Hi again folks,

Did any one notice the name change? It used to say Optimistic Cynic. But that meant I was a cynic at heart... and I'm not. I am an optimist at heart who has lived long enough to be cynical at times.

Went to church today. Pastor asked us if we were authentic. Are we real? It reminded me of a student's email last summer that told me I was the most authentic teacher she had ever known. But then as I listened to the sermon, based on 1st Thessalonians 1:1-10ish, I began to wonder. Am I real like the Christians of Thessalonica?
Do I know that God is my father? Yes. God has been my provider, & comforter & creator. I've testified to that most of my life.
Do I know that Jesus is my Lord? My authority. Yes, I've used his teachings to guide my decisions.
Do I know Jesus is my Christ? the anointed one? Yes, I believe he was prophecy fulfilled.
Did I know Jesus is the Jewish word for Joshua or Jeshua which means salvation? My salvation? I think I forgot that one along the way.

If I had remembered that, why would I be wanting forgiveness from men of my past & myself? Would not knowing that God & Jesus have forgiven me, just because I want to be forgiven, be enough? Be even better?

If I knew all of the above, I would have God's grace & shalom in my life. I know I have the grace. But there has been a part of my soul that did not let the shalom in. For so long just having the grace was so wonderful, such a light unto my soul that I didn't realize the shalom wasn't really there. I knew I wasn't "at peace", but I just thought that if I got the right man, got the kids weaned & potty trained, just got back into a "real" job, just got out of a miserable marriage, just got the debts paid, just crossed a few things off of my life long "to do list"... THEN I would have peace.

I got great kids; I got a great job (yes, I know I complain about it, but it is so good now); I got freedom from the marriage. A man may be fun, but won't give me shalom. My "to do list" won't give me shalom. It might keep me busy and give me goals to strive for, but not shalom. Only God & Jesus can give me that, if I remember that Jesus is my salvation. If I embrace Jesus as my salvation.

So, am I an authentic Christian? I've been saying yes for longer than I can remember, but always with part of my soul heavy, tired & aching for shalom. There is a part I never grokked. Even as I type this, I wonder how do I give this aching to God & Jesus. How?

I spoke with a lady from church. I think I can call her a friend now. She was just a really nice acquaintance before. She prayed for the kids I've told the church about. She prayed for my school. She would always ask after them. She confesses her struggles to the congregation at the invitation. I just felt she would know what to do. She told me to talk out loud to God & Jesus about it all. I've talked in my head and written for decades, but I've never talked out loud. Well, today has been a day when I was always moving fast, like the poem in the previous blog says not to.... so I've still not done so. I ask for your prayers this week as I begin talking out loud.

There was more to the sermon...
Works of faith? That's the optimist in me; the part that knows God is my provider who will be there if I just take the first step of faith. I keep stepping & he keeps answering prayers & providing.

Visible labors of love? I think I do that, but not as often as I could. If I had done more, perhaps my marriage would have not just gotten better, but actually have been good. Perhaps my youngest son wouldn't have a huge chip on his shoulder. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.... I can work on this.

Steadfastness, perseverence, firm hope in the Lord Jesus Christ? Back to that again... I may be an optimist with hope, but I'm cynical too & forgetful that Jesus is my salvation.

Can people tell that I am a Christian by the way I talk? Well, by the way I write, yes. By the way I talk? Sometimes.

Can people tell that I am a Christian by the way I act? Sometimes, yes. But I am
certain that people who saw me Friday may not have been able to tell. Yes, I had on my cross necklace as a helpful hint. But... well, I hesitate to say that Christians can't dance & flirt. Because I think we can. I think we can even drink alcoholic beverages, & I didn't get drunk. I was not the lewdest dancer, and I did not use profanity. But I still think that group wouldn't have known I was a Christian as I was not stereotypical. But I think the stereotype is much more stuffy & prudish than God & Jesus intended.

Well, whether I'm right or wrong, I could improve in this, because I am not known as an example to believers & unbelievers far & wide. I'm not even certain every one I see at school everyday knows, and I know my neighbors do not. I barely even know them, let alone love them.


When I talked with the lady at church, I mentioned that I am not the girl, the victim, the powerless girl of my past. I am not she who used to use my first name as an identifier. I am Pete. or Ms. Pete to my students. I feel awkward around church folks & old friends & family who call me by my first name, because I am not her. Yes, she is still in me, and I couldn't be who I am if she hadn't been who she was.

I did not tell the church lady that if not for my past I could not identify with my suicidal students & friends. I could not relate to the bully & rape victims, or the women in abusive relationships that I meet. True, all of their stories are worse than mine, and maybe they think my experiences are petty compared to theirs. I did not get the physical bruises and violence. And I am thankful to God for his protection in that. I wish that I didn't have the emotional bruises, because I'm tired of waiting for them to heal. I'm tired of trying to make them heal through my own thoughts and actions. And so I will try this talking aloud and turning it over to God & Jesus. And if you have any other advice besides medication & $100/hour therapists, let me know.

I wonder if it is healthy the way I have renamed myself with the help of my students. I wonder if it would not be healthier to accept my young self & go by her name. But I really don't like the name, nor any of the nickname versions of it either, so whether it is healthier or not, I'm not going to for now. Just call me Pete. That is what people who meet me today call me. That is the person they know. Maybe someday I'll change.... It would be odd to remarry & still be called by a version of the ex's last name.

Hmm, did I just put remarriage as an option in my life??? On reflection, that doesn't sound good yet. But that is because I still see marriage as a cage for the powerless victim of my past. Some one would have to convince me that marriage can be empowering instead of powersapping first. Some one who knows each day that God & Jesus are important in our daily lives & not just Sundays. And it would be helpful if I finish growing up first. It's bad enough that many of my significant male relationships have used the phrase "You're too young..." [before they relented & decided I was just too appealing to care about my youthfulness anymore ;) ], now even I am telling myself I need to finish growing up.

On Friday, the bouncer/ID checker had to see if I was over 21... Yeah, right... the blonde dye won't even stick to the hair that is beyond gray. But maybe he was right: a part of me is still stuck at age 17, another part stuck at 21; sometimes I even get stuck back in elementary & junior high school when I feel the pain the school bullies caused.

Oh, dear... it's 10:30 & I've got to show some loving concern to my kids who are vegging in front of the tv instead of in bed where they belong... as do I.

May you know Jesus is your salvation & source of shalom.