Shit hits the fan today

Ok, so ... a tough place to begin.... where oh where to begin.

I had a yearly physical on July 1st. My doctor kept noticing & mentioning that my last period was the first week of May. Yup, June did not happen. But I told her that I have one ovary that doesn't know how to count & that the other one kicks in when it is supposed to. Yes, it's been a long time since one was completely missed & not just a week or so late. So she said to me, "It it doesn't start this week, take a pregnancy test." Now this was after she poked & prodded me down there in lots of ways I'm not describing. I figure if a doctor can't tell, then I'm not pregnant. I'm just having the "bad ovary" month. When FBE asks how the appointment went, I tell him what she said, but that I'm not concerned.

But as the week progressed & the period didn't come, I ... wellI was going to take the test this morning when FBE & I woke up (I'm at his house), but I could NOT sleep. I had to pee at 12, gave up on sleeping through the need & got up at 12:30. But then at 2 I needed to pee again... Now I know these tests say take it in the morning assuming that you won't have peed for a long time come morning.... so I try again to stall, but at 3:15 am I was still stressed out so I got up finally & I took the test. Now whether 3 hour pee has enough hormone or not I didn't care any more. I needed SLEEP & wasn't going to get it until my brain was at rest. It said I am not pregnant. FBE asked me when I came back to bed if I was ok. I gave him the update & then we slept.

Now, to back up several hours. I arrived in this hamlet between 6:30 & 7 pm. I started to pull into his driveway because we do that to empty my stuff before we move the car farther away. He comes out shirtless & waves me away. I go to the gas station next door & finally figure out before I got out of the car, that his wife was across the street in his car that she drives since she wrecked her own. He called when the coast was clear. I came we unloaded the dog & left to get him some supper, check on his worksite & get me some pillows. She called around 9 because the youngest daughter left something in his house. He just tells her that he's out with a friend and that's why his vehicles are there... Oh, the barking dog that she heard? He is dogsitting for a friend. I tell him that these lies & half truth shit is shit. He just needs to tell her some truths.

At 10:50 pm WIFE pounds on his front door. The dog? He didn't bark until she was knocking... that's what kind of an alert dog he was last night. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut & let only him tell the dog to shut up. I knew it was her. I dressed in his closet while he dressed on the way to answer the door. He went outside to talk with her. He told her the dog story again.

About 10-15 minutes later she left. We talked some; we were really glad she hadn't been there 10 or 20 minutes earlier, cuz I had been making some loud noise at that time. We were settling down to sleep again, when she called. Why hadn't he let her in the house? Why didn't he introduce her to the dog? When he came back to bed, I told him that her inner gut knows the truth. She knows I was there.

Since I had only had 2 hours of sleep before FBE left for work, I did promise him that I would get dressed before his daughter came over this morning, but I wouldn't guarantee being awake.

WIFE called while he was dressing for work. I did not answer the phone, but I did carry it too him.

We have a daily devotional time. During the school year he reads to me while I commute. During the summer or when I'm off I read, so when I tried to call him for our daily scripture reading ( I thought Psalm 103 appropriate for the day), his phone was busy. I knew he was calling her or vice versa. About 20 minutes later we talked. The wife said that if she knew he had been going to leave that late, she would have come over in the morning to talk. (I'm really glad she didn't come over, cuz the windows were open by then & she would have heard me being noisy, which is why he left late).

Anyway.

After doing a few chores I came inside & laid down at about 10 til 8. The dog began barking at 8; I yell at him to shut up. There is knocking at the door. I go to answer the door, but realize it's probably WIFE, so I peak out. It is HER. I get where she can not see me through the blinds I had opened to let the air move better (air conditioner is broken, supposed to be fixed today). I very quietly call FBE & tell him. She knew he wouldn't be there; he has a job. She left. I closed the blinds. Thirty minutes later, She came back & POUNDED on the DOOR. & yells that she needs to talk to me. She uses my name. I just stay silent. My phone buzzed, it's FBE. She had called & asked him why a female was in his house. I am waiting for the air conditioner folks to come is what he told her. & Would I stick to that message & go ahead & talk to her. Because she insists that she needs to talk with ME & she won't leave until she does. The WOMAN IS POUNDING. I am NERVOUS. I delay. I peak out cuz she stops for a long time. She is on the phone with FBE. He calls me again. She knows I'm there, so just go on & talk.

When she is not right at the door, I walk out & pull the locked door behind me (keys in my pocket.) I sit on a brick flower dealymabobber that's edges the porch & is higher than the porch. I breathe calmly as I can. I feel myself shaking, but I see no evidence of it in my hands.

For ease of reading I'm going to color code her words blue cuz she was surprisingly calm voiced. My words... well I'm the sinner here so red... or because of my passion? But I too was very calm & civilized in my speech. If it stays black, I just thought it.

She asks why I am there. I tell her that I'm waiting for the air conditioner man. Why am I? Because FBE is my friend. Where was I last night? I was where I belonged & where I was welcome. So was I there last night? What does she think? What does she know ? I ask back. She says she doesn't know, that's why she is asking. I tell her calmly that she knows the answer, that's why she was here this morning when she knew he'd be gone. So why didn't I answer the door? It didn't seem wise as she sounded very angry, & I'm just here for the air conditioner man.

Now I 've lost the memory of the order of the rest of the conversation, but here are some things she told me & some of my responses.

Didn't I know that they were trying to work it out & were going to counseling? I knew they had counseling in the past & that she was still going. I knew that she thought she was trying to work it out. Didn't I know that he had been going these last two months & their last session was just 2 weeks ago? No I did not. I did want to say that I talked to him 4 times a day at least & that I knew when he saw her, but I didn't.

Did I know that he has told her that I am in his past; that he's told me to stay away & that we're over with? No. He had NOT told me that, EVER. Did she not notice that he would have had to invite me to his house to wait for the air conditioner man? & he didn't even ever say anything like that when I broke up with him decades ago. But I kept those to myself.

Did I know that he says he loves her every day? I know that he has lots of agape & compassion for her. Did I know that he sees her everyday? Yes, because then he gets to see the kids whom he misses very much. (I so wanted to tell her that he tells me that he loves me several times a day; that he talks about marrying me every day, BUT I did NOT.)

Didn't I know that she loved him ? Yes, I know that she believes that she does. But does love berate the other person? & put him down? Does love suspect him of pulling a gun & calling the police. Get a stringent restraining order? Give permission to shower, but then let him end up in handcuffs, not let him see his kids? Does love make one turn others to despising the person? Does love make the other person feel unloved, disrespected, not honored?

Did I know that he had been suicidal before? yes, because he had been berated & felt unloved disrespected & not honored.

How did I know that she did those things? He told me, the kids told me & I heard her do it. When? How? She was talking to him on the phone. & I thought, Oh shit. I shouldn't have mentioned the kids & the phone.

When did this thing between us start? After he filed for the divorce in October, but I knew that first day with in the first 20-30 minutes that he was planning the divorce. Why didn't I stay away? I did stay away at first. But he called. I gave him advice on how to stay married, the love languages, counselling, & other ideas. I told him how awful divorce is & how it is expensive. I tried to talk him into staying married. Later when he asked I gave him advice that every woman is given when she wants a divorce. Of course he didn't follow my advice and then she did everything I told him to do. Such as? Change names on accounts, credit cards, get the restraining order, etc.

I was told that she knew that he was with me when my dad was dying, right? But he couldn't come to the funeral because he had to go to court. It was the day the divorce could have been final.
Didn't I know that divorces take a long time? They take 60 days. I repeated that 3 times as she asked questions about divorce. She said something that indicated that she thought my divorce was really new, or still in process. I corrected her & said that it was a few years ago.

Why did I get involved when I knew he was married? I knew he was divorcing & I wanted an old friend back. I met him when I was 12. He was my best friend & I was in love with him. I broke up with him because I was afraid. I was afraid I wasn't grown up enough for marriage so I ran away to college. But I cried & was depressed & almost committed suicide over my breaking up with him. At first I just wanted to apologize. I had wanted to do that for over 20 years. I had written him letters to apologize that I never mailed because I couldn't find his address; I would look through the phone book for his number so I could apologize. After that I just wanted an old friendship back, nothing more. I even told myself & my friends that I should avoid him until he was divorced completely.

Why didn't I? Because he called. & she should ask HIM why.
Why did I stay involved? Why was I committing adultery? She should ask Him that. Oh, I was tempted to say that it is because I had never known sex could be that AWESOME, but I didn't.

Didn't I know that he goes to church with her? Yes, but he goes to church with me too. He travels what 2 miles tops to go to church with her; he travels 190 miles to go to church with me. She looked surprised about that. So I said, you know he visits me. You knew he was at church with me, that's why you went to 4 churches looking for him. If she knew that he was with me, then why did she go looking? Because she doesn't want to know what her soul knows deep down. Because its easier to deny it than accept it. I was tempted to point out that he is with me at church at least every other Sunday, & actually more often than that. She said something about that explaining his high gas bills.

Why don't I accept that they are still married & not work to make him want the divorce? She should ask him that. & I have told him in March to decide whether he had passion for her or compassion? Was he missing the family or missing HER? Did they have the ingredients of love as described in Corinthians Chapter 13? Did they have trust? Patience? etc. She told me to re-read it myself. I almost have the fool thing memorized from having read it for myself, for MY EX & for FBE, but I didn't say that. I was just silent.

So why didn't I stay away? She should ask Him.

Did I know that the Youngest daughter says I wanted to be her mother? I never initiated such a conversation. But she is a delightful girl, & I wouldn't mind being her stepmother.

Did I know that the kids say that I want to marry FBE? It is true. I would like to marry him. BUT I did not say that he has proposed, or planned to marry me or nothing about what I think FBE thinks of marrying me.

How did I feel about trying to justify adultry? & sitting beside a married man in church? I know that my sins are forgiven & washed away, & that being with him feels right. Didn't I know that we are to walk away from our sins? I remained silent.

Did I know that the kids were just a mess & all torn up last night ? I remained silent at first to that. I wanted to say that I knew & that they've been on my prayer list since that first meeting. Sometime along the way I did say something about how I knew that the length of the divorce process was hard on the kids, but that at first they had supported the divorce & that had been a reason I did not stay away & I did give FBE advice when he asked for it.

Did I know that a woman willing to be with a married man needed counseling?... or something like that asked with much compassion. Been there, done that. & I'm the happiest & healthiest I have ever been, and besides I expected the divorce to be over with LONG ago, because they only take 60 days.

Didn't I know they were trying to work it out? Then why was FBE still living in this house? Why hadn't he moved back in if he was wanting to stay married? I asked back.

There were times when she told me I was being evasive. I told her I knew that, but that some things she has to be told by FBE, not me. I wasn't going to lie to her.

Most of the time she spoke very quietly... we were on the Main drag of this hamlet, with a gas station & two churches with in breathing distance. She did not cry. She even once said something about having had great respect for me & my family all these years. She knew that I was raised the same way she was; that I was raised to know that my relationship with FBE was not right. I just reminded her that we did not start the relationship until after he filed for divorce & that I had never expected the divorce to take this long, or for me to have this role.

Somehow along the way, she decided from what I said that he & I became intimate, shall we call it, or at least not just friends somewhere around March. I let that just be misunderstood, because I NEVER admitted to sex. I did admit to loving him. Did I really believe that he loved me & that he & I would get together? That was another thing she would have to ask Him.

Anyway. After about 40 minutes of this she had to leave for work & I still was going to wait for the air conditioner man... and I still am. Immediately after she left I called FBE & told him that I had tried to hold the line about the aircondtioner man, but she asked lots of questions & I wasn't going to lie to her. I had not blabbed all the details. I told him that he was going to end up doing a LOT of talking today... to her & me. Why? Because she said that you 2 still are in counselling & that you tell her everyday that you love her & that you are trying to reconcile with her and when asked I told her that you have never told me that I am to stay away & oh, yeah, somewhere along the way I told her that he only had to drive a mile to go to church with her, but he drove 190 miles to attend with me.



(I mean the lady needs to think about this... If I am to stay away, why am I the one waiting for the air conditioner man? No I didn't say it outloud to any one yet.)


Got to go... oldest daughter is here.

___________________________

So I'm back. I've edited & color coded. The air conditioner man never came. I suspect that he was never scheduled to be here today. I don't know. I was assured that FBE talked to the rental management folks & the air conditioner folks today that we were on the end of today's to do list & he'd get here if he could. It sounds like one of his 1/2 lies he tells her. I'm not happy.

After work he supposedly had a meeting with the lawyer. He supposedly had a "side job" of building/fixing some steps for a woman who had surgery. He's still not home. We talked on the phone. He said the Wife was coming to where he was working & wanted to talk. I asked him if he wanted to hear my version of what was said. Yes, that would be helpful. So I basically read this to him as it was in front of me any way for editing. I was going to leave a note telling him to read it before waking me up, but now I don't have to. Yes, I still haven't slept. It was 90 something outside today. The house has no air conditioning, still.

I can hear some of you asking why I stay. If I know he does 1/2 lies to her. & with the things she says he does & plans with her. Well, first she has some faulty logic. Her story doesn't add, up & if she listened to herself, she'd know it. I suspect her of some lying. His 1/2 lies to her... I understood his stategy; I have told him to stop; I never caught him actually doing it to me. There were some times I think I caught him thinking about doing it, and I called him on it . He told me the truth. Yup, we have some talking to do tonight. When he gets home.

So to close. If you know that eventually the shit is going to hit the fan, stay away from it. I knew I should have. I still have faith that it hasn't all been lies to me... the miles he has driven, the money he has spent, the compassion and passion he has shown Plus he told his brother & nephew of his plans..

D