Dear Ones,
Where to start?
FBE's (First Boyfriend Ever's) kids have not told their mother about me, but I've talked with them even more. One time we were all talking right up until the mother was in the driveway. I think FBE almost wants to get caught. She knows FBE & I have talked because he told her that I've been through a divorce, & he appreciated talking w/ a Christian who had been through a divorce. She doesn't know that we talk for around 3 hours a day, every day. She doesn't know he has been to visit.
His younger two kids are coming here tonight with him. My house is 1/2 way to relatives in Iowa. The wife knows he will "probably find a room" someplace around Topeka & KC instead of driving the whole way to Iowa after work tonight. We're going to go to a pizza buffet when they get to town, then they are spending the night here. His kids get to know me, & mine; my kids get to know him & his. I'm not nervous, but my kids might be. I am only worried about one "minor" detail. My kids know that his divorce is more recent to that family's life; they don't know it isn't final yet. There is a chance they'll figure that out tonight.
When I told my boys they were coming I asked them to figure out who would sleep where. We have the bed & couch space to make it work easily, but the boys didn't want to share their rooms, so the negotiating between them took about 30 minutes. I kept my mouth shut. Their end solution was to let FBE stay in my room & to trust us to behave. I then did say, "What if that is not ok with his children?" Well then one of us 2 had to sleep on the couch. FBE was SHOCKED when I told him that the boys would let him sleep with me, but we agreed that he'll sleep on the couch instead. His kids & my daughter would not approve, and it is not a good example to set either. Ok, so my boys guess we already have, but it is just cuz they're smart & not because they've been told or had solid evidence. They don't work for a CSI lab.
I also told my boys about the conversations FBE had with his two youngest about us getting married. They weren't so certain about being a part of the wedding, but since they don't know him maybe they'll change their minds... so one of them said. I said not to worry because we just don't see it happening anytime soon. We talked about me/us moving there. They don't want to, as predicted. They like the 1/2 time with each parent custody that we have now. I told them I don't want less custody of them, but more. My youngest said it would kill me to not see them. He is right. They say we can marry when they've graduated from high school. My youngest is about to flunk 8th grade... so 5 years is the soonest according to them.
That seems so long. Even just waiting for the 10th grader to graduate seems an eternity right now.
Along time ago... 1980-1982... FBE & I were going to marry on an August 8. His birthday & mine are the 5th & 11th. The date of 08-08-08 calls our name, but we just can't envision how to make that happen. I'd need a new job, & a new custody arrangement that the kids like; we'd need a place to live. I want him to experience living ALONE.
I want our divorce/previous marriage debts paid off. Mortgages are ok, but he plans to refinance some of their credit card debt into a new mortgage. It is from when she was unemployed for awhile. She wouldn't let him move it to lower interest by doing this earlier, nor has she used "her savings" to pay it off/down. Meanwhile the debt grows. He is FRUSTRATED by her lack of money sense. I understand & agree with the money sense of his plan, but emotionally I want that debt paid instead of being over us in our relationship. Meanwhile, my extra duty pay from debate, class sponsor & department chair will get me very close to out of debt. Plus I also substitute during my plan frequently. Much of my debt is now actually home improvements, or so I like to believe. The cabinets 1K, the roof 1.5K, the water softener 1k, the new bathtub 3k, the doors almost 1K, ... Ok, so I lie to myself cuz that doesn't add up to the 10K, BUT all of my debt except the mortgage is at 0%. I'm going to keep it that way, if I can. I have 1K in a CD that matures in late Jan/early Feb, so if I am wise about Christmas I'll be fine.
Anyway... 9 months just doesn't allow for all that needs to be done and experienced while working full time, plus planning a wedding.
I want a WEDDING. I've done the elopement/small quiet thing. I want friends & family. I want to celebrate. FBE says he likes my minister & that he can perform our wedding. I think we'll wait awhile to tell the minister that. A Saturday morning outside as the sun rises followed by a big old breakfast buffet. Ok, so as FBE said, it might be hard to get guests to show up for a sunrise service in the summer, but at least it won't be too hot. But a hotel is only 2 blocks from the church which has a nice empty "future park" right beside it. August 8 is on a Saturday in 09, but it just doesn't have the same "ring" to it. I don't want huge debt from a ceremony either.
I want my dad to live to see us marry.
He only weighs 125 pounds, and was 5'10" tall. I FEEL like I'll be lucky to see him live to Christmas, but that is not based on medical opinion. FBE is going with me to the nursing home. I want my dad to at least see us together.
I want to be able to move to the farm land that my mom & her sisters own as newlyweds. I want them to sell me/us the land. I want us to have at least built enough of a house there for us to move into. This land is about 15-30 miles farther away than FBE's house, which he may or may not get in the settlement.
I know, I know... I want a lot of things, but haven't said what he wants, nor laid out a plan for how to make it all work. He likes my idea of the alternative school on the land. He likes the idea of living on the land. I'm not certain he knows I want to live there early in the marriage & not "some day." He is tempted by the 08-08-08, but knows it is impractical.
I wish I didn't have an innate urge to always be practical. I wish I was more comfortable with more spontaneity, whims & desires. I wish I was more comfortable with throwing caution to the wind. I am glad he too has an innate urge to be practical, and has some of the same wishes for himself that I have.
I wish I knew how to have my kids & him at the same time. Any solutions out there, World? We know that we just have to pray & wait for God's time to give us the solutions, but if any of you have God's answer for us, please feel free to share it.
One friend already wrote, "Who says you HAVE to live together right away after getting married?" Unique perspective, but have trouble with the idea, even though it has crossed my mind before. I told FBE that a part of me is tempted by a private ceremony just for us, and then later a public event once we are able to live together.
Yes, I know it was only a few short months ago I wrote that I wasn't ready for commitment, marriage, living together, mingling money, etc... I know. I know. I know. So even more reason to keep the legal stuff for later & just wait. BUT waiting will be hard because FBE is so awesome: Christian, sweet, trustworthy, communicative, supportive, sensitive, courteous, even keeled, wise, moral (except for being w/ me before divorce is final), honest (except for not telling his wife fully about our relationship), musical, capable, handsome & becoming even more so now that his sorrow & stress are dissipating, finely built body which is also improving as he has lost almost 20 pounds since he changed jobs. He listens to my words, my tone & my body language when he gets to see it. He knows when I'm angry, nervous, upset, frustrated, holding something back, or sad. He responds in ways that help the conversation continue. He knows how to make me laugh. He has common sense, parenting sense and money sense. He values his family. He is even trying to be sensitive to his wife's feelings & needs even though he wants the divorce more & more as she tries to stall the divorce. He says I understand him. I could go on & on, but it just adds up to that I love him, and he loves me, & we think this is more than just the "in love" that occurs early in all relationships.
Well, I've stalled on working on my to do list a lot longer than I should have, so I must go.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving. May you be as thankful for you life as God tells us to be, even in our tribulations.
Take care,
Pete
Where to start?
FBE's (First Boyfriend Ever's) kids have not told their mother about me, but I've talked with them even more. One time we were all talking right up until the mother was in the driveway. I think FBE almost wants to get caught. She knows FBE & I have talked because he told her that I've been through a divorce, & he appreciated talking w/ a Christian who had been through a divorce. She doesn't know that we talk for around 3 hours a day, every day. She doesn't know he has been to visit.
His younger two kids are coming here tonight with him. My house is 1/2 way to relatives in Iowa. The wife knows he will "probably find a room" someplace around Topeka & KC instead of driving the whole way to Iowa after work tonight. We're going to go to a pizza buffet when they get to town, then they are spending the night here. His kids get to know me, & mine; my kids get to know him & his. I'm not nervous, but my kids might be. I am only worried about one "minor" detail. My kids know that his divorce is more recent to that family's life; they don't know it isn't final yet. There is a chance they'll figure that out tonight.
When I told my boys they were coming I asked them to figure out who would sleep where. We have the bed & couch space to make it work easily, but the boys didn't want to share their rooms, so the negotiating between them took about 30 minutes. I kept my mouth shut. Their end solution was to let FBE stay in my room & to trust us to behave. I then did say, "What if that is not ok with his children?" Well then one of us 2 had to sleep on the couch. FBE was SHOCKED when I told him that the boys would let him sleep with me, but we agreed that he'll sleep on the couch instead. His kids & my daughter would not approve, and it is not a good example to set either. Ok, so my boys guess we already have, but it is just cuz they're smart & not because they've been told or had solid evidence. They don't work for a CSI lab.
I also told my boys about the conversations FBE had with his two youngest about us getting married. They weren't so certain about being a part of the wedding, but since they don't know him maybe they'll change their minds... so one of them said. I said not to worry because we just don't see it happening anytime soon. We talked about me/us moving there. They don't want to, as predicted. They like the 1/2 time with each parent custody that we have now. I told them I don't want less custody of them, but more. My youngest said it would kill me to not see them. He is right. They say we can marry when they've graduated from high school. My youngest is about to flunk 8th grade... so 5 years is the soonest according to them.
That seems so long. Even just waiting for the 10th grader to graduate seems an eternity right now.
Along time ago... 1980-1982... FBE & I were going to marry on an August 8. His birthday & mine are the 5th & 11th. The date of 08-08-08 calls our name, but we just can't envision how to make that happen. I'd need a new job, & a new custody arrangement that the kids like; we'd need a place to live. I want him to experience living ALONE.
I want our divorce/previous marriage debts paid off. Mortgages are ok, but he plans to refinance some of their credit card debt into a new mortgage. It is from when she was unemployed for awhile. She wouldn't let him move it to lower interest by doing this earlier, nor has she used "her savings" to pay it off/down. Meanwhile the debt grows. He is FRUSTRATED by her lack of money sense. I understand & agree with the money sense of his plan, but emotionally I want that debt paid instead of being over us in our relationship. Meanwhile, my extra duty pay from debate, class sponsor & department chair will get me very close to out of debt. Plus I also substitute during my plan frequently. Much of my debt is now actually home improvements, or so I like to believe. The cabinets 1K, the roof 1.5K, the water softener 1k, the new bathtub 3k, the doors almost 1K, ... Ok, so I lie to myself cuz that doesn't add up to the 10K, BUT all of my debt except the mortgage is at 0%. I'm going to keep it that way, if I can. I have 1K in a CD that matures in late Jan/early Feb, so if I am wise about Christmas I'll be fine.
Anyway... 9 months just doesn't allow for all that needs to be done and experienced while working full time, plus planning a wedding.
I want a WEDDING. I've done the elopement/small quiet thing. I want friends & family. I want to celebrate. FBE says he likes my minister & that he can perform our wedding. I think we'll wait awhile to tell the minister that. A Saturday morning outside as the sun rises followed by a big old breakfast buffet. Ok, so as FBE said, it might be hard to get guests to show up for a sunrise service in the summer, but at least it won't be too hot. But a hotel is only 2 blocks from the church which has a nice empty "future park" right beside it. August 8 is on a Saturday in 09, but it just doesn't have the same "ring" to it. I don't want huge debt from a ceremony either.
I want my dad to live to see us marry.
He only weighs 125 pounds, and was 5'10" tall. I FEEL like I'll be lucky to see him live to Christmas, but that is not based on medical opinion. FBE is going with me to the nursing home. I want my dad to at least see us together.
I want to be able to move to the farm land that my mom & her sisters own as newlyweds. I want them to sell me/us the land. I want us to have at least built enough of a house there for us to move into. This land is about 15-30 miles farther away than FBE's house, which he may or may not get in the settlement.
I know, I know... I want a lot of things, but haven't said what he wants, nor laid out a plan for how to make it all work. He likes my idea of the alternative school on the land. He likes the idea of living on the land. I'm not certain he knows I want to live there early in the marriage & not "some day." He is tempted by the 08-08-08, but knows it is impractical.
I wish I didn't have an innate urge to always be practical. I wish I was more comfortable with more spontaneity, whims & desires. I wish I was more comfortable with throwing caution to the wind. I am glad he too has an innate urge to be practical, and has some of the same wishes for himself that I have.
I wish I knew how to have my kids & him at the same time. Any solutions out there, World? We know that we just have to pray & wait for God's time to give us the solutions, but if any of you have God's answer for us, please feel free to share it.
One friend already wrote, "Who says you HAVE to live together right away after getting married?" Unique perspective, but have trouble with the idea, even though it has crossed my mind before. I told FBE that a part of me is tempted by a private ceremony just for us, and then later a public event once we are able to live together.
Yes, I know it was only a few short months ago I wrote that I wasn't ready for commitment, marriage, living together, mingling money, etc... I know. I know. I know. So even more reason to keep the legal stuff for later & just wait. BUT waiting will be hard because FBE is so awesome: Christian, sweet, trustworthy, communicative, supportive, sensitive, courteous, even keeled, wise, moral (except for being w/ me before divorce is final), honest (except for not telling his wife fully about our relationship), musical, capable, handsome & becoming even more so now that his sorrow & stress are dissipating, finely built body which is also improving as he has lost almost 20 pounds since he changed jobs. He listens to my words, my tone & my body language when he gets to see it. He knows when I'm angry, nervous, upset, frustrated, holding something back, or sad. He responds in ways that help the conversation continue. He knows how to make me laugh. He has common sense, parenting sense and money sense. He values his family. He is even trying to be sensitive to his wife's feelings & needs even though he wants the divorce more & more as she tries to stall the divorce. He says I understand him. I could go on & on, but it just adds up to that I love him, and he loves me, & we think this is more than just the "in love" that occurs early in all relationships.
Well, I've stalled on working on my to do list a lot longer than I should have, so I must go.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving. May you be as thankful for you life as God tells us to be, even in our tribulations.
Take care,
Pete
posted by Pete | 8:14 AM
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