Hey folks,

Dad is back in the nursing home. Doing better, but far from recovered. It will be awhile for he's up to what ever his full speed is going to be now. He's still thinking & trying, but he is frustrated. He can't move himself from bed to wheelchair or vice versa. He can't take himself to the bathroom. He is frustrated. Today I told him that I love him, and that he was a great dad. Ok, so that contradicts some things I've written before. But truth is he was a better dad than most dads I've met. He tried to do the right thing & hey, the brother & I turned out ok.

Ok, so when I tried to contact & see the brother this weekend, it didn't happen. Only he knows why.

I did talk some one this weekend that I've needed to talk to for 25 years. The first boyfriend ever. Wow. Was it awkward at first? Hell yes, for me. But then he was so friendly, we ended up talking for about 2 hours. He is married, but he's been tempted for a few years to give it up. I told him how I figured out I was praying the wrong prayer during my marriage. I had prayed for a better marriage instead of a good or great one. ... And better & good are two different things. I told him that God has a sense of humor too... When I was a scared stupid little girl, I was afraid of living in a trailer house, working at a greasy spoon, having a father in law that was an alcoholic (he caught on to what I was saying about then) and having a house full of snot-nosed brats before I was 24. Told him I graduated from college, bought a trailer house worked at Wendy's & Mc Donald's at the same time; ended up working at a Wal-Mart where I fell in love w/ a guy from the automotive department. Had a wedding ring on only to discover that I had a dry alcoholic father in law & a baby on the way. I ended up running a home daycare by the time I was 26 & had the house full of snot-nosed brats. He "got it." But with the audience we had, I never said, "I'm sorry." so I just sent him an e-mail... I JUST got an e-mail back from him... just a second.

Ok. He just wrote Thanks for my time today & that he'll write tomorrow. Anyway the e-mail I wrote, said I was sorry I was such a jerk 25 years ago & that it took me so long to apologize. It feels good to have done that.

Any way. We talked about this & that, nows & thens. It was good.

And dang, he still has a body that makes me wonder what it looks like w/o the clothes. Can you imagine a couple being together for 2 years and never getting naked? Never having sex? Well that was us. Of course it helped that he was in Germany for 7 months, and stationed 100 miles away for the rest of the time. It also probably helped that he thought that I at 16 & 17 was just jailbait, and that my brother was his best friend in high school & that he knew my folks owned guns. There were a couple of times though when we were necking that the sexual tension just freaked me out & made me cry. He was very gentlemanly when that happened. Sad thing is, his body looks more like it did then, than mine does.

Glad I can at least report that I've lost another 5 pounds recently. Only 60 more to go to match that highschool weight. ... Hmmm. I think for now, I'll settle for reaching what I weighed before starting at this school... only 15 more pounds to go for that goal. If I only ever lose 40 more pounds total, I'll be ok with it, & I think my doctor would be ok with that too. Plus maybe I'll get to keep my boobs. I didn't really have any in highschool. I called the size Concave A; I won't tell you what first boyfriend ever said about their size... & yes, he did get to see them, we were humans after all, not saints.... memories like the corners of our minds....

Anyway.

I also got to see a classmate that moved away during junior high. He was the super smart guy in town. I beat him at a spelling bee in 5th grade. The word was Ado. he spelled adieu... which I had never even heard of at the time. He now works in Washington DC doing something regarding laws with agricultural chemicals. Helping them get ok'd, or something like that. I used to have a crush on him. When we went our separate ways after talking a while, Mom said to me, "So was he always so gay?" I reminded her that he moved away before I even knew what that meant, & he of course didn't come out to me in those few minutes we talked, but come to think of it, he did have gay mannerisms even way back then.

We joked about her "gay-dar" being fairly accurate on some other folks we know. Oddly enough avoiding mentioning one of the family's closest friends. For as old fashioned as she can be, she said that she has known some kids were gay long before they ever figured it out for themselves. As a teacher I know what she means. We can't believe that some folks believe that gay people choose to be gay.

Oh, my it's way past bedtime. How did that happen? It was an hour before bedtime when I turned this machine on.

Take care, and may you have the freedom that long needed conversations can give you.