Totally insane. Really stupid. Foolish.

These are words to describe myself.

Here's one more. Smitten.

FBE files for divorce this week. He & his family have a hard week ahead of them. Prayers for them, please.

We've exchanged way too many e-mails this week. From me some were information on forgiveness & staying married & forgiveness of his wife, & asking for her forgiveness. Some were advice on getting a divorce & finding a place to live. Some were requests on making certain he really wants the divorce & has no reservations, and about doing what's right for the kids. From him were insistances that he would be getting the divorce despite our contact, that it is right for the kids, that he's working on the to do list to help the divorce run more smoothly. Some were about his changing jobs.

Some were about the co-worker woman calling me Satan on Monday.

Some were about just how our days were going.

We also talked on the phone again. It feels good to laugh & talk, and be serious and silly. It just feels good.

I've talked to all of my mentoring friends in the local area. They are full of caution, but I already know the advice they are giving. I just don't seem to be following it. I've told FBE about their advice & that I agree with it. I should stay away from him & he should stay away from me until the dust settles around his emotions. I've told him that I do not want his kids, wife, him or me to see me as "the other woman" in any way. Well, I feel like it kind of anyway.

I was doing well at being platonic until his wife ticked him off last Sunday & he almost moved out that day. Since then his plan has changed to encouraging her to move out, since the two oldest kids don't want to live with her at all. The youngest doesn't know yet. Nor does the wife, even though he's told her that he's "not living this way any longer" and I guess she saw him pack up last Sunday.

Also since then we've exchanged e-mails about him coming up to visit. Originally it was a platonic visit with him & his wife or son. Now it's just he & I. It will be in about a month. How it goes will depend a lot on if he really does file & one of them really does move out. Most of my friends doubt we will still be platonic come the end of his visit. I'm beginning to think they are right.

During church today I could imagine him sitting beside me, holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, taking communion, singing praise to God, and praying. I told FBE that I prayed that he & I wouldn't betray God in our actions. I've not heard back on that e-mail yet.

The computer he has been using belongs to his old job. This week he's planting wheat for a friend or relative, meeting with the lawyer, maybe moving himself or his wife out, and then he starts his new job next week.

He has a lot going on in his life & I know I shouldn't be a part of it. But I feel drawn to him. It is very different than what I felt for Flirty even at my most head over heels. I know that I got to know Flirty better. But I never felt like I knew him. He always kept his life private, and separate. FBE tells me what's going on & makes me included in his life.

When I first dated FBE, he hardly ever told me anything & since he was in the military, stationed far away, there are many things we never knew about each other. We never had a fight, so I've never seen him angry. He likes to cook, he sings for his church's praise team, he rides for the Patriot Guard. He says flirty things, but he means them. I know those are surface type things, but they reflect him.

Flirty & I are just friends. Truly. It is amazing how my knowing about his wife changed everything. Here's a funny thing. Flirty & FBE have first names that are only one letter different, & their wives names are almost the same too. Ain't that an odd one.

Time to do something else.

Inspired by church, and not this missive: May you have the courage to give forgiveness and ask for forgiveness in your life.

Take care,
Pete