A friend warned me that I am in uncharted waters & that I should look out for whirlpools of despair. It may be uncharted waters, but I am there with a dear friend who also sees the way the waters ebb & flow. There may be some big waves & coral reefs to work around, but there are no whirlpools of despair or regret.
There are amazing feelings of comfort & joy.
There is an amazing ease of communication. We've covered some hard topics very quickly. It helps that he is still actually going through the divorce in some ways. When his wife gets frustrating, then he explains why its frustrating & shares his emotions & thoughts. I have on occasion pointed out that I can be like her.... though I usually am not.
She knows I exist. She asked frequently. At first his answer was no, because we had not re-met & then were barely communicating. Then he moved up to, "but I ain't sitting around once its done" because we were communicating. Now he's up to "maybe, but I wouldn't tell you if there was." Last night she asked if this maybe, is me. She used my name. He replied, "Maybe, but it's none of your business." You see, she's being told by her friends that shared custody doesn't work. He said he'd been talking to people too & they say it does work. She asked who he'd been talkin' to. He said, something about remember that he talked to some one for 2 hours at fall festival & that is how we do it.
He asked me how I felt about her knowing. I said I'm glad she doesn't know where I live, and I worry that she will be angry & vengeful in the divorce proceedings, but I'm glad the complete lie isn't there anymore. We all three know that his answer was obviously not the whole truth. It also makes her know that she has lost him & that he's not coming back to her. Plus according to her religious beliefs adultery is the only acceptable reason for a divorce. So she can now blame him for the divorce instead of accepting the blame of being a negative criticising frigid packrat of a wife who made it easy for some one else to look appealing.
Despite what FBE says, she's been competing with me for him for about 24 years even though I've not been around except the last 2 months. Yes, he loved her & still has compassion for her. BUT: If he saw my parents, he asked about me. He told his kids that I was the one who got away. When he found out I was divorced, he began to wonder what if... When he saw me last winter at a pizza place for 2-3 minutes with our families, he got a glimmer of hope. When he saw me at the church service, he decided to step forward with faith. She saw us together, & was not pleased. When we were together recently, he said he had waited 25 years for this experience. I had to tell him that it wouldn't have been "this" 25 years ago. He understands me.
I don't think she realizes he has been to visit me. He did not come until after he filed for divorce. She did call his brother in Iowa to see if he really was there this past weekend. He was, because I told him he wasn't going to lie to his wife about everything. We just didn't tell her that I was there at the kitchen table listening. I like that brother & understand why he is FBE's favorite. The brother has never liked FBE's wife.
It feels so good to share concerns & worries & joys with FBE. I've never been in a relationship before where I could talk about my fearful, nervous & cautious emotions. When we dated before, I could write some of it to him, but we never talked about them. He didn't used to communicate about emotions either, but now he does. If either of us changes the subject away from a hard topic, we bring it back gently & finish it up.
With 6 kids, 180 miles and 1 1/2 ex spouses, & scars from a total of 37 years of bad marriage (his 20 & my 17) we have plenty of fearful & nervous emotions to go around.
We agreed yesterday, that despite the fact that neither of us are actually moving slowly into this emotionally, that we will keep telling ourselves & the rest of the world that we are going to take this slowly. I am not ready for a living together relationship. He needs to let the dust settle in his life & figure out how he likes to live w/o her. He told me once this weekend that he loves me. I told him that it was very tempting to say it back, but I'm not going to & he needed to not say it again for awhile. So he now says that it would be very easy for him to fall in love with me and that he loves the time we spend together in person or on the phone; I can say those things to him. If I were in my 20's or younger, I would say that I'm in love, because I have most of the symptoms. As I am older, I say that I'm afraid to fall in love.
We dislike that we are stuck 180 miles apart due to our shared custody arrangements & jobs.
Meanwhile we each easily envision our futures together. We have shared our individual dreams & goals & see that they easily overlap & compliment each other....once I move back to take care of my folks' stuff. Until then it's complicated.
Unless Mom gets in bad shape before my youngest graduates from high school in at least 5 years, I'm here. I can't take care of Mom & Dad's stuff from a distance. The only other hope is that the Ex screws up so badly that my sons refuse to live with him & are willing to move with me. I won't hold my breath. I told FBE that my kids come first, & I won't move to where I see them less unless I have to care for my parents. He understands.
He's lucky that his older two kids don't want to live with their mom, but he's going to have the youngest 2 visit her on the weekends I don't have my kids. We don't need chaperoned every time we see each other. The oldest 2 girls are both 18, but his is a month younger & still in high school. Coincidentally, my daughter's name & his daughter's name are almost the reverse of each other with one's middle name being the other's first, and one's first being VERY similar to the other one's middle. ( & we have more important things in common too.)
But 5 years of travelling back & forth is not appealing. I don't want our "taking it slowly" to last that long & neither does he. But we also don't want anything bad to happen to Mom, and we'd like my kids to have a decent relationship w/ their father/the EX even if he is a jerk. He is a good father most of the time.
I've been home Tuesday, Wednesday & today with a really bad cold. I feel like I"m coughing up my lungs. But the doctor told me it's just a virus. I had told her that my new boyfriend started Zithromax on Thursday & that I saw him the Monday before & the Friday after. She says, he wasted his money on the Zithromax if he had the same thing I do. She asked how long I have known him. Told her I met him when I was 12, but that our first date in 25 years had been that previous Monday. She said that I should have fun & enjoy him, so I'll take her advice for now.
My mom also recently told me that life is short so I should have fun & enjoy it. She does NOT know about FBE, yet except that she was there at the park when we started the first two hour talk. She didn't stay for the whole thing. She lives in the same community as FBE. Mom's not a gossip, but we thought it best if the area didn't find out about us faster than his wife did. He & I may do some of the Thanksgiving & my parent's 50 wedding anniversary weekend together, so I'll have to warn her before then.
I told my daughter about FBE, but she hasn't responded. The sons seem OK with it, except they tease me about being on the phone a lot. They do not know he is not fully divorced yet. I won't be telling them anytime soon, if ever. OK, eventually I might have to, unless his 2 older kids tell my kids first. Yes, they know, but his youngest does not. His 18 yr old is glad the divorce is happening & has stated that she is glad her dad is happier. She calls & teases him about me, when he's here. I think I told you that she guessed & he didn't lie.
One last coincidence has happened. In August on a whim I signed up w/ a computer matching/dating service. In August, I got a few e-mails & phone conversations from it. In September, I initiated a few contacts, but didn't get many responses. In August & September, I prayed to God, telling him that I didn't know if any of these men or this process would be right for me, but that I knew he would provide me with a good man if I was to ever have one, again. Do I consider the reappearance of FBE in my life in early September ... & at a church service at that...& even more noticeably in my life in early October an answered prayer? Not yet.... right now it's just an interesting coincidence that I'm recording for history. Maybe God just knows that we both wouldn't healthfully "move on" with our lives until we had reconnected. Time will tell.
I told FBE that I was grading papers today while I'm home sick, so I should move on to that so I won't be lying to him when he calls during lunch. I've never talked on the phone so much in my life... in the morning before work, at lunch, on the drive home from work & often again around bedtime. I didn't talk to my husband this much in person even, perhaps that's why he's the Ex?
May you do the talking and praying you need to do to live a full and complete life.
Take care,
Pete
There are amazing feelings of comfort & joy.
There is an amazing ease of communication. We've covered some hard topics very quickly. It helps that he is still actually going through the divorce in some ways. When his wife gets frustrating, then he explains why its frustrating & shares his emotions & thoughts. I have on occasion pointed out that I can be like her.... though I usually am not.
She knows I exist. She asked frequently. At first his answer was no, because we had not re-met & then were barely communicating. Then he moved up to, "but I ain't sitting around once its done" because we were communicating. Now he's up to "maybe, but I wouldn't tell you if there was." Last night she asked if this maybe, is me. She used my name. He replied, "Maybe, but it's none of your business." You see, she's being told by her friends that shared custody doesn't work. He said he'd been talking to people too & they say it does work. She asked who he'd been talkin' to. He said, something about remember that he talked to some one for 2 hours at fall festival & that is how we do it.
He asked me how I felt about her knowing. I said I'm glad she doesn't know where I live, and I worry that she will be angry & vengeful in the divorce proceedings, but I'm glad the complete lie isn't there anymore. We all three know that his answer was obviously not the whole truth. It also makes her know that she has lost him & that he's not coming back to her. Plus according to her religious beliefs adultery is the only acceptable reason for a divorce. So she can now blame him for the divorce instead of accepting the blame of being a negative criticising frigid packrat of a wife who made it easy for some one else to look appealing.
Despite what FBE says, she's been competing with me for him for about 24 years even though I've not been around except the last 2 months. Yes, he loved her & still has compassion for her. BUT: If he saw my parents, he asked about me. He told his kids that I was the one who got away. When he found out I was divorced, he began to wonder what if... When he saw me last winter at a pizza place for 2-3 minutes with our families, he got a glimmer of hope. When he saw me at the church service, he decided to step forward with faith. She saw us together, & was not pleased. When we were together recently, he said he had waited 25 years for this experience. I had to tell him that it wouldn't have been "this" 25 years ago. He understands me.
I don't think she realizes he has been to visit me. He did not come until after he filed for divorce. She did call his brother in Iowa to see if he really was there this past weekend. He was, because I told him he wasn't going to lie to his wife about everything. We just didn't tell her that I was there at the kitchen table listening. I like that brother & understand why he is FBE's favorite. The brother has never liked FBE's wife.
It feels so good to share concerns & worries & joys with FBE. I've never been in a relationship before where I could talk about my fearful, nervous & cautious emotions. When we dated before, I could write some of it to him, but we never talked about them. He didn't used to communicate about emotions either, but now he does. If either of us changes the subject away from a hard topic, we bring it back gently & finish it up.
With 6 kids, 180 miles and 1 1/2 ex spouses, & scars from a total of 37 years of bad marriage (his 20 & my 17) we have plenty of fearful & nervous emotions to go around.
We agreed yesterday, that despite the fact that neither of us are actually moving slowly into this emotionally, that we will keep telling ourselves & the rest of the world that we are going to take this slowly. I am not ready for a living together relationship. He needs to let the dust settle in his life & figure out how he likes to live w/o her. He told me once this weekend that he loves me. I told him that it was very tempting to say it back, but I'm not going to & he needed to not say it again for awhile. So he now says that it would be very easy for him to fall in love with me and that he loves the time we spend together in person or on the phone; I can say those things to him. If I were in my 20's or younger, I would say that I'm in love, because I have most of the symptoms. As I am older, I say that I'm afraid to fall in love.
We dislike that we are stuck 180 miles apart due to our shared custody arrangements & jobs.
Meanwhile we each easily envision our futures together. We have shared our individual dreams & goals & see that they easily overlap & compliment each other....once I move back to take care of my folks' stuff. Until then it's complicated.
Unless Mom gets in bad shape before my youngest graduates from high school in at least 5 years, I'm here. I can't take care of Mom & Dad's stuff from a distance. The only other hope is that the Ex screws up so badly that my sons refuse to live with him & are willing to move with me. I won't hold my breath. I told FBE that my kids come first, & I won't move to where I see them less unless I have to care for my parents. He understands.
He's lucky that his older two kids don't want to live with their mom, but he's going to have the youngest 2 visit her on the weekends I don't have my kids. We don't need chaperoned every time we see each other. The oldest 2 girls are both 18, but his is a month younger & still in high school. Coincidentally, my daughter's name & his daughter's name are almost the reverse of each other with one's middle name being the other's first, and one's first being VERY similar to the other one's middle. ( & we have more important things in common too.)
But 5 years of travelling back & forth is not appealing. I don't want our "taking it slowly" to last that long & neither does he. But we also don't want anything bad to happen to Mom, and we'd like my kids to have a decent relationship w/ their father/the EX even if he is a jerk. He is a good father most of the time.
I've been home Tuesday, Wednesday & today with a really bad cold. I feel like I"m coughing up my lungs. But the doctor told me it's just a virus. I had told her that my new boyfriend started Zithromax on Thursday & that I saw him the Monday before & the Friday after. She says, he wasted his money on the Zithromax if he had the same thing I do. She asked how long I have known him. Told her I met him when I was 12, but that our first date in 25 years had been that previous Monday. She said that I should have fun & enjoy him, so I'll take her advice for now.
My mom also recently told me that life is short so I should have fun & enjoy it. She does NOT know about FBE, yet except that she was there at the park when we started the first two hour talk. She didn't stay for the whole thing. She lives in the same community as FBE. Mom's not a gossip, but we thought it best if the area didn't find out about us faster than his wife did. He & I may do some of the Thanksgiving & my parent's 50 wedding anniversary weekend together, so I'll have to warn her before then.
I told my daughter about FBE, but she hasn't responded. The sons seem OK with it, except they tease me about being on the phone a lot. They do not know he is not fully divorced yet. I won't be telling them anytime soon, if ever. OK, eventually I might have to, unless his 2 older kids tell my kids first. Yes, they know, but his youngest does not. His 18 yr old is glad the divorce is happening & has stated that she is glad her dad is happier. She calls & teases him about me, when he's here. I think I told you that she guessed & he didn't lie.
One last coincidence has happened. In August on a whim I signed up w/ a computer matching/dating service. In August, I got a few e-mails & phone conversations from it. In September, I initiated a few contacts, but didn't get many responses. In August & September, I prayed to God, telling him that I didn't know if any of these men or this process would be right for me, but that I knew he would provide me with a good man if I was to ever have one, again. Do I consider the reappearance of FBE in my life in early September ... & at a church service at that...& even more noticeably in my life in early October an answered prayer? Not yet.... right now it's just an interesting coincidence that I'm recording for history. Maybe God just knows that we both wouldn't healthfully "move on" with our lives until we had reconnected. Time will tell.
I told FBE that I was grading papers today while I'm home sick, so I should move on to that so I won't be lying to him when he calls during lunch. I've never talked on the phone so much in my life... in the morning before work, at lunch, on the drive home from work & often again around bedtime. I didn't talk to my husband this much in person even, perhaps that's why he's the Ex?
May you do the talking and praying you need to do to live a full and complete life.
Take care,
Pete
posted by Pete | 9:43 AM
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