Hello again non-existent reading world;

Well, I guess I've been busy for about 2 months.
Square dance lessons on every Tuesday; line dance lessons on a couple of Thursdays. Parenting; teaching; grading papers; house work; yardwork...

The attittude at work gets worse. After a day or two of seeing rudeness & destruction & thievery at higher levels I wrote on a flip chart "What is gained by rudeness and destruction?" & "Why would anyone do things that would perpetuate a negative stereotype?" I really wanted to ask why the g-d idiots were ruining their school & making it even worse & yell at them & say "you all" when it truly is not most of the kids. So I made the question more "thought provoking"(as a student later described it) than accusatory & insulting. I had also just had the experience of asking a student, "What are you getting out of this behavior?" & the student got a puzzled look on his face & quit harassing me for trying to get him out of the hallway & into class. He may have even gone to class.

I was angry enough that I did not try to converse about the questions except to tell the few questioning kids to just think, observe, to ask their friends & think some more. I had the sign up for a few days & then I needed to give the students an outline of an essay they were to write, so it disappeared for a couple of weeks. Then the paper was way past due & the state testing was coming up. The kids were asked to read some inspirational quotes on the board from an African-American "success book" of quotes, and reflect & write about them. I thought the two questions tied in from a different angle & let them be seen again. But I did not ask the students to do anything w/ the 2 questions.
A girl who had poor attendance finally saw the questions that day. She threw a royal fit. "Who were the questions directed towards?"
Towards any one who knows an answer, because I don't.
"Are they directed at the kids in this building?"
Well, they were inspired by rude & destructive behavior in the building & the questions are in the building.
"So what do you mean by negative stereotypes?"
Well, a negative stereotype in my life is that blondes are all dumb. So it has really irritated me when I see blondes acting dumb. I would think they'd fight the stereotype and show the world our intelligence. (ok so there are only 3 blondes in the building & only 1 is a student)
Then she asked a question that I don't remember so well, but my response was Well, you all know what the stereotypical images of inner city kids are, so why would they prove those stereotypes right? Why wouldn't students want to prove that stereotype to be wrong?

She decided right then that I was racist. It didn't seem to occur to her that all inner city kids, not just those of her race are seen as rude, & destructive. She threw such an insulting fit, that she proved the stereotype right... her classmates even told her so... I didn't dare, though it crossed my mind.

She asked if she could put questions about teachers on the board.
No, I said. It is covered w/ assignments.
Could she put questions about racist teachers on the flip chart.
No, the flip chart was full.

She just needed to do her Do Now, so we could move onto the real lesson. She sat down & started writing. I took roll, gave the kids time to write the reflections, directed a conversation about the inspirational quotes, tied them to the positive attitude needed for state testing & passing my class that has a reputation for flunking everyone (though reality is that I don't cuz I stupidly accept late work.) Then moved on to a grammar or vocabulary lesson.

She continued to write. When I moved to sit on a desk near her to facilitate the class discussion better, she got up & moved away. Her body language was such that I was not allowed to see what she wrote.

The class ended & the testing block began. My testing buddy-co-proctor (who I requested cuz I like him so much) came in. He is her same race. I briefly told him of the incident & asked if I was being racist. If so, I would remove the questions. He didn't see where she was coming from & thought they were good questions. I had told other teachers a few weeks earlier that I was asking those questions &/or the one I asked the student in the hallway. They all loved them too.

So testing is done. A new class comes in. There is rudeness & disruption in the hallway (attempted destruction of another human) & I try to disperse the ensuing crowd that seems to thrive on such behavior. When I came back to my room a girl is asking what's on my flip chart. I say "just some questions." then I see a piece of paper taped to the flip chart. I go get it as she starts to recite it. I take it off. As the class does their do now of responding to the inspiring quotes, I write to the 2 girls' vice principal what has happened. & then teach the class as I did the first.

At lunch I put the report in the VP's mailbox.

Fifth hour a usually good natured young man (& no I don't think of him as a boy... though I do others) comes in & sits sulkily. He does not do his Do NOw. When I try to have the conversation about what the kids thought of the quotes, he finds a way to throw out the word racists & racism a few times. So I say, "Is something specific making you focus on racism today?" "Yup, you," he replied. The regular lesson plan was tossed. I sat down in the desk. & we just all talked. A few kids told him that I was not racist, but they had heard the accusation. They told me kids said it cuz I flunk "everyone" & tell kids to get out of the hallways during my planning period (something all teachers are asked to do, but which few actually do).

I told the class where I had come from. A town of 1700 people where the closest we had to anything other than white Kansans were 2 refugees from Cuba in the 1950's. Some were racists, some didn't think they were, but actually were. My parents didn't think they were compared to their peers, but by today's standards actually are. More out of ignorance than out of meanness. & I had to explain that. They were raised to believe races were different & never had enough actual experience with other races to learn otherwise. Not because they tried to avoid other races, but because the town didn't have any. My parents try to be truly Christian, but they don't fully realise the full difference between truth & stereotype.

I continued to tell them that I broke up w/ my first boyfriend even after we were engaged because he thought owning a fake KKK id card was funny (there were other issues, but that was a huge one.)

I told of how one of my house mates in college was black & she had later worked w/ me in my preschool & had even been over recently w/ her now almost grown children.

I told them about how a black friend & I had much of a campus believing we were engaged for quite a while. When it all started we were actually just acquaintances with common friends. We both happened to go to a shared friend's dorm room. As we left at the same time, some one down the hall way thought he was leaving MY room & asked when we became a couple. Robert said, "We got engaged over the summer." and the wildfires blew that one around for a while. We stoked the fires some by walking around hand in hand, his arm over my shoulders, eating together. We became life long friends in the process.

I told the class that Robert & I had only kissed once. When he went w/ me to that town of 1700 people & walked to the post office with me. Robert had said, that he felt like 1000 shotguns were aimed at him. I told him no, just 1000 eyeballs were watching... the 500 shotguns wouldn't come out unless we were undoubtedly a couple in their 1000 eyes. So we kissed chastely. Brave man. Eventually we did have a conversation about how our families would react if we really did date. I told him that my parents would try to be very modern and accepting, but the phrase, "what about the kids? would eventually be said. My grandparents would be much more stereotypically Kansan, but would eventually reacknowledge me. HIS family would have thrown a bigger fit, so he told me.

20 years later Robert & I are still friends, & he had agreed to be my escort (not DATE) to prom this year. He has since had to back out because of a job opportunity in the St. Louis area. But if he hadn't my ex would eventually have heard about it from the kids & had his 20 year old jealousy "confirmed" as reasonable.

Then I told the kids about how when my ex wanted to move to the "better, richer" (i.e. whiter) neighborhoods in Lawrence, I said NO. I wanted my kids in schools & neighborhoods w/ a wide variety of races. When I ran a preschool in my home, there were times when my kids were the minority. When I reflect on it though, almost every "non-white " kid was actually "mixed race". Native American, Asian, African-American & white. My daughter's best friends now are Viet Namese & Mexican; my youngest son's best friends are all black; my middle child mostly has white frineds, but seems to have had a first girl friend w/ an asian background (he's 8th grade & won't admit he had a girlfriend, but he did go to her house a few times & have dinner.)

& yet a student asked.... so how often do you have blacks in your house. Every day when I ran the preschool & anytime my son invites his friends over or they just ring the doorbell. But quite honestly, I rarely have anyone in my house white or black. My kids have people over all the time. Most of my friends live 40 miles away; we work together, & work is closer to their houses.

So I told one more story on myself. I was only running the daycare part time & going back to college to get my masters. I saw myself as open minded, non racist. Then one day I'm about to walk up a sidewalk on a hill outside during the daylight. At the top of the sidewalk was a group of males. Football player sized. They weren't going up or down, but were energetically standing around. I felt myself become nervous. I told myself to relax. It was daylight; they were students; there were other people around.... I stayed nervous. & I realized I was nervous because they were black. I was ashamed of myself. I couldn't believe it, but I knew it was true.

A couple of days later at another class I lady from Africa that I was just beginning to know, Kathleen, asked me to complete a survey to help her do research about people's reaction to handicapped folks. My dad had recently had heart attacks & strokes & was newly confined to beds, chairs & wheel chairs. I felt awkward a round him. We talked about it some, but then I told her that the questions actually reminded me more of how awkward I had felt the previous day. I told her the story. I said that w/ those men then & my dad I knew I shouldn't feel so awkward or nervous, but yet I had. & I didn't like it. A few weeks later when Kathleen & I were working on a class project together she told me that on that night we had first really talked she had called a friend & she had told my story & they had laughed about me. I didn't understand why. She explained, she had never met a white person who had been so open & frank about their own struggle w/ racism & been shocked, dismayed, & upset to discover that they were still.

Then I told the kids. that I never ever intended in any way to ever be racist, but I knew that I probably occaissionally made some kind of blunder. Like my parents not realizing that some of their ideas are actually racist. I gave another example of how in my first inner city school I assigned a "how to" essay. Several girls wrote about processing hair. They thought I was racist because I didn't understand their process or vocabulary. But then a few days later one of them was playing with my hair & asked why it was still so soft when it was straight. It comes out of my head that way. I can't make it curly. Then they understood. We were both just ignorant; not racists.

Meanwhile the young man became less upset. I talked to him privately. I told him that if I ever was racist to him, to let me know. I need to learn, cuz I do not want to be racist. If he ever heard I was being a racist to other students to listen carefully to their version of the story, to think about how I behave in general, ask me any questions he wanted to. & make up his own mind. He said ok, & we've gotten along fine ever since.

Any way. the principal found out from the angry girl & her buddies. Other teachers & students found out from the angry girl & her buddies. The principal asked me to take the questions down about a week later. My teacher friends found ways to introduce the questions into their classrooms. One girl point blank said, "oh, this is is about Ms Pete & ___________. ________ is crazy. Ms Pete is just being thought provoking as usual. Trying to get us to think about our futures." A few kids came to me & told me to ignore ____________'s reaction. I was cool w/ them.

But I'm still not going to do summer school. I decided the day the principal told me to take the questions down. I might even apply for a new job in a new district, but I've seen the subs that might be hired to replace me if the need for a warm body in the classroom gets too desparate. The kids need BETTER than that & I am a good teacher.

Did I tell you that a previous student, who I had just last year, nominated me for Who's Who Among American Teachers? Anyone want to buy me the commemorative plaque, or certificate? On my teacher's salary, I can't afford it. Not with the way I have to buy my own stapler, pens, white out, erasers, markers, novels for the kids to read and copy paper.

... Oh, ok. If I had sold my soul & stayed married maybe I could have then. But since I'm a breaker upper of a family, I deserve to be poor. But get this. I only claimed one of the 3 kids this year (we take turns) & I got money back from Kansas & didn't pay them a dime. I got a refund for sales tax on food with out having to have grocery store reciepts. I got the earned income credit on the federal, too. Ok, so I owed MO money since I actually earned the money there even though I don't live there.

Is it right that teachers who are responsible for the educating of the generations are payed so poorly that they qualify for these credits/refunds that were designed to help those at poverty level? & those who go on tv & can guess which briefcase to open can earn more in 30 minutes than a teacher will in several years if ever? Or what about those folks who move a ball from one end of a "field" to another for a few days a week for a few months a year who get paid more in a season, let alone in a career than a teacher will in a 20 year career. Is it right for a teacher of 20, or even 30 years to not be able to afford to retire?

True we teachers know the reality of pay when we sign up for the career. But those of us who are real teachers, we teach because that is who we are. No matter what we officially do or where we work; we teach others. We can't watch a tv show, read the newspaper, walk down the street without creating a lesson plan. We re-write the not-so good minister's sermon to teach it better, & then try to talk w/ the minister hoping to share a few techniques and insights w/o making him feel like we're telling how to do his job better. We teach because our democratic republic needs educated empowered citizens to actually pay attention to those in power & what issues are before them & elect intelligent folk... not just the one w/ the best advertising. Citizens who know how to recognize double speak for what it is. We teach cuz as James Baldwin said, this world needs fixing. Ok at 1 am, I'm too lazy to get the actual quote. Just go read his address to teachers.

& my eyes are bleary... 4:30 am was over 21 hours ago & I must go get some sleep..... & someday I must learn to make that little spell check icon actually work, because it hasn't tonight!