A friend warned me that I am in uncharted waters & that I should look out for whirlpools of despair. It may be uncharted waters, but I am there with a dear friend who also sees the way the waters ebb & flow. There may be some big waves & coral reefs to work around, but there are no whirlpools of despair or regret.

There are amazing feelings of comfort & joy.

There is an amazing ease of communication. We've covered some hard topics very quickly. It helps that he is still actually going through the divorce in some ways. When his wife gets frustrating, then he explains why its frustrating & shares his emotions & thoughts. I have on occasion pointed out that I can be like her.... though I usually am not.

She knows I exist. She asked frequently. At first his answer was no, because we had not re-met & then were barely communicating. Then he moved up to, "but I ain't sitting around once its done" because we were communicating. Now he's up to "maybe, but I wouldn't tell you if there was." Last night she asked if this maybe, is me. She used my name. He replied, "Maybe, but it's none of your business." You see, she's being told by her friends that shared custody doesn't work. He said he'd been talking to people too & they say it does work. She asked who he'd been talkin' to. He said, something about remember that he talked to some one for 2 hours at fall festival & that is how we do it.

He asked me how I felt about her knowing. I said I'm glad she doesn't know where I live, and I worry that she will be angry & vengeful in the divorce proceedings, but I'm glad the complete lie isn't there anymore. We all three know that his answer was obviously not the whole truth. It also makes her know that she has lost him & that he's not coming back to her. Plus according to her religious beliefs adultery is the only acceptable reason for a divorce. So she can now blame him for the divorce instead of accepting the blame of being a negative criticising frigid packrat of a wife who made it easy for some one else to look appealing.

Despite what FBE says, she's been competing with me for him for about 24 years even though I've not been around except the last 2 months. Yes, he loved her & still has compassion for her. BUT: If he saw my parents, he asked about me. He told his kids that I was the one who got away. When he found out I was divorced, he began to wonder what if... When he saw me last winter at a pizza place for 2-3 minutes with our families, he got a glimmer of hope. When he saw me at the church service, he decided to step forward with faith. She saw us together, & was not pleased. When we were together recently, he said he had waited 25 years for this experience. I had to tell him that it wouldn't have been "this" 25 years ago. He understands me.

I don't think she realizes he has been to visit me. He did not come until after he filed for divorce. She did call his brother in Iowa to see if he really was there this past weekend. He was, because I told him he wasn't going to lie to his wife about everything. We just didn't tell her that I was there at the kitchen table listening. I like that brother & understand why he is FBE's favorite. The brother has never liked FBE's wife.


It feels so good to share concerns & worries & joys with FBE. I've never been in a relationship before where I could talk about my fearful, nervous & cautious emotions. When we dated before, I could write some of it to him, but we never talked about them. He didn't used to communicate about emotions either, but now he does. If either of us changes the subject away from a hard topic, we bring it back gently & finish it up.

With 6 kids, 180 miles and 1 1/2 ex spouses, & scars from a total of 37 years of bad marriage (his 20 & my 17) we have plenty of fearful & nervous emotions to go around.

We agreed yesterday, that despite the fact that neither of us are actually moving slowly into this emotionally, that we will keep telling ourselves & the rest of the world that we are going to take this slowly. I am not ready for a living together relationship. He needs to let the dust settle in his life & figure out how he likes to live w/o her. He told me once this weekend that he loves me. I told him that it was very tempting to say it back, but I'm not going to & he needed to not say it again for awhile. So he now says that it would be very easy for him to fall in love with me and that he loves the time we spend together in person or on the phone; I can say those things to him. If I were in my 20's or younger, I would say that I'm in love, because I have most of the symptoms. As I am older, I say that I'm afraid to fall in love.

We dislike that we are stuck 180 miles apart due to our shared custody arrangements & jobs.

Meanwhile we each easily envision our futures together. We have shared our individual dreams & goals & see that they easily overlap & compliment each other....once I move back to take care of my folks' stuff. Until then it's complicated.

Unless Mom gets in bad shape before my youngest graduates from high school in at least 5 years, I'm here. I can't take care of Mom & Dad's stuff from a distance. The only other hope is that the Ex screws up so badly that my sons refuse to live with him & are willing to move with me. I won't hold my breath. I told FBE that my kids come first, & I won't move to where I see them less unless I have to care for my parents. He understands.

He's lucky that his older two kids don't want to live with their mom, but he's going to have the youngest 2 visit her on the weekends I don't have my kids. We don't need chaperoned every time we see each other. The oldest 2 girls are both 18, but his is a month younger & still in high school. Coincidentally, my daughter's name & his daughter's name are almost the reverse of each other with one's middle name being the other's first, and one's first being VERY similar to the other one's middle. ( & we have more important things in common too.)

But 5 years of travelling back & forth is not appealing. I don't want our "taking it slowly" to last that long & neither does he. But we also don't want anything bad to happen to Mom, and we'd like my kids to have a decent relationship w/ their father/the EX even if he is a jerk. He is a good father most of the time.

I've been home Tuesday, Wednesday & today with a really bad cold. I feel like I"m coughing up my lungs. But the doctor told me it's just a virus. I had told her that my new boyfriend started Zithromax on Thursday & that I saw him the Monday before & the Friday after. She says, he wasted his money on the Zithromax if he had the same thing I do. She asked how long I have known him. Told her I met him when I was 12, but that our first date in 25 years had been that previous Monday. She said that I should have fun & enjoy him, so I'll take her advice for now.


My mom also recently told me that life is short so I should have fun & enjoy it. She does NOT know about FBE, yet except that she was there at the park when we started the first two hour talk. She didn't stay for the whole thing. She lives in the same community as FBE. Mom's not a gossip, but we thought it best if the area didn't find out about us faster than his wife did. He & I may do some of the Thanksgiving & my parent's 50 wedding anniversary weekend together, so I'll have to warn her before then.


I told my daughter about FBE, but she hasn't responded. The sons seem OK with it, except they tease me about being on the phone a lot. They do not know he is not fully divorced yet. I won't be telling them anytime soon, if ever. OK, eventually I might have to, unless his 2 older kids tell my kids first. Yes, they know, but his youngest does not. His 18 yr old is glad the divorce is happening & has stated that she is glad her dad is happier. She calls & teases him about me, when he's here. I think I told you that she guessed & he didn't lie.

One last coincidence has happened. In August on a whim I signed up w/ a computer matching/dating service. In August, I got a few e-mails & phone conversations from it. In September, I initiated a few contacts, but didn't get many responses. In August & September, I prayed to God, telling him that I didn't know if any of these men or this process would be right for me, but that I knew he would provide me with a good man if I was to ever have one, again. Do I consider the reappearance of FBE in my life in early September ... & at a church service at that...& even more noticeably in my life in early October an answered prayer? Not yet.... right now it's just an interesting coincidence that I'm recording for history. Maybe God just knows that we both wouldn't healthfully "move on" with our lives until we had reconnected. Time will tell.

I told FBE that I was grading papers today while I'm home sick, so I should move on to that so I won't be lying to him when he calls during lunch. I've never talked on the phone so much in my life... in the morning before work, at lunch, on the drive home from work & often again around bedtime. I didn't talk to my husband this much in person even, perhaps that's why he's the Ex?

May you do the talking and praying you need to do to live a full and complete life.

Take care,
Pete

Time to spread some joy to the women of the earth....sorry, you men just won't truly appreciate this... Women go to www.joleneroxbury.com/amrox1.html & track down the ob-gyn answering machine message by Jolene Roxbury . When I went there, it just played it without me trying to make it work. a few fun phrases to tempt you... mammary gravitational program... S.U.I.T = sumpthin up in thar

I have lots of joy in my life at this time.... People, including some previously rude students, just keep complimenting me on my joyful radiant glow.

I did not listen very well to conventional wisdom of my friends or myself. I did not run in the opposite direction. I quit worrying in the last few days about it being STUPID & in the realm of WRONG. The FBE is a very nice gentleman, & we have lots more in common after being apart for 25 years than we did. His friends have noticed that he is happier & less stressed too. His 18 year old daughter even figured out why, & she's happy for him & keepin' his secret with out being asked to.

He has filed for divorce, & the wife finally believes him that it's over... She ran to the bank, just like I told him she would. He, being a nice guy, didn't go there first, like I told him to. He's lucky he has any money left. She's at the mad vengeful stage... the denial & bargaining stages are over. She knows that he's at least curious about some one else cuz he admitted it though he still insists the divorce is unrelated to that. He tells me that the timing is just a coincidence. I don't know if she suspects me. Glad she doesn't know how to find me.

Really, really appreciate that he does know how.

We also appreciate that e-mail exists & that we have the same cell phone company. If we didn't, our calls would cost more than his lawyer.

May you have the opportunity to smile so much your face hurts, laugh so much your belly aches, and ..... that you find some one whose presence fills your life with radiance & joy.

Take care,
Pete

Dandelions.

I have many in my yard right now. I've been pulling them this weekend. It rained, so their usually stubborn taproots are coming out. I mentioned pulling them to FBE.

Then I remembered that I have told men in the past that they are the perfect symbold of love. And that if they truly loved me that they would get over the standard acceptable gifts & flowers & they would be brave enough to give me dandelions... plus if they pulled them from my yard, it would certainly be helpful to my landscaping attempts.

When asked to explain why they are symbolic of true love, this is what I say:

They are adaptable. They are indestructible. Yes, when picked/abused the blossoms can wilt very quickly, just like the giddiness of "in love", but the underlying plant continues to grow anyway. The tap root runs deep into the core of the earth. Like love's roots go deep into our core. The blossoms are full of light & are happy looking. Love makes us shine & be happy. The seed heads allow us to have fun & be silly when blowing them. Love spreads like the seeds when joy is present. Meanwhile, the leaves can give you sustenance when you are hungry & from the plant you can also get a tea full of vitamin c & supposedly also a wine. Love can get us through hardships. It's a versatile little plant. And love should be too. It's a good plant to have at your side, just like love.

But I still don't want them in my yard, or my salad.
FBE told his wife that he wants a divorce. She's not happy. She wants time to work things out. He says he's telling her no. He's given it time over & over again & he is done. She has asked if there is some one else twice now. The first time last week he said, No, that's not why he's getting a divorce, but that he's not going to sit around once the divorce is final. I told him that he basically told her with that "but" part that there actually is someone in the wings waiting. The second time which was today he said, Maybe, he doesn't know for certain yet. When asked if he had feelings for some one else, he said, Maybe, he wasn't sure what there was. But that he decided on the divorce before the maybe came around.

Meanwhile... the maybe on my side is dissipating fast. From what he says to me, its dissipating fast on his side too, but since he wanted the divorce before Labor Day weekend, then she needs to know that the divorce is about her & him... not me & him. I agree that everything would be messier if she thinks there is a him & me. I wish that he hadn't admitted to her that a "maybe" exists for that reason, but I really like his honesty.

And though we talk a lot (about 15 hours worth) & e-mail a lot (around 100), & we are tempted to wonder if we have something that will survive & last... there are things we won't know until we actually spend physical time with each other. & I don't mean time being physical sexually, but I do mean being near pheromes. PLUS, watching each other move, our facial expressions, the way we act around each other in public, seeing what ticks us off. Do we get road rage, just annoyed, or go with the flow? Do we walk with pride, self loathing or arrogance? Talking on the phone, helps some, but it's not the same. ...but I now love cell phones & really appreciate that we have the same company so all of our minutes/hours are FREE.

I wonder if he still wears Brut. I've thought of him everytime I've smelled it during the last 25 years... even when my husband wore it. I don't associate the smell with the ex. I associate it with FBE; it is his face & body I remember when I smell it. NO, I don't know what 1/2 of his body looks like. I've only seen him shirtless. He never even wore summer shorts in my presence.... but I can imagine.

Uh, time to stop this nonsense.

May you enjoy the company of those you come into contact with physically, emotionally or electronically.

Take care,

Pete

Totally insane. Really stupid. Foolish.

These are words to describe myself.

Here's one more. Smitten.

FBE files for divorce this week. He & his family have a hard week ahead of them. Prayers for them, please.

We've exchanged way too many e-mails this week. From me some were information on forgiveness & staying married & forgiveness of his wife, & asking for her forgiveness. Some were advice on getting a divorce & finding a place to live. Some were requests on making certain he really wants the divorce & has no reservations, and about doing what's right for the kids. From him were insistances that he would be getting the divorce despite our contact, that it is right for the kids, that he's working on the to do list to help the divorce run more smoothly. Some were about his changing jobs.

Some were about the co-worker woman calling me Satan on Monday.

Some were about just how our days were going.

We also talked on the phone again. It feels good to laugh & talk, and be serious and silly. It just feels good.

I've talked to all of my mentoring friends in the local area. They are full of caution, but I already know the advice they are giving. I just don't seem to be following it. I've told FBE about their advice & that I agree with it. I should stay away from him & he should stay away from me until the dust settles around his emotions. I've told him that I do not want his kids, wife, him or me to see me as "the other woman" in any way. Well, I feel like it kind of anyway.

I was doing well at being platonic until his wife ticked him off last Sunday & he almost moved out that day. Since then his plan has changed to encouraging her to move out, since the two oldest kids don't want to live with her at all. The youngest doesn't know yet. Nor does the wife, even though he's told her that he's "not living this way any longer" and I guess she saw him pack up last Sunday.

Also since then we've exchanged e-mails about him coming up to visit. Originally it was a platonic visit with him & his wife or son. Now it's just he & I. It will be in about a month. How it goes will depend a lot on if he really does file & one of them really does move out. Most of my friends doubt we will still be platonic come the end of his visit. I'm beginning to think they are right.

During church today I could imagine him sitting beside me, holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, taking communion, singing praise to God, and praying. I told FBE that I prayed that he & I wouldn't betray God in our actions. I've not heard back on that e-mail yet.

The computer he has been using belongs to his old job. This week he's planting wheat for a friend or relative, meeting with the lawyer, maybe moving himself or his wife out, and then he starts his new job next week.

He has a lot going on in his life & I know I shouldn't be a part of it. But I feel drawn to him. It is very different than what I felt for Flirty even at my most head over heels. I know that I got to know Flirty better. But I never felt like I knew him. He always kept his life private, and separate. FBE tells me what's going on & makes me included in his life.

When I first dated FBE, he hardly ever told me anything & since he was in the military, stationed far away, there are many things we never knew about each other. We never had a fight, so I've never seen him angry. He likes to cook, he sings for his church's praise team, he rides for the Patriot Guard. He says flirty things, but he means them. I know those are surface type things, but they reflect him.

Flirty & I are just friends. Truly. It is amazing how my knowing about his wife changed everything. Here's a funny thing. Flirty & FBE have first names that are only one letter different, & their wives names are almost the same too. Ain't that an odd one.

Time to do something else.

Inspired by church, and not this missive: May you have the courage to give forgiveness and ask for forgiveness in your life.

Take care,
Pete

Imagine a day where you walk into work after singing along to a CD of the Christmas cantata your choir is learning, see some one with whom there have been uncomfortable moments, but you decide to greet her pleasantly anyway. Imagine the person says to you, "I rebuke you, Satan, in the name of Jesus Christ." Thus started my work week. I did reply, after I picked my jaw up off the floor, "I will continue to pray for you, anyway." This received the reply of, "Pray for yourself, " which I can easily do cause I've been praying that things between her & me (yes it's grammatically correct because of the preposition) would improve. Now they really need to improve, and I am a selfish Christian who knows she needs lots of help from the whole Trinity.

Yes, it was the woman that called security on me & the senior. I told the Vice Principal who was involved that day. She was flabbergasted. She took me to the Principal. He too could not believe it. He suggested that there be a meeting between me & the woman. I sort of consented, but then later sent an e-mail telling him that it had been bad enough working around her after being called a racist liar this summer, but that I really didn't want to be in a room with some one who used my religion's worst insult to describe me. I told him that my only conflict with the woman is that she is insulting to me, and that she waits for when there are no witnesses to be her most insulting. And it concerned me that contact with administration just seemed to make the situation worse. I told him I would do my best to either have some one with me, or not be in her presence. He consented & replied that he would talk to her alone.

Flirty told me to talk to the union, & the EEOC. I don't belong to the union, & I don't really know what the EEOC could do. She's not a boss. She claims to be Christian just as I do. Yes, it has created a hostile environment. Flirty said that if I would keep my distance from him, since she hates his guts too, that she wouldn't be so vicious to me. I told him that I wasn't going to bullied away from a friend by any one, except Flirty's wife.

______________________

Meanwhile.... FBE called me Saturday, as I told you. Sunday at church his wife went to the front of the church & asked for prayers for him & her since their marriage wasn't doing well. She didn't warn him. She didn't invite him. But then he was called up front to be with her. Then she had the audacity to ask him if he is a Christian. Somewhere along there, he said to her that he would talk to her at home and left. Sometime during Sunday they talked more, but also sometime on that day he packed up some bags & was about to just leave, when he realized he had no where to go.

Now I will admit, that calling me could seem like a version of betraying his wedding vows. I will even admit that some of the conversation was not appropriate for a married man to have with another woman. But it wasn't like he professed his love, or we talked dirty sex or anything at all remotely like that. It was flirty, but not like Flirty does it. When Flirty flirts, everyone knows it's just fun, even though there were times with me when it went deeper. When FBE flirts, it has meaning to it.

So Monday, I gave FBE a to do list to get his finances safe & set, gave him a lead on how to find a place to move to... my Mom's rental agency, etc. etc.. And then I warned him that as much as he wants his freedom & was burning with anger, and can't wait to actually have figured out how to leave, that he will find a time when he will cry harder than he ever imagined possible. And if he doesn't, I will wonder if he has a soul.

He said he had already started the to do list... of course it was the second time I told him about many of the items he needed to do.

& NO, I didn't give the advice as a "plotting to break up his marriage" type woman. I gave him the advice cuz there is a lot to remember to do, and I've told other friends the same advice... of course all of the other friends were women with abusive husbands.

When I finally heard of what made him so mad on Sunday, I even said to him that it was rather ironic that his wife asking for prayers for his marriage, and giving him the opportunity to confirm & testify to his faith were the straws that were breaking the wedding rings' back. I also told him that this seemed to be answered prayer... just not the answer he wanted. But I admitted I wasn't there to witness her sincerity. I wasn't there for the previous 18 years, nor the last 4 years, nor for any of their counseling sessions, or the the conversations they had after church on Sunday. So my input was from a perspective 200 miles away. I suggested he go talk with the pastor again, since the pastor was way more in the loop than I was.

This week FBE & I have exchanged several e-mails every day. He has pretty much decided to come visit in about a month for a biker's event in town. He has told his wife that it is actually in a nearby town. I wonder if she sees through the lie. I originally invited him thinking they would come together... cuz he was just a friend. I told him at one point in the week that I didn't care anymore if she came. Furthermore though I was tempted to suggest that he invite his son to come along to chaperone, that I really don't want a chaperone. I want us to be able to speak freely. I did tell FBE that because my kids will be at their dad's that their bedrooms will be open for use. I also point blank asked him if he was going to have filed for divorce before he comes & if he will have moved out before he comes. He states that he will have, but that he is not getting the divorce because of me.

We will see.

FBE was an honorable young man. Always the gentleman. Never lied to me. I trust him to be an honorable man and that he still doesn't lie, except that now I know he lied to his wife at least once. Now granted if he really does file, and move out, then it won't matter where he is on any given day, unless it's time for him to have custody of his children.

He told me what his older kids plans are for custody issues, because they've known where he is for quite awhile.... but his youngest is 10. I told him to talk the older kids into putting off their preferences (not with Mom) until the littlest has time to adjust. If she goes from a family unit to just her & one parent...well it will wipe out most kids.

FBE wrote that it sounded like I had old feelings returning. I assured him that all feelings are new, & he doesn't want the emotions of the 17 (almost 18)-year old who left him. So then he asked what the new ones are. So for you nosey friends: concern, worry, curiosity, "wow, a man is interested in me" " & " he's still good lookin," & " RUN, HE IS STILL MARRIED."

But I'm reorganizing my very multi-tasking room anyway, because you see my daughter's at college & I have an extra room now. So ... do you believe that one? Well I have been thinking about how to reorganize since last spring, whether you believe that's why I'm doing it or not.

And with some thoughts like these, maybe I do have a touch of the devil in me after all.

Ah, a prayer for tonight that is universal?

May we all find a comfortable balance between our morals & curiosities & desires that won't leave us with regrets.

Take care,
Pete