My daughter called. She had to take a computer personality test at school and then call up people who know her to see if they agreed with the results or not & why. It mostly pegged her right on, but it makes me wonder what categories were available to plug her into. It reminded me of two personality tests I've done recently for online dating/matching services. I didn't sign up to use their results... besides a 7 day trial. I have kept just the version where I read what they wrote & decide for myself, but I 'm not having any success there. Perhaps I should listen to their analysis, but... Well, read on.





I have a 7 day trial with "true.com." The system there asks you questions & then they try to describe you from that. I think they screwed up some. But I'm going to post what they think they know about me in a pretty color & then make my comments in black about what they've got right & wrong.



As a Shining Star, you’re a perfect party guest and a great friend – people love having you around!. You know that life is good, and that feeling is contagious! I so feel out of my realm at parties. I never feel like I belong. I like the ideas of parties, but I don't fit in well once I'm there. Yes life is good, but I don't know that I get others to feel it.



You believe that everyone should be in charge of their own destiny. Indeed, well except that God is. You’d rather enjoy life as it comes and make decisions as they’re needed. Why waste time worrying? I make decisions all the time, long before I know if I need them. I worry, even though I keep telling myself that God will help me through & that I'm not to worry, cuz as the Bible says, tomorrow will have enough worries/concerns of its own. Life on the edge keeps you sharp. Life on the edge makes me shake & quiver with panic. Sometimes this lack of organization brings unexpected surprises, but you’re able to manage. You don’t always finish everything that you start, because you’re willing to re-evaluate as you go, and if something isn’t holding your attention, then you’ll question whether it’s worth doing. This part is true. I've many half done things around here, which leads to some disorganization. I'm not a messy person. I like a clean life, but I really do need to iron & put away clothes & clean paper work off the kitchen table, but doing this blog is more fun. Don't know that either are really worth doing.



And besides, you love excitement. If it’s new and different, it’s probably something you’d like to try. But while you love trying something new, you don’t have much problem resisting temptation. You know where your boundaries are. Mostly accurate. I have serious trouble resisting chocolate & ice cream. I love excitement, but I live a very boring life because I can't afford the fun new & different things.



You’re strong-minded. In my family we call it stubborn. You are comfortable in your view of the world. You’re not easily swayed by outside influences – you stick to your convictions. You have a clear-cut sense of right and wrong and you’re determined to see the right thing done. Very true.



You’re highly sociable and always willing to make new friends. However, sometimes you can be cautious of new people until they’ve proven themselves to be trustworthy. If someone does manage to put something over on you, it won’t happen twice. You’ll just be doubly careful the next time. I'm cautious of new students & wierd men, all others I trust too much. & I am leary of those who done me wrong, usually...There are a few really bad exceptions that I should have learned from.



People probably describe you as outgoing, friendly and personable. And because of your carefree approach to and easygoing attitude about life, your friends enjoy spending time with you. You’re a tactful, kind friend. You’re tuned in to the feelings of those around you, and that makes your friends feel valued. They likely see you as entirely charming. I hope this is true, but I see myself seeking them out more than I see them seeking me out.



When you’re out with your friends, the spotlight’s on you! No party is complete ‘til you’re there, and your friends look to you for guidance on a good time. Weekends are filled with hobbies, activities and socializing. You’re constantly on the go. I can tell you that the spotlight is not on me & the parties... oh so few I've ever attended seem to do just fine w/o me. Since I'm usually one of the first guests to arrive I often help make the party complete by helping finish the setting up. NO, I don't arrive early. The invitation says 7; I'm there at 7. It says 9 pm; I probably don't even go cuz of my early awakening.



Every other weekend I try to find a friend with whom to do something. But socialize? I wish. Sometimes a group of work friends go dancing, but other times the best I can talk some one into is ice cream in front of the tv. Hobbies? Do grading papers, blogging & yard work count? Constantly on the go? Would I be doing a 2nd blog in a day, or 3 in 2 days if I were on the go? Please, let me be "on the go." No, I don't go alone. It is not fun alone.



Overall, emotionally, you’re even-keeled. You love your life and its endless possibilities. You probably feel how your friends and family genuinely care about you. You tend to be pretty happy with your career. You’re slow to anger, quick to smile and you’re generally upbeat. The bright side is the right side as far as you’re concerned. Well, you read the blog. Am I even-keeled? Life feels rather roller-coasterish & full of stupidity to me. Slow to anger? No. Rarely angered? Yes. But once I've found anger in a day, don't expect it to dissipate soon. & I'll splash it all over the innocent bystanders too, so watch out. Yes, psychologists call it displacement. I can do it very well, so I usually warn the world that I'm angry & that I'll yell at them, too, unless they give me some space & pampering.

As a Counselor, you tune in when people talk to you about their problems. Your gift is that you can understand how others are feeling and picture yourself in the same situation. Because of that, people like to confide in you. By golly, they got this part right. I have way too much empathy, & I so over connect, that I forget to shut up & listen sometimes.



But this great listening skill doesn’t mean that people can push you around. You’re able to address relationship issues without being overly aggressive. However, when it comes to the personal stuff, you prefer to work through your issues in private and want others to respect your privacy, too. Ok, here's splitting some hairs. I have a hard time talking about relationship stuff, but I can write it way too easily. I was raised to not cry. I was raised to solve my own problems. My parents never knew anything about my personal life. But now... well, if you call putting all my emotional crap on a blog that could be seen by millions keeping it private, I suppose there could be truth to this. Heck, I tell strangers the truth when they ask, "How are you?" so I doubt this privacy stuff is true.



You’re not afraid to meet a challenge to your opinions head-on, even if it raises your intensity level. However, your outrageous sense of humor usually helps you lighten things up before a situation gets out of hand. Oh, I have lots of fear, but I am learning to do it anyway. Thus I'll be lucky if my contract is renewed for next year.



& that last line? The ex thought I had no sense of humor & he begged me to use humor when he was going ballistic to help "lighten things up before they got out of hand." Heck, my sense of humor sometimes is what sent him ballistic, 'cuz he so didn't get my humor. Most folks call my humor "dry," and I quite honestly don't know what that means. Some one please point out a comedian, or show that is dry, so I'll understand.



To become an even better communicator, experiment with revealing more of your thoughts and feelings to trusted friends. This openness will increase trust on both sides and improve your relationships. I've been doing this.





As a Lover, you believe that love conquers all, and live life accordingly. When Lovers fall in love, nothing is halfway – all energies go to making that relationship the most wonderful in the world! Roses, candlelight, gifts – no romantic gesture is too large or too small. They give their hearts easily, they share easily, they trust easily. And it’s easy for people to love Lovers, because they give and receive affection so well. A relationship with a Lover is a journey worth taking. Full steam ahead!



I might do some of these things once in awhile, but ... well it's been a long time since I felt love, so I don't know if I really will do this. I do give my heart too easily, & I trust too easily.



As a Great Catch, you’re just made to be in a committed relationship! Great Catches want to find their one special someone, and they actively look until they find that person. Well, I have gone dancing. I have checked out two online matchmaking companies. I did date a lot in college. When they do, settling in is easy! Great Catches love the comfort and contentedness of being part of a couple. They love the idea of having that one person to share their days with – it makes them feel fulfilled! I almost want to puke; it reminds me of that line in Jerry Maguire about being completed. Yes, it would be nice to fill the lonely times with some one, but in general I usually feel rather fulfilled anyway. I would like some one to talk to besides the dog. Some one to hold hands with, & though I rarely initiated sex in 17 years of marriage, I have noticed its absence in these past 2 years + 2 months, so....



They’re ready to go the distance to make the relationship thrive. When problems arise, they tend to dive in right away to repair them. They know that even the best twosomes can hit a bump now and then, but those hiccups can be overcome with some effort and time. For Great Catches, the rewards are worth the work. With this in mind, Great Catches are ready to commit for a lifetime! Oh, lord. I went 17 years with a crappy marriage trying to be what he wanted me to be to "fix" our marriage. I don't know that this is a strength. I think perhaps this is a stupid hole in my brain. And I really don't want to share a house, or a bank account ever again. So I don't know how much of a life time commitment there is if I don't want to live with anyone ever again. Visit regularly for a several days...Ok. LIVE with, nah, don't see it happening.



Ok. So that's that. Count most of the black ink as reasons why I'm only giving them the 7-day trial.



I've got match.com paid for & checked out their "chemistry.com" but didn't like it's prices. But I got chemistry's results. Didn't steal their definitions though. They say I'm :

28% Explorer

29% Builder

21% Negotiator

20% Director



Even with out the definitions to critique here, I think they know me better than true.com does. But their program doesn't see that all of the numbers are actually rather close & that Builder truly doesn't dominate Explorer. Not even Negotiator & Explorer are all that far apart. So their premise that one part is DOMINANT is actually the whim of my hormones & basic mood of that day or my setting.



Then there are the horoscope folks. I'm a leo... hear me roar. One web site has this to say:



Generous and warmhearted

Creative and enthusiastic

Broad-minded and expansive

Faithful and loving
On the dark side....

Pompous and patronizing

Bossy and interfering

Dogmatic and intolerant

Notice that I'm broad minded, expansive & loving yet dogmatic & intolerant.

Let's try again: They are ambitious, courageous, dominant, strong willed, positive, independent, self-confident there is no such a word as doubt in their vocabularies, and they are self-controlled. If I were all these things, I would go be more social on my own instead of dragging friends with me. If I were these things, I would not have stayed in a shitty marriage.



Leos are powers for good, for they are strongly idealistic, humane, and beneficent. They have powerful intelligence and are of a broad philosophical, sometimes religious, turn of mind. Ok, something right here... esp. that intelligence part... remember I'm pompous. ;)

Leos have a passion for luxury, a lust for power, unlimited sexual lust, and emotional indulgence, and a character emerges that no one would want to know either in public life or private. This is so not me. I am so anti luxury, so anti-power hungry & so out of touch with sex, that the rest of it must be garbage too, right?

Well the computer freaked out for a moment there, so that must be sign to quit lifting words from other sites. It is plagiarism after all. I was going to acknowledge the site, but now I think I'll not risk this evaporating again. I like the autosave very much right now. Let's just say I googled Leo zodiac & took it from one of the first 5 sites that came up. If I google it again... it might not be in the same order. I could be like my students & say that google.com was my source, but since I give them a 0 on those entries, I won't.

Time to go read a book, or e-mail FBE, or some do something else stupid.

May you be able to know yourself well enough to not need the internet to define who you are.

Take care,

Pete

Once again I am here to testify that there is a Lord & He is good.

I screwed up on my finances. I spent more than I earned. I had no idea how to pay 900$ of my bills. No idea. Then a check from a credit card company came. It was a sort of solution...I would pay a lower interest than keeping the debt on the card. But you see I usually don't pay any interest. I wrote the check & was going to mail it tomorrow.

In the mail I got today, I got another credit card check from the same company that sent the first check, but this check is for 0% interest for 18 months. Plus since I have rewards card on that account, I could pay off what is already on the credit card offering the 0%... without the rewards I would be short the amount needed. With that current balance paid off, when the new check for 0% gets to them, I won't have a balance earning interest while they apply my payments to the 0%.


Ok, so I screwed up. Yes, I had to sweat it out as a consequence. But God brought me a solution.
There is a God. Makes me wish I had some money to tithe with this morning. The church & I disagree by the way on tithing. They think the tithe should go to them in cash. I think that when I give a meal to a student or a bag of goodies to a homeless man on the corner, then I am paying towards my tithe.

Now I know some atheist somewhere is saying that these credit card companies send these stupid annoying checks all of the time. This is true, but they are usually charging some kind of interest, albeit lower than the standard. This is for 0% for 18 months. A very important 18 months for me. You see, my being a department chair, and a class sponsor & a debate coach don't show up on monthly checks. Half of the year's payment for chair & sponsor show up in February & the other half in July or August. The February payment helps me pay for Christmas & the floating of real estate taxes that are due in December & May, but I do creative financing to get through. Remember I have not owed nor paid interest, but I have paid some 3% transaction fees along the way. Any way the debate coach pay, which I don't know when it will be paid, should make me debt free, except for my mortgage. This does of course assume I don't screw up again & that I continue to pay down my debts at my current rate.

The Lord is good. He knows my needs before I do.

In a way I see this financial help I keep getting at just the right time as a continuation of his confirming that the divorce was ok with him. Ok, now the right wingers are ticked off cuz God hates divorce...to you I say: read older posts & catch up on why I know it was OK.
____________
I have put off telling you about other issues that God has shown his hand in. Now seems like a good time.

There is a woman at work who berated me & told me I could not call her by her first name, though I had greeted her as such for about 6 months. This confrontation happened in July. At the time she called me a racist liar & a sleeping clueless teacher. Her office is now near Flirty's. I have spent time in their shared waiting room space supervising kids during my lunch. One day only the senior student who always visits Flirty at lunch was there with me. Flirty was no where to be seen at that time. We were looking at college brochures & talking about them. This woman had a problem with us being in that space. I ended up telling her that as a paid instructor on the staff I could spend my lunch and planning period any where I wanted & that I was supervising the student in this cooler place since my room had no air conditioning. Flirty suggested that I inform administration of the two confrontations. I put it off for a few days, but did so.

So, the student & I are at Flirty's for lunch one day 1 week after I e-mailed administration about the confrontations. He gets a call that a parent is coming in to talk, so the student & I move to the waiting area to give them privacy. The woman comes in & starts into her confrontational mode again. She goes & gets security. Security sees that another teacher is involved. He takes us to the Vice Principal that I sent the e-mail to. She sees who is coming in & shoos her current problem children far away. Then the VP goes into the Principal's office for about 5 minutes. He comes in and lets the confrontational woman talk first. She tells him that this student thinks he is special & should get to stay out of the cafeteria when the rule is that all students must go to the cafeteria. She does a lot of telling the Principal what I think & assume.

When she paused, I informed her that she should not assume that she knows what I think or why I do what I do. I will speak for myself. (When I tell friends of my saying this, they applaud me.)

When it was my turn, I told the principal that students all over the building do not go to lunch due to social, monetary & food reasons. We teachers adopt them & feed them & mentor them. This student was adopted by Flirty & I the previous year, and he had been one of the inspirations for the chess tournament since we had taught kids chess last year at lunchtime. I explained how the kid had been homeless & ready to drop out, but was now trying to be enough of a student to go to college.

Here comes the God part.

The principal agreed that this student is special. He does get to break the rule & doesn't have to go to the cafeteria, as long as he is with Flirty or me. The principal even said he wanted to help this student get clothes that fit. The senior is a LARGE boy/man & his current clothes are old & don't fit well. The kid had been noticed by the the principal & the principal had been trying to figure out how to help the kid. Now he knew two conduits to the kid... Flirty & me.

Another God part, which I may have shared before. The day before us teachers had to report for work in August, I asked my church to pray for me & the woman. I wanted to know how to interact with her appropriately. Her office used to be beside my classroom, & I had the students with whom she primarily worked. When I got to school on that Monday, I discovered that her office was not near mine, AND I now worked with Flirty's students & not hers. God knew my needs before I prayed & had a solution ready the day I needed it. There was only one glitch. I was to move into her old room & she hadn't surrendered the key, yet. She had to do that in front of administration. Her whole body language was a cuss word, that was easily read by them. I on the other hand was very very civilized. She has tenure, so it will take a lot to fire her. Meanwhile I pray that God finds a way to let her know that her job needs more compassion than she shows to our students and staff.

__________________

New topic:
The FBE (first boyfriend ever) e-mailed me this past week that he is going to get the divorce. He assures me that it is not because of me, but a long time building up & he's just had it. He called yesterday. I knew the moment the phone rang it was him because I had just answered his e-mail. When we were done talking an hour later my face hurt from all the smiling & laughing. I really should run & run hard in the opposite direction, but I don't want to. I am curious about him. I do want to get to know him better again. I wish he were already divorced so I would feel guilt free about it & so I wouldn't feel like he was rebounding. Heck, after this Flirty thing this past week, I would like to make certain I'm not rebounding too. If you get curious about some one before you feel almost heartbroken over a different relationship, is it a rebound? I don't think so. It is really amazing timing though.

And by the way, the computer matching only created 3 almost close encounters the first week, and not even a nibble since. Almost 2 months of the 6 I paid for used up. I've exchanged more e-mails with a very steamy guy in New York, with whom I've almost nothing in common, than I have with any one I have things in common with. Somehow the NewYorker clicked on my name & saw my profile. So I clicked on his. I really like his pictures, so I have looked more than once. The program shows us who has looked at our pictures. Most of the men remain in the exact same order, but New York's keeps floating back to the front of the list. So I asked him why. He scans through the profiles in such away that he doesn't know whose picture will come up next, & then there I am on his screen, so he moves to the recent lookers on my screen. Then I think he's gorgeous, but probably a real snob, and gaze at him some more.

Got to haul the son to his dad's. So I'll stop.

May God be with you when you need him & when you don't know you do.
Take care,
Pete

Follow up:

I sent Flirty an e-mail that redirects him to this site. To him I say: The "long version" is the one whose title has to do with getting home from dancing plus this one.

Today I still wanted to punch his lights out, & I was angry with myself for continuing to be an idiot, so I needed to vent or I was going to pig out. (Old habits such as emotional eating are hard to fight.) When I talked w/ another friend, she said, "don't you remember I told you he said one Friday that he was 'going home, putting his wife on the bike and headin out of town' ?" I had assured her that it had to be metaphorical, because he would have told me. He talks all the time about being honest, so I expected honesty. I knew/know his ladyfriend/wife was/is important to him, though he's never used her name & rarely mentions her, so his metaphorical wife made sense to me. I forgot the conversation.

I'd like to just say life was stressful with the start of school, meetings, Dad's stroke, Hannah going to college. So I forgot. I've studied enough psych to know there was probably lots of denial going on, too. But I would like to deny that it was. ;)

I'd like to give him the excuse of not wanting to add to my stress at the time. But I feel insulted by that excuse. We as a society tend to protect little children from reality, though I never did much of that with my own kids. We have two choices: We can tell them the truth. Or we can lie to them. I chose to speak the truth & to show them the truth. Yes, sometimes I can only say, "I don't know" and sometimes it is annoyingly still physically hard for me to talk when emotions are stressful. But I am a grown woman; I could have handled the truth.

I would have handled it a lot better than being lied to. When I was younger & delivering papers there was a song I sang as I walked the streets. "Who's trippin down the streets of the city, smilin at everybody she meets. Whose reaching out to capture a rainbow? everyone knows its (insert my real name). And I have stormy eyes that flash at the sound of lies..."

I am an optimist. I stupidly assume the best in people. I expect their honesty. Then I keep being reminded to be a cynic. Geez, if you can't trust your friends to be honest with you, who the heck can you trust?

So to boil it down, he told the two people that he knows I talk to about just about everything, but not me. He knew they'd let it go eventually, the chicken shit liar...

May your friends live up to the trust you place in them,
Take care,
Pete

I got home from dancing around 1 am. I should be asleep. It's 2:44 am.

Flirty told me today that he has submitted his resignation & will be leaving in 5-6 weeks. Of course we didn't get to actually talk about it. We have only ever had 2 uninterrupted conversations, so what was new. He had to talk w/ a parent & then the other counselor decided to make her shit hit the fan. She, I & 2 students that visit Flirty were in front of security, a vice principal & then the principal. I've not even had a chance to tell him what went down with that.

So after school one of the ladies that goes dancing & I were getting ready to leave school. I know he & she talk... she was going to be the 3rd in the joking menage trois conversation... I wanted to process the resignation with her, but I don't have permission to share that information. When she noticed my mood she asked. I only said that Flirty & I had started a conversation that I couldn't share. She said she knew already. I gave a surprised look... a "prove it" look.

She said, "He's married."

He evidently got married this summer. According to her, he didn't tell me, because he values my friendship & was afraid he'd lose it. She had encouraged him to tell me quickly because she knows where I am emotionally (maybe better than I do.), but had agreed to let him tell me & to keep his secret. She didn't mean to tell me. She saw the look on my face & knew instantly that wasn't my secret... & so she knows of his resignation, too. She cussed. She was mad because she had told him it would be hard for her to keep the secret since she & I talk so much. But it has been a month now that she's known.

I am mad. I want to go yell at him. He's says we're friends, but he doesn't tell me he's engaged or married. I told him that I needed to keep distance for awhile, & he told me that is unacceptable. He tells me that if his situation were different, ours would be too. But he doesn't tell me that his situation is that he is MARRIED. Damn him. He's always telling me to just "spit it out" when I have something hard to talk about. But does he do it? NO. The chicken shit.

I have always tried to respect his need for privacy. I have always tried to respect his relationship with his "lady friend." Didn't pry, kept my emotional crap out of his picture as much as I could, cuz it's my problem. He told me where he stood. I never quite new exactly where I stood, & I told him so. I have never felt the words "in love" fit my feelings. Yes, I care for him. Yes, I am attracted & even infatuated. I've even thought that he is one of those guys that likes to have his cake at home, & look at the ice cream at work. As long as he has his cake, I wasn't going to let him actually taste the ice cream. I assumed the ice cream would melt away eventually... and get on with her (my) own romantic life. But I wouldn't have minded if he preferred ice cream to cake.


I wanted him as a friend, Ok, I wouldn't have minded some benefits. I felt there was something I was to learn from him at the least... Celestine Prophecy style. I know I have. I know he's helped me gain new perspectives on myself. I even invited him to bring her to my August party. But they didn't come... probably on their honeymoon. & Not even a "sorry, can't make it because..." I think I even told him to bring her to church on biker's Sunday with him. I know I was going to, just can't remember how I worded the e-mail. God knows our conversations are interrupted.


I had that stupid dream. That real dream. The dream that matched his house. I thought it was meaningful. I don't understand. It doesn't fit the pattern of my life with dreams. Before I knew that it matched his house, I was willing for it to just be emotional crap dream. When I learned he hadn't installed the hard wood floor & area rug, but had plans to, I just assumed that meant I had to wait. Ok, that was fine because things weren't right for us to have that scene, yet anyway.

I've felt an uneasiness coming from him. I've seen him thinking about talking about something, & wondered. I've even asked. He said it was just work issues, but I doubted that was the whole truth, because he talks about those. But I didn't push it. I figure people tell you when they trust you. Guess he doesn't trust me. He better damn sure trust her. Wonder if he trusted her with the truth about what all he's said to me.

"It's in the past; leave it alone," is his motto. Of course once he retires, I'm history. You see, I still don't know how to contact him except to go to his office or use work e-mail. So there won't be any contact. So why bring me up at all...No reason at all, it was February when he was interested in me, using that perspective, that was history before March even came around.

Guess that means in 5-6 weeks that our friendship that he "values" will be over then anyway, if I don't punch his lights out on Monday for being a liar.

I can tolerate lots, but lies have never set well with me. & I'm seeing a lot of lies right now. He claims not to lie, but he admits that sometimes he exaggerates or leaves out a few details. I guess marriage is just a detail. I wonder what the Mrs. thinks of that.

Stupid me I forgot the detail of asking just what the hell "a soft spot in his heart" meant. I thought soft spots faded away with love fit for marriage to some one else. As much of a jerk as the ex ended up being, I never had "soft spots" for any one else. I loved the bastard. I had one curiosity that lasted less than 2 weeks the year before I decided to divorce him for being an asshole. No soft spots. So if he had soft spots, then he & she were a good enough relationship that he was willing to work on, but not permanent.

I never thought he & I would work out as permanent. A few years maybe of seeing lots of each other, but not truly cohabitating. We are different in some important ways. I was willing to see if I was wrong, since I didn't think God would give me a dream for just an affair, but....God has let people behave in ways that are far from moral & yet stay in his good graces. King David, for example. It did puzzle me, but I trusted my dreams, & I trust God.

I've been praying that God's will be done in this Flirty situation. Now, I'm going to have to pray for His blessing on their marriage. It's going to need it, since Flirty is not proud enough of his decision to trust telling the world about it... let alone a "valued friend" he "doesn't want to lose."

It's 4:05 now. I hope that I can sleep. I don't want to stay up longer explaining the other counselor's shit & the principal issue too. It did have a good ending. It was just irritating.

Tonight the prayer's for my emotional acceptance & for Flirty's marriage instead of you all. Sorry folks.

Take care.

The continuing hilarities of my life ?

Let's do the man thing first. First boyfriend ever (FBE) & I have sent way too many e-mails back & forth these past few days. And they have been very personal, but not flirty. Heck, I gave him marital advice (like a divorced woman knows something?) and some divorce advice too. We have bared our old souls. We have shared bits about our current souls, which has included that he wishes he hadn't let me go 25 years ago. Like I would have let him catch me 25 years ago ? I wouldn't have. He says all he wants is to just be friends. He is married & he'll honor that commitment, but it he weren't married...he'd come check me out. I personally think he needs to sort past from present out a bit more. I want to believe this "just friends" thing, but I don't completely believe it. I know how to do just friends from my end. It has been a wierd couple of days sorting out the variety of feelings: "it's cool to reconnect" & "it's awesome to get that apology done" & "dang, I once loved this person very much" & "wow, a man thinks I'm attractive mentally & physically." But I think I have done it. I think he still has some sorting out to do. I think I can be a "normal" human being again.

& I have no desire to have the "what about when he becomes divorced?" conversation with him or with me or with you. I don't know the man well enough to even begin to answer that. If he were the same boy of 25 years ago. NO. If I were the same girl as 25 years ago? Hell, no. But we have changed, but I don't know how he's changed. Except he's a Christain now, & he sings solos at church. I never knew he could sing or liked to sing, & I never heard him mention God. Remember I met him when I was 12 or 13, wrote him daily & mailed weekly starting around the time I was 14... he was in the Army. I received much shorter letters from him around twice a week. He agreed to start dating me when I was 16. I proposed to him. He accepted. Then I broke up with him months before I turned 18 & left for college. Oddly enough, I think I know him better now after just a few days than I did when I was 17. He wasn't much of a communicator then & is much better at it now. But quite frankly, though he is more attractive to me now than he was 25 years ago, I think I'd still say, No. But at the same time, I do look forward to getting to know him better again.

Sometimes though I think I should just have a one night stand with a complete stranger. I'd be so guilt ridden though that I'd be even more screwed up... pun intended of course. Wonder if I can find an aquaintance or friends with benefits relationship with a single attractive man.

Have I told you all that I signed up with Match.com? Yup. I've been viewed around 160 times. But few men respond to my e-mails or winks, & even fewer initiate contact. I might just get the 6 months free guarantee at this rate of return. 160 views is a boost to my ego, but the number of actual contacts in ratio to that is quite depressing. But all of the views are counted, including repeat gazers. There are some gorgeous men on match.com. One awesome hunk from NewYork clicked on me first... I told him it was certainly a boost to my ego that he clicked on me & read my profile...& if he ever came out to the KC area, I wouldn't mind seeing him in person. I get better returns when I go dancing. Went dancing 6 times, danced with around 5 men. Got groped once, got 1 phone number & was asked for my number once. So one pervert, one dweeb & one guy I just needed to get to know better before sharing my data with him. We "girls" are going dancing again next Friday. I am already trying to figure out what to wear.

Originally I was going to share some of the crap in my life, but I'm tired of typing, so I'll spare you all.

Take care,
Pete

Hey folks,

Dad is back in the nursing home. Doing better, but far from recovered. It will be awhile for he's up to what ever his full speed is going to be now. He's still thinking & trying, but he is frustrated. He can't move himself from bed to wheelchair or vice versa. He can't take himself to the bathroom. He is frustrated. Today I told him that I love him, and that he was a great dad. Ok, so that contradicts some things I've written before. But truth is he was a better dad than most dads I've met. He tried to do the right thing & hey, the brother & I turned out ok.

Ok, so when I tried to contact & see the brother this weekend, it didn't happen. Only he knows why.

I did talk some one this weekend that I've needed to talk to for 25 years. The first boyfriend ever. Wow. Was it awkward at first? Hell yes, for me. But then he was so friendly, we ended up talking for about 2 hours. He is married, but he's been tempted for a few years to give it up. I told him how I figured out I was praying the wrong prayer during my marriage. I had prayed for a better marriage instead of a good or great one. ... And better & good are two different things. I told him that God has a sense of humor too... When I was a scared stupid little girl, I was afraid of living in a trailer house, working at a greasy spoon, having a father in law that was an alcoholic (he caught on to what I was saying about then) and having a house full of snot-nosed brats before I was 24. Told him I graduated from college, bought a trailer house worked at Wendy's & Mc Donald's at the same time; ended up working at a Wal-Mart where I fell in love w/ a guy from the automotive department. Had a wedding ring on only to discover that I had a dry alcoholic father in law & a baby on the way. I ended up running a home daycare by the time I was 26 & had the house full of snot-nosed brats. He "got it." But with the audience we had, I never said, "I'm sorry." so I just sent him an e-mail... I JUST got an e-mail back from him... just a second.

Ok. He just wrote Thanks for my time today & that he'll write tomorrow. Anyway the e-mail I wrote, said I was sorry I was such a jerk 25 years ago & that it took me so long to apologize. It feels good to have done that.

Any way. We talked about this & that, nows & thens. It was good.

And dang, he still has a body that makes me wonder what it looks like w/o the clothes. Can you imagine a couple being together for 2 years and never getting naked? Never having sex? Well that was us. Of course it helped that he was in Germany for 7 months, and stationed 100 miles away for the rest of the time. It also probably helped that he thought that I at 16 & 17 was just jailbait, and that my brother was his best friend in high school & that he knew my folks owned guns. There were a couple of times though when we were necking that the sexual tension just freaked me out & made me cry. He was very gentlemanly when that happened. Sad thing is, his body looks more like it did then, than mine does.

Glad I can at least report that I've lost another 5 pounds recently. Only 60 more to go to match that highschool weight. ... Hmmm. I think for now, I'll settle for reaching what I weighed before starting at this school... only 15 more pounds to go for that goal. If I only ever lose 40 more pounds total, I'll be ok with it, & I think my doctor would be ok with that too. Plus maybe I'll get to keep my boobs. I didn't really have any in highschool. I called the size Concave A; I won't tell you what first boyfriend ever said about their size... & yes, he did get to see them, we were humans after all, not saints.... memories like the corners of our minds....

Anyway.

I also got to see a classmate that moved away during junior high. He was the super smart guy in town. I beat him at a spelling bee in 5th grade. The word was Ado. he spelled adieu... which I had never even heard of at the time. He now works in Washington DC doing something regarding laws with agricultural chemicals. Helping them get ok'd, or something like that. I used to have a crush on him. When we went our separate ways after talking a while, Mom said to me, "So was he always so gay?" I reminded her that he moved away before I even knew what that meant, & he of course didn't come out to me in those few minutes we talked, but come to think of it, he did have gay mannerisms even way back then.

We joked about her "gay-dar" being fairly accurate on some other folks we know. Oddly enough avoiding mentioning one of the family's closest friends. For as old fashioned as she can be, she said that she has known some kids were gay long before they ever figured it out for themselves. As a teacher I know what she means. We can't believe that some folks believe that gay people choose to be gay.

Oh, my it's way past bedtime. How did that happen? It was an hour before bedtime when I turned this machine on.

Take care, and may you have the freedom that long needed conversations can give you.