Dear Ones,
Here it is almost the 2 year anniversary of me starting this blog; it is the 2nd anniversary of owning this machine. I thought that I would blather about the world, but all I've done is blather about my life. I used to know what was going on in the world of politics & economics, but I know nothing about Obama or Huckabee or McCain. Can't help knowing something about Hilary... hmm she's a first name, they are last names. Not quite fair there is it?
This year my excuse for ignorance is that I live in Kansas. Now that doesn't mean Kansans are ignorant. What it means is that our primary is in August a week or days before the conventions. It means we only have 5 electoral votes. It means everybody expects us to go Republican, so NO ONE comes to campaign here. When the Democrats came through town 4 years ago around midnight, we were shocked. They were also shocked because of how many came out then, & so came back to talk during daylight hours. I live in the only Kansas town that could have voted Perot in a few decades back; it's also one of 3 cities in Kansas that vote Democrat in federal elections. If electoral votes were proportional instead of all or nothing, these three cities' voices might be heard... they are 3 of the largest in Kansas. But as long as we independents & the Democrats feel unheard in this state it is easy to say & feel, "What's my vote matter?" I suppose there are other states with similar situations.
So after 2 years there's probably my first political statement other than the posting of the e-mails my brother & I shared regarding the Iraq War when it was starting. And so now...
Back to blathering about life.
Did I tell you I wrecked my car before Dad died? Driver's front bumper kissed a cement median on a main highway during a snow storm. $500 deductible... "Ouch," saith the pocket book. It got fixed after the funeral.
Picked it up the Friday night before Christmas & left with in 30 minutes for my Mom's. Of course, I saw FBE at Mom's before we were completely unpacked. Actually, met up with him at a gas station not far from where he was staying & the laundromat he was actually at when I got off the turnpike. While we were at the gas station hugging, his wife & two kids drive by on their way to a late movie. We didn't notice & according to 10 yr old daughter, wife didn't notice either, but the daughter did. She thought it was funny to see us & for her mom to not notice. She somehow let her brother notice us too. He says he almost hit her, cuz he didn't want the mom to notice.
Wife knows I exist now. We were spotted at a church together by some of her relatives on the 30th.. It was a known risk. We went to 3 different churches in the area together between December 13 & New Year's. We saw people at all three churches that knew one or the other or both of us. We went to a shopping mall, Wal-Mart & Target & the nursing home. We were seen by people that knew him at them, and when they stopped by Mom's house. Heck, his daughter's ex-boyfriend's mom works at the mortuary & saw us on the 13th. A relative of FBE's wife was at the mortuary, but our paths did not cross... just saw his vehicle.
When they went to a mediator because the divorce could not be finalized because she won't share the kids, her first words to him were asking how I am. I was fine as far as he knew. But she didn't ask more. The 10 yr old did ask wife's mother if they could make cookies for me cuz my Dad died. The grandma said no. I would suppose that would have made the wife know that the daughter has met me, but I'm not so certain she's all that smart. She has not asked the children. She has not implied such knowledge to FBE. Heck, even though I spent two days helping him move & clean his new house & then another weekend hanging sheetrock at his new house, I don't think she knows I've been there to stay. I don't think she realizes he has stayed here. I personally think FBE & I are naive not to think she knows, because we can't in our hearts believe that she doesn't. BUT evidence seems to indicate that she doesn't. At the mediation & through the pastor she has picked on him for checking out women through an online dating service last summer & his viewing some porn off & on, and the chance that the kids might be unsupervised with his cable TV & computer, but she hasn't said a thing about my being around, which to me is a much bigger deal.
Why do you ask? Well, he told her that if there marriage didn't improve he would start looking for something better. It didn't get better, so he started looking. She wouldn't give him sex, or show any interest in it, & he's a man; men in general are visually stimulated, so he gave online porn a look. My ex viewed a lot of porn. I did not like it that he did, because I was willing to have sex. I was there; he could have had a live woman, but he preferred "memorex" instead, I guess. I will admit that I quit initiating sexual encounters long long ago, but that was because if I started it, he thought that meant I was ready to just do it. Whereas I thought that when I started it, I thought it meant I was ready to play around & get around to doing it after awhile. I didn't talk to him about it. I should have. FBE & I have talked about it, months ago.
FBE is a person who will tell you if there is a problem. He will tell you that something is wrong. He will say what he wants to change. He will tell you what the consequences of your actions will be. He will also stay married a heck of a long time trying to give a wife time to live up to what she says she'll do. He asked to be heard. He asked to be given respect. He asked how to please her in the marriage & in the bedroom; he even did research to find ways to please her when she had no answers. Nothing seemed to help him help their marriage.
So no, it doesn't bug me that he did online searching or porn. I know he doesn't do them now. I also know he has the cheap cable that doesn't have many channels for his kids to avoid. Furthermore, his son is old enough that I suppose he's probably seen a naked woman by now & has a clue from the farm work he does of how it all works. His daughter is 10, & I'd rather her not be educated/scarred quite yet, but the way his house is set up, it would be darned near impossible for either kid to see something on TV or on the computer that is inappropriate while he is home. Yes, if his wife would trust the kids like he & I do, they could be alone at his house for about an hour after school before he gets home from work. But big sister is willing to supervise them then before she goes to work. She is 18; whatever she wants to see is her business. So anyway, FBE has put a covenant eyes program on the computer so the pastor can monitor what is seen on it & the e-mail subject lines, but not the actual content. He did this to appease a woman he is trying to divorce.
Yes, I would be more upset about my husband bringing another woman into the house when my kids were there, even if it weren't my house. I did in fact not like it when my ex had a girlfriend. I did not care what they did when the kids were here. I did care what they did when the kids were there. I did not like it that she was cooking my kids' lunch. I did not like it when she sat closer to my kids at a funeral than I did. I did not care how close she was to the ex.
So, am I a hypocrite by letting him stay here when my kids are? Am I a hypocrite by staying there when his kids are? Maybe. I do know something I am a hypocrite about. I think people should not commit adultery. Technically he & I are. Biblically, I am even when he is divorced & even if we marry each other. But I don't care. I did not cause his marriage to collapse. I was just there when he gave up pretending it was still a marriage. I love him. I plan to marry him. He loves me. He plans to marry me.
& yes, we both find it handy that our faith in Jesus Christ absolves us from any sins our relationship causes in God's eyes. We have read Jesus' words that Moses gave the law allowing for divorce because we humans are so hard to teach/ that we have hardened hearts, but that God didn't intend it that way at the time of creation. We know that according to many Christians Adam & Eve made us all sinners just by existing. ( I don't know that I accept that.) We know that in Biblical times a man just had to say "I divorce you" three times & it was over. We have noticed that the modern legal system takes longer, but we did not get together until the modern legal process was started. (Ok, so it was actually just hours after the divorce petition was actually filed; that was a spur of the moment decision, & we weren't planning on doing so for awhile.) We have read Paul's words that say that a woman's remarrying after divorce is adultery. We find it odd that a man's remarrying after divorce is not so labeled. It just doesn't seem fair that the ex & FBE can remarry w/o committing adultery but I can't. I also know that because my ex has been with another woman, that I am free of my responsibility to that relationship. & Hey, his wife will be free to remarry too, if she would want to. We appreciate Paul's words that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. We truly appreciate that it is faith in Jesus Christ & God that gives us salvation & not the Law.
Yes, I can hear some Christians now saying that we have manipulated our understanding of the Bible & the law to "justify" ourselves. Probably so. I started doing such things when I was first tempted by pre-marital sex. Four boys owed my father 30 silver coins, but since I wasn't living with my father I figure the meals & movies & gifts the boys gave me more than paid that debt. & I thought of myself as engaged to 2 of them, actually married one of the two. I knew I wouldn't ever marry the other 2. The other 2? One was a one night stand with a past boyfriend; we had seen each other for 2 years & never done "it." Then we had our one & only actual date about 2 years later. It was sort of like crossing off a list before moving on with our lives. The other? Pure ego boost for both of us. He was the handsomest guy I ever dated. A pure Latin lover hunk. I was his tall thin kind of wealthy blonde with hair to her waist. When I look back at my pictures from then, I realize that I was quite the catch. I didn't realize it then.
I've shown FBE photos from summer of 85, when I was still a virgin. I told him that I may have looked good, but I was a true emotional wreck then. I was about as mentally unstable as a girl could get... except that I went off the deep end for certain spring of 86. I should have been on meds. It was as I was putting myself back together again in fall 86 & spring 87 that the one night stand & the Latin lover happened. Met the ex right after that, when I was certain that I was over all past loves. When I was certain that I did not need a man in my life to be complete... Wish I had kept on moving forward a little longer sometimes, but I love my kids. Ah well, FBE married in May or June of 87.
He was the only ex, I didn't revisit before my "moving on." He would have been unmarried still at that time. I wonder now, what if I had. I looked for jobs in the area & was sort of willing to move there. I didn't trust myself to teach in a big city, or I could have gotten hired down near there. Would I have been mature enough to accept him, or would my old fears of a poverty ridden life resurfaced? (Heck, I was impoverished. I lived in the feared trailer house & I ate left overs off of customers' trays at Wendy's. Would have done it at Mc Donald's too, but the set up of the building didn't give me the privacy I needed to do so.)
Would we have been mature enough to have made a good marriage? I had learned to talk; I had not learned to fear & be submissive yet. FBE & I both had "eager to please" personalities when we first married. Whose would have become dominant? Is there a dominant one now? I don't feel dominated. I don't feel as though he is submissive to me, though I feel a little bit on a pedestal. I admire him & his talents. I wonder if he feels like he's up on a pedestal just a bit.
Ah, the phone rings.... so I asked him. He doesn't know who would be the dominant of us two, but he has never felt like he's on a pedestal.
So now I really need to get back to chores since it is after 4 pm already.
Take care,
Pete
Here it is almost the 2 year anniversary of me starting this blog; it is the 2nd anniversary of owning this machine. I thought that I would blather about the world, but all I've done is blather about my life. I used to know what was going on in the world of politics & economics, but I know nothing about Obama or Huckabee or McCain. Can't help knowing something about Hilary... hmm she's a first name, they are last names. Not quite fair there is it?
This year my excuse for ignorance is that I live in Kansas. Now that doesn't mean Kansans are ignorant. What it means is that our primary is in August a week or days before the conventions. It means we only have 5 electoral votes. It means everybody expects us to go Republican, so NO ONE comes to campaign here. When the Democrats came through town 4 years ago around midnight, we were shocked. They were also shocked because of how many came out then, & so came back to talk during daylight hours. I live in the only Kansas town that could have voted Perot in a few decades back; it's also one of 3 cities in Kansas that vote Democrat in federal elections. If electoral votes were proportional instead of all or nothing, these three cities' voices might be heard... they are 3 of the largest in Kansas. But as long as we independents & the Democrats feel unheard in this state it is easy to say & feel, "What's my vote matter?" I suppose there are other states with similar situations.
So after 2 years there's probably my first political statement other than the posting of the e-mails my brother & I shared regarding the Iraq War when it was starting. And so now...
Back to blathering about life.
Did I tell you I wrecked my car before Dad died? Driver's front bumper kissed a cement median on a main highway during a snow storm. $500 deductible... "Ouch," saith the pocket book. It got fixed after the funeral.
Picked it up the Friday night before Christmas & left with in 30 minutes for my Mom's. Of course, I saw FBE at Mom's before we were completely unpacked. Actually, met up with him at a gas station not far from where he was staying & the laundromat he was actually at when I got off the turnpike. While we were at the gas station hugging, his wife & two kids drive by on their way to a late movie. We didn't notice & according to 10 yr old daughter, wife didn't notice either, but the daughter did. She thought it was funny to see us & for her mom to not notice. She somehow let her brother notice us too. He says he almost hit her, cuz he didn't want the mom to notice.
Wife knows I exist now. We were spotted at a church together by some of her relatives on the 30th.. It was a known risk. We went to 3 different churches in the area together between December 13 & New Year's. We saw people at all three churches that knew one or the other or both of us. We went to a shopping mall, Wal-Mart & Target & the nursing home. We were seen by people that knew him at them, and when they stopped by Mom's house. Heck, his daughter's ex-boyfriend's mom works at the mortuary & saw us on the 13th. A relative of FBE's wife was at the mortuary, but our paths did not cross... just saw his vehicle.
When they went to a mediator because the divorce could not be finalized because she won't share the kids, her first words to him were asking how I am. I was fine as far as he knew. But she didn't ask more. The 10 yr old did ask wife's mother if they could make cookies for me cuz my Dad died. The grandma said no. I would suppose that would have made the wife know that the daughter has met me, but I'm not so certain she's all that smart. She has not asked the children. She has not implied such knowledge to FBE. Heck, even though I spent two days helping him move & clean his new house & then another weekend hanging sheetrock at his new house, I don't think she knows I've been there to stay. I don't think she realizes he has stayed here. I personally think FBE & I are naive not to think she knows, because we can't in our hearts believe that she doesn't. BUT evidence seems to indicate that she doesn't. At the mediation & through the pastor she has picked on him for checking out women through an online dating service last summer & his viewing some porn off & on, and the chance that the kids might be unsupervised with his cable TV & computer, but she hasn't said a thing about my being around, which to me is a much bigger deal.
Why do you ask? Well, he told her that if there marriage didn't improve he would start looking for something better. It didn't get better, so he started looking. She wouldn't give him sex, or show any interest in it, & he's a man; men in general are visually stimulated, so he gave online porn a look. My ex viewed a lot of porn. I did not like it that he did, because I was willing to have sex. I was there; he could have had a live woman, but he preferred "memorex" instead, I guess. I will admit that I quit initiating sexual encounters long long ago, but that was because if I started it, he thought that meant I was ready to just do it. Whereas I thought that when I started it, I thought it meant I was ready to play around & get around to doing it after awhile. I didn't talk to him about it. I should have. FBE & I have talked about it, months ago.
FBE is a person who will tell you if there is a problem. He will tell you that something is wrong. He will say what he wants to change. He will tell you what the consequences of your actions will be. He will also stay married a heck of a long time trying to give a wife time to live up to what she says she'll do. He asked to be heard. He asked to be given respect. He asked how to please her in the marriage & in the bedroom; he even did research to find ways to please her when she had no answers. Nothing seemed to help him help their marriage.
So no, it doesn't bug me that he did online searching or porn. I know he doesn't do them now. I also know he has the cheap cable that doesn't have many channels for his kids to avoid. Furthermore, his son is old enough that I suppose he's probably seen a naked woman by now & has a clue from the farm work he does of how it all works. His daughter is 10, & I'd rather her not be educated/scarred quite yet, but the way his house is set up, it would be darned near impossible for either kid to see something on TV or on the computer that is inappropriate while he is home. Yes, if his wife would trust the kids like he & I do, they could be alone at his house for about an hour after school before he gets home from work. But big sister is willing to supervise them then before she goes to work. She is 18; whatever she wants to see is her business. So anyway, FBE has put a covenant eyes program on the computer so the pastor can monitor what is seen on it & the e-mail subject lines, but not the actual content. He did this to appease a woman he is trying to divorce.
Yes, I would be more upset about my husband bringing another woman into the house when my kids were there, even if it weren't my house. I did in fact not like it when my ex had a girlfriend. I did not care what they did when the kids were here. I did care what they did when the kids were there. I did not like it that she was cooking my kids' lunch. I did not like it when she sat closer to my kids at a funeral than I did. I did not care how close she was to the ex.
So, am I a hypocrite by letting him stay here when my kids are? Am I a hypocrite by staying there when his kids are? Maybe. I do know something I am a hypocrite about. I think people should not commit adultery. Technically he & I are. Biblically, I am even when he is divorced & even if we marry each other. But I don't care. I did not cause his marriage to collapse. I was just there when he gave up pretending it was still a marriage. I love him. I plan to marry him. He loves me. He plans to marry me.
& yes, we both find it handy that our faith in Jesus Christ absolves us from any sins our relationship causes in God's eyes. We have read Jesus' words that Moses gave the law allowing for divorce because we humans are so hard to teach/ that we have hardened hearts, but that God didn't intend it that way at the time of creation. We know that according to many Christians Adam & Eve made us all sinners just by existing. ( I don't know that I accept that.) We know that in Biblical times a man just had to say "I divorce you" three times & it was over. We have noticed that the modern legal system takes longer, but we did not get together until the modern legal process was started. (Ok, so it was actually just hours after the divorce petition was actually filed; that was a spur of the moment decision, & we weren't planning on doing so for awhile.) We have read Paul's words that say that a woman's remarrying after divorce is adultery. We find it odd that a man's remarrying after divorce is not so labeled. It just doesn't seem fair that the ex & FBE can remarry w/o committing adultery but I can't. I also know that because my ex has been with another woman, that I am free of my responsibility to that relationship. & Hey, his wife will be free to remarry too, if she would want to. We appreciate Paul's words that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. We truly appreciate that it is faith in Jesus Christ & God that gives us salvation & not the Law.
Yes, I can hear some Christians now saying that we have manipulated our understanding of the Bible & the law to "justify" ourselves. Probably so. I started doing such things when I was first tempted by pre-marital sex. Four boys owed my father 30 silver coins, but since I wasn't living with my father I figure the meals & movies & gifts the boys gave me more than paid that debt. & I thought of myself as engaged to 2 of them, actually married one of the two. I knew I wouldn't ever marry the other 2. The other 2? One was a one night stand with a past boyfriend; we had seen each other for 2 years & never done "it." Then we had our one & only actual date about 2 years later. It was sort of like crossing off a list before moving on with our lives. The other? Pure ego boost for both of us. He was the handsomest guy I ever dated. A pure Latin lover hunk. I was his tall thin kind of wealthy blonde with hair to her waist. When I look back at my pictures from then, I realize that I was quite the catch. I didn't realize it then.
I've shown FBE photos from summer of 85, when I was still a virgin. I told him that I may have looked good, but I was a true emotional wreck then. I was about as mentally unstable as a girl could get... except that I went off the deep end for certain spring of 86. I should have been on meds. It was as I was putting myself back together again in fall 86 & spring 87 that the one night stand & the Latin lover happened. Met the ex right after that, when I was certain that I was over all past loves. When I was certain that I did not need a man in my life to be complete... Wish I had kept on moving forward a little longer sometimes, but I love my kids. Ah well, FBE married in May or June of 87.
He was the only ex, I didn't revisit before my "moving on." He would have been unmarried still at that time. I wonder now, what if I had. I looked for jobs in the area & was sort of willing to move there. I didn't trust myself to teach in a big city, or I could have gotten hired down near there. Would I have been mature enough to accept him, or would my old fears of a poverty ridden life resurfaced? (Heck, I was impoverished. I lived in the feared trailer house & I ate left overs off of customers' trays at Wendy's. Would have done it at Mc Donald's too, but the set up of the building didn't give me the privacy I needed to do so.)
Would we have been mature enough to have made a good marriage? I had learned to talk; I had not learned to fear & be submissive yet. FBE & I both had "eager to please" personalities when we first married. Whose would have become dominant? Is there a dominant one now? I don't feel dominated. I don't feel as though he is submissive to me, though I feel a little bit on a pedestal. I admire him & his talents. I wonder if he feels like he's up on a pedestal just a bit.
Ah, the phone rings.... so I asked him. He doesn't know who would be the dominant of us two, but he has never felt like he's on a pedestal.
So now I really need to get back to chores since it is after 4 pm already.
Take care,
Pete
posted by Pete | 2:15 PM
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