An update about Flirty:

We finally had a bit of time to actually talk about something other that work, but not much before the bell rang for my next class. Yesterday he asked me how my weekend went, or what I did. I told him that my house was nearing "company" clean when I realized that not only did I not know the phone number of the person I most wanted to invite over, I didn't even know what city he lived in , and that I possibly didn't even know his real first name. I looked him straight in the eye as I said it. You see his "name" is one that is usually a nickname for a wide variety of names that men don't like to share. He understood & said that very few people know his real name. So that was Tuesday... the bell rang, of course. Today, he asked if we could talk personally for a few minutes, after we had been dealing with a student matter. I said ok. He decided that after my comment about wanting to invite company that he ought to update me on where he was coming from. He admitted that he was tempted, and had even decided that since the ages weren't mattering to me, that he wasn't going to let it not matter with him. But... he used to be in a relationship & had been trying... off & on ...to mend it during the past 2 years. Well, he finally got a response from the woman that indicated that it has a chance of being mended, and he thinks he owes her the chance. He isn't trying to be a cad, & he does feel that we have kindred spirits.

Then of course, the bell rang for my next class. He did ask that we find time to talk some more about the topic, before I left his office.

So... where does that leave me? Well, I knew I didn't know him "well enough" before I cleaned one "more personal" room as well as I did.... but I didn't want to become embarrassed if I got to know him better first. I knew on Monday when I was shopping for less maternal undergarments, that I didn't know him well enough for him to see them, yet. I even knew that my chances of him ever were darned slim.... the last I knew he was freaked out about ages. BUT .... I am very glad for this experience.

1. I am a Woman now, not just a mom, not just a teacher. Not just an ex-wife, who was a convenient female.... yes, he knew how to get me "into the mood" & enjoy it... but ... I'm not ready to explain THAT all yet. I know that I can be tempting to a male. (Oh, sure a kiss at last prom should have given me at least 1/2 a clue, but I was in too much shock to get beyond shock... he is a friend, a confidant, of 23 years. Our contact has been scanty since then, but I learned recently that he reads this thing, so he's certainly scared off by my insanity by now. To be honest, converting him from confidant to lover is too wierd to me & we really don't have much in common except 23 years of talking & e-mailing. Oddly enough it's been mostly about my messed up life, & I barely know his life at all. Sorry, dear, but that is the truth.)

2. I know that I am ready to check out relationship opportunities... if they ever happen again.

3. I know I am still not ready for a marriage type relationship yet, but I know that I will want at least an occassional lover & steady companion....call it at least a "friends w/ benefits." The idea of not having a male partner of some sort sounds too lonely.

4. Yes, I'll probably still have moral conflicts about it without the marital ring, but until being "a wife" sounds more appealing, I'll have to just muddle through that issue. I didn't have a religious wedding the first time, so that isn't important, but the spiritually Christian relationship is. The legal wedding creates legal monetary ties. That wouldn't be fair now to anyone, & dangerous to my kids once my parents die.... So maybe a "hippy" type wedding is all that would happen.

5. Hmm, I forgot what it was going to be. Perhaps something about feeling pretty & confident enough to actually work at removing these 17 years & 70 pounds of protective covering... I don't need them anymore. I don't need to eat for comfort because I've been put down or humiliated. I don't need a reason for the ex to be repulsed by my size, so he'll leave me alone any more. Ok, so I might still eat cuz I'm lonely, but hopefully I only splurge when I'm keeping other people company. I do still have celebrating & an ice cream & chocolate vice/addiction. But if my only vices for now are being tempted to satisfy curiousity & lust & eating ice cream & chocolate, God can't complain too much, can he?... ah, don't give me that scripture about my body being God's temple. There's still ice cream in the freezer, & it's a flavor the kids don't like.

I think I will rest & sleep well tonight. I think my broken record of thinking about Flirty might shut off. Yes, I've one more "personal" conversation with him. And I've ideas of what I would like to say, as usual. But for now, he is just going to be a co-worker/friend, with whom it is fun to talk. It will give me time to get to know him, & he didn't say the old relationship is fixed. (Read that last line with humor, not crazy-hopeful or stalker or conniver tones, OK???)

Well, I've promised people I'd get stuff done tonight, that I haven't done. Who knows when I'll write next, since this "crisis" of insanity is passing.

Before I quit for the night, I must ask though that you pray for two students who are having real crises this week (which is why Flirty & I didn't have more personal talk time). Of course, I can't give names & all details, but let's call them Unloved & Probably Pregnant. God will know their names & all other students who face similar issues that need our prayers.

May you too know the experience of answered prayers.