Talked w/ Flirty again today... actually got some talking done. Don't know if it is what he had in mind when he said we needed to finish the conversation, but he asked some probing questions, but mentioned the "other woman" too. They go to the same church.
He asked me what I was looking for in a man. I first told him that I wasn't certain as I wasn't really looking. He didn't buy the "don't know" part, I think I only said it because I wasn't ready for such a question & didn't have that "file" ready. So I mentioned the ideas in the other blogs. He thought they sounded good, but wondered about physical characteristics... "male." As we talked, I mentioned last year's prom experience & a guy from church who I've not seen since Christmas... He came a day I was ill & brought a fiancee... which I thought to be a rather sudden event.
Flirty claims to be very introverted; says he won't share much about himself... I've noticed. But here are some things he has noticed about women... that he doesn't care much for.
Some women act like they want men to volunteer to fix things in their house. He doesn't want to be their "handy man," even though he has the skills. I didn't hint. I claimed to need some help & have invited anyone & every one who has ever replaced a tub/shower to PLEASE volunteer. But because I didn't leave subtle hints in the conversation & because I am asking for assistance, not a service where he does it all, & I watch for free, I'm not like them.
He doesn't want the ones who order the most expensive meals when on a date... no problem here, I don't do that either.
He claims men are like Waffles & women like spaghetti.... I had him explain that one. Men think in columns & rows & can even go diagonal. They are logical. This I already knew. Then he says that men can have empty squares where they really truly are not thinking.... I've suspected men could do that. I know my mom could do that. But he says it drives women crazy & they try to interrogate men into admitting they were thinking about something when the men really weren't. I told him that I wish I could do that. I would love to be able to shut up my brain.
But to explain the Spaghetti, please? When you look at a plate of spaghetti, it is all intertwined. A woman will begin with a thought, but as she explains it, she will end up telling you about all of the other spaghetti that it touches. Men, according to him & experiences I've had myself, don't like to listen to all of the connections.... He says he can do it, but .... He's also learned that if he doesn't listen & just asks for the "short cut" version, he won't be getting any lovin'. I confirmed his accuracy. It is part of the need for intimacy. We gain intimacy through sharing our thoughts & feelings.
He stated that he thinks that I consider whether any one could ever be a mate & only date those whom I think could be. I stated that I didn't think I'd ever want marriage again, but that the future looks like it could be kind of lonely down the road with out some kind of someone. He said, "I said mate, not marriage partner." I told him that for the most part he was accurate; I've had exceptions before and possibly would again, but gave no details. ( Roberto comes to mind.... mmmm good. & I kept hanging around Chuckles long after I knew we weren't going to be anything labelable.... though we supposedly have a date for when we are in our 70's & living in nursing homes. But I think I'll let him keep his wife, if she lives that long & still wants him. A few other just once dates come to mind.) Makes me wonder how he goes about it all, but it didn't flow at the time to ask.
He suggested I try an on line dating service.... I'm not that interested in finding some one yet, & I'm a bit miserly. I'm more of at the stage of, if someone comes along... alright I'll check out the potential, but I'm not actively seeking.
I also explained to him, that there are times that some one perks your curiosity & you could just date them to get to know them better. But he says he knows w/in 5 minutes of that kind of date whether or not there is something there. I told him I was too out of practice after 20 years to figure it out that quickly... & I don't know if I ever was that perceptive. Usually I knew some one for quite awhile before dating ever began. Recently I just knew that guy at church made me curious, but we needed time away from church to actually talk ... after a couple of meals together I knew the 14 year friendship was just going to stay a friendship. (Hint Hint... Time away from school to talk would be nice.)
I mentioned that Church guy was from Haiti, so Flirty asked me if I was ok with interracial relationships. I said that it is more of inter-cultural thing that I believe won't work, not the skin color that mattered. If 2 peoples' cultures were too different, then it won't work. I have been known to say that I felt the ex & I came from cultures that were too different. We were both white & Christian, but I was small town work your butt off & he was big city spend your butt off. I was from "make do;" he was from "buy the best." It didn't work. Flirty saw my viewpoint, but he's old enough I bet some part of him is relunctant to give up the skin tone issue all together, or he wouldn't have asked. I abhor racism, but I don't know that I would call him racist. He shows too much compassion for the kids & co-workers in the building for such a label.
Working in an inner city school makes for hard to explain beliefs/behaviors in some people. 99.9% of the time you'd swear they weren't racist and then one hesitation, or one joke and... an inconsistency is seen. I've seen it in myself a few times in life. It's like a brain trying to fight an old fact with a new one. How many planets are there? (We counted 9 until recently when Pluto became some other category.) Did you know there are actually only 48 states? (2 of the usually counted ones are "Commonwealths.") Ever write the wrong year on a check? Type in a password that hasn't been valid for over a year? I think it is a somewhat similar old hard wiring issue, not a conscious decision, usually. Like a ghost image. If the inconsistency is pointed out, in a subtle or not so subtle way the person usually says, "oh, I didn't mean..." "oh, I didn't realize that ..." "oh, I'm sorry that it... " Of course I'm a white person making excuses for whites in most cases... don't know if people of other races would buy the rationale.
The students assume that because I grew up in a small Kansas town that it was full of racists. We had our share, but mostly we just had ignorance; we had stereotypes on tv. We had what our parents told us--wrongly or rightly. Remember back in the day when people believed the media & parents to tell the truth??? There were no other races there to educate us. By today's standard the town was full of racists, but by the standards of then.... a mixed bag of attitudes. By the 1980's, I admitted to a black friend that yes, as he walked downtown with me, eyes were watching out of curiosity, but that the shot guns he felt aimed at him weren't yet... he'd have to kiss me on Main street for that to happen. (I can never remember if we actually kissed or not, but he's still alive today to read this.) Usually some student in the class will point out that the assumption that my town was full of racists is racist & prejudicial itself. I do not.
The other day a student came in with a HUGE Afro... probably 8-10 inches all around. I told him, "I know this is going to seem odd & rude, but..." He said, "You want to touch my hair, don't you." I said, "yes, actually." He thought it was funny & gave me permission. One kid thought it racist, but I truly believe what I said to the kids. It's the same impulse I feel when I see a girl with a long ponytail... I want to flip it. When I see a girl with a spiral curl, I want to tug on it "spring" it. It doesn't matter the race. When my son gets his hair cut to a quarter inch... I like to rub his head... No, it's not a fetish... just a quirk, a silly impulsive affectionate teasing thing, but it looks racist when a white woman touches an Afro... Is it racist when my students touch my hair & check it out? How do I get it so straight & soft? No, it's just ignorance & curiosity. I'm a teacher trying to rid the world of ignorance, so I let them touch it, & I answer their questions.
Ok, I've done the spaghetti thing, and need to go to bed. Another night spent not grading papers. Shame on me. I did try doing taxes on line, but my hand done version gets me $600 more, so I'll just mail them in.
He asked me what I was looking for in a man. I first told him that I wasn't certain as I wasn't really looking. He didn't buy the "don't know" part, I think I only said it because I wasn't ready for such a question & didn't have that "file" ready. So I mentioned the ideas in the other blogs. He thought they sounded good, but wondered about physical characteristics... "male." As we talked, I mentioned last year's prom experience & a guy from church who I've not seen since Christmas... He came a day I was ill & brought a fiancee... which I thought to be a rather sudden event.
Flirty claims to be very introverted; says he won't share much about himself... I've noticed. But here are some things he has noticed about women... that he doesn't care much for.
Some women act like they want men to volunteer to fix things in their house. He doesn't want to be their "handy man," even though he has the skills. I didn't hint. I claimed to need some help & have invited anyone & every one who has ever replaced a tub/shower to PLEASE volunteer. But because I didn't leave subtle hints in the conversation & because I am asking for assistance, not a service where he does it all, & I watch for free, I'm not like them.
He doesn't want the ones who order the most expensive meals when on a date... no problem here, I don't do that either.
He claims men are like Waffles & women like spaghetti.... I had him explain that one. Men think in columns & rows & can even go diagonal. They are logical. This I already knew. Then he says that men can have empty squares where they really truly are not thinking.... I've suspected men could do that. I know my mom could do that. But he says it drives women crazy & they try to interrogate men into admitting they were thinking about something when the men really weren't. I told him that I wish I could do that. I would love to be able to shut up my brain.
But to explain the Spaghetti, please? When you look at a plate of spaghetti, it is all intertwined. A woman will begin with a thought, but as she explains it, she will end up telling you about all of the other spaghetti that it touches. Men, according to him & experiences I've had myself, don't like to listen to all of the connections.... He says he can do it, but .... He's also learned that if he doesn't listen & just asks for the "short cut" version, he won't be getting any lovin'. I confirmed his accuracy. It is part of the need for intimacy. We gain intimacy through sharing our thoughts & feelings.
He stated that he thinks that I consider whether any one could ever be a mate & only date those whom I think could be. I stated that I didn't think I'd ever want marriage again, but that the future looks like it could be kind of lonely down the road with out some kind of someone. He said, "I said mate, not marriage partner." I told him that for the most part he was accurate; I've had exceptions before and possibly would again, but gave no details. ( Roberto comes to mind.... mmmm good. & I kept hanging around Chuckles long after I knew we weren't going to be anything labelable.... though we supposedly have a date for when we are in our 70's & living in nursing homes. But I think I'll let him keep his wife, if she lives that long & still wants him. A few other just once dates come to mind.) Makes me wonder how he goes about it all, but it didn't flow at the time to ask.
He suggested I try an on line dating service.... I'm not that interested in finding some one yet, & I'm a bit miserly. I'm more of at the stage of, if someone comes along... alright I'll check out the potential, but I'm not actively seeking.
I also explained to him, that there are times that some one perks your curiosity & you could just date them to get to know them better. But he says he knows w/in 5 minutes of that kind of date whether or not there is something there. I told him I was too out of practice after 20 years to figure it out that quickly... & I don't know if I ever was that perceptive. Usually I knew some one for quite awhile before dating ever began. Recently I just knew that guy at church made me curious, but we needed time away from church to actually talk ... after a couple of meals together I knew the 14 year friendship was just going to stay a friendship. (Hint Hint... Time away from school to talk would be nice.)
I mentioned that Church guy was from Haiti, so Flirty asked me if I was ok with interracial relationships. I said that it is more of inter-cultural thing that I believe won't work, not the skin color that mattered. If 2 peoples' cultures were too different, then it won't work. I have been known to say that I felt the ex & I came from cultures that were too different. We were both white & Christian, but I was small town work your butt off & he was big city spend your butt off. I was from "make do;" he was from "buy the best." It didn't work. Flirty saw my viewpoint, but he's old enough I bet some part of him is relunctant to give up the skin tone issue all together, or he wouldn't have asked. I abhor racism, but I don't know that I would call him racist. He shows too much compassion for the kids & co-workers in the building for such a label.
Working in an inner city school makes for hard to explain beliefs/behaviors in some people. 99.9% of the time you'd swear they weren't racist and then one hesitation, or one joke and... an inconsistency is seen. I've seen it in myself a few times in life. It's like a brain trying to fight an old fact with a new one. How many planets are there? (We counted 9 until recently when Pluto became some other category.) Did you know there are actually only 48 states? (2 of the usually counted ones are "Commonwealths.") Ever write the wrong year on a check? Type in a password that hasn't been valid for over a year? I think it is a somewhat similar old hard wiring issue, not a conscious decision, usually. Like a ghost image. If the inconsistency is pointed out, in a subtle or not so subtle way the person usually says, "oh, I didn't mean..." "oh, I didn't realize that ..." "oh, I'm sorry that it... " Of course I'm a white person making excuses for whites in most cases... don't know if people of other races would buy the rationale.
The students assume that because I grew up in a small Kansas town that it was full of racists. We had our share, but mostly we just had ignorance; we had stereotypes on tv. We had what our parents told us--wrongly or rightly. Remember back in the day when people believed the media & parents to tell the truth??? There were no other races there to educate us. By today's standard the town was full of racists, but by the standards of then.... a mixed bag of attitudes. By the 1980's, I admitted to a black friend that yes, as he walked downtown with me, eyes were watching out of curiosity, but that the shot guns he felt aimed at him weren't yet... he'd have to kiss me on Main street for that to happen. (I can never remember if we actually kissed or not, but he's still alive today to read this.) Usually some student in the class will point out that the assumption that my town was full of racists is racist & prejudicial itself. I do not.
The other day a student came in with a HUGE Afro... probably 8-10 inches all around. I told him, "I know this is going to seem odd & rude, but..." He said, "You want to touch my hair, don't you." I said, "yes, actually." He thought it was funny & gave me permission. One kid thought it racist, but I truly believe what I said to the kids. It's the same impulse I feel when I see a girl with a long ponytail... I want to flip it. When I see a girl with a spiral curl, I want to tug on it "spring" it. It doesn't matter the race. When my son gets his hair cut to a quarter inch... I like to rub his head... No, it's not a fetish... just a quirk, a silly impulsive affectionate teasing thing, but it looks racist when a white woman touches an Afro... Is it racist when my students touch my hair & check it out? How do I get it so straight & soft? No, it's just ignorance & curiosity. I'm a teacher trying to rid the world of ignorance, so I let them touch it, & I answer their questions.
Ok, I've done the spaghetti thing, and need to go to bed. Another night spent not grading papers. Shame on me. I did try doing taxes on line, but my hand done version gets me $600 more, so I'll just mail them in.
posted by Pete | 9:05 PM
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