Dear maybe imaginary audience,

First I started this on the weekend, & I've been editing & updating it since. It probably should have been just 2 separate entries.... why? Because....

I think too much, and I am a curious soul.

I could just be having a flirty friendship with a nice man... well ok, he seems nice. I quite honestly don't know him well enough to know how deep the niceness runs. But it is adequate to make me curious about him. Despite this lack of knowledge about him, he has been almost constantly on my mind since Friday. Lately I feel like he's a magnet in the building, pulling me towards him.

We work together & in my off time I have conversed with him this past school year. He has been the huggy flirty kind. He has playfully teased another man of being with his girl when I was talking to the other man. Flirty put his arm around me as he said this. I didn't & don't mind. I know some women who don't like it, but I understood that he is playful. I am accostumed to flirty men at square dances that I go to. Flirting is fun. He is fun. In other conversations he has invited me on a motorcycle ride come spring; he has pulled me in close behind him to demonstrate how conversations on a motorcycle are easy to have.... I have ridden on motorcycles & conversed before... I didn't need the physical example, but I didn't mind it.

He has talked about me working with him on his taxes. Now to my ex husband discussing money was more personal than sex.... I don't know where it ranks for Flirty, but sex was more personal to me than money.

Yes, I put sex in the past tense. Celibate since July of 2005, mostly celibate before then back into Fall 2004 when I decided I wanted a divorce. July 2005 is an anomaly in my marriage. I knew it was not wise; I told my ex it was stupid. I felt sinful about it.... but it was GOOOOD otherwise. Probably the best we'd had in 10 years or more. We were verbally being more honest with each other & mentally intimate as I told him how I found our marriage to be to toxic to stay in. Flirty asked me today, "How do you share a bed with some one for almost a year, when you know you want a divorce?" I truthfully answered that it was pretty easy for the most part because the ex spent many nights on the couch & the few times he came to bed for a reason he knew how to change my mood-- "sweet talk me" I called it. The 100% truth is that there was a part of me that still loved him. There might still be but it is much closer to compassion than marital love. He reminds me still at least once a month as to why I divorced him, as we communicate about issues with our children.

How can some one still love some one they know is poison to them? Well, how can an alcoholic still drink? An obese person still pig out? Some say lack of self respect; others say addiction; & the list can go on. My marriage had times in it that were truly awful. No, he didn't physically beat me, but did push me twice in the 19 years we knew each other. After counselling about 11 years ago it got much better, & in some ways it continued to get better. But one day I realized better still stank. I was afraid to talk to him. I was afraid of being insulted again by him. I was afraid of being rejected by him. I was crying & praying. I was in a closet as the Bible instructs, and was my custom when in a family of 5 I needed privacy. He did for the first time ever seek me out of my crying and ask me what I was doing. But then he told me that I was being childish. When I tried to show him the Scripture, he slammed the door in my face & called it Bullshit. I was done.

But I was still poor & in debt & ignorant of the steps to take. I also knew that hubby could go violent. I didn't need that scenario & neither did the kids. So I planned, paid off as much of our debts as possible & got informed. I bought household supplies & hid them with friends. I "cleaned" house & took stuff to the friend's. I secured important paper work, set up a mailbox & a safety deposit box. Eventually I responded to one of the 0 % credit card offers.

When he found out about the divorce lawyer, I was still one paycheck away from ready. I know I lied by omission. I made a promise in the summer of 1982 to not "in your face" lie ever again. I think I maintained that goal. I know I tried. I also know that I was putting my personal safety as a high priority.... so I may have not made it my goal. I still have the goal of never lying and I've added the lying by omission which has been my esscape route for ... for ever.

So there is my crappy "closetful" of history. From this history, I have learned a few things.

One: I am a sucker for compliments & apologies. The ex was good at them. I wish I weren't, but at least I know it about myself now. Now to learn the difference between sincerity & manipulative ones. Since I know the manipulative ones best, I am unfortunately still cynical of all.

Two: I am not going to marry some one whom I don't consider to be a true friend that knows the true me. The ex & I went from romance to sex to pregnant to married. We probably would have split within 6 months if I hadn't gotten pregnant. In order to avoid rejection, I tried to do things his way. I hid my true self, to please him. Then got upset when he didn't know me. How stupid?!

Three: I'm not going to live & act from a fear base anymore. Now, I work in an inner city school, so don't confuse fear with safety consciousness. I will continue to lock up my purse; I will think before breaking up a fight. I'm not going to be stupidly brave... ok. Got the difference? But quite truthfully I feel pretty safe in this inner city school. There are 2 boys that give me the creeps, and we women teachers have all but placed bets on which will be the serial killer & which will be a serial rapist.... but the boys don't actually DO anything bad to us. If you typed up the words they say, no man would understand....even some women wouldn't. But if you were there when they say what they say, you women would understand. I don't have a direct quote in the memory banks... but some of you women still know what I'm talking about.

Four: I want any future spouse I have to like books, dancing, & taking vacations where the journey is the goal, not the destination. I don't care which books, nor which music. It helps that my music tastes are eclectic. I've read everything & danced to everything, and not seen even a fraction of what I want to see.

Five: I don't really want a spouse yet. I can envision that I will want one eventually. Being alone sounds lonely. But for now I just love the freedom of doing what I want when I want, how I want.... Sort of like a teenager whose parents are out of town. & If you've read my previous entries you know that actually I don't live all that "freely." I have a job which takes up too much time, 3 kids and a dog.... and a conscience based in Christianity and all the historical biographies & novels w/ corsets laced tightly... to damn tightly. No, I didn't read enough of the smutty ones.

What I've not figured out, and have tried to since Flirty called me his Dulcinea on Friday is why I am flirting with him. Here is why the confusion.

1. I don't truly know him well enough.
2. He is a flirt & I've watched him flirt with other staff.
3. I know my psyche is probably still "damaged goods"; even though it feels healthier than it has in decades. No migraines, no near ulcers. I laugh & joke around now even.
4. My religion considers non-marital sex sinful... (the preacher insists we're all sinners anyway, if we try to keep all the moral laws... my brain & hormones want to play the game of "what does it matter, then" but my faith believes it does matter.)
5. I am rather certain from what little I do know of him that he is not someone I will marry.
6. Though he is not as old as my father, he is old enough to be my father.... But he is not personality wise much like my father.... ah shit... as I was about to make the list I realized some commonalities... reading, motorcycles, flirting.

But by golly, he sure is fun.

So why do people flirt if not for sex or marriage?
I know there are people who flirt because it gives them a sense of power over the other gender... those are the "conquesters" who drop you as soon as you indicate a wilingness to have sex, or do it. But I don't think I am one of those, I actually already feel empowered so I don't need to take other's personal power.

But then I wonder where my being a sucker for flirting & compliments ties in. Why do I have that? Habit? Lack of self confidence in the "pretty" & "sexy" world is much more likly. For 18 years of marriage, I'm surprisingly still rather ignorant. ANd because of 18 years of toxic marriage, 3 children & because of an extra 70 pounds gained from when I did feel sexy. Funny thing though. I was dancing a couple of weeks ago in the house as I did chores. The music was modernish. I have been practicing more modern dancefloor moves alone. My daughter who has taken lots of dance classes watched me. She did not say, "Oh, Mom, you really don't know how to dance." She said, "Oh, Mom, don't dance that way in front of me... you're my Mom. You're not supposed to know how to dance that way."... When asked what she meant... she said that as her mom I wasn't supposed to move my hips that way. So I guess I can move sexily enough to embarrass a 17 year old girl.

Now back to the original sentences. Why do I think too much? Because the average stupid non-thinking person would have just continued to flirt. I thought so much that I thought I noticed a change in the flirting on Friday, and I questioned why I am flirting. Usually we wonder what a man's intention is... & I am indeed curious about that too, but I wondered about my own.

So this morning I sent him an e-mail. He had asked me previously what the best pick-up line I'd ever had was. I remembered none when he asked. The e-mail said that his line about Dulcinea was ranking mighty high. I also said I didn't understand why I said some of things I said to him.

His e-mail reply said that I hadn't said anything to him that he hadn't opened the door for. When he asked me what the best pick up line I had ever had used on me, he mentioned that the radio was discussing it... Then he asked if I was familiar with the invitation to receive a back rub. I hadn't had it used as a "pick-up" line, but I know from boyfriends & hubby that it means the translation he gave it... "I'll rub your front side too." I forget how the next few lines of conversation went. That may have been when I refused to talk cuz my brain went into ultra risque. Later he said something about how I had refused him permission to give me a back rub. I told him that I did not say that, which is true; about then I was ready to let him rub any part of me despite my supposed morals. I could easily get back to that state of mind again. At another part of the day we were in a group which was flexing their various other language skills. Flirty said he couldn't twist his tongue around some sounds. I asked, "Did I hear you say you can't twist your tongue?" "No, that's not what I said," he replied with an slight blush & a "did she really say that" look on his face... but he was grinning. I meanwhile was thinking... Did I really say that out loud??? Was I really that witty & risque? & I was almost 1/2 expecting him to say something more. I know he thought about it, but we were in a group of co-workers.

This afternoon we talked. You should have seen his face when he found out my age. I think it would be accurate to say he thought/hoped I was older. It looked very similar to how I felt when I heard his age about a week ago. I think he was trying to put distance between us before that fact came out... get it back to friendly banter instead of ... awkwardness. But awkwardness was the key factor after that. Plus he doesn't think he's a flirt.

He keeps saying he's a gentleman. He does indeed have gentlemanly behaviors such as car door opening. But pulling a woman in close behind him to explain motorcycle conversations... that's flirty, not gentlemanly. Gentleman don't talk about rubbing front sides. Setting up conversations for double entendre's... sexual connotations... that's flirty, not gentlemanly. And as you can tell from above I've not been a lady, but flirty myself. It has been a lot of fun.

Now here's the shits of it all. He's fun. We weren't too different in age to notice each other. We weren't too different in age to be friendly. We weren't too different in age to flirt... ok so we mistook each others' age... but we still had fun despite it.... and now there is an awkwardness.

The true mess of it all is that I'm still curious about him. No, I don't rank my feelings up in the "crush" zone yet... & should probably be grateful for that.... But I am still curious, & I still want him in my circle of friends.... without the awkwardness, but I may have ruined that just by letting him know I thought about him all weekend and now today too.

Now if I am to live not out of fear of rejection. If I am to live out of truthfulness. Then mustn't I share this rambling crap with him? Chances are it will create more awkwardness.

Ok, there is a difference between living out of fear of rejection & being nervous as hell... isn't there? Could that be why "The truth shall set you free." feels like a lie right about now. The plan through this final editing... which added quite a bit from today was to give him the link to the blog in an e-mail. It's a lot to actually say during a work day in a work place with no guaranteed privacy--- is my official excuse for not doing it face to face.

Call me coward if you want, but it's about as brave as admitting to ex hubby that I wanted a divorce from my perspective. In some ways more so. I had to tell the ex in order to get safe. To be safe here, I just shut up, and move on. But damn it, I'm curious.