I got home from dancing around 1 am. I should be asleep. It's 2:44 am.

Flirty told me today that he has submitted his resignation & will be leaving in 5-6 weeks. Of course we didn't get to actually talk about it. We have only ever had 2 uninterrupted conversations, so what was new. He had to talk w/ a parent & then the other counselor decided to make her shit hit the fan. She, I & 2 students that visit Flirty were in front of security, a vice principal & then the principal. I've not even had a chance to tell him what went down with that.

So after school one of the ladies that goes dancing & I were getting ready to leave school. I know he & she talk... she was going to be the 3rd in the joking menage trois conversation... I wanted to process the resignation with her, but I don't have permission to share that information. When she noticed my mood she asked. I only said that Flirty & I had started a conversation that I couldn't share. She said she knew already. I gave a surprised look... a "prove it" look.

She said, "He's married."

He evidently got married this summer. According to her, he didn't tell me, because he values my friendship & was afraid he'd lose it. She had encouraged him to tell me quickly because she knows where I am emotionally (maybe better than I do.), but had agreed to let him tell me & to keep his secret. She didn't mean to tell me. She saw the look on my face & knew instantly that wasn't my secret... & so she knows of his resignation, too. She cussed. She was mad because she had told him it would be hard for her to keep the secret since she & I talk so much. But it has been a month now that she's known.

I am mad. I want to go yell at him. He's says we're friends, but he doesn't tell me he's engaged or married. I told him that I needed to keep distance for awhile, & he told me that is unacceptable. He tells me that if his situation were different, ours would be too. But he doesn't tell me that his situation is that he is MARRIED. Damn him. He's always telling me to just "spit it out" when I have something hard to talk about. But does he do it? NO. The chicken shit.

I have always tried to respect his need for privacy. I have always tried to respect his relationship with his "lady friend." Didn't pry, kept my emotional crap out of his picture as much as I could, cuz it's my problem. He told me where he stood. I never quite new exactly where I stood, & I told him so. I have never felt the words "in love" fit my feelings. Yes, I care for him. Yes, I am attracted & even infatuated. I've even thought that he is one of those guys that likes to have his cake at home, & look at the ice cream at work. As long as he has his cake, I wasn't going to let him actually taste the ice cream. I assumed the ice cream would melt away eventually... and get on with her (my) own romantic life. But I wouldn't have minded if he preferred ice cream to cake.


I wanted him as a friend, Ok, I wouldn't have minded some benefits. I felt there was something I was to learn from him at the least... Celestine Prophecy style. I know I have. I know he's helped me gain new perspectives on myself. I even invited him to bring her to my August party. But they didn't come... probably on their honeymoon. & Not even a "sorry, can't make it because..." I think I even told him to bring her to church on biker's Sunday with him. I know I was going to, just can't remember how I worded the e-mail. God knows our conversations are interrupted.


I had that stupid dream. That real dream. The dream that matched his house. I thought it was meaningful. I don't understand. It doesn't fit the pattern of my life with dreams. Before I knew that it matched his house, I was willing for it to just be emotional crap dream. When I learned he hadn't installed the hard wood floor & area rug, but had plans to, I just assumed that meant I had to wait. Ok, that was fine because things weren't right for us to have that scene, yet anyway.

I've felt an uneasiness coming from him. I've seen him thinking about talking about something, & wondered. I've even asked. He said it was just work issues, but I doubted that was the whole truth, because he talks about those. But I didn't push it. I figure people tell you when they trust you. Guess he doesn't trust me. He better damn sure trust her. Wonder if he trusted her with the truth about what all he's said to me.

"It's in the past; leave it alone," is his motto. Of course once he retires, I'm history. You see, I still don't know how to contact him except to go to his office or use work e-mail. So there won't be any contact. So why bring me up at all...No reason at all, it was February when he was interested in me, using that perspective, that was history before March even came around.

Guess that means in 5-6 weeks that our friendship that he "values" will be over then anyway, if I don't punch his lights out on Monday for being a liar.

I can tolerate lots, but lies have never set well with me. & I'm seeing a lot of lies right now. He claims not to lie, but he admits that sometimes he exaggerates or leaves out a few details. I guess marriage is just a detail. I wonder what the Mrs. thinks of that.

Stupid me I forgot the detail of asking just what the hell "a soft spot in his heart" meant. I thought soft spots faded away with love fit for marriage to some one else. As much of a jerk as the ex ended up being, I never had "soft spots" for any one else. I loved the bastard. I had one curiosity that lasted less than 2 weeks the year before I decided to divorce him for being an asshole. No soft spots. So if he had soft spots, then he & she were a good enough relationship that he was willing to work on, but not permanent.

I never thought he & I would work out as permanent. A few years maybe of seeing lots of each other, but not truly cohabitating. We are different in some important ways. I was willing to see if I was wrong, since I didn't think God would give me a dream for just an affair, but....God has let people behave in ways that are far from moral & yet stay in his good graces. King David, for example. It did puzzle me, but I trusted my dreams, & I trust God.

I've been praying that God's will be done in this Flirty situation. Now, I'm going to have to pray for His blessing on their marriage. It's going to need it, since Flirty is not proud enough of his decision to trust telling the world about it... let alone a "valued friend" he "doesn't want to lose."

It's 4:05 now. I hope that I can sleep. I don't want to stay up longer explaining the other counselor's shit & the principal issue too. It did have a good ending. It was just irritating.

Tonight the prayer's for my emotional acceptance & for Flirty's marriage instead of you all. Sorry folks.

Take care.