Dear Ones,

Where to start?

FBE's (First Boyfriend Ever's) kids have not told their mother about me, but I've talked with them even more. One time we were all talking right up until the mother was in the driveway. I think FBE almost wants to get caught. She knows FBE & I have talked because he told her that I've been through a divorce, & he appreciated talking w/ a Christian who had been through a divorce. She doesn't know that we talk for around 3 hours a day, every day. She doesn't know he has been to visit.

His younger two kids are coming here tonight with him. My house is 1/2 way to relatives in Iowa. The wife knows he will "probably find a room" someplace around Topeka & KC instead of driving the whole way to Iowa after work tonight. We're going to go to a pizza buffet when they get to town, then they are spending the night here. His kids get to know me, & mine; my kids get to know him & his. I'm not nervous, but my kids might be. I am only worried about one "minor" detail. My kids know that his divorce is more recent to that family's life; they don't know it isn't final yet. There is a chance they'll figure that out tonight.

When I told my boys they were coming I asked them to figure out who would sleep where. We have the bed & couch space to make it work easily, but the boys didn't want to share their rooms, so the negotiating between them took about 30 minutes. I kept my mouth shut. Their end solution was to let FBE stay in my room & to trust us to behave. I then did say, "What if that is not ok with his children?" Well then one of us 2 had to sleep on the couch. FBE was SHOCKED when I told him that the boys would let him sleep with me, but we agreed that he'll sleep on the couch instead. His kids & my daughter would not approve, and it is not a good example to set either. Ok, so my boys guess we already have, but it is just cuz they're smart & not because they've been told or had solid evidence. They don't work for a CSI lab.

I also told my boys about the conversations FBE had with his two youngest about us getting married. They weren't so certain about being a part of the wedding, but since they don't know him maybe they'll change their minds... so one of them said. I said not to worry because we just don't see it happening anytime soon. We talked about me/us moving there. They don't want to, as predicted. They like the 1/2 time with each parent custody that we have now. I told them I don't want less custody of them, but more. My youngest said it would kill me to not see them. He is right. They say we can marry when they've graduated from high school. My youngest is about to flunk 8th grade... so 5 years is the soonest according to them.

That seems so long. Even just waiting for the 10th grader to graduate seems an eternity right now.

Along time ago... 1980-1982... FBE & I were going to marry on an August 8. His birthday & mine are the 5th & 11th. The date of 08-08-08 calls our name, but we just can't envision how to make that happen. I'd need a new job, & a new custody arrangement that the kids like; we'd need a place to live. I want him to experience living ALONE.

I want our divorce/previous marriage debts paid off. Mortgages are ok, but he plans to refinance some of their credit card debt into a new mortgage. It is from when she was unemployed for awhile. She wouldn't let him move it to lower interest by doing this earlier, nor has she used "her savings" to pay it off/down. Meanwhile the debt grows. He is FRUSTRATED by her lack of money sense. I understand & agree with the money sense of his plan, but emotionally I want that debt paid instead of being over us in our relationship. Meanwhile, my extra duty pay from debate, class sponsor & department chair will get me very close to out of debt. Plus I also substitute during my plan frequently. Much of my debt is now actually home improvements, or so I like to believe. The cabinets 1K, the roof 1.5K, the water softener 1k, the new bathtub 3k, the doors almost 1K, ... Ok, so I lie to myself cuz that doesn't add up to the 10K, BUT all of my debt except the mortgage is at 0%. I'm going to keep it that way, if I can. I have 1K in a CD that matures in late Jan/early Feb, so if I am wise about Christmas I'll be fine.

Anyway... 9 months just doesn't allow for all that needs to be done and experienced while working full time, plus planning a wedding.

I want a WEDDING. I've done the elopement/small quiet thing. I want friends & family. I want to celebrate. FBE says he likes my minister & that he can perform our wedding. I think we'll wait awhile to tell the minister that. A Saturday morning outside as the sun rises followed by a big old breakfast buffet. Ok, so as FBE said, it might be hard to get guests to show up for a sunrise service in the summer, but at least it won't be too hot. But a hotel is only 2 blocks from the church which has a nice empty "future park" right beside it. August 8 is on a Saturday in 09, but it just doesn't have the same "ring" to it. I don't want huge debt from a ceremony either.

I want my dad to live to see us marry.

He only weighs 125 pounds, and was 5'10" tall. I FEEL like I'll be lucky to see him live to Christmas, but that is not based on medical opinion. FBE is going with me to the nursing home. I want my dad to at least see us together.

I want to be able to move to the farm land that my mom & her sisters own as newlyweds. I want them to sell me/us the land. I want us to have at least built enough of a house there for us to move into. This land is about 15-30 miles farther away than FBE's house, which he may or may not get in the settlement.

I know, I know... I want a lot of things, but haven't said what he wants, nor laid out a plan for how to make it all work. He likes my idea of the alternative school on the land. He likes the idea of living on the land. I'm not certain he knows I want to live there early in the marriage & not "some day." He is tempted by the 08-08-08, but knows it is impractical.

I wish I didn't have an innate urge to always be practical. I wish I was more comfortable with more spontaneity, whims & desires. I wish I was more comfortable with throwing caution to the wind. I am glad he too has an innate urge to be practical, and has some of the same wishes for himself that I have.

I wish I knew how to have my kids & him at the same time. Any solutions out there, World? We know that we just have to pray & wait for God's time to give us the solutions, but if any of you have God's answer for us, please feel free to share it.

One friend already wrote, "Who says you HAVE to live together right away after getting married?" Unique perspective, but have trouble with the idea, even though it has crossed my mind before. I told FBE that a part of me is tempted by a private ceremony just for us, and then later a public event once we are able to live together.

Yes, I know it was only a few short months ago I wrote that I wasn't ready for commitment, marriage, living together, mingling money, etc... I know. I know. I know. So even more reason to keep the legal stuff for later & just wait. BUT waiting will be hard because FBE is so awesome: Christian, sweet, trustworthy, communicative, supportive, sensitive, courteous, even keeled, wise, moral (except for being w/ me before divorce is final), honest (except for not telling his wife fully about our relationship), musical, capable, handsome & becoming even more so now that his sorrow & stress are dissipating, finely built body which is also improving as he has lost almost 20 pounds since he changed jobs. He listens to my words, my tone & my body language when he gets to see it. He knows when I'm angry, nervous, upset, frustrated, holding something back, or sad. He responds in ways that help the conversation continue. He knows how to make me laugh. He has common sense, parenting sense and money sense. He values his family. He is even trying to be sensitive to his wife's feelings & needs even though he wants the divorce more & more as she tries to stall the divorce. He says I understand him. I could go on & on, but it just adds up to that I love him, and he loves me, & we think this is more than just the "in love" that occurs early in all relationships.

Well, I've stalled on working on my to do list a lot longer than I should have, so I must go.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving. May you be as thankful for you life as God tells us to be, even in our tribulations.

Take care,
Pete

FBE's 10 yr old is such a sweetie... and my goodness he has told her a lot about me & our past & our present. I don't think my kids know that much about him or us. She likes reading & writing too. My last phone conversation with his number lasted 45 minutes; I spent over 30 minutes of it talking with her and not him. He had me on speaker phone so he interjected a few times, and translated a few times when I couldn't hear her.

Meanwhile, the wife is ... well, FBE has now hired his own lawyer again. The wife isn't talking to FBE, but having the pastor, her mother & the children deliver messages. She evidently just sat w/o talking in front of the pastor & the church woman that night she brought them over. FBE tried to talk with her, but she mostly wouldn't. The 13 yr old son called her a liar to the pastor, when she claimed that FBE was threatening her, & she had to seek refuge behind her son. I've heard him confirm that he said that. FBE says the church woman now see's FBE's perspective of it all, instead of the wife's. The wife keeps saying that she wants the marriage to last, that she doesn't want a divorce, but then she says she doesn't trust him to not hurt her or be faithful. Why would any one want to stay with some one they can't trust.

Now, why would another woman (me) want a man a wife can't trust? Cuz I know the kids adore FBE & like me. I know that if he was hurtful or abusive they wouldn't. Yes, he does get angry. Yes, I've chastised him for being childish towards her in his anger a few times, but by golly, if she is doing what he says, then I probably would have behaved worse towards her if I were him. Furthermore, I trust him because he was faithful to her for 25 years, despite her acting like she did not like physical intimacy. He gave her warning that he was tempted to look before he did. He did not cheat until after he filed for divorce. He did not cheat w/ just any one, but with some one she knew he had loved before. So, the only person I would have to worry about him cheating with is her, and let's just say that I'm rather certain he ain't tempted. If he's faithful to me for 25 years, ... well, heck he'll over 70 & I won't be far behind... & I've a date with a college sweetie when it's time to hit the nursing homes anyway. Yeah, that guy is happily married now, and we barely know each other anymore, but hey, a deal is a deal. And I'll be such a wild woman by then that I'll be able to keep up with 2 men if they can get it up. ;)

All those who believe that, raise your right hand, aim it at the reply button & tell me so.

Today's bedside table inspirational message states: "God has a purpose and a plan in the operation of the universe. God is never in a hurry, but God is ALWAYS on time."

When I was a teenager, I had a repeated dream that I was unmarried & pregnant, but it was NOT FBE's baby. I already knew by then that I had dreams that came true. But I also saw FBE & I together when we were older. It puzzled me. Then what do you know, but there came a time when I was unwed & pregnant, and now FBE & I are together. I could never have become who I am married to FBE, he was & is too nice to make me learn to stand up for myself. I had to get sick of being picked on. I would never have been strong enough to be a teacher with out my experiences away from FBE & with others. I could never have given kids the understanding ears w/o those experiences. They did not kill me, but they tempted me to die. They made me stronger, and I really hope I'm done with those kinds of experiences. Ok, being stronger wouldn't be bad, but I think it is now a matter of positive reinforcement and alternative perspectives for me to grow versus negative experiences.

May you have the experiences that help you grow stronger & be more faithful to God as you know he won't give you more than you can handle. May you remember that all joy is available through him also & everything will ALWAYs be on time.

Take care,
Pete

My dearest folks,

Where shall I begin?
Let me add on to the conversation FBE had with his daughter. I love it so. To recap: She caught him hanging up the phone from talking with me, she asked who he had talked to. He had said a friend; she had asked if it was a GIRL friend... she could tell. He did not lie to her; he told her that it was ME. Did she remember the woman at the park in September? Yes, she did. I am a real sweetie. She liked me. Were we going to get married? Well, he didn't know, but yes, it has crossed our minds to do so eventually.

Then today. His 14 year old son asked if he could be FBE's bestman when we marry. FBE told his son, that uh, it wasn't going to be anytime soon. Maybe in 3 years or so.

Yesterday morning: He had me on speaker phone with his kids as they were running some errands. I don't recall much of what was discussed except the pros of root beer & Pepsi over the yucks of Coke. They had been removing large tools from a workshop FBE owns that is on his Father-in-laws land. FBE was supposed to be taking his wife's stuff to the workshop, but I don't think he did. Silly man.

Last night: I had him on speaker phone with my boys. My eldest & I were wrestling around some. He was in my bed around his bedtime & wanted a back rub from me. A few nights ago, Eldest was lounging on my bed when FBE called. I put the earbud in to talk w/ FBE. I said something about plugging him into my ear. He made a comment about getting plugged into me. I said, "That's why I use the earbud & not the speaker phone." Eldest left the room saying he didn't want to know what was said. So last night, I told FBE that he was on speaker phone so he could say things that would make Eldest leave, but he didn't. They talked. Youngest son came in & they talked some too. THEN his son came into the room & whapped him. So then they were wrestling around. It was a night full of laughter.

Last night his wife still lived with him, but she was at her father's "trying" to set some things right. She was supposed to fix several things yesterday. She was to get the mail coming back to the house. Her stopping of his mail & the kids is very probably a felony & almost made some of their bill payments be late. She was to reconnect him to some bank accounts so that he could pay bills. She was to reconnect their son to the son's bank accounts. She did not. She was to return some guns back to the house. FBE bought safety locks for them. She did not. She had agreed to do these things if he went with her to her counselor (he did on Thursday night) and her lawyer, which he did on Friday during work hours. He kept his end of the bargain; she did not.

Some time since I last wrote, he cancelled his lawyer & was going to allow her lawyer to do all of the work, so that they could have a cheaper uncontested divorce. It ain't a happenin' the way she agreed to do it.

He just called. Just now. His words: Keep him in my prayers. WWIII just broke out at his house. A couple of ladies & the pastor are at his house. His bag is packed, & he'll call again in a little while.

Earlier today She was at church long after the after church potluck was over. He knew something was up, but didn't know what. He told her late last night & early this morning that she needed to quit saying that she didn't want the divorce to him & the church folks, but acting like she did w/ the banking, guns, etc. As far as he was concerned he was no longer going to act like they were married in any way. She needed to move out. He would reconnect with his own lawyer if she didn't start talking with him at home about how to divvy up their stuff.

He went to a different church this morning that they sometimes attended, while she went to the one they usually attended. He was so mad that he had rearranged & hidden some of her stuff, but hadn't removed it from the property. I told him that was just his anger & frustration making the situation worse, and that is was childish. If he wanted to do something, then he could take her clothes & necessities to her parents' house for her to use &/or her pack rat stuff to the workshop that he had emptied of his tools. He agreed & said he'd fix it. Last I talked to him was about 4:30; he was watching his son fish still. His wife was still at the church... just blocks away. She would most logically drive by them on her way home.

I wonder how it all went down. I'll know before long. I tried calling around 6:00, when he didn't answer I wondered why he didn't answer. And left a voice mail that said that I knew he was busy doing family things, but that when he needed to talk, I would be available. When by 7:30 he hadn't returned my call, I knew that there was some drama going on at the house, & I knew I could not call again. It was 8:30 when he called for just a minute.

The kids were already mad at her. Now, they'll be ticked off for certain. All three kids have told her that they want to live with their dad in their house. All three kids have told her that she should be the one to leave. They have different reasons, but it adds up to that they are angry with her & don't like the way she treats them or FBE. Yes, he has me in his life now, & they know it. Yes, it is technically immoral & wrong, but they don't care. They are glad their dad has some one in his life that makes him happy. They have no problem keeping their knowledge of me from their mom. BUT I wonder if some how youngest daughter said something accidentally. She was with her mom this morning. Perhaps what FBE has been saying for almost a month now finally sunk into his wife's brain. By the way, her pastor is about as negative about divorce as a church can be. Plus, she has lied to the pastor, & he is taking her side in it all.

I wonder if the kids will talk to the pastor. I wonder if they are in the house. I know they will speak their minds if they are nearby. I wonder if the grown ups will listen to their preferences as to which parent leaves. I wonder if they will mention me & make the whole thing become even worse.

I just wish this drama didn't have to happen ... Why does she have to make it WWIII? duh, ok. She is hurt & angry. She feels cast off for no reason. She doesn't "get it" when he explains to her why he can't take living with her anymore.

I hope & pray that things calm & settle down so that the kids can get some sleep & function at school tomorrow.

Time to go pray some more.

Take care,
Pete

FBE's 10 year old walked up to him as he hung up from talking with me. She asked with whom he had been talking. He said a friend. She said, A girlfriend. He told her it was me. She said, "Oh, she's a real sweetie." She remembered me from the park. She liked me. She has no plans to tell her mom. The mom/almost exwife knows FBE & I have talked some cuz he told her that we 've talked because I've been through a divorce before. But... anyway. The daughter is ok with FBE talking with me. Hooray! All 3 kids know. The wife is still trying to get a reconciliation.... or so she says, but she keeps doing things that make FBE even more certain that the divorce is the right thing to do. He is appalled, so are the kids. She had the mail diverted. I told him to get his diverted long ago, but he didn't.... Oh, well. He's living & learning the hard way. I wish he was less trusting of her, but in some ways it is more endearing that he is so trusting.

Got to go be a mom

Take care,
Pete

Prayers for the kid who dropped out last spring, contemplated suicide & did night school...life is tough for him again. He's hanging in there best he can.

Prayers for my 3 Karens: all of them have been having health issues.

Prayers for "my" soldiers in Iraq: Sean, Phillip, Jonathan, Daniel, plus my many unknown students who are over there.

Prayers for my youngest: He just isn't understanding that he has to do school work & chores.

Prayers for my dad: dementia & basic brain damage from strokes

Prayers for mom: putting up w/ Dad & other stuff.

Prayers for FBE's kids & almost ex-wife.... she ain't makin this quick & easy. Guess she's finally realizing he is something worth having. She needs comforting & a release from lots of past anger. I don't know at whom she is angry cuz it's old anger... but I would guess herself, & God & FBE & her parents. How do I know...packrat, depression, bitter negativity... all classic symptoms. & No, FBE is not my only source, just my main source.

His kids are doing surprisingly well, for now. They seem to truly love their dad. They call him at all hours just to talk with him. I hear them in the background when he & I are on the phone. The youngest is so sweet that I can't wait to meet her, but I have to. The older two are so outspoken that I admire their ease with speaking their feelings. Tough issues in front of them & they have the courage to speak up. Never heard of them being down right rude or vulgar, except once. Don't blame the boy in some ways... he'd just got his driving permit & mom wouldn't let him drive on some back country roads when he's driven in fields already.

Prayers for FBE: He still feels committed to the divorce... for more reasons than ever...negative reasons from wife & her family...positive reasons with me. But it's turning out to be harder to make actually happen than he thought. A few weeks ago his face was just all stress & tiredness. He's looking better, but he has lost his temper with her a few times. He says he apologized to her & the kids for a really bad night.

I watch him handle his anger... MUCH Better than my ex, but my past makes me worry just a bit anyway. He knows it. He knows everything I can remember to tell him.

I told him at the beginning that I see myself stuck here for 5 years because of kid custody issues. He asked me last week where I saw us in 3 years... Married before then, except I don't know how we resolve my kid custody issues. He asked cuz he was seeing the same thing. We can envision playing with grandkids together. We can envision working on projects together, traveling on the motorcycle, singing, praying, growing grayer together.

I can't imagine having to be ok with just some weekends here & there for 3 years, let alone 5.
I told him that saying good bye today was harder than sending him back to Germany in Sept. 1980. He understood.

It seems too odd that the first time he called was only 6 weeks ago. The cell phone has logged 82 hours of talking in October mostly to him, plus the last time either of us counted e-mails there were over 100 (some just 2-10 words, others true lengthy conversations), & we saw each other 110 hours through today. And we are basically usually asleep & not talking between the hours of 10 & 5:30 when we are apart.

It is hard to think of something we haven't discussed. Finances, financial beliefs: done. Religious beliefs: done. Husband/wife relationships: Done many times. Anger: done, many times. Life goals & dreams: done. Child rearing philosophies & experiences: many times. Previous relationships: done & doing as they continue to impact us. Politics: ok, could go deeper, but many social issues discussed. Our own past: done. Weather: daily ( he gives me my forecast.) Our daily activities: daily... 3-4 times daily. Pets: done. (He believes dogs belong outside, & so did I until mine ended up being allergic to grass.) Friends: hmm. He's heard of mine, but I don't know so much about his... he talks a lot about spending time w/ extended family though & I don't so much. Jobs: daily.

Well time for bed & it's too late to buzz him... oh well. There is always 5:30 in the morning... that's our habit. Call us wierd, but we've already gotten up & dressed by then (except for the day I overslept & he caught me naked). At 5:30 I usually start my commute, & he finds a way to not be overheard.

May you anticipate awakening & starting each day with the happiness I experience.

Take care,
Pete