what I think & assume.

When she paused, I informed her that she should not assume that she knows what I think or why I do what I do. I will speak for myself. (When I tell friends of my saying this, they applaud me.)

When it was my turn, I told the principal that students all over the building do not go to lunch due to social, monetary & food reasons. We teachers adopt them & feed them & mentor them. This student was adopted by Flirty & I the previous year, and he had been one of the inspirations for the chess tournament since we had taught kids chess last year at lunchtime. I explained how the kid had been homeless & ready to drop out, but was now trying to be enough of a student to go to college.

Here comes the God part.

The principal agreed that this student is special. He does get to break the rule & doesn't have to go to the cafeteria, as long as he is with Flirty or me. The principal even said he wanted to help this student get clothes that fit. The senior is a LARGE boy/man & his current clothes are old & don't fit well. The kid had been noticed by the the principal & the principal had been trying to figure out how to help the kid. Now he knew two conduits to the kid... Flirty & me.

Another God part, which I may have shared before. The day before us teachers had to report for work in August, I asked my church to pray for me & the woman. I wanted to know how to interact with her appropriately. Her office used to be beside my classroom, & I had the students with whom she primarily worked. When I got to school on that Monday, I discovered that her office was not near mine, AND I now worked with Flirty's students & not hers. God knew my needs before I prayed & had a solution ready the day I needed it. There was only one glitch. I was to move into her old room & she hadn't surrendered the key, yet. She had to do that in front of administration. Her whole body language was a cuss word, that was easily read by them. I on the other hand was very very civilized. She has tenure, so it will take a lot to fire her. Meanwhile I pray that God finds a way to let her know that her job needs more compassion than she shows to our students and staff.

__________________

New topic:
The FBE (first boyfriend ever) e-mailed me this past week that he is going to get the divorce. He assures me that it is not because of me, but a long time building up & he's just had it. He called yesterday. I knew the moment the phone rang it was him because I had just answered his e-mail. When we were done talking an hour later my face hurt from all the smiling & laughing. I really should run & run hard in the opposite direction, but I don't want to. I am curious about him. I do want to get to know him better again. I wish he were already divorced so I would feel guilt free about it & so I wouldn't feel like he was rebounding. Heck, after this Flirty thing this past week, I would like to make certain I'm not rebounding too. If you get curious about some one before you feel almost heartbroken over a different relationship, is it a rebound? I don't think so. It is really amazing timing though.

And by the way, the computer matching only created 3 almost close encounters the first week, and not even a nibble since. Almost 2 months of the 6 I paid for used up. I've exchanged more e-mails with a very steamy guy in New York, with whom I've almost nothing in common, than I have with any one I have things in common with. Somehow the NewYorker clicked on my name & saw my profile. So I clicked on his. I really like his pictures, so I have looked more than once. The program shows us who has looked at our pictures. Most of the men remain in the exact same order, but New York's keeps floating back to the front of the list. So I asked him why. He scans through the profiles in such away that he doesn't know whose picture will come up next, & then there I am on his screen, so he moves to the recent lookers on my screen. Then I think he's gorgeous, but probably a real snob, and gaze at him some more.

Got to haul the son to his dad's. So I'll stop.

May God be with you when you need him & when you don't know you do.
Take care,
Pete

2007-09-22T23:21:00.000-05:00

Follow up:

I sent Flirty an e-mail that redirects him to this site. To him I say: The "long version" is the one whose title has to do with getting home from dancing plus this one.

Today I still wanted to punch his lights out, & I was angry with myself for continuing to be an idiot, so I needed to vent or I was going to pig out. (Old habits such as emotional eating are hard to fight.) When I talked w/ another friend, she said, "don't you remember I told you he said one Friday that he was 'going home, putting his wife on the bike and headin out of town' ?" I had assured her that it had to be metaphorical, because he would have told me. He talks all the time about being honest, so I expected honesty. I knew/know his ladyfriend/wife was/is important to him, though he's never used her name & rarely mentions her, so his metaphorical wife made sense to me. I forgot the conversation.

I'd like to just say life was stressful with the start of school, meetings, Dad's stroke, Hannah going to college. So I forgot. I've studied enough psych to know there was probably lots of denial going on, too. But I would like to deny that it was. ;)

I'd like to give him the excuse of not wanting to add to my stress at the time. But I feel insulted by that excuse. We as a society tend to protect little children from reality, though I never did much of that with my own kids. We have two choices: We can tell them the truth. Or we can lie to them. I chose to speak the truth & to show them the truth. Yes, sometimes I can only say, "I don't know" and sometimes it is annoyingly still physically hard for me to talk when emotions are stressful. But I am a grown woman; I could have handled the truth.

I would have handled it a lot better than being lied to. When I was younger & delivering papers there was a song I sang as I walked the streets. "Who's trippin down the streets of the city, smilin at everybody she meets. Whose reaching out to capture a rainbow? everyone knows its (insert my real name). And I have stormy eyes that flash at the sound of lies..."

I am an optimist. I stupidly assume the best in people. I expect their honesty. Then I keep being reminded to be a cynic. Geez, if you can't trust your friends to be honest with you, who the heck can you trust?

So to boil it down, he told the two people that he knows I talk to about just about everything, but not me. He knew they'd let it go eventually, the chicken shit liar...

May your friends live up to the trust you place in them,
Take care,
Pete

2007-09-22T02:43:00.000-05:00

I got home from dancing around 1 am. I should be asleep. It's 2:44 am.

Flirty told me today that he has submitted his resignation & will be leaving in 5-6 weeks. Of course we didn't get to actually talk about it. We have only ever had 2 uninterrupted conversations, so what was new. He had to talk w/ a parent & then the other counselor decided to make her shit hit the fan. She, I & 2 students that visit Flirty were in front of security, a vice principal & then the principal. I've not even had a chance to tell him what went down with that.

So after school one of the ladies that goes dancing & I were getting ready to leave school. I know he & she talk... she was going to be the 3rd in the joking menage trois conversation... I wanted to process the resignation with her, but I don't have permission to share that information. When she noticed my mood she asked. I only said that Flirty & I had started a conversation that I couldn't share. She said she knew already. I gave a surprised look... a "prove it" look.

She said, "He's married."

He evidently got married this summer. According to her, he didn't tell me, because he values my friendship & was afraid he'd lose it. She had encouraged him to tell me quickly because she knows where I am emotionally (maybe better than I do.), but had agreed to let him tell me & to keep his secret. She didn't mean to tell me. She saw the look on my face & knew instantly that wasn't my secret... & so she knows of his resignation, too. She cussed. She was mad because she had told him it would be hard for her to keep the secret since she & I talk so much. But it has been a month now that she's known.

I am mad. I want to go yell at him. He's says we're friends, but he doesn't tell me he's engaged or married. I told him that I needed to keep distance for awhile, & he told me that is unacceptable. He tells me that if his situation were different, ours would be too. But he doesn't tell me that his situation is that he is MARRIED. Damn him. He's always telling me to just "spit it out" when I have something hard to talk about. But does he do it? NO. The chicken shit.

I have always tried to respect his need for privacy. I have always tried to respect his relationship with his "lady friend." Didn't pry, kept my emotional crap out of his picture as much as I could, cuz it's my problem. He told me where he stood. I never quite new exactly where I stood, & I told him so. I have never felt the words "in love" fit my feelings. Yes, I care for him. Yes, I am attracted & even infatuated. I've even thought that he is one of those guys that likes to have his cake at home, & look at the ice cream at work. As long as he has his cake, I wasn't going to let him actually taste the ice cream. I assumed the ice cream would melt away eventually... and get on with her (my) own romantic life. But I wouldn't have minded if he preferred ice cream to cake.

I wanted him as a friend, Ok, I wouldn't have minded some benefits. I felt there was something I was to learn from him at the least... Celestine Prophecy style. I know I have. I know he's helped me gain new perspectives on myself. I even invited him to bring her to my August party. But they didn't come... probably on their honeymoon. & Not even a "sorry, can't make it because..." I think I even told him to bring her to church on biker's Sunday with him. I know I was going to, just can't remember how I worded the e-mail. God knows our conversations are interrupted.

I had that stupid dream. That real dream. The dream that matched his house. I thought it was meaningful. I don't understand. It doesn't fit the pattern of my life with dreams. Before I knew that it matched his house, I was willing for it to just be emotional crap dream. When I learned he hadn't installed the hard wood floor & area rug, but had plans to, I just assumed that meant I had to wait. Ok, that was fine because things weren't right for us to have that scene, yet anyway.

I've felt an uneasiness coming from him. I've seen him thinking about talking about something, & wondered. I've even asked. He said it was just work issues, but I doubted that was the whole truth, because he talks about those. But I didn't push it. I figure people tell you when they trust you. Guess he doesn't trust me. He better damn sure trust her. Wonder if he trusted her with the truth about what all he's said to me.

"It's in the past; leave it alone," is his motto. Of course once he retires, I'm history. You see, I still don't know how to contact him except to go to his office or use work e-mail. So there won't be any contact. So why bring me up at all...No reason at all, it was February when he was interested in me, using that perspective, that was history before March even came around.

Guess that means in 5-6 weeks that our friendship that he "values" will be over then anyway, if I don't punch his lights out on Monday for being a liar.

I can tolerate lots, but lies have never set well with me. & I'm seeing a lot of lies right now. He claims not to lie, but he admits that sometimes he exaggerates or leaves out a few details. I guess marriage is just a detail. I wonder what the Mrs. thinks of that.

Stupid me I forgot the detail of asking just what the hell "a soft spot in his heart" meant. I thought soft spots faded away with love fit for marriage to some one else. As much of a jerk as the ex ended up being, I never had "soft spots" for any one else. I loved the bastard. I had one curiosity that lasted less than 2 weeks the year before I decided to divorce him for being an asshole. No soft spots. So if he had soft spots, then he & she were a good enough relationship that he was willing to work on, but not permanent.

I never thought he & I would work out as permanent. A few years maybe of seeing lots of each other, but not truly cohabitating. We are different in some important ways. I was willing to see if I was wrong, since I didn't think God would give me a dream for just an affair, but....God has let people behave in ways that are far from moral & yet stay in his good graces. King David, for example. It did puzzle me, but I trusted my dreams, & I trust God.

I've been praying that God's will be done in this Flirty situation. Now, I'm going to have to pray for His blessing on their marriage. It's going to need it, since Flirty is not proud enough of his decision to trust telling the world about it... let alone a "valued friend" he "doesn't want to lose."

It's 4:05 now. I hope that I can sleep. I don't want to stay up longer explaining the other counselor's shit & the principal issue too. It did have a good ending. It was just irritating.

Tonight the prayer's for my emotional acceptance & for Flirty's marriage instead of you all. Sorry folks.

Take care.

2007-09-12T20:30:00.000-05:00

The continuing hilarities of my life ?

Let's do the man thing first. First boyfriend ever (FBE) & I have sent way too many e-mails back & forth these past few days. And they have been very personal, but not flirty. Heck, I gave him marital advice (like a divorced woman knows something?) and some divorce advice too. We have bared our old souls. We have shared bits about our current souls, which has included that he wishes he hadn't let me go 25 years ago. Like I would have let him catch me 25 years ago ? I wouldn't have. He says all he wants is to just be friends. He is married & he'll honor that commitment, but it he weren't married...he'd come check me out. I personally think he needs to sort past from present out a bit more. I want to believe this "just friends" thing, but I don't completely believe it. I know how to do just friends from my end. It has been a wierd couple of days sorting out the variety of feelings: "it's cool to reconnect" & "it's awesome to get that apology done" & "dang, I once loved this person very much" & "wow, a man thinks I'm attractive mentally & physically." But I think I have done it. I think he still has some sorting out to do. I think I can be a "normal" human being again.

& I have no desire to have the "what about when he becomes divorced?" conversation with him or with me or with you. I don't know the man well enough to even begin to answer that. If he were the same boy of 25 years ago. NO. If I were the same girl as 25 years ago? Hell, no. But we have changed, but I don't know how he's changed. Except he's a Christain now, & he sings solos at church. I never knew he could sing or liked to sing, & I never heard him mention God. Remember I met him when I was 12 or 13, wrote him daily & mailed weekly starting around the time I was 14... he was in the Army. I received much shorter letters from him around twice a week. He agreed to start dating me when I was 16. I proposed to him. He accepted. Then I broke up with him months before I turned 18 & left for college. Oddly enough, I think I know him better now after just a few days than I did when I was 17. He wasn't much of a communicator then & is much better at it now. But quite frankly, though he is more attractive to me now than he was 25 years ago, I think I'd still say, No. But at the same time, I do look forward to getting to know him better again.

Sometimes though I think I should just have a one night stand with a complete stranger. I'd be so guilt ridden though that I'd be even more screwed up... pun intended of course. Wonder if I can find an aquaintance or friends with benefits relationship with a single attractive man.

Have I told you all that I signed up with Match.com? Yup. I've been viewed around 160 times. But few men respond to my e-mails or winks, & even fewer initiate contact. I might just get the 6 months free guarantee at this rate of return. 160 views is a boost to my ego, but the number of actual contacts in ratio to that is quite depressing. But all of the views are counted, including repeat gazers. There are some gorgeous men on match.com. One awesome hunk from NewYork clicked on me first... I told him it was certainly a boost to my ego that he clicked on me & read my profile...& if he ever came out to the KC area, I wouldn't mind seeing him in person. I get better returns when I go dancing. Went dancing 6 times, danced with around 5 men. Got groped once, got 1 phone number & was asked for my number once. So one pervert, one dweeb & one guy I just needed to get to know better before sharing my data with him. We "girls" are going dancing again next Friday. I am already trying to figure out what to wear.

Originally I was going to share some of the crap in my life, but I'm tired of typing, so I'll spare you all.

Take care,
Pete

2007-09-09T21:44:00.001-05:00

Hey folks,

Dad is back in the nursing home. Doing better, but far from recovered. It will be awhile for he's up to what ever his full speed is going to be now. He's still thinking & trying, but he is frustrated. He can't move himself from bed to wheelchair or vice versa. He can't take himself to the bathroom. He is frustrated. Today I told him that I love him, and that he was a great dad. Ok, so that contradicts some things I've written before. But truth is he was a better dad than most dads I've met. He tried to do the right thing & hey, the brother & I turned out ok.

Ok, so when I tried to contact & see the brother this weekend, it didn't happen. Only he knows why.

I did talk some one this weekend that I've needed to talk to for 25 years. The first boyfriend ever. Wow. Was it awkward at first? Hell yes, for me. But then he was so friendly, we ended up talking for about 2 hours. He is married, but he's been tempted for a few years to give it up. I told him how I figured out I was praying the wrong prayer during my marriage. I had prayed for a better marriage instead of a good or great one. ... And better & good are two different things. I told him that God has a sense of humor too... When I was a scared stupid little girl, I was afraid of living in a trailer house, working at a greasy spoon, having a father in law that was an alcoholic (he caught on to what I was saying about then) and having a house full of snot-nosed brats before I was 24. Told him I graduated from college, bought a trailer house worked at Wendy's & Mc Donald's at the same time; ended up working at a Wal-Mart where I fell in love w/ a guy from the automotive department. Had a wedding ring on only to discover that I had a dry alcoholic father in law & a baby on the way. I ended up running a home daycare by the time I was 26 & had the house full of snot-nosed brats. He "got it." But with the audience we had, I never said, "I'm sorry." so I just sent him an e-mail... I JUST got an e-mail back from him... just a second.

Ok. He just wrote Thanks for my time today & that he'll write tomorrow. Anyway the e-mail I wrote, said I was sorry I was such a jerk 25 years ago & that it took me so long to apologize. It feels good to have done that.

Any way. We talked about this & that, nows & thens. It was good.

And dang, he still has a body that makes me wonder what it looks like w/o the clothes. Can you imagine a couple being together for 2 years and never getting naked? Never having sex? Well that was us. Of course it helped that he was in Germany for 7 months, and stationed 100 miles away for the rest of the time. It also probably helped that he thought that I at 16 & 17 was just jailbait, and that my brother was his best friend in high school & that he knew my folks owned guns. There were a couple of times though when we were necking that the sexual tension just freaked me out & made me cry. He was very gentlemanly when that happened. Sad thing is, his body looks more like it did then, than mine does.

Glad I can at least report that I've lost another 5 pounds recently. Only 60 more to go to match that highschool weight. ... Hmmm. I think for now, I'll settle for reaching what I weighed before starting at this school... only 15 more pounds to go for that goal. If I only ever lose 40 more pounds total, I'll be ok with it, & I think my doctor would be ok with that too. Plus maybe I'll get to keep my boobs. I didn't really have any in highschool. I called the size Concave A; I won't tell you what first boyfriend ever said about their size... & yes, he did get to see them, we were humans after all, not saints.... memories like the corners of our minds....

Anyway.

I also got to see a classmate that moved away during junior high. He was the super smart guy in town. I beat him at a spelling bee in 5th grade. The word was Ado. he spelled adieu... which I had never even heard of at the time. He now works in Washington DC doing something regarding laws with agricultural chemicals. Helping them get ok'd, or something like that. I used to have a crush on him. When we went our separate ways after talking a while, Mom said to me, "So was he always so gay?" I reminded her that he moved away before I even knew what that meant, & he of course didn't come out to me in those few minutes we talked, but come to think of it, he did have gay mannerisms even way back then.

We joked about her "gay-dar" being fairly accurate on some other folks we know. Oddly enough avoiding mentioning one of the family's closest friends. For as old fashioned as she can be, she said that she has known some kids were gay long before they ever figured it out for themselves. As a teacher I know what she means. We can't believe that some folks believe that gay people choose to be gay.

Oh, my it's way past bedtime. How did that happen? It was an hour before bedtime when I turned this machine on.

Take care, and may you have the freedom that long needed conversations can give you.

2007-08-27T21:35:00.000-05:00

Today afterschool Flirty & I were walking out of the building at the same time. He said his day was so rough he could use a drink or 2. I said life wasn't quite that bad, but I could really use some chocolate ice cream. He said that chocolate would make me horny...or perhaps did I want to be horny? I told him that I wanted a cure for it. He thought that was quite a great answer.... made him laugh very loudly.

On the drive home I began anticipating a follow up conversation w/ him asking if I had found a cure yet. So I came up with these ideas about cures for the "dis-ease" of our conversation . I sent him this metaphorical follow up that is not for our usually interrupted... who might walk in anytime ?... interractions we call conversations. I think it's humorous enough that I'm considering it as copywrighted as of August 27, 2007 9:40 pm. I know that my personal comments about each cure would be edited by any other user of idea, but I still like it. & can't wait to see what his response will be.

Usual cures for a dis-ease include:

Build up an immunity with small repeated exposures to infecting agent to create natural antibodies. Tried that in spring... only caused dis-ease to increase & become more intense.

Avoidance of infecting agent. Tried that this summer & suggested trying it more this fall. Caused greater discomfort to both infecting agent & the afflicted. Infecting agent even called it "immature." Symptoms of "dis-ease" preferred by afflicted.

Vaccination...
injecting afflicted subject w/ "dead" version of infecting agent... Though injections sound useful for the cure.... not certain agent would like the "dead" part, nor would the afflicted.

OR

injecting afflicted subject with similar virus to build up immunities... Attempts to find similar enough virus have not been located or were not interested in being caught despite Computer generated matches & live interraction with the afflicted... the afflicted had some "allergic" rejection of samples found, too; others just didn't measure up.

Man made Antibiotics... ??? Might be needed if cure comes from unapproved medically unsound resource... I.e. the cure might cause more problems than it's worth.

Herbal remedies ??? Conflicting research: His said chocolate causes increase of symptoms, but my research indicated that in ice cream form it helped alleviate symptoms. Junior level research "knew" something about small hard-shelled chocolate candies, but data proved misleading decades ago.

Mechanical life support devices... no, thanks.

I asked if he had Any other cures he could provide/suggest ?

and then told him that he should be laughing by now.

So in case you can't tell: Out of sight out of mind plan didn't work well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder doesn't seem to have worked either. He noticed immediately that I was avoiding him... more than I thought I was avoiding him even. & he called me on it. I admitted it, and he did not like it. He says there is a soft spot in his heart for me, and he cherishes our friendship. (Just what I did not need to hear to get my mind off of him.) But yes, he still has a lady friend that he is honoring at this time.

A few days ago he & I and another woman walked out of the building at the same time. He made a flirty comment about what a fun menage' trois that would be with two of his favorite women. He couldn't remember the phrase; I said it for him. I also said, "Well, that would be one way to get rid of your lady friend." He heartily agreed she would not like it, & that it would indeed get rid of her in his life... might even endanger his life & well being.

Yes, I know that some of you women are thinking this is sexual harrassment. It would be if the other woman & I felt offended, but his tone, timing and personality just make it harmless fun to us.

At times I feel like his "other woman." Except the most contact we usually have had is his hand on my back as he holds a door open for me. In all of these months we've only had 2 full body hugs, no kisses, no handholding; a few arm around the shoulder hugs... oh & the one demonstration early last year of how easy it is to talk when riding behind him on a motorcycle when we were no where near the motorcycle. I know a couple of you are thinking he's a perv. You're wrong. He doesn't have a pervy presentation or demeanor. He's careful with whom he interacts.

I still refuse to call what I feel for him "love." (I admitted to him the other day that I don't have a word to describe my feelings for him. But that "just friends" was not satisfactory.)

Something is missing for the love word, besides the reciprocation, but that would help a lot. It does cause physical discomfort in my chest when I miss him, and no I didn't tell him this, but he can read it in my body language.

I still feel a magnetic pull to go see him & get to know him even better. I'm like that stupid moth to the flame who has already singed her wings. Hope I can keep enough sense around me to keep from becoming a crispy critter.

It's past bed time and I didn't even update you all on my dad. Let's just summarize it, cuz I really don't feel up to bawling my eyes out. Left side paralyzed for 10 years. Going deaf for about 3 years. Recent stroke paralyzed right side. He can move at the elbow enough to wipe his nose & mouth. He can barely talk... more about what's not happening in his throat than his mouth. A good lip reader could probably understand more than we did. He tried spelling by moving his index finger in the air, but since he started having trouble reading 10 years ago.... He managed to say "H2O" when we couldn't figure out he wanted water.

I could tell he did not want me to see him in the condition he is in. When Mom told me that a month ago he was walking (which I've not seen him do in at least 5 years), I asked him if he was going to find that "can do" attitude again. He told us, an emphatic yes. He also managed to stridently tell mom that she is not to say, "Goodbye." She can say, "see you later." They were both crying, and now I am too.

May you have a good day/night.

See you later,
Pete

2007-08-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, you know how we all get those surveys asking questions to answer so our friends can get to know us a little bit differently. Well, I got one, and thought I'd share my answers here, as well as annoying some of my friends by forwarding it, because I'm curious to see their answers.

If you could have had the starring role in one film already made, which movie would you pick? Hmm, how about Mona Lisa Smile, I get to be Julia Roberts' teacher character. Or the one where Katherine Hepburn is a researcher that kicks a computer's butt... or What is the name of that movie with Julia Stiles dancing hip hop & ballet? Erin Brockovich would be kind of cool too, then I'd have boobs & a figure as I did something good for the world... & Erin grew up in the town I live in currently.

If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so that you never had to do it again, what would it be? folding laundry The laundry closet is attached... not an everyday thing as it is, but close enough.

& let's get real. If we could just get rid of having to pee or poop at all, wouldn't it just be grand? Then we wouldn't even have to have a toilet to clean, or worry about bladder infections or diarrhea, etc. There would be 2 fewer reasons/excuses for students to leave the classroom or be tardy, too!! No need for toilet paper, less need for water processing plants. Oh & the best... no diapers or training pants.

You've just been hired to a promotions position at Kellogg Co. What would you put in a new breakfast cereal box as a gimmick? I really liked the cereal boxes that had computer games in them... I'd do more of that.

When trick-or-treating as a kid, was there any kind of candy that you didn't like to get? I didn't like Butterfingers at the time (silly me), & I still don't like the Almond Joy & Heath bars. I also became less fond of bubble gum the older I got. Still don't like gum.

What was your favorite TV show when you were growing up? Captain Kangaroo and Romper Room were cool when I was really young, but I loved watching the mystery/detective shows with my dad, Mannix, McCloud, Columbo, Banachek, Longstreet. Dad introduced me to James Bond, Matt Helm & Jason Bourne, too. Watching Little House on the Prairie with mom was ok, too.

Name the most famous person you've had a face to face encounter with ('brush with greatness')Bob Dole. I ate a "pot luck" indoor picnic with him & I could have sworn I shook his hand in a tiny western Kansas blip on the map that celebrates "Butterfield Day" I think it is south of Oakley. The road to that town has about a mile of shoes on fence posts just north of it. Ray Bradbury signed a book of mine; he even commented on how old the edition was. & I just met the author of Freak the Mighty when he signed my book, too.

What's the closest you've come to becoming a pop star/winning an Oscar? Well, the school year I wanted a divorce, and my husband remained too totally clueless might have won, except I really didn't really act like I was enjoying the marriage...Perhaps he was just clueless... well, there was a reason I wanted a divorce. The only other real competition: I did sing Karaoke one night. & in high school I had 6 lines = less than 30 words in the play The Mouse that Roared.
What was your favorite thing to play with as a child? Why?
the creek & the railroad tracks right beside them. I could "swim", make clay pots, track wild Indians, sled down the hills, walk the balance beam down to the river, flirt with dirty boys who chased me with crawdads, make mud pies, paint on the walls of the bridge tunnels, watch tadpoles & hop toads, sit and draw or read. If I wasn't at the creek playing (or working with the parents), I was reading.

Have you ever jumped out of a plane?
"No. Why jump from a perfectly working plane?" typed a previous person, and I agree. I would like to own a hot air balloon though.

What is your favorite quote?
Let's just say that if you start reading in the Bible, Matthew 6 and end at Matthew 7: 12 there are several lines/phrases etc that I just love. and then I have another Bible verse that is fun to use, but I use it very sparingly... only with very-anti-abortion-in-my-face people: Ecclesiastes 6: 3-6... "A man may have a hundred children and live a long time, but no matter how long he lives, if he does not get his share of happiness and does not receive a decent burial, then I say that a baby born dead is better off. It does that baby no good to be born; it disappears into darkness, where it is forgotten. It never sees the light of day or knows what life is like, but at least it has found rest--- more so than the man who never enjoys life, though he may live two thousand years. After all, both of them are going to the same place." That said, I do believe many (but definitely not all) abortions to be immoral, but refuse to support efforts to make any illegal.

What is your favorite weird food combination?
The weirdest I get is cottage cheese sitting between mashed potatoes & applesauce & all ending up on the same fork. I do not mix them together until the mouth is closed.

If you were to be on a reality TV show which one would you be on and why?
If there were a reality survival show with out swimming or eating gross foods, I could kick some serious butt, & no one would expect it of this little old out of shape Christian English teacher.

What one super hero power would you like to have and why?
"I would like to have the power to heal the mind of physical and emotional damage".... said some one else, & I agree with that. If I must be original, then being able to make students be quiet while I'm trying to teach & then actually study, and do homework would be really grand. Another idea I like is being able to grade 135 essays in less than an hour... of course that would assume that all 135 students actually turned in the essays.

Can you comfortably eat in a restaurant by yourself? Go to movie? Why? If I want to eat alone, I can do it at home, and wear my jammies. Go see a movie? There are no potty breaks at a movie, and the snacks cost way too much, so I'll stay home.

Ok, those are excuses. I've actually gone out to eat, and gone to see more movies in the past year or two than in my entire previous life, and I don't go alone. And with the wonderful friends I have, who needs to do either alone? Not me, but I can go to the bathroom all by myself... How many women do you know that can do that?

If you could be one kind of beer which one would you be and why?
Root beer. All the rest smell nasty & taste worse than they smell.

What certain thing have you done that impressed yourself?
Moving out on my ex husband & not "needing" to replace him. Roofing the house & teaching at an inner-city school without receiving physical injuries are pretty cool too. (My high school classmates would never have expected me to teach inner city... heck, they teased me about just speaking up in class... I avoided it like the plague.)

If you had a 'theme song' that played whenever you walk into a room full of people, what would it be?
A song that I knew when I had a paper route: "Who's tripping down the streets of the city, smiling at everybody she meets? Who's reaching out to capture a rainbow? Everyone knows it's Windy, And Wendy has stormy eyes that flash at the sound of lies,.. and wings to fly.... " Windy/Wendy? comes to my mind. So do the three songs for my funeral: Hallelujah Chorus, Do Lord, and "Dance then wherever you may be, I am the Lord of the Dance said He" which goes to the "Shaker Hymn" tune.

When you were in elementary school, what was your favorite activity at recess?
Avoiding being teased. Most easily done by swinging, or playing tetherball, cuz only us geeks played with them anyway.

The end.

2007-07-14T12:51:00.000-05:00

Dear readers:

One week left of 5 weeks of summer school. But paychecks for it seem to be slow in arriving. Also slow in arriving: extra duty pay.

Thus: No shower/bath renovating.

Idiotically though, I have overspent at JC Penny's & Kohl's. Clothes. Yes, I know I usually don't even go shopping. Penny's had a 75% off sale & I found things at 50% off too. But it added up. The official reason I even went was because the daughter's 18th birthday. She wanted undergarments & nightwear for college that wasn't from junior high. But what she bought didn't quite end up that way. I was just along for the credit card signing. But it didn't end up that way. STUPID!!! But man, do I look nice in them!

& I still need to hold back money for August home insurance & September car taxes... & try to save up for December taxes as I pay off the 0% credit cards... damn. You know how dieters often binge & "blow" their diets? I think I just did the monetary version of it.

Oh, & older son needed 125$ to go to camp. And daughter & boyfriend finally took me up on the offer to pay anyone who destroyed a shed $100....
Just wave good bye to that money... like it grew on a tree, or like the crab grass in my yard. If I had a penny for every crabgrass or wild strawberry plant I've pulled, I wouldn't be nagging myself about spending money.

Out of sight, out of mind isn't working as well as it needs too. Going to places with single men isn't working as well as it needs to. A student who used to always be in Flirty's office during my lunch time asked me if I knew how to contact Flirty. I said, "No." He said, "I thought you two were close buddies, so why don't you?" I said, "I think we are, but let's just say, it's probably better that I don't know how." The student got an onry quizzical look on his face. I said, "Don't ask now; save it for lunchtime." Fortunately, he forgot to.

Exercise & watching what I eat isn't going as well as they need to.

Motivating youngest son to do his fair of chores--- not going as well as it needs to.

Cleaning house.... you guesssed it.

Procrastinating on cleaning by grading papers, pulling weeds and blogging... going so well all of the papers are graded & some small portions of yard don't look as weed infested as it does in general. I even have some baby grass growing in previous weedy spots. But the crabgrass war is far from won.

I have remembered to call the soft water system installers & remind them that the way they installed it in March allowed for the system to freeze & that was not acceptable. I called them on Easter morning. & YOu know how caller ID saves phone numbers? I've returned their call to me from way back a few times; but just got voice mail. I got a live person... it's not the installer's number anymore. ARGH!! I called another number though & got more voicemail. . .

And now I must go call around for a plumber/handyman to do the tub when I have the kids or in August the week of my party, because I'm gone to San Francisco during what could have been the most convenient week to do it. What fun!

take care.

2007-07-14T09:35:00.000-05:00

I was cleaning out old e-mail and I found this conversation with my brother from March 27, 2003. I wrote an e-mail at the beginning of these wars telling my relatives to quit trying to bully me into supporting the war & the President with lame reasons. My brother responded, & I responded back. We may have even done another round of responding. The only editing I'm doing to it in this post is to make clear what I wrote originally from his responses & my comments back & to delete names for privacy reason . We did some color coding originally that will help me keep it straight; my apologies to my brother if I mess up just a bit as the color coding didn't copy & paste with the text.

Why am I doing this.... well I once said this blog would occasionally discuss politics & it hasn't yet. AND now around 2/3 of the country agrees with me. Whereas when I wrote it, I was very much in the minority. If you were/are a supporter of the war, I don't mean to smash it in your face that I was right about any of it. I just wanted to store the fact of what I thought some place other than in my e-mail.

For the record my current stance is: I pray for the troops almost daily. My cousin's son is in Afghanistan. A best friend's son is going to Iraq. I have acquaintances at church who have returned from Iraq. I honor them all.

I still believe our president to be mostly incompetent. I still wish he had waited for other countries to prove that their intelligence agencies had more accurate information than he did. I still believe that most of the reasons we were given for going to war were lame. I do think that there could have been some good reasons for going over there, but they weren't the ones given at the time & that we still apply those good reasons with inconsistent logic, and could even be considered hypocritical in the way that we do apply them.

I have always believed that Saddam Hussein & Bin Ladin did evil things. I still am befuddled as to why we see it as our job to attack some countries for the evil of their leaders, but not others. Why do we befriend some of the other atrocious leaders? Do I want us to go to war with all of the evil leaders? No. Do I want to find away to convince them to acknowledge basic human rights? Yes. Heck, I wish our own country would sign treaties/accords etc that acknowledge basic human rights, & I wish we would live up to the ones we have already signed, too.

Because of the way we interrupted each other's flows of thought to comment, it might be easier if you read all of the original purple, then all of his responses in blue & then all of my responses in green. Or at least go back to the last lines written in that same color to follow our purple & blue trains of thought. My green words are pure responses to his blue ones.

Here is the original from March 2003:

I am feeling bullied by many around me to support a war that I still believe was not necessary. You few/some were picked to read my rantings because I have discussed with you at various times war, politics, etc. & you with me; or I've just known you long enough to think we can disagree and not end our relationship. If you are offended, so be it; you may respond as
you are wont to do. I've just got to get all of this off my chest & brain.

Let me preface the rest of my thoughts with this: I am concerned about the soldiers, and I do not want them to feel abandoned by the US public like many Vietnam soldiers felt. Furthermore I do not dispute the facts of Saddam Hussein's atrocious acts against people nor the breaking of Gulf War 1 treaties and resolutions by having "illegal weapons."

But my concern for them can go even deeper than many war supporters. As a newspaper columnist wrote recently, if we really cared for their lives we would have not adopted a stance with Iraq which essentially said, "We said to do as we said, and we want you to do it now because we are bigger than you are, or ELSE."

My brother: The prelude to this war included many meetings with Iraq's government. Both open and private. First off, Clinton threatened and backed of many times in his 8 years. He should of forced the issue ....... but he was a coward. Not wanting to get the USA in a big war. After GW Bush won the Gulf war Part1, Clinton lost the peace. Current George Bush played it the right way .... pump up the propaganda machine. Allowed 1 year of talks, while building a credible consequences. Clinton never made the price look high enough. A normal loser in a war would have allowed full inspections. Hussein never thought he lost, I guess.

My response: We knew when we elected Clinton that he had no stomach for war & no international politics experience. We got what we asked for. I never fully understood why we didn't go get Saddam in the first war. We knew he was bad then. Saddam probably didn't feel like he lost because he was not capitulated, and his regime was left in tact. In my brain I know that there was lack of UN support to "dethrone" him at that time, but I would have accepted our thumbing our nose at them better then. Nuances in the situation and my personality are the reasons for my change of stance.

Back to original: As every parent whose child has lived to age 5 knows, when such a threat is given there has to be a followup of a mighty "or ELSE." The average parent has learned that or else statements just make the kid say, " NO" in some defiant way. And there ends up being a no one win situation. Defiance comes in a variety of forms. Hussein's regime was using the foot dragging, behind your back strategies. Parents look for a situation that is at least a win/lose if not a win/win. With a win/win situation confrontations over that particular issue are rare, and confrontations over other issues become less likely. The win/lose solutions get a job or conflict resolved, but leave lingering after affects. I had hopes that my governmental leaders were smarter than the average parent.

Brother: See above ... Clinton messed it up. George Bush tried to fix it. Win/win could have of happened if Hussein allowed inspections, not gassed the Kurds. And had been a good neighbor. Sanctions would have been lifted. Oil exports allowed and he would be a happy rich mofo. After
all the USA was a friend to the Shah of Iran. The Shah was publicly a "good guy," while secret police "bad guy." Shah did not gas, invade any country, launch missile at our allies like: Saudi, Israel and Kuwait AFAIK. Our government / Bush admin played the game well.

My response: Other countries thought that there was still hope of inspections getting done. Other countries also just wanted more time for various reasons. No one likes his gassing of the Kurds, except maybe the Turks? Depending on which station/broadcaster I'm listening to, sometimes Turkey seems agressive to the Kurds, and other times not. I will admit confusion on that issue. I did not understand us treating the Shah as a good guy, until I learned just how bad the Ayatollah was.

As a social studies student/teacher I have to remind myself & students that the Middle East is a different culture, and has a different perspective about what we call atrocities & civil/human rights violations. South America in the 50's-90's has begun to evolve to be more like us, but their understanding of what is just punishment was & still is in many places is much more harsh. The Middle East remains harsh. To think that the Ayatollah is better than the Shah, seems to be more of an economic & religious view than, a civil/human rights view. I would like more information on whether the Ayatollah remained "humble" compared to the conspicuous consumption of the Shah. Few leaders stay humble.

If the international community had more fully backed the US, then I could be more for the war. But we thumbed our noses at the UN, & so now can the rest of the world. We have rendered it as useless. It was bad enough when we didn't pay our dues, and didn't support treaties/resolutions for pollution, healthcare, trade etc. But going to war is worse. I resent that a lot.

Orignal: Do I know what a win/win situation could have been with Hussein's regime? No, but the leaders of other countries asked for more time and patience to create the win/win situation. If Bush had not taken the or else stance and continued with it, then we could have followed the advice of other nations. But he did what he did, & now because he's the leader of my country I am not allowed to bad mouth him?

Since when are we not allowed to bad mouth a president? We just finished 8 years of Slick Willie Clinton being bad-mouthed every day in the press. George Sr. was accused of waffling on issues, & its hard to believe that he didn't recall many things he should have during the Iran-Contra inquisitions. Teflon Ron Reagan was fair game until he was diagnosed with Alzheimers--- but he was accused of having the symptoms while in office. Ford was called a bumbling oaf. Carter was accused of being bogged down in minutea & not seeing the whole picture. Nixon (Tricky Dick) had to die before people started speaking respectively of his administration. Don't tell me not to bad mouth a president just because he's president after my lifetime of experiences hearing others bad mouth our presidents.

Our country was established on the freedom of speech, & I want to feel free to use my voice without being damned and labled as unpatriotic. If you want to be patriotic, then you had best be willing to support our constitution's guarantee of free speech.

Brother: Actually, Clinton got very little bad press from starting wars in Somolia and Kosovo. Though he should have ... he did not seek UN approval to go either place. So ok Somolia started out as a UN relief work feeding the hungry, but soon degraded to fighting tribal warlords. However the UN is a useless, meaningless body. And if you saw the movie Blackhawk Down. You see Clinton was a coward by not giving the military the tools and means to do the job they were sent in to do. If a country commits to war. It should use as much force as possible. To accomplish the job ASAP with the least possible civilian damage and loss of life. Clinton did things with the least force possible. To keep the liberal folks back home happy. So they would believe this is not "the next Vietnam".

I was very mad at Clinton for this too.

My Response: Never said Clinton's bad press was about war. Hell, most the country didn't realize we were even in Somolia to fight. General impression was "peace keeping" & humanitarian aide. With Kosovo & Bosnia the bad press was about not getting there sooner.

My professors throughout the years have said that the US is still rather racist & Euro-Centric. War in Africa--who cares. Problems in Europe--why weren't we there yesterday. Their words do seem to still ring a bit too true.

Never said anything about Clinton being good at his job. I think the country just wanted to party for awhile & make money. Remember the campaign slogan: "It's the economy, stupid" ? We didn't seem to care that Bush senior had international experience, or was pro-moral conduct with prayers, & no abortions, etc. We got what we voted for. Slick Willie.

I did not vote for him either time. I do not belong to a political party & probably never will as I have seen both major parties be dishonest & immoral in their actions and beliefs. When a minority party has someone who is not too insane, I have voted for one of them more in protest & to give hope to a third & fourth parties of any stance to rise up & try. Other times, I have felt like I was picking the lesser evil.

Brother: To Hussein these things were apparent, so he did things his way. The war has just started .... So everyone is full of anxieties ... most people believe or wanna believe the elected folk know more than we know. My gut was far more worried about Clinton's wars than this one, though I never publicly protested his wars. Us conservative folks :) worried about a Commander in Chief that said he "loathed the military." I was very mad at his bombing of an aspirin factory in Sudan. An ally, that has never ever been proven to support terrorists.

My response: I just barely remember the aspirin factory situation & will accept your version. I have only once joined a war protest & that was the first Sunday after the first Gulf War started. It was not so much a protest as just a lot of people who were very sad wearing gray & black in mourning. In retrospect, I see that war as much more necessary than the timing of this one. I wish all wars could be avoided, but I do understand the need to have some of them.

Original text: I teach my children not to fight with fists or weapons unless all elusive, saying "stop" & "telling" strategies have been used, and actual violence is upon them. Even then, I tell them to consider their attacker... If bigger, stronger or more prone to be cruel in response to attack, then just go into survival mode, which can mean submissive or easy going. The last thing they are to even consider is attacking 'cuz that will just enrage the bully into thinking he has a right to harm his victim. Pre-emptive strikes are not discussed, because of the hypocrisy of the act making yourself the bully.

Now, I know Saddam Hussein is not a bigger neighborhood bully, and the US and the rest of the world are not my kids, but the similarities are close enough. Saddam Hussein's regime is more likely to break international rules of war & see pre-emptive strikes as giving him the right to use his Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Brother: I was taught fighting is always wrong .... I was taught wrong. Siblings shouldn't fight for blood against each other, I agree. But when a stupid bully starts a fight .... over nothing just to be a bully. For good kids to do nothing and allow another kid to be beaten up is wrong!! Run or Fight if no helpful friends are around. In some weird families, brothers and sisters fight physically for fun. Normal kids don't understand this weird behavior, so a normal kid may believe he or she is gonna die!

My Response: One day my youngest son's best friend beat up another smaller kid. My son did nothing. I yelled at him. I may have spanked his butt. I grounded him for a week; he had to tell the kid's parents & apologize for doing nothing & tell his friend's parents what had happened. My son was not allowed to play with his friend for a couple of weeks. My husband may have spanked him when he got home from work. The best friend's parents used a belt; my husband may have used one on our son, which is really a rarity. My husband has threatened a few times, but I think he has only done it once. I just don't remember when. We told our son that if anything like that ever happened he was to tell the beater/bully to stop, hollar for adult help, send for a grown up to help &/or try to stop the bully himself depending on sizes of children & weapons involved. All three are now best friends.

You & I used to wrestle, and I let my kids play wrestle too. My husband & I taught them how actually on Saturday mornings when we would find two or three tiny kids in our bed. We sometimes join them in their wrestling still.. Our daughter has developed a few quick effective moves to let her brothers know when their behavior is not acceptable. She & I had a talk about how as her brothers get older wrestling may actually be their way of hugging her, since girls & hugging are increasingly yucky at their age/stage. But I did not reprimand her for letting them know that stop meant stop.

Brother: Saddam Hussein IS THE BULLY in the neighborhood AFTER ALL he invaded KUWAIT remember? Gassed the Ethnic Kurds Remember? If this isn't the neighborhood bully WFT is? No hypocrisy involved Saddam KILLED FIRST !!! Saddam must go. He will not remain in power no matter what. All his moves are up ... he is history.

My Response: I have never said that I condone Saddam's actions. I too condemn these actions. But why didn't we get him in the first war? Why didn't we get him the week after he gassed the Kurds? Ok, Clinton. But how about the rest of the world ? Why weren't they outraged enough to try to talk us into it? I agree that Saddam must go, but the timing & method are what I don't like. And to be truthful much of what you write makes me feel more OK, about the war. What I couldn't stand being spouted to me were the crap reasons to support the war. I still can't tolerate them.

Orignal message: My religion taught me not to kill. Yeah, so what if accurate translations say the commandment word is "murder," that's not what was ingrained into me at church.

Now I also know that in a country where the constitution says the government will not establish a religion/church, I can't force my religious belief on my government. But we do have rules about killing. Our "self-defence" rules basically state that the other guy has to pull the trigger first. Yes, sometimes immediate eminent danger is allowed, but it has to be proved. According to the weapons inspectors and international leaders that was not proven. Bush only claimed it was.

Brother: Our self-defense rules say that, a reasonable person must believe his/her life, or those who are dependant upon, is in immediate danger. No where is there a requirement of bad guy pulling the trigger or throwing the first punch. The defensive response is to stop the attack.
Whether or not the bad guy lives may depend upon the means the defender has to meet the threat. Later in court the threat may never be fully proved, but common law generally favors the defender. This I have studied a lot.

My response: This is becoming more true in our life times. The activism of abused wives & mothers of abused children really helped the evolution of these laws. When I wrote the other day, I was remembering Dad with his "if your shooting him pushes him back out the window he is crawling in, push him back in the house before you call the cops." I am less ticked off today, & know what you write is true. But some women still have to prove that rape wasn't consensual, or "asked for" by their dress & behavior. Fortunately this has improved in the last 20 years, too.

Brother: If anyone ever believed the UN weapon inspectors were ever gonna say: "Hey,we found nerve gas over here." You are an IDIOT. UN weapon inspector were seeking forensic evidence, that weapons were ever produced. Besides can you say SCUD ..... believed to have been launched into Kuwait. SCUDs have about twice the range of the missiles he finally agreed to destroy.

My Response: Actually finding weapons is forensic evidence. & I watched inspectors on television actually finding some small hidden arsenals. And that helped me understand that war was probably likely because of the lying & hiding. But other countries had faith in the process, and I wish we could have listened to their perspectives better.

Original text: We also have rules about fair trials and trial by peers. The UN trial of peers agreed that Saddam's regime was not behaving correctly, but did not agree on capital punishment for them. Our jury system calls for unanimous decisions for death penalties, but we are not living by that system in the international setting.

Brother: UN can't agree on many things. All the major powers have a veto. If in our congress, house and senator leaders all had veto power. Not much could happen here either. Our intentions are for Hussein and family to leave Iraq. If he stays and survives, he must win the war or accept surrender when he loses.

My Response: Yes, I know the UN can't agree on many things, & the frustrating part is how we too don't help the process by agreeing to more of the good things. For years we didn't even pay our full dues. We complain about the weakness of the UN, and then undermine it & keep it weak.

Original text: Let me address another hypocrisy in the reasons why we had to go to war. Iraq has weapon's of mass destruction, and therefore must have been planning to use them is the stance I hear from Mr. Bush etc. Yet, we have similar and worse weapons of mass destruction. Are we therefore planning on using our nuclear weapons? How about our biological & chemical weapons? Yes, we have them. Have we forgotten Napalm, agent orange? Do you remember the
neutron bomb? It would wipe out life, but leave the buildings. How about those 2 huge new bombs in the news just this month... shock waves for two miles around one of them. We say we have these weapons as a reason to keep others from shooting at us first.

Could not Saddam use the same logic as we? Perhaps that is the only reason Iran or Turkey didn't invade him already. Perhaps we should be invaded until we dismantle our weapons. Oh,
& if we with all of our technological bookkeeping can't find some weapons, what then? Let me assure you that we have equipment that is "missing," and we have people who would keep them missing even if our president publicly agreed to follow the rules. Iran-Contra situations have probably happened more than once in a variety of forms.

Brother response: The USA is a proven "Good Guy" remember.

Yes, of course!! We plan to use OUR NUKES!! They have kept the peace for 40 some years!!

Just don't attack the Good Old USA with nukes, and your country is safe from nuclear attack from the USA.

My response: No, the USA is not a proven "Good Guy." We have supported too many dictators throughout our history to earn that title. AND we usually did it to support our "big business" friends of the president or senators. I will agree that we are better than many other countries in many ways. Much of the world does not trust us, but they like doing business with us.

Brother's response to the original: In WWI, Germany complained the shotgun was "an inhuman weapon and should be banned." This from the first country to use Mustard gas. Napalm is "An
aluminum soap of various fatty acids that when mixed with gasoline makes a firm jelly used in some bombs and in flame-throwers. b. This jelly. 2. An incendiary mixture of polystyrene, benzene, and gasoline." Gasoline, soap, and any metal shavings available anywhere, no way to enforce a ban.

My response: & the guillotine & electric chair were all created to make execution more humane. And the gattling gun was to save lives by killing more enemy faster & end wars faster. I am embarrassed sometimes by my German heritage, but am glad my ancestors were here long before WWI.

Brother: Agent Orange is not a weapon, but a defoliant, it takes the leaves of the jungle canopy. Easier to see the enemy. Neutron bomb a great devise, kills but leaves the real estate intact. But funding was stopped after politician thought about it. They are definitely right on this one. MOAB is just a bigger fuel/air bomb. Been done before but this one is just bigger. Spray the air above target area with jet/diesel fuel and ignite it. KABOOM!! Was mentioned in the press more likely as propaganda, than for real usage.

Weapons do not start Wars.

My response: Yes, Agent Orange is a defoliant, but it also has been responsible for illnesses in our own soldiers. Though it may not be a quick acting weapon, it does have long term affects on those exposed. Neutron: funding stopped, but still the technology exists. In a time when we are demonstrating precision bombing, and concern for innocents, when would MOAB be useful? Yes, I know the timing of the press release was propaganda. Husband & I said that to each other the first day it was in the news.

I totally agree that weapons don't start wars, but they have been used as our excuse to invade Iraq. I object to our using them as our reason. The hypocrisy is in using the weapons as the reason.

Brother: Big difference ... Saddam lost Gulf War Part 1, or maybe he forgot. GHWB followed the UN rules in Gulf War Part 1. Shoulda kicked Saddam's ass outa there. And/or Clinton the coward in command should have enforced the peace. Again GHWB followed the UN rules in Gulf War Part 1 ... the useless UN didn't backup the Peace .... We all Lost the Peace.

Me: Already covered this issue.

Brother: Saddam has a big backyard to bury his toys in. It might take awhile to find them. I worry more about bombing his anthrax supply and releasing it into the air.

Our missing inventory/ Saddam Hussein's Missing inventory he lost 5,000 liters of anthrax and 500 tons of chemical agents. Umm, I am more worried about his missing stuff.

My response: We too have a big backyard, & we have missing plutonium. I fully understand your worries about the anthrax & other chemicals, and would prefer for inspectors to find them than for bombs. Kind of reminds me of cops burning marijuana to keep people from "enjoying" it's fumes. I often wonder the effects on the cops. Anyway, bombing factories that make chemical & biological weapons or warehouses that store them is just not logical. What if the precision bombing hits the wrong thing due to bad or dated intelligence or aiming error?

Brother: Iran/Contras .... See enemies enemy below .... not always a great idea. But the USA and Soviets and China were our allies during WW2. Again Germany and Japan. Seemed to work out ok that time.

Original: Today on the news, the reason for the examples of strategic bombing was to make us be less anti-war, because we were being shown that no "innocents" were being killed. There is no other reason to show us footage that could have come from Nevada, Gulf War 1, or computer doctoring of photos except to alleviate that fear. We want the world to see that we are moral attackers.

At the same time we let it be known that his soldiers are dressed as civilians, so if we mess up....oops. Remember how hard it was to tell Viet Cong from the Vietnamese allies? According to our profiling tactics "they all look alike" anyway right? Better safe than sorry, right?

Brother: Do you have any Faith in our leaders? They are people just like you and me. If Bush was gone tomorrow ... like Clinton gone today ... that You and I wouldn't we elect similar Leaders to replace them?

Americans have the same basic values .... We always try to keep our leaders in check .... To fight the good fight ... for the good of All people. I disagreed with Clinton many times on foreign affair matters .....but believed he thought he was doing the "Right Thing". Except for the Aspirin factory. If we were an evil country .... we would just "Nuke their Ass and Take There Gas"

My response: Faith in our leaders? I don't really. They are humans. Humans respond in predictable ways to economic and "power" incentives. And those ways are not always moral, or logical from a more general perspective. My fears are that we will keep electing presidents that do not have the expertise or common sense they need to govern.

When asked why I am a social studies teacher I say it is because I want my students to be active, and to feel empowered in our government. It is a government of the people, by the people and for the people, & if our people don't ask for the government & people to do a better job, then we get ordinary greedy stupid people making our important decisions. The people must monitor and advise the people elected & hired to do the actual jobs. The elected officials are supposed to listen to us. Not think that they know better what is good for us. They are not our parents, they are our employees.

For interviews I am a bit more professional & less vehement.

Brother: We started the Gulf War Part 2 by attacking Saddam's bunkers and command structures. You know kill the Generals first ......not lining up the troops like during our Revolutionary War. That kind of warfare makes me very sick. Watch The Patriot, with Mel Gibson if you don't know what is mean. Hell, we weren't even taking POWs along the way to Baghdad. Saddam's army didn't even leave an enemy soldier alive while invading Kuwait.

BS we have made it clear dropping tons of leaflets. Saying: do not take up arms against us and you have nothing to fear. "No gun. No get shot."

My response: I am thankful for the strategies you point out here. It makes what we are doing more tolerable. If we were fighting the old way, even the WWII way, I would be in the protest lines everyday despite my agreeing that Saddam & his regime are evil. I do believe that the pictures they showed us are real, but they didn't have to be. And there were some controversies over the accuracy of how Gulf War one pictures were labelled/presented.& yes, Wag the Dog movie comes to mind even though it was fictional.

Original Text: Now what about the terrorist threats? Let's see. We went into Afganistan to take care of that. Afganistan with mountains and caves. Afganistan with the elusive Osama Bin Laden. Those caves remind me of Vietnam tunnels & jungles, but we can't let the US public in general think that, can we? So let's be destracted from that ongoing problem by Saddam Hussein, cuz just maybe it can be conclusively proven that some terrorists got supplies from him. There is debate on the whether his regime has or not. I myself wouldn't doubt it, but that isn't my point.
Ask for a moment these questions: Where do Israely terrorists get their supplies? How about the Irish Army that sets off bombs in Dublin?

Hmm. Let me guarantee that US money, weapons and training are involved in one or both of those situations (i.e. our government probably does not knowingly train the Irish). Let's not even go into the "School of Americas" with its training of South American terrorists. If it is ok to attack a country that supports terrorists, then it is ok for other countries to attack us.

Brother: Are you distracted? I didn't fall for the aspirin factory did you? Afghanistan is almost over. I was not worried about their caves. Osama Bin Laden may be dead or alive ... who knows for sure. But he will most likely have a cult following. So our al Qaeda problems may continue with or without Osama Bin Laden. Osama is from Saudi, so Afghanistan is not likely to miss him much.

My response: No, I am not distracted, but I know that you & I are more vigilant than others. Bread & circusses still keep the general people from caring. Half our nation couldn't even locate Iraq on a globe 3 weeks ago, and have forgotten where Afghanistan is now. AlQaeda, many Saudi's with many other nationalities who were hiding in Afghan regions with the knowledge & support of Taliban... what a mess. Some websites claim we will go after Saudi or Iran next, some of them cite Bushes' speech about the evil countries where he also listed North Korea. Yes, I think most of those sites are set up by kooks, but they do make me think & wonder. Talk about a bigger mess if we did as they predict.

Brother: Please follow the link, School of Americas established in Panama in 1946 Over its 56 years, the SOA has trained over 60,000 Latin American soldiers in counterinsurgency techniques, sniper training, commando and psychological warfare, military intelligence and interrogation tactics.
And every country in Latin America, except Cuba, is now governed by elected leaders accountable to their people. So it must have worked. I agree some of the graduates of SOA are real SOBs that deserve to die painfully.

My response: A few years ago I took a class on South American politics, and School of Americas was mentioned frequently, & I visited websites about it then. The Central & Southern Americas are much more stable now, but I predict that by 2010 we will find out that some of those you describe as accountable are forcibly kicked out of office & not elected out. At this moment I am having trouble remembering why the leader w/ a Japanese sounding name was in the news, but he is introuble for something. & Pinochet ... well, by the standards he treated people, he is being treated too nicely. We helped him rise to power by the way.

Brother: Umm... Israeli terrorist? The Israelis carved out the only democratic place in the Middle East. Only place I'd consider living in the Middle East. The Israelis won their war. Their neighbors should get over it, and move on with their lives. Has Jordan, Egypt, Syria, Saudi, or Lebanon offered a peaceful place for the Palestinians to live? Hell No. Israel offered more than any reasonable country should, land for Peace and an Independent state with self rule! But No Palestinians wanted all of Israel. Assimilate or leave Israel, I say.

My response: Israel... Oh what fun. The British Empire controlled Palestine up til around 1948. There was no Israel. The British Empire encouraged Jews to pursue their Zionistic return to Israel. Why? Because quite truthfully all of Europe & America wasn't thrilled with having Jews either. Remember how the KKK called Jews "Christ killers"? The KKK was one of the biggest social/political clubs of the 1920's.

(As a sidebar, Your own Grandpa paid dues to belong, but when there was a mess up about his robe not being given to him, after he paid for it, he decided not to attend the meetings. & your Granny B didn't like Eleanor Roosevelt & refused to go to the train tracks when she came to her town, because she was too nice to Blacks & Jews. )

Back on topic. Great Britain took over after the Ottoman Empire fell apart with WWI, Palestine was created at that time. A good portion of their country was taken away & given to the Jews as refugees from Russia & German occuppied countries needed a place to go after WWII. After WWII, Palestine was divided into the two countries. I refer to Israelly as terrorists because some of the acts are terroristic. A few decades ago they were called guerilla, but the tactics are similar enough. & yes, Palestine is "more guilty", but they are the displaced. Just as the American Indians were. Or the Australian Aborigines, & the blacks of South America., and the Incas, Aztecs, Mayans, & Caribs. The people of the region didn't like British rule & cared even less for the Jewish invasion. The actions of the the displaced can be understood, though it would be nice for them to "get over it." But it has only been 55 years, and both Jewish & Arab cultures support revenge (& feud) logic.

Brother: Irish Army or the IRA? I musta been distracted :) Whether it is the US government or US citizens .... Irish or Israel or other. The good folks in the USA will support freedom loving people ... Heck a friend on mine sent 75 bucks to the Afganistani's during the Soviet war.

My response: IRA, yes we support freedom loving people. The hypocrisy is supportiing some terrorists and blasting others. simplisticly, alQueda sees their view of the world as at risk from this huge American immoral influence. Things they respect and hold as dear are indangered.
The people of IRA, Israel, Palestine, etc have similar views. We have similar views. But at least theoretically we don't support terroristic tactics, but the reality is that our government & our fellow citizens have.

Original Text: Let's also not forget that looking for a few men in a city of millions can be very difficult. Yes, Hitler found 6 million Jews, but he did miss a few, and his nation supposedly agreed with him. We don't know just yet how much the Iraqi's agree with us. The Nazi's even escaped to South America, and stayed hidden there for decades despite their Aryan looks and German accents in a predominantly Spanish/Portuguese speaking dark-skinned people area of
the world. Hussein could at least look like he fit in in South America, let alone his own country.

Brother: Hitler could not have hidden amongst the Jews and Hitler could not have hidden in South America .... he was long since dead, long before he killed himself. Hitler's SS didn't carry on after he died.

My response: We were told that we were in this war to get rid of Saddam. We were told we were going to get rid of Usama bin Laden. These are damned harder jobs than we are led to believe. There could have been easier ways with Saddam & more internationally legal ways.

When & if we ''get these" two guys & their followers, it won't be done easily. & I don't like our government pretending that it will only take a 3 week war to do it. Hussein is a smart man in trying to stay hidden. He has his doubles set up & we know it. Our own gov't has trouble analyzing when it's him & when it isn't.

Separately, we had dead bodies & weren't certain if they were bin Laden's brothers.

Ok, so the "spy" part of my brain says that our gov't tells us it's confused or starts the rumors that it is in the first place, for propaganda reasons. Or shall I twist it a bit, & say that they hope we think it is propaganda & they really are that inept? I could go as beserk as the conspiracy nuts in movies with it, but I digress again.

If Hitler had not killed himself, he could have hidden. Some of the most atrocious Germans did. I wonder at times their reasons. Was it pure self preservation? or was it lack of pride in their behavior? loss of conviction in their cause? shame? Did it start off as one & end as the other? Why hide if you believe your way is right, besides that you know the rest of the world disagrees & wants you dead & you prefer living. I digress again.

Will Saddam martyr himself? or hide to fight another day? He won't take a cyanide pill, that much we know. UBL is hiding, or dead & his fanatics are using a "ghost" to make us wonder. I don't have updated accurate info on what the current theory is there. It seemed to fluctuate daily until this war started & I've not heard of it since.

I do believe one reason Bush started this war was to distract us. I resent his trying to present Hussein & bin Laden ties as a reason for this war, when I heard "experts" telling me that those ties can't be proven. Now, we can hope that GW didn't lie & just has higher security info that those experts don't.

But at this time, I see it as propaganda, & Remember 9/11 as a battle cry rings as false as "Remember the Maine" & the Gulf of Tonkin have proven to be. Heck, even the Lusitainia happened over a year before we joined the war, but my high school history book said that was why we joined WWI. But then Pearl Harbor was real & a real reason.. Lusitainia was real, but it wasn't the reason for joining WWI. The Maine did explode, but even forensic evidence that they understood at the time shows that it exploded from within not from a torpedo or mine type device on the outside..

9/11 was real, but it is not our real reason for fighting Hussein, & I resent being told it is.

Brother: Hussein cannot hide amongst the Kurds or have much luck
>hiding in Asia. He is already dead ..... even before he commits suicide. The
>Iraqi soldiers are beaten soldiers or religious fanatics ... they will not
>hide. Or they will surrender once Hussein is gone. The Elite Republican
>Guard won't fight on after Hussein is gone either ....

July 14, 2007 note: this next part was identified separately... don't know why or which came first.
Brother: Even in our war of Independence and Civil wars only about 7% of the citizens fought. Most civilians don't seek war or fight in them. Certainly they don't support tyrants like Saddam Hussein.

Debbie: Less than 30% even agreed with the American rebels for the revolution. & I kind of like what the minority thought that time. I don't recall the %age of actual British supporters, but with many residents coming from other countries I doubt it was high. True though that most civilians don't seek or fight wars. Most civilians are to busy trying to find bread & butter to think about how the gov'ts actions affect their efforts to get that bread & butter. Others think enough to be afraid to speak out for fear of consequences. But tyrants have support, or there would be nothing to fear. Never forget that Hitler was elected originally, & his charismatic speeches swayed many to seeing his "truth." Regime coups in South America had support, often of the military, for the new tyrants. It's scary how tyrants often replace tyrants. Somewhere way back in my schooling I was taught an accepted theory about the progression of governments & the "predictable" order that they replace themselves with, but I don't recall how it goes at this time. I digressed again, but just because we oust Saddam's crew, doesn't mean that the people of Iraq will be emotionally/mentally/psychologically ready for the new system we try to "help them "create. It takes generations. Look at how many of the old USSR countries flounder about trying to use systems they were told would be better. Look at how corrupt the governments in Latin America still are, even by our PAC & soft money standards.
What is proposed to happen will take more time than GW admits it will, & if he is not willing to commit the time it will take, he should not have sent us over there. Perhaps he is just not admitting to us publicly that he knows & will commit to that long commitment. That would sound rather colonial of us, and that is not politically correct at this time.
Grant tells me that France now supports the war, and was just afraid of the bad press for having sold some of the chemicals to Iraq. Greed & pride struck again instead of morality. I now have another reason to be more supportive of the war, because a naysayer had lied about hidden motives to oppose it, instead of good moral reasons as they claimed.
If the war supporters use good moral reasons I can support them, but when they use hypocritical and greedy reasons I feel bullied & angry. The other day I was fed up with the crap. I still think we are mostly there because of oil, even though I'm told by many sources that the %age we buy from there is actually low. Let's just say, I don't know who to trust to give me accurate data, but right now my government is using propaganda & so I doubt it the most. Being there for oil is not moral, it is greed. The US has known since the 70's to implement alternative energy sources, and to quit being so wasteful, & we haven't. I am guilty too, though I try to reduce, reuse & recycle. I put on sweaters & keep the heater set low, do the opposite in the summer. etc, but I'm still wasteful with fuel & energy & don't have active or passive solar energy strategies in place. But if more people were even as conscious of energy use as I am, we would be in a much better situation. & if we were as active as some people I know, .... the world would truly be different. A classmate of mine really went off the other day on SUV's & Hummers owned by city people. Lawrence area has many bermed houses, houses made of recycled things (like tires & aluminum cans), a few cement houses, solar collectors, in house green houses, bicycle riders, vegetarians & even greener "green freaks." We recycle more than most towns our size & by percentage recycle more than many more cities. Heck some of our Amish use more coal & oil (& nuclear) generated energy than some of our "green freaks." But the freaks are called freaks, so they are not the majority yet. & I digressed again.

By the way, as a person who used to dream of writing professionally, I want to ask, is what I write interesting to read? I know sometimes my facts can use updating, especially when I get too emotionally pent up & I digress, but is it easy to read? Could I have an old dream still worth pursuing? I guess is the real question. Another friend sent parts of my ranting on to others of her friends...as she agreed with them & she sent me back her Canadian friend's response.. At first my husband agreed with everything I wrote, but then found a few logic holes like you did. So I figure it must have been somewhat persuasive. It looks as though you even read through it twice in a few places, & your comments have made me better state ( I hope) my frustrations.

Original: I'm experiencing the aches of typing too much, so I will quit, but I have more reasons for seeing this war as uncalled for, hypocritical, and just plain wrong.

Brother: If I sound Harsh ... Grow up. War has always been around us (the USA). Countries will always support their enemies enemy. War is an Awful thing that should be avoided, but used when necessary. If you win it in war, it is yours ... If you lose (Iraq Gulf War Part1) accept
defeat.
All that is necessary for evil to rule ... is for good men to do nothing.
Clinton did too mucha nothing about Iraq ...

My response: Except for the Idiot phrase, you were not harsh. I have been trying to remember the quote about evil for several days, but knew I wasn't getting it quite right. I wanted it for a paper about Ida B. Wells-Barnett. She was sick of do-nothing people, & I get that way too, thus I'm a teacher.

Brother: Peace, cya .....

My response: Couldn't have said it better myself.

2007 comment: 4 years later.

Afghanistan: still going on. Osama bin Ladin, 6ft tall man that needs kidney dialysis still not found. Taliban officially kicked out, but residuals exist. Many of bin Ladin's associates found & dealt with.

Saddam Hussein: found, tried, executed.

Iraq war: still going on. Propaganda? The word from returned soldiers & the news stories don't seem to match up as to whether the civilian Iraqies in general like or hate us. They technically had democratic elections; they just weren't used to them & don't like the procedures or the results or, or, or ???

USA Fatalities: over 3,500 seems to be a BIG DEAL to the media ... I agree every lost life is a tragedy. I acknowledge the families' & friends' losses, and we mourn their loss, and respect the soldiers' efforts to help Iraq set up a new government. But the historical perspective is that more men died in single battles & in single days in previous wars than in these past 4 years.

USA integrity: Prisoners held w/o trial at Gitmo. Secret prisons. Sexual harassment & torture. Proven wrong about storage of mass production of WMD. Haliburton.

At least we seem to be going through the motions of correcting our wrongs. History will hopefully help us sort out truth vs. propaganda better someday.

Optimistically: We're trying to do the right thing now.

Cynically: I've been lied to even more, and watched more folks try to Cover their asses, and am tired of waiting for events to become history to find out "the truth." Heck, the CIA just released "the truth" about their past, and it weren't pretty... & that's the part they let us know. There are still unreleased documents about JFK, & MLK assassinations... and it's over 45 years for the former & almost 40 years for the latter. Why do we have to wait?

Why do humans still operate out of greed & power?

Dear Lord, Please help us to operate out of love & respect. Let us people around the world derive our sense of well-being from giving rather than taking. From helping vs. hurting. From truth rather than secrets.

2007-06-30T13:30:00.000-05:00

Ah, Readers,

It has been a busy few weeks, once again.

Summer school began. I am not teaching the Pre-AP class I was told to create & plan for. I am teaching American Literature for the first time ever. I teach a first semester class in the morning & 10 minutes later I teach a 2nd semester class. Not exactly fun that first week, but the non serious students have mostly quit attending. I've taught two weeks, and won't get the money for it for another 2 weeks or month. I've 3 weeks left to go.

I'm still waiting for what we teachers call extra duty pay. Department chair, junior class sponsor, etc. So I can't afford to renovate the tub, yet.

I am still pulling weeds & wild strawberries out of my yard, when it isn't raining so much that I would be sitting in puddles. The ground has been nicely moist & made this task easy, when the puddles aren't too deep.

That trip to San Francisco seemed to have been cancelled for me because I'm supposedly not teaching the Read 180 class next year, but Flirty, who doesn't teach at all still thought he was going when I spoke to him on the last day of school. So I was ticked off. Then yesterday I got an e-mail from the event coordinators telling me I'm registered to attend. But the district's travel office has no paper work permitting me to go... Go figure that one out. I've spent the morning sending e-mails to tell an idiot that if she authorized payment of $ 650 for my conference registration, then perhaps she should authorize the travel department to let me actually travel to the conference. I, of course, tried to keep my frustrated attitude out of the communication. Thus you all get to "hear" it.

I have been dancing 2 more times. There is an older SHORT man who has stood in front of me a few times as I have danced, both nights. I wouldn't say we're dancing together. He usually just comes to the dance floor and joins a group of women & pseudo-interacts with them. Some younger girls do move real close to him, & then his one basic move looks like he is dancing with them. I don't come in that close, though I try to match his style sort of/kind of for a while. His one basic move, which he repeats at varying speeds & even at an amazingly fast speed at times, is shifting from is left foot/toes to his right foot/toes. His arms are almost always bent at the elbows with his fists sticking straight out. If he were moving forward, you might think he was doing some serious jogging, except that his knees don't seem to bend. He wore shorts one night. Amazingly defined & taut calf muscles. If the rest of his body is as sculpted, he could be a fine sight to see. He has an engaging smile, and seems clean cut & respectful. I could very easily be mistaken, so far his only sentence, which was spoken last night, has been: "You're a good dancer." I thanked him for the compliment.

I am taking Melanie out tonight to join Beth at a singles club dance tonight. It will be Mel's first night out since her divorce, which was before mine, and my first time with this group. We will see how it goes. Neither Mel nor I are looking for a serious commitment, nor a one night stand. Something in between, or at least a pleasant conversation for the night is enough.

Ok, to be truthful, I do need a cure for my addiction to Flirty. But I really despise the idea of being perceived as seeming as though I "need" a man. I don't need a man. I just want to quit thinking about Flirty so much. If obsessed didn't have such a negative connotation I'd use that word. I got in the really bad habit of thinking of what I had talked with him about & what I would like to say to him the next time I saw him, that it is hard to think without it being a "conversation with him." Now, of course, he hears none of it since school is out, so would my brain please shut up & find a new task? a new pattern?

Perhaps if I write down information about the last conversation I can quit repeating it in my head. It has worked for me in the past, so why not again? So here is the last day of school. I wore a shirt I had forgotten I owned. The cleavage area has a flower design cut into it. Think of eyelet material techniques. No really good view, but enough to make a man think about trying to see if he could get one. I was rather certain, Flirty would notice & comment.
I had discovered that Janet was going on the conference, but I evidently wasn't. I was grumpy. I also was not looking forward to not seeing Flirty anymore. The building was hot & muggy & I still had work to do. I was grumpy. A breakfast at a restaurant had been arranged. I was one of the first there. Eventually Flirty came & sat almost across from me. He instantly perceived, I was not happy. He asked why. I mentioned the trip; he knew there was more to it than that. He invited me to come to his office to tell me more. The table got crowded & he & 2 other male teachers moved to another table to give the rest of us elbow room. So later, back at the building when I needed to empty my fridge & load it up, but wasn't ready to leave or eat my lunch yet, I took the last 2 meals I had to his fridge. He was on the phone & using his computer so I just left. When I finally had my last signature on the last form, it was lunch timeish. So I went up to his room. As I nuked my hot pocket & leaned against a window sill to catch the breeze he perceived that I was uneasy. He asked what was bugging me besides the conference. He didn't word it in a way I had practiced answering in my head, so I felt stuck. I had that I can't talk feeling again. Damn! I thought I had finished with that feeling. Now, I was ticked off with myself for that & for being so stupid as to have let myself fall for him. He noticed that my hands were shaking, & told me that it was ok, I could tell him what I was thinking. I told him that I was thinking I was really really stupid. He said something just right about owning my emotions; my eyes teared up, & I told him, "Let's just say, I'm going to miss you more this summer than I thought I would." (Now, I know you all know I knew I was going to miss him, but it is more than I thought I would. I never dreamed I would get angry, & teary-eyed, & closed-throated about it. Damn, I'm even tearing up now. How pathetic.) So anyway, Flirty said some more just right things. Including, "If my situation had been different, our situation would be different." I used some tissues as we talked. When I was "normal" again. He also mentioned the blouse & how frustrating it was to get a good view as he moved his head this way & that trying to see if there was a better view. I told him that I had found it when I was cleaning my room the night before, & had thought he would appreciate it. I like it because it is suggestive, but not flaunting. We exchanged flirty glances during the conversation. We hugged, & I left.

I must say this. I have never thought that the words that I love him or am in love with him. I am infatuated. I consider him one of my best friends. I trust him. But besides reciprocal feelings coming from him being missing, there is still something missing in what I feel for him for me to use "love" as in romantic love. We both acknowledge that our pheromes are aware of each other. I still just want to know him even better, I still just want to talk to him with no interruptions. & I miss him.

I also think it is the shits that I can contact any other friend of mine any time I want, but I can not contact him, which at this point is a good thing. And YES, I am aware that it is and always has been an important message to me that there is a wall created & maintained by him to define what we are not to each other. I even pointed it out to him the first time we talked about my being interested in moving beyond the flirting sometimes at work stage. What is ironic is that Beth, mentioned above, who is closer to him in age, almost sort of/ kind of dated him earlier in life. She has his number & knows his address & feels free to talk to him as a friend now & again. But we know it would be wrong for her to give it to me, so she doesn't offer, & I don't ask.
____
Technically almost an hour later. Beth called just as I finished the last sentence. She & I can talk for hours, but since I'll see her in 4 hours, we cut it short (45 minutes) this time. We discussed the benefits of her current relationship, even if it doesn't last; I my interactions with Flirty, even if we never talk again. To sum it up. We both know that we can feel interested in a man, again. We both know that a man can be attracted to us. She because of her age 60 thought she wasn't going to be attractive; I because of my basic low esteem & weight thought I wouldn't be. Flirty has never denied being attracted to my mind, personality, or body. He freely admits the attraction. His compliments & attention make me feel wonderful & confident.

Because of that I can look at men sitting at their tables at the dance club in the eye as I dance. I can invite them to join me... with my eyes & body language, if not my voice yet. And though a few emotionally creep me out with how they look at me; I also mentally know it is a compliment that I am attractive. I dance to the non-creepy ones, & I guess give the creeps a free show.... & NO, I DO NOT dance in those vulgar profane styles of the youth today. I'm more like that blouse... suggestive but not flaunting... a hint of the potential, but not flagrant.

I heard a quote of Edith Head that I shared with my daughter. "A woman should dress in clothes tight enough to reveal that she's a woman, but loose enough to show she is a lady." That perspective, if not the actual words, is my goal in my dress, my speech, and my dance. We women have it kind of rough. In our speech we tend to have the extreme categories of "mousy" & "bitch" to balance between. In our dress & dance: prude & slut are the extremes. It is hard as a girl to figure out where the woman/lady is in between those extremes because many men & society in general don't leave a very large gap any more, if they ever did. How to learn to speak our minds w/o being labeled a "bitch" is hard, because some men think that just because you dare to admit that you disagree is being disrespecful and bitchy.

What is not fair is that there is no equivalent degrading term to use on a man who is bitchy. A man might be a wuss for our mousy, or demanding for the other "extreme," which some perceive to be a compliment. We may even call him an ass or a pig or bastard, but they just are not as degrading nor as definitive. A man can be those terms because he's rude, crude, stupid, loud or obnoxious... but bitchy is stronger and worse than any of that. The only males I've ever heard called bitchy are gays, & the gay men seem to make jokes about being bitchy. Some even seem to rejoice in the ability to be so. I've never met a woman rejoicing in being called bitch.

This conversation reminds me of kids being "sassy." My uncle who is close to my age once reprimanded my cousin, who is my children's age, about sassing him. I didn't hear sass. I heard a question or a need for clarification. I some how found a way to discuss the difference between the two with my uncle. We've talked about several times since. It was a conversation that changed his parenting style forever.

I also have talked to my kids about how what they say could be mistaken for sass because of just a word or 2. I showed them the difference those 1 or 2 words, or that look in the eye, tone or posture made. My eldest two understand; my youngest needs a few more lessons, or he is being sassy deliberately.... another conversation to be had with him.

I wish it to be as easy to change society's perspective on women speaking their mind as not being bitchy.

I wish it were as easy to change my youngest son's attitude about bathing, homework and chores, too. Yes, I know in the case of my son that my attitude being changed might help the situation.... but his using a little soap & water, or pen & paper would help even more.

Well, it is time to eat, run some errands & get pretty... prettier ??? or more confident & less obsessed with my outer appearance??? for my evening out among society.

May God give you have the courage to speak what you need to say as strongly as needed, yet with the grace to be a lady or gentleman. May he give you the talent that what you say is perceived as you want it to be. May he give me these things, too. Amen

Take care.

2007-06-10T19:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

I would like to say that I am ecstatic that the school year is drawing to a close. I'm not. I'm actually very bummed out.

I would like to say that I am done entering grades. I'm not, but I can't do anymore from home.

I would like to say that Flirty & I have had a conversation uninterrupted by students, staff, or bells. I can't.

I did issue invitations for the August party-- early version, not late. My daughter moves into the dorms on the later weekend.

I would like to say that now that I've been out dancing that I have a new romantic interest & am less addicted to Flirty. I can't.

I know, I could have called Budd, but sorry. NO WAY. I could have given Jerry my phone number, but .... well, maybe if I talk to him at the club a few more times first. But seriously doubtful. He has a cute twinkle to his eye, but I wouldn't call him handsome in any way (oddly Budd is handsome). He does dance better than Budd. Oh, & I could have let El Salvador (don't know his real name) grope me some more this past Friday, BUT NO WAY IN H ____ ! We ladies had a rule that we couldn't say, "no" if a guy asked us to dance. When I came back to the table from dancing with him, I told the ladies, "We are changing the rule!" and so we did.

I did send/forward an e-mail about curing insanity to Flirty. I changed the last one from being something about passing it on to 5 others to going out for ice cream with me.... we'll see if that was useful. Come summer he won't have e-mail anymore, but thanks to the invitation he does have my home number & address. BUT I still don't have his. HINT HINT: I should catch a damned clue.

I really did think that if I got to know him better, I'd like him less. From the border/surface level, what do I have in common with a 60 year -old tattooed Harley riding guy who is becoming more long-haired & bewhiskered??? He says he's going for the ZZ Top look, but right now he's more of a Jeremiah Johnson. I like ZZ music. I like Jeremiah movie & actor. I'm not fond of the ZZ hair & beard length or girth, and I truly think he'll shave it back to the original mustache before the heat of summer hits harder. I like motorcycle riding, but I believe in wearing helmets. I really like his Bible reading, & compassion. I like how he manages money (Hates debt & is able to remodel house this year, and probably retire 6 years early next year, & travel, and buy donuts for lots of kids & lunch for a few.) That sounds bad, & I want to assure you that I am not thinking about spending his money... It's the philosophy of how to handle money so you can do what you want and not be in debt. We're educators, & if he can do these things on our kind of money, then he's got a head on his shoulders full of common money sense. I try to have that, too. Yes, I know I've got a couple financial head aches of my own right now, but I'll get it back together again. I like his politeness & sense of humor. I like his ability to enjoy a wide variety of things... ballet & opera, Broadway & rock concerts, motorcycles & poetry. I like his music choices; it is disappointing that he doesn't appreciate Bohemian Rhapsody. It is disappointing that he says he doesn't dance. And he looked puzzled when I said that I have no compulsion & never have had the desire to have pierced ears or tattoos.

Oh, well. It's not like I want to marry him, or share housing full time with him, or even co-mingle funds except for a trip or an evening out. The only thing that is truly on my incompatible list.... he chews tobacco. YUCK! GROSS!! DISGUSTING!!

Deep down though, his love of Jesus Christ, his compassion for the students & teachers, his sense of right versus wrong, & his sense of humor out weigh his faults that I have found as I've gotten to know him better. Who'd a thunk it? Not me. STUPID ME.

If nothing else from knowing him & talking with him, I have come to appreciate myself more & gain confidence. I've come to work through a lot of old emotional crap that held me trapped in the past. I lost 15 pounds, & gained muscle tone because I wanted to be able to accept an offer of a massage .... yes, I still want at least another 40 pounds to go away, but it will happen, even if the massage never does.

& Yet I hear the chocolate ice cream calling my name, loudly. Very loudly. As Scarlett says, "Tomorrow is another day."

May you with God's help work through all of your emotional past crap, gain confidence & still enjoy your ice cream.

2007-05-25T21:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones,

Busy, busy, busy still. Middle son's graduation from junior high, & formal dinner/dance done. Eldest daughter's graduation PARTY, done. Basic syllabus for the Advanced Placement Audit, done. Prom pictures back; almost 99% correct & handed out--Done.

Tomorrow--- my school's graduation, cleaning chores, daughter working 8 hours for PAY;
Sunday --- my daughter's actual graduation, & the minister's last sermon & dinner with relatives & the ex.
Monday -- custody of kids legally, but nothing actually truly planned, because I forgot I had custody... I'm so used to giving them up on Sunday's, I forgot it was a holiday. I want to plan SOMETHING. I am selfish & want them to myself.

Before Tuesday--- put in attendance & grades for students; then the last 11 days will be a BREEZE of faking it & just accepting late work. My students will learn & do work... but white boards, discussions, presentations... nothing new to actually GRADE... OK, I lie. My AP class has written analysis of novels to turn in.... but there are so few of them now with the seniors gone...It will be easy.

Though none of you have posted your advice, yet. Some did e-mail me. But an interesting conversation happened that I must relate.

Wednesday when I was in class, Flirty called me & it was not about a student, or to find out if the page for me to go to the office meant I was in trouble. No. He asked if I was coming to his room at lunch. If it were alright, I probably would... well, he wanted to apologize to me. He thought perhaps some of the things he had said were inappropriate. It had bugged him all night. I told him that he had said nothing that needed to be apologized for, but it was about time that one of our conversations kept him up all night, instead of me. I told him I would come up & we would try to talk then since I was technically teaching at that moment.

So I went to his room for lunch time. The usual chess crowd was there. Eventually, they had to go to class, but I did not. This time as students came & tried to get him to do things for them, he told them to come back later. Usually he just takes care of business, and lets them interrupt. So we talk between pseudo interruptions. At one point he said something totally innocent in context to some one, but my brain went to the gutter,, but I was silent as children & others were around.. He noticed, but didn't comment. Then he had a phone call & he was concluding it when he said, to the person on the other end, "I don't miss a lick." If any one else had been in the room they could have told that my mind went way down into the gutter, without knowing me. He of course saw my thought, but had to finish the call. When he was done he asked what I had thought... & what was it that made me think it? I told him his line, but not my thought, which since I did not share with him, I won't with you either

But anyway. He asked, " Why won't you share your ideas... are you not a woman who is now able to speak her mind?" My brain thinks quickly... is he still reading my blog??? or did I finally say this out loud to him sometime? My reply, "There are times in a relationship when a boundary has been established that makes some comments inappropriate." He then asked, "What boundary did you create?" "None. I have created no boundaries in our relationship." "Me? What boundary did I create?" he asked. I said, "You created a boundary when you said that you have a lady friend." "oh." "Now, if that boundary were to cease to exist, I would tell you about many more thoughts that I have had about you." Contemplative look comes across his face... then a teacher walks in asking to use his microwave. She never left, until the bell rang & I had to leave, too.

& that is the story of our conversations. Bells, people, jobs. Thursday I was gone. Today/ Friday he was gone. Last I knew he was flying to Myrtle Beach this weekend. I always had the impression it was with the lady friend, but he never came out & said so. He only mentioned the trip once a long time ago. And he is a very private person. He just doesn't ramble on about his life like ... me. But he talks enough you get to know his values, if you listen. For all his Flirty ways, and tattoos & Harley riding, he is very caring, Christian, and well educated with a very wide variety of experiences. Down to only one thing about him I don't like. The chewin' tobacco. He used to say he was giving it up & just tucking in mint tea... but when I called him on that, he said, "Well, it sounded good at the time." He does agree it is a nasty habit, & he won't fight a woman about the issue. But it doesn't look like he'll give it up for her either.

Oh, well. 11 days of school left. Maybe just maybe we can have one finished conversation of importance.

May the Lord guide you in knowing what's worth fighting for, and what's not, and help you to have the conversations you need to have.

Love to you all,
Pete

2007-05-22T20:14:00.000-05:00

Hey folks,

I guess my last few entries have been too long & too boring for any comments... ah, that's been my life. Except recently.

On the 4th two friends from work & I went to a place called "Funky Town." It is a dance club/disco whatever they are called now for old fogies like us. On the 4th we could not tempt men into asking us to dance, but the only married lady did attract the craziest as in uninhibited male dancer there. It was so much fun that on the 18th two of us went back. The married lady was going to come, but had to do mom things. It was again fun.

I even got to dance with a male... ok, old enough he can be called a man. From the finger holding up during loud music he could be anywhere between 51 & 66 years old. ( I have forgotten the order even though I only drank water.) & Polite enough I could even give him the possibility of being a gentleman. He looks like an older version of my first boyfriend ever... except shorter. Turns out "Budd" is "ex military"... Ray was just doing a 4 year stint.

I could make a short list of positives about Budd, but let me just say this: I don't want a guy who falls in love after 2 dances that he mostly spent watching my pelvis move. AND I would prefer to dance with some one who hears the faster beat & rhythm to music versus the slower rhythms. I have never danced so slow to fast music before in my life. I don't even know if I've danced that slow to slow music. No, he wasn't one of those slow dancers who just presses his body against you and barely moves. He was too gentlemanly for that. I could not find his beat/rhythm. I tried. I used to be able to match any guy's dancing... but this I could not do. He kept telling me to relax... I told him I was slow dancing for the first time in about 20 years. He said, "Let me drive" because I must have been leading, so I replied, "Then drive!" because he wasn't leading. Later he asked if he was barking up the wrong tree; I replied, "I didn't know I was a tree."

He tried to give me a condensed version of his life w/ his phone number. He asked only that I call if I come again to the place. He's nice enough I wouldn't mind talking or dancing with him again, so I accepted the number & said I would call if I came back. But I don't want my time monopolized by him, so I wish I hadn't. As I told him, the divorce is a ways in the past now, but I'm just now starting to step out.

You want to read something really shallow about me? If he were a better dancer, or even a faster dancer, I would be much more positive about him. As it is .... he's a dork. A sweet nice dork. & It sure is cool to know that I can move in a way that makes a guy fall "in love" after 2 dances of watching my pelvis dance.

What is kind of funny is that Flirty heard a little about the night from the co-worker. Her version of what she said was that I "got picked up." His version of what he knew was that a guy spent the night watching my butt as I danced. Flirty actually flirted with me today... the 2nd time in months and also in less than a week. He also admitted to having tried looking down my blouse before. I told him that I only caught him doing it once. He said, but you didn't seem to mind or move. I admitted that I had not. At one point he obviously was going to say something funny or flirty, but he stopped himself. I asked him why. He says I think too much about somethings he says. Which I must admit is true. Over all though, he was very inquisitive about my interactions w/ Budd & why didn't I like Budd more. Our conversation of course got interrupted.

The other flirty conversation was last week. I was hanging out in his office during lunch like I do frequently...too frequently... but I did not leave because it was my plan & I had no desire to go work. He said something about closing the door, taking a nap & starting rumors. I said I didn't mind rumors that were true. I don't remember the verbatim after that, but the door stayed open, and some kid we both know & are trying to help survive the year came in for advice.

Flirty told the kid that he doesn't give advice. I said, "that's true, he just asks you annoying questions that make you think it out for yourself." That is wise of him. I, on the other hand, do give advice. I usually give a few options to try. I ended up telling this young girl how I had learned a few things the hard way to explain where the advice comes from. Flirty quietly exited the conversation & moved to the far side of the room to do other work as the more personal sides of my life came out. But he heard. He has heard some of it before.

I know what I want to say if he asks me what I don't like about Budd again. I want to say that I happen to like some one else more. I learned recently that he still flirts with every one, but me. I am sooo stupid. Soo stupid. I should never go to lunch in his room again, or just happen to have an errand that takes me by his room during my plan again. 12 days of school & 2 teacher workdays. Then I'll stop, because I'm stupid & should have stopped months ago. Was it not just a few entries ago I said that I wasn't going to not speak my mind any more. Yeah, right. All who believed that were as gullible as I am stupid.

It is time for you to give your sage advice, readers. All who think I should spill my guts, let me know. All who think, I am doing the right thing by making him speak first or never, let me know too. All who think a summer out of sight will get him out of my mind, let me know. Any one who is stupid enough to think that a summer absent from me will make his heart grow fonder, come buy some seaside lots from me in Kansas I need the money to get my head examined.

May the Lord give you the fun and wisdom you need to enjoy your life.

2007-05-06T20:40:00.000-05:00

Hi again folks,

Did any one notice the name change? It used to say Optimistic Cynic. But that meant I was a cynic at heart... and I'm not. I am an optimist at heart who has lived long enough to be cynical at times.

Went to church today. Pastor asked us if we were authentic. Are we real? It reminded me of a student's email last summer that told me I was the most authentic teacher she had ever known. But then as I listened to the sermon, based on 1st Thessalonians 1:1-10ish, I began to wonder. Am I real like the Christians of Thessalonica?
Do I know that God is my father? Yes. God has been my provider, & comforter & creator. I've testified to that most of my life.
Do I know that Jesus is my Lord? My authority. Yes, I've used his teachings to guide my decisions.
Do I know Jesus is my Christ? the anointed one? Yes, I believe he was prophecy fulfilled.
Did I know Jesus is the Jewish word for Joshua or Jeshua which means salvation? My salvation? I think I forgot that one along the way.

If I had remembered that, why would I be wanting forgiveness from men of my past & myself? Would not knowing that God & Jesus have forgiven me, just because I want to be forgiven, be enough? Be even better?

If I knew all of the above, I would have God's grace & shalom in my life. I know I have the grace. But there has been a part of my soul that did not let the shalom in. For so long just having the grace was so wonderful, such a light unto my soul that I didn't realize the shalom wasn't really there. I knew I wasn't "at peace", but I just thought that if I got the right man, got the kids weaned & potty trained, just got back into a "real" job, just got out of a miserable marriage, just got the debts paid, just crossed a few things off of my life long "to do list"... THEN I would have peace.

I got great kids; I got a great job (yes, I know I complain about it, but it is so good now); I got freedom from the marriage. A man may be fun, but won't give me shalom. My "to do list" won't give me shalom. It might keep me busy and give me goals to strive for, but not shalom. Only God & Jesus can give me that, if I remember that Jesus is my salvation. If I embrace Jesus as my salvation.

So, am I an authentic Christian? I've been saying yes for longer than I can remember, but always with part of my soul heavy, tired & aching for shalom. There is a part I never grokked. Even as I type this, I wonder how do I give this aching to God & Jesus. How?

I spoke with a lady from church. I think I can call her a friend now. She was just a really nice acquaintance before. She prayed for the kids I've told the church about. She prayed for my school. She would always ask after them. She confesses her struggles to the congregation at the invitation. I just felt she would know what to do. She told me to talk out loud to God & Jesus about it all. I've talked in my head and written for decades, but I've never talked out loud. Well, today has been a day when I was always moving fast, like the poem in the previous blog says not to.... so I've still not done so. I ask for your prayers this week as I begin talking out loud.

There was more to the sermon...
Works of faith? That's the optimist in me; the part that knows God is my provider who will be there if I just take the first step of faith. I keep stepping & he keeps answering prayers & providing.

Visible labors of love? I think I do that, but not as often as I could. If I had done more, perhaps my marriage would have not just gotten better, but actually have been good. Perhaps my youngest son wouldn't have a huge chip on his shoulder. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.... I can work on this.

Steadfastness, perseverence, firm hope in the Lord Jesus Christ? Back to that again... I may be an optimist with hope, but I'm cynical too & forgetful that Jesus is my salvation.

Can people tell that I am a Christian by the way I talk? Well, by the way I write, yes. By the way I talk? Sometimes.

Can people tell that I am a Christian by the way I act? Sometimes, yes. But I am
certain that people who saw me Friday may not have been able to tell. Yes, I had on my cross necklace as a helpful hint. But... well, I hesitate to say that Christians can't dance & flirt. Because I think we can. I think we can even drink alcoholic beverages, & I didn't get drunk. I was not the lewdest dancer, and I did not use profanity. But I still think that group wouldn't have known I was a Christian as I was not stereotypical. But I think the stereotype is much more stuffy & prudish than God & Jesus intended.

Well, whether I'm right or wrong, I could improve in this, because I am not known as an example to believers & unbelievers far & wide. I'm not even certain every one I see at school everyday knows, and I know my neighbors do not. I barely even know them, let alone love them.

When I talked with the lady at church, I mentioned that I am not the girl, the victim, the powerless girl of my past. I am not she who used to use my first name as an identifier. I am Pete. or Ms. Pete to my students. I feel awkward around church folks & old friends & family who call me by my first name, because I am not her. Yes, she is still in me, and I couldn't be who I am if she hadn't been who she was.

I did not tell the church lady that if not for my past I could not identify with my suicidal students & friends. I could not relate to the bully & rape victims, or the women in abusive relationships that I meet. True, all of their stories are worse than mine, and maybe they think my experiences are petty compared to theirs. I did not get the physical bruises and violence. And I am thankful to God for his protection in that. I wish that I didn't have the emotional bruises, because I'm tired of waiting for them to heal. I'm tired of trying to make them heal through my own thoughts and actions. And so I will try this talking aloud and turning it over to God & Jesus. And if you have any other advice besides medication & $100/hour therapists, let me know.

I wonder if it is healthy the way I have renamed myself with the help of my students. I wonder if it would not be healthier to accept my young self & go by her name. But I really don't like the name, nor any of the nickname versions of it either, so whether it is healthier or not, I'm not going to for now. Just call me Pete. That is what people who meet me today call me. That is the person they know. Maybe someday I'll change.... It would be odd to remarry & still be called by a version of the ex's last name.

Hmm, did I just put remarriage as an option in my life??? On reflection, that doesn't sound good yet. But that is because I still see marriage as a cage for the powerless victim of my past. Some one would have to convince me that marriage can be empowering instead of powersapping first. Some one who knows each day that God & Jesus are important in our daily lives & not just Sundays. And it would be helpful if I finish growing up first. It's bad enough that many of my significant male relationships have used the phrase "You're too young..." [before they relented & decided I was just too appealing to care about my youthfulness anymore ;) ], now even I am telling myself I need to finish growing up.

On Friday, the bouncer/ID checker had to see if I was over 21... Yeah, right... the blonde dye won't even stick to the hair that is beyond gray. But maybe he was right: a part of me is still stuck at age 17, another part stuck at 21; sometimes I even get stuck back in elementary & junior high school when I feel the pain the school bullies caused.

Oh, dear... it's 10:30 & I've got to show some loving concern to my kids who are vegging in front of the tv instead of in bed where they belong... as do I.

May you know Jesus is your salvation & source of shalom.