Dear Ones,

Busy, busy, busy still. Middle son's graduation from junior high, & formal dinner/dance done. Eldest daughter's graduation PARTY, done. Basic syllabus for the Advanced Placement Audit, done. Prom pictures back; almost 99% correct & handed out--Done.

Tomorrow--- my school's graduation, cleaning chores, daughter working 8 hours for PAY;
Sunday --- my daughter's actual graduation, & the minister's last sermon & dinner with relatives & the ex.
Monday -- custody of kids legally, but nothing actually truly planned, because I forgot I had custody... I'm so used to giving them up on Sunday's, I forgot it was a holiday. I want to plan SOMETHING. I am selfish & want them to myself.

Before Tuesday--- put in attendance & grades for students; then the last 11 days will be a BREEZE of faking it & just accepting late work. My students will learn & do work... but white boards, discussions, presentations... nothing new to actually GRADE... OK, I lie. My AP class has written analysis of novels to turn in.... but there are so few of them now with the seniors gone...It will be easy.

Though none of you have posted your advice, yet. Some did e-mail me. But an interesting conversation happened that I must relate.

Wednesday when I was in class, Flirty called me & it was not about a student, or to find out if the page for me to go to the office meant I was in trouble. No. He asked if I was coming to his room at lunch. If it were alright, I probably would... well, he wanted to apologize to me. He thought perhaps some of the things he had said were inappropriate. It had bugged him all night. I told him that he had said nothing that needed to be apologized for, but it was about time that one of our conversations kept him up all night, instead of me. I told him I would come up & we would try to talk then since I was technically teaching at that moment.

So I went to his room for lunch time. The usual chess crowd was there. Eventually, they had to go to class, but I did not. This time as students came & tried to get him to do things for them, he told them to come back later. Usually he just takes care of business, and lets them interrupt. So we talk between pseudo interruptions. At one point he said something totally innocent in context to some one, but my brain went to the gutter,, but I was silent as children & others were around.. He noticed, but didn't comment. Then he had a phone call & he was concluding it when he said, to the person on the other end, "I don't miss a lick." If any one else had been in the room they could have told that my mind went way down into the gutter, without knowing me. He of course saw my thought, but had to finish the call. When he was done he asked what I had thought... & what was it that made me think it? I told him his line, but not my thought, which since I did not share with him, I won't with you either

But anyway. He asked, " Why won't you share your ideas... are you not a woman who is now able to speak her mind?" My brain thinks quickly... is he still reading my blog??? or did I finally say this out loud to him sometime? My reply, "There are times in a relationship when a boundary has been established that makes some comments inappropriate." He then asked, "What boundary did you create?" "None. I have created no boundaries in our relationship." "Me? What boundary did I create?" he asked. I said, "You created a boundary when you said that you have a lady friend." "oh." "Now, if that boundary were to cease to exist, I would tell you about many more thoughts that I have had about you." Contemplative look comes across his face... then a teacher walks in asking to use his microwave. She never left, until the bell rang & I had to leave, too.

& that is the story of our conversations. Bells, people, jobs. Thursday I was gone. Today/ Friday he was gone. Last I knew he was flying to Myrtle Beach this weekend. I always had the impression it was with the lady friend, but he never came out & said so. He only mentioned the trip once a long time ago. And he is a very private person. He just doesn't ramble on about his life like ... me. But he talks enough you get to know his values, if you listen. For all his Flirty ways, and tattoos & Harley riding, he is very caring, Christian, and well educated with a very wide variety of experiences. Down to only one thing about him I don't like. The chewin' tobacco. He used to say he was giving it up & just tucking in mint tea... but when I called him on that, he said, "Well, it sounded good at the time." He does agree it is a nasty habit, & he won't fight a woman about the issue. But it doesn't look like he'll give it up for her either.

Oh, well. 11 days of school left. Maybe just maybe we can have one finished conversation of importance.

May the Lord guide you in knowing what's worth fighting for, and what's not, and help you to have the conversations you need to have.

Love to you all,
Pete

Hey folks,

I guess my last few entries have been too long & too boring for any comments... ah, that's been my life. Except recently.

On the 4th two friends from work & I went to a place called "Funky Town." It is a dance club/disco whatever they are called now for old fogies like us. On the 4th we could not tempt men into asking us to dance, but the only married lady did attract the craziest as in uninhibited male dancer there. It was so much fun that on the 18th two of us went back. The married lady was going to come, but had to do mom things. It was again fun.

I even got to dance with a male... ok, old enough he can be called a man. From the finger holding up during loud music he could be anywhere between 51 & 66 years old. ( I have forgotten the order even though I only drank water.) & Polite enough I could even give him the possibility of being a gentleman. He looks like an older version of my first boyfriend ever... except shorter. Turns out "Budd" is "ex military"... Ray was just doing a 4 year stint.

I could make a short list of positives about Budd, but let me just say this: I don't want a guy who falls in love after 2 dances that he mostly spent watching my pelvis move. AND I would prefer to dance with some one who hears the faster beat & rhythm to music versus the slower rhythms. I have never danced so slow to fast music before in my life. I don't even know if I've danced that slow to slow music. No, he wasn't one of those slow dancers who just presses his body against you and barely moves. He was too gentlemanly for that. I could not find his beat/rhythm. I tried. I used to be able to match any guy's dancing... but this I could not do. He kept telling me to relax... I told him I was slow dancing for the first time in about 20 years. He said, "Let me drive" because I must have been leading, so I replied, "Then drive!" because he wasn't leading. Later he asked if he was barking up the wrong tree; I replied, "I didn't know I was a tree."

He tried to give me a condensed version of his life w/ his phone number. He asked only that I call if I come again to the place. He's nice enough I wouldn't mind talking or dancing with him again, so I accepted the number & said I would call if I came back. But I don't want my time monopolized by him, so I wish I hadn't. As I told him, the divorce is a ways in the past now, but I'm just now starting to step out.

You want to read something really shallow about me? If he were a better dancer, or even a faster dancer, I would be much more positive about him. As it is .... he's a dork. A sweet nice dork. & It sure is cool to know that I can move in a way that makes a guy fall "in love" after 2 dances of watching my pelvis dance.

What is kind of funny is that Flirty heard a little about the night from the co-worker. Her version of what she said was that I "got picked up." His version of what he knew was that a guy spent the night watching my butt as I danced. Flirty actually flirted with me today... the 2nd time in months and also in less than a week. He also admitted to having tried looking down my blouse before. I told him that I only caught him doing it once. He said, but you didn't seem to mind or move. I admitted that I had not. At one point he obviously was going to say something funny or flirty, but he stopped himself. I asked him why. He says I think too much about somethings he says. Which I must admit is true. Over all though, he was very inquisitive about my interactions w/ Budd & why didn't I like Budd more. Our conversation of course got interrupted.

The other flirty conversation was last week. I was hanging out in his office during lunch like I do frequently...too frequently... but I did not leave because it was my plan & I had no desire to go work. He said something about closing the door, taking a nap & starting rumors. I said I didn't mind rumors that were true. I don't remember the verbatim after that, but the door stayed open, and some kid we both know & are trying to help survive the year came in for advice.

Flirty told the kid that he doesn't give advice. I said, "that's true, he just asks you annoying questions that make you think it out for yourself." That is wise of him. I, on the other hand, do give advice. I usually give a few options to try. I ended up telling this young girl how I had learned a few things the hard way to explain where the advice comes from. Flirty quietly exited the conversation & moved to the far side of the room to do other work as the more personal sides of my life came out. But he heard. He has heard some of it before.

I know what I want to say if he asks me what I don't like about Budd again. I want to say that I happen to like some one else more. I learned recently that he still flirts with every one, but me. I am sooo stupid. Soo stupid. I should never go to lunch in his room again, or just happen to have an errand that takes me by his room during my plan again. 12 days of school & 2 teacher workdays. Then I'll stop, because I'm stupid & should have stopped months ago. Was it not just a few entries ago I said that I wasn't going to not speak my mind any more. Yeah, right. All who believed that were as gullible as I am stupid.

It is time for you to give your sage advice, readers. All who think I should spill my guts, let me know. All who think, I am doing the right thing by making him speak first or never, let me know too. All who think a summer out of sight will get him out of my mind, let me know. Any one who is stupid enough to think that a summer absent from me will make his heart grow fonder, come buy some seaside lots from me in Kansas I need the money to get my head examined.

May the Lord give you the fun and wisdom you need to enjoy your life.

Hi again folks,

Did any one notice the name change? It used to say Optimistic Cynic. But that meant I was a cynic at heart... and I'm not. I am an optimist at heart who has lived long enough to be cynical at times.

Went to church today. Pastor asked us if we were authentic. Are we real? It reminded me of a student's email last summer that told me I was the most authentic teacher she had ever known. But then as I listened to the sermon, based on 1st Thessalonians 1:1-10ish, I began to wonder. Am I real like the Christians of Thessalonica?
Do I know that God is my father? Yes. God has been my provider, & comforter & creator. I've testified to that most of my life.
Do I know that Jesus is my Lord? My authority. Yes, I've used his teachings to guide my decisions.
Do I know Jesus is my Christ? the anointed one? Yes, I believe he was prophecy fulfilled.
Did I know Jesus is the Jewish word for Joshua or Jeshua which means salvation? My salvation? I think I forgot that one along the way.

If I had remembered that, why would I be wanting forgiveness from men of my past & myself? Would not knowing that God & Jesus have forgiven me, just because I want to be forgiven, be enough? Be even better?

If I knew all of the above, I would have God's grace & shalom in my life. I know I have the grace. But there has been a part of my soul that did not let the shalom in. For so long just having the grace was so wonderful, such a light unto my soul that I didn't realize the shalom wasn't really there. I knew I wasn't "at peace", but I just thought that if I got the right man, got the kids weaned & potty trained, just got back into a "real" job, just got out of a miserable marriage, just got the debts paid, just crossed a few things off of my life long "to do list"... THEN I would have peace.

I got great kids; I got a great job (yes, I know I complain about it, but it is so good now); I got freedom from the marriage. A man may be fun, but won't give me shalom. My "to do list" won't give me shalom. It might keep me busy and give me goals to strive for, but not shalom. Only God & Jesus can give me that, if I remember that Jesus is my salvation. If I embrace Jesus as my salvation.

So, am I an authentic Christian? I've been saying yes for longer than I can remember, but always with part of my soul heavy, tired & aching for shalom. There is a part I never grokked. Even as I type this, I wonder how do I give this aching to God & Jesus. How?

I spoke with a lady from church. I think I can call her a friend now. She was just a really nice acquaintance before. She prayed for the kids I've told the church about. She prayed for my school. She would always ask after them. She confesses her struggles to the congregation at the invitation. I just felt she would know what to do. She told me to talk out loud to God & Jesus about it all. I've talked in my head and written for decades, but I've never talked out loud. Well, today has been a day when I was always moving fast, like the poem in the previous blog says not to.... so I've still not done so. I ask for your prayers this week as I begin talking out loud.

There was more to the sermon...
Works of faith? That's the optimist in me; the part that knows God is my provider who will be there if I just take the first step of faith. I keep stepping & he keeps answering prayers & providing.

Visible labors of love? I think I do that, but not as often as I could. If I had done more, perhaps my marriage would have not just gotten better, but actually have been good. Perhaps my youngest son wouldn't have a huge chip on his shoulder. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.... I can work on this.

Steadfastness, perseverence, firm hope in the Lord Jesus Christ? Back to that again... I may be an optimist with hope, but I'm cynical too & forgetful that Jesus is my salvation.

Can people tell that I am a Christian by the way I talk? Well, by the way I write, yes. By the way I talk? Sometimes.

Can people tell that I am a Christian by the way I act? Sometimes, yes. But I am
certain that people who saw me Friday may not have been able to tell. Yes, I had on my cross necklace as a helpful hint. But... well, I hesitate to say that Christians can't dance & flirt. Because I think we can. I think we can even drink alcoholic beverages, & I didn't get drunk. I was not the lewdest dancer, and I did not use profanity. But I still think that group wouldn't have known I was a Christian as I was not stereotypical. But I think the stereotype is much more stuffy & prudish than God & Jesus intended.

Well, whether I'm right or wrong, I could improve in this, because I am not known as an example to believers & unbelievers far & wide. I'm not even certain every one I see at school everyday knows, and I know my neighbors do not. I barely even know them, let alone love them.


When I talked with the lady at church, I mentioned that I am not the girl, the victim, the powerless girl of my past. I am not she who used to use my first name as an identifier. I am Pete. or Ms. Pete to my students. I feel awkward around church folks & old friends & family who call me by my first name, because I am not her. Yes, she is still in me, and I couldn't be who I am if she hadn't been who she was.

I did not tell the church lady that if not for my past I could not identify with my suicidal students & friends. I could not relate to the bully & rape victims, or the women in abusive relationships that I meet. True, all of their stories are worse than mine, and maybe they think my experiences are petty compared to theirs. I did not get the physical bruises and violence. And I am thankful to God for his protection in that. I wish that I didn't have the emotional bruises, because I'm tired of waiting for them to heal. I'm tired of trying to make them heal through my own thoughts and actions. And so I will try this talking aloud and turning it over to God & Jesus. And if you have any other advice besides medication & $100/hour therapists, let me know.

I wonder if it is healthy the way I have renamed myself with the help of my students. I wonder if it would not be healthier to accept my young self & go by her name. But I really don't like the name, nor any of the nickname versions of it either, so whether it is healthier or not, I'm not going to for now. Just call me Pete. That is what people who meet me today call me. That is the person they know. Maybe someday I'll change.... It would be odd to remarry & still be called by a version of the ex's last name.

Hmm, did I just put remarriage as an option in my life??? On reflection, that doesn't sound good yet. But that is because I still see marriage as a cage for the powerless victim of my past. Some one would have to convince me that marriage can be empowering instead of powersapping first. Some one who knows each day that God & Jesus are important in our daily lives & not just Sundays. And it would be helpful if I finish growing up first. It's bad enough that many of my significant male relationships have used the phrase "You're too young..." [before they relented & decided I was just too appealing to care about my youthfulness anymore ;) ], now even I am telling myself I need to finish growing up.

On Friday, the bouncer/ID checker had to see if I was over 21... Yeah, right... the blonde dye won't even stick to the hair that is beyond gray. But maybe he was right: a part of me is still stuck at age 17, another part stuck at 21; sometimes I even get stuck back in elementary & junior high school when I feel the pain the school bullies caused.

Oh, dear... it's 10:30 & I've got to show some loving concern to my kids who are vegging in front of the tv instead of in bed where they belong... as do I.

May you know Jesus is your salvation & source of shalom.

Swiped this from a friend's blog , who isn't the author. Hope the author doesn't mind.

SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask, "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done,
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down;
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child,
"We'll do it tomorrow?"
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Poem by David L. Weatherford

Well folks,

It has been a couple of busy weeks.

Let me start with yesterday after work first... it was the most fun I've had in 20 years. I went dancing. Not square dancing. Boogying, discoing, call it what you will. First 5 of us lady teachers went to the Cheesecake Factory & quaffed more than adequate amounts of sugar. Then 2 of us kicked back at another's apartment for a couple of hours. And then we went dancing. We got there a bit nerdishly early, and thanked the ID checker for the complement... I've not been asked for ID for 21 years. Despite the risk of never getting to dance with a man, we went out upon the dance floor as a trio. I eye-contacted with as many handsome, cute, & reasonable looking men as I could, & yet I only danced with my two female friends anyway. I must have lost something( or perhaps it was the 70 pounds I gained ?) since I last entered such an arena. I used to get all the dances I wanted with the guys I wanted back then. The only one of us 3 that got to dance with a man was the married woman (trying to get enough money to get a divorce) who looks 8 months pregnant though she is not. She is a crazy fun lady, and the man, we all agree, was crazier. We laughed at him a good portion of the evening.

He didn't ask her to dance; he just joined us a couple of times when we were dancing. He gave me the eye contact that I was trying hard to avoid with him. I declined dancing with him, by just turning away as I danced. I let him have my friend. He was too much of a loose cannon for me. Their dancing styles were more similar. On the last dance we did... funky town...I saw him coming up behind her and warned her that he was on his way. He put his hands on her hips & pulled in close. She expertly took his hands into hers, & off her body, put some distance between their bodies & kept the dancing going. On the way out to the car moments later, she was verbally expressing her, "oh, my god's" about how it freaked her out. I hope that if I ever get freaked out that way, that I can just as gracefully extricate myself. Why ruin dancing by slapping a man? The man wasn't scary crazy, just a goofy unabashed crazy dancer. He actually reminds us of a student we have. The other students talk him into dancing so they can make fun of him. The dancing student does not get it that the other students are making fun of him & not actually appreciating his moves. Maybe it is better emotionally for him to remain naive so that he can have some iota of self-esteem? or perhaps we should wise him up & make him conform better? I don't know. Every one in the club wishes with some part of their soul that they could be as uninhibited as that man was... though we might not all choose to show our freedom in such ways as he did. The man had fun; we had fun. Maybe our student will evolve into a similar man if we leave him be? I'm always preaching to my kids about being self-reliant instead of conforming just to be conforming. Ok, I preach to myself, too.

Last Friday, the high school prom for which I was a sponsor seems to have been well complimented. My friend of 23 years was my escort. we did not dance, but there was a song that the DJ said was "Grab a teacher & make them dance time." Two of my students approached at the same time from different parts of the room & I got to dance with two young men at the same time for the first time in my life. My escort & I did some good talking early in the evening, and then I kept abandoning him to do supervisory crap. He seems to deal well with it. He tried to kiss me again. We had talked beforehand about how he was to keep his lips to himself. It was on the cheek during a goodnight hug, and maybe I made too big of a deal when I reprimanded him. Though I am a huggy person in some ways... I wasn't raised by huggers, but always wanted to be one & evolved into one when I went to college. ... I am not a hug & kisser for greeting or goodbying. But anyway... He only tries this kissing stuff at prom. He & I rarely see each other, but he doesn't do it at other times. I am grateful for his attendance & company. And after last night's dancing I am wondering if he dances w/o kissing, esp. since he hasn't danced at either prom.

I have to find more friends to go dancing with more frequently. I love it, and maybe someday I'll find a guy with whom I don't mind dancing & kissing.

Anyway. The prom went well except it appears that the King dishonestly finagled a teacher signature on his permission form. The teacher is completely innocent. The King also has been heard bragging that he stuffed the ballot box. If the junior class president hadn't already started working on counting the ballots by the time I was done helping at the front door, I would not have let this creep win by the mere 5 votes more he had. I would have cheated for the runner up. You see we all love the runner up & know this guy is a creep, but we didn't know he had cheated until it was too late. Last year when another teacher manipulated the vote, I thought it unethical, but I would have had no problems this year. Thus I will change the balloting format for next year by giving every one their one ballot as they come in the door. And only grown ups will count the votes next year.

If we can get more teachers involved, we will also supervise the putting of ballots into the box better. That was probably the most disappointing part of the evening at the time. There were us 2 official sponsors, our ever helpful art teacher who came late because she was making her dress, the principal who came a little late & left early, 2 vice principals, our instructional coach, , & 3 other teachers who only came for a little while each. Oh, and the paid female security guard from school that NO ONE likes. 11 of us, out of 40 adults in the building. I have to forgive the principal for his short stay... sort of.

The prom was Friday. On Saturday the principal had 180 professionals & teachers & students organized to come fix up our building w/ landscaping, repairs & painting. Due to the schedule of the main organizing group he didn't have much choice in days. His excuse for leaving prom early was to be ready for Saturday. I on the other hand stayed to clean up prom decorations, and still made it to the work day. True I got there about 45 minutes after he had asked us teachers to arrive, but I had to drop off the rented stanchions, ropes, red carpets & helium tanks at three places. The first opened at 7:30 in my town & I was there by 7:33. Then I picked up some donuts & my kids, and we drove 35 minutes to the red carpet place, then went a couple of miles north to the helium place & then a few miles farther north to the school. So... I was up & working before he was & I was up later than him... the wuss. Nah, I'm just joking. I actually like this principal.

When I came home from working at the painting party, I felt a bit achy. I laid down to rest & realized 2 hours later that I had a fever & was SICK. I was SICK Sunday & Monday. I was better, but not well when I went to school Tuesday. On the drive home Tuesday, I heard it was supposed to rain, and my yard was already almost tall enough to have the neighbors call the city on me. So I mowed the front yard. Then it rained everyday since then. The back yard is still in desperate need.

Why am I not there now doing it? Because I got on the computer to finish getting the electronic grade book for my classes done. Grades were due Friday before I left work. But alas, the server kept crashing on Friday & again today I can't access it. So they are not done.

I have done lots of laundry today. I have figured out how to pay for my daughter's college today. I have manipulated my own finances so as to not have to pay serious interest on a credit card bill for my kitchen cabinet face lift from last summer. The cabinet project was on a 0% for a year deal from Sears. I got a good portion of it paid off, but not all of it, so I found another 0% deal to transfer it to. Hopefully by the time this one expires I will have it paid off.

The really sad thing is that I played that same game with the credit cards I used to pay for the divorce & house furnishings. The dollars of debt are going down, just not as fast as I had hoped. Somehow all that money I got in the settlement just didn't go very damn far. 1/2 of it paid off the Bonneville, so I could just sell it without complications when I got the Toyota Matrix with it's much better gas mileage & lower taxes & lower insurance rate. Then the roof had to be done & the deductible was large & the insurance wouldn't cover some of my costs because the replacement of the underlayment was just wear & tear & not hail damage. And then the Matrix decided it could run over a semi trailer tire piece & that cost me the newly raised $500 deductible, and the 2 week car rental.

At the start of the divorce I had the washing machine & dryer & TV on a Sears Card at 0%; I had the couch and the kids beds & desk on a furniture store at 0%, and another 0% card that I used for miscellaneous items for bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen. Then the divorce took longer & thus more money so I had to put the lawyer on the credit card too through those "convenience checks." The ones I had cost me 3% transaction fee, but were then at 0%. I think for a while I was delaying Peter to pay Paul with money that was coming from Peter, or John who was going to need paid back too. Everything has been transferred at least once now at the "low rate of a one time 3% transaction fee," but except for the Bonneville during the first 6 months of the process of divorce, and the mortgage, I haven't paid real interest but once when a transfer took 4 days too long. I suppose if I do this game many more times they will figure it out, and my credit rating will drop. But maybe I will get rid of the debt in this 3rd year. It is soon 2 full years since I made my down payment on the lawyer & moved out.

I'm working summer school to help get rid of the debt. I am tempted to go sell plasma to get rid of the debt. I hate debt. I have always paid down loans faster than required. Student loans, car loans, mortgages. All paid for long before their due dates. I have one other strategy I could use to help pay them down faster, but I am loathe to do it. I could reduce how much money goes into my retirement accounts. I picked some things with good returns, and the more I put in now the more money there is to grow on its own over the next 25 years until I can retire at 67 and start tapping into my 403 (b)s & IRAs & social security if it still exists.

When I put it that way, I understand why Flirty saw me as too young. His years of service plus his age allow him to retire early from teaching. He figures that if he coaches one more year, then works one year after that then he will retire. He won't be old enough to draw social security for a few more years. So don't go thinking he is that old. I am wondering what he plans on doing though. He isn't a sit around and do nothing or just play golf type of guy. He is doing many improvements to his house this year, so I would think he will stay in it. But his grandkids live 7 hours away, so maybe he will move closer. He was lamenting how his own kids grew up with out him truly there, and now so are his grandkids.

Yeah, he & I still talk between all that damned bell ringing & people stopping by trying to make us do our jobs of him counseling & me department chairing & my other committees. With prom done, and my schemes to create less paperwork to grade for this last month, maybe just maybe I'll feel like we actually get a few conversations ended. Though the insanity of being attracted to him has diminished greatly, I have learned that I was mistaken about him in many ways. He is actually a very nice, sweet, wise reserved man. He also lied about using mint tea instead of regular chaw... ew gross. But golly gee, come summer it's going to feel like going cold turkey... will it be "out of sight, out of mind," or "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? If I'm wise, it will be out of mind. But for the dream I had to come true, both hearts will have to grow much fonder, especially his. A few other teachers & even some students tease me about him, & it is hard to respond as just a friend should to the teasing.

I usually have a party at the end of the summer break. This year I think it will be August 10th, but I may have to take my daughter to college around then... so we'll see. To it I invite my friends from here & there that I think might appreciate an evening of board games, food & music. You're invited if I know you by name & face. But since I don't know Flirty's phone number, nor address, I am thinking of giving the invitations during the last week of school this year to the school friends. But come to think of it, he might still be out towards Stirgus that early in August. Maybe a delay until the 24th would be better. I can hear you all now... how can I plot when you know he knows about this blog? Because, he doesn't understand blogs. He doesn't have his own computer. He doesn't know that he can return again & again to the link I gave him months ago to read new things. He thought it was like a series of e-mails, which it is sort of. He has certainly deleted the e-mail that had the link to it long ago. And boy howdy will I be a bit embarrassed if I'm wrong.

Yesterday at lunch time he said something about wealth while I was in his room so I remembered to ask for his phone book to look up a wealthy male's address from my college years. I had never heard of the street before & asked if he knew where it was. Yes, he does. It is sort of on his way home. So then he asked me if I had a hot date as he drew a map of the area to help me locate the place. There were kids in the room so I said, "No, far from it. " He was then very curious. But with the kids in the room I didn't want to talk about that male having sex with my body with out my consent 21 years ago.

Eventually the students left. He thinks it is wrong of me to let the man know I forgave him long ago. He thinks I should just let it be & not disrupt the man's life for what he did as a boy. Surely the man has moved on, passed it & forgotten it by now. I should just let his life be his life. I said that it was very unlikely that someone would forget events that led to being suicidal. I want him to know he is forgiven. He was just a kid who didn't really have a clue what was going on. It did not occur to me at the time that I also want to apologize to the man for what his boyself had to go through, but I do. You see I was just a girl who felt powerless & not because of what he was doing. I wish I had felt more personal inner strength way back then so that awful year of grieving, trying to function & trying to keep the boy alive too would not have had to happen. And as tears stream down my face...and they weren't there a couple of sentences ago or at school either.... I am surprised. I thought I was done crying over this a long time ago. It has been 10--11 years ago since I last cried when remembering these events. I was in counseling then trying to figure out how I was in a collapsing marriage. & the event between the wealthy boy/man & I were 10 years or more in the past even then.

I have been suicidal twice in my life. Once was the summer of 1982. The other was the spring/summer of 1986. The wealthy boy/man event was the latter, but I denied being suicidal then. I had promised God in 1982 that I would never contemplate it again. I "just wanted to take a long vacation, like in a hospital or something." I didn't trust myself with a medicine cabinet one day, so I drank instead. I've told you all this before.

Both events are tied to me breaking up with men I thought I loved. I was the one who broke both relationships off, not them. I, of course, thought at both times that I was grown. I've wanted to apologize to the first man now for 22 years for how I broke up with him.. yeah, I could have written the whole 25 years, but I think reality is that it took me awhile to grow up enough to know I wanted to apologize. I was not grown up enough to just speak my mind & tell him how I felt. I used a ruse of mixed up letters, and I still had serious feelings for him. Emotionally, I wanted to marry him. I was just well... I wanted college. I wanted to be a teacher. I didn't THINK I had a chance of that with him as my husband. I was afraid of the poverty & baggage his family brought. I was a bit of a snob & afraid, but I didn't realize the snob part until much later in life.

So wouldn't you know it... I broke off the wealthy boy/man relationship because I realized he was a snob... and 2 years later I was married to a man whose family had just as much "baggage" as the poor man's family. I just didn't realize the full extent of it until too late. My ex is a snob, too. He just wasn't wealthy at the time, so it was harder to see. And my husband gave me just enough real reasons to live in real fear of the next reason. It is amazing how long one death threat and 2 separate shoves can have such lasting impact when sprinkled with subtle insults & verbal explosions.

I want to apologize to the first man & know I am forgiven by him for being a stupid child who treated him very wrongly. Yet when I saw him at Christmas I didn't. I want to let the 2nd man know I forgave him, just in case he still has moments of feeling crappy too. I want to forgive myself too for both events. Heck, as I read over it I look at the flow of thought & realize I might want to forgive myself for being so stupid as to not leave that marriage sooner even if it did usually seem to be getting better until that last year. Women, please realize that "better" ain't always "good."

So do I follow my gut, and contact wealthy male & apologize to him & let him know I forgave him? or do I follow Flirty's advice and leave it be? Flirty said that the only way I could contact the man & not disrupt his current family life was to contact him at work, but I don't know where he works. I only know where his brother works.
How do you go about forgiving yourself, when you know you're not that person anymore. Ok, I see remnants of her still, but just remnants. Flirty said something about that Friday... about me not being that girl anymore, so I could just leave it in the past & move on... But something in me says it is unfinished business that needs finished. The question is How does if become finished, done, over with never to replay through with crying jags anymore?

Reality is: It doesn't matter that I feel like a woman; the little girl in me is stilled messed up. Until I have figured it out, there will be problems with any new romantic interests that come my way despite how much flirting, dancing or kissing we enjoy doing. Yes, it will be awhile until dreams can wisely come true, and I am so tired of stupidity in my life.

Well, the school computer server still won't come up & the yard still needs mowed. & it isn't that long until my daughter is all dressed in her long slinky formal with her hair up for her prom. I am invited over to the ex's to see her & her beau & to take pictures.... gee, how can it be already that she is that old?
It seems like just a week ago I was going to my prom... oh, it was... hahahahahahaha....See I do have a sense of humor despite all this analyzing & thinking too much...

Flirty says I analyze too much; I wonder what people who don't think all of the time do. Stay sane? My brain never shuts up. Last night it came close as it let my body move & sing automatically to the music, laugh and try to create eye contact with men... and yet it was still technically multi-tasking on the crowded dance floor.

....

I just talked to the daughter; a life time friend of hers, one of my first daycare clients that I met when she was only 10 months old 16 years ago was in a car wreck last night. She has a serious injury to her liver & is in ICU. Prayers please.

May you feel God's grace & forgiveness in your life.