Ah, Readers,
It has been a busy few weeks, once again.
Summer school began. I am not teaching the Pre-AP class I was told to create & plan for. I am teaching American Literature for the first time ever. I teach a first semester class in the morning & 10 minutes later I teach a 2nd semester class. Not exactly fun that first week, but the non serious students have mostly quit attending. I've taught two weeks, and won't get the money for it for another 2 weeks or month. I've 3 weeks left to go.
I'm still waiting for what we teachers call extra duty pay. Department chair, junior class sponsor, etc. So I can't afford to renovate the tub, yet.
I am still pulling weeds & wild strawberries out of my yard, when it isn't raining so much that I would be sitting in puddles. The ground has been nicely moist & made this task easy, when the puddles aren't too deep.
That trip to San Francisco seemed to have been cancelled for me because I'm supposedly not teaching the Read 180 class next year, but Flirty, who doesn't teach at all still thought he was going when I spoke to him on the last day of school. So I was ticked off. Then yesterday I got an e-mail from the event coordinators telling me I'm registered to attend. But the district's travel office has no paper work permitting me to go... Go figure that one out. I've spent the morning sending e-mails to tell an idiot that if she authorized payment of $ 650 for my conference registration, then perhaps she should authorize the travel department to let me actually travel to the conference. I, of course, tried to keep my frustrated attitude out of the communication. Thus you all get to "hear" it.
I have been dancing 2 more times. There is an older SHORT man who has stood in front of me a few times as I have danced, both nights. I wouldn't say we're dancing together. He usually just comes to the dance floor and joins a group of women & pseudo-interacts with them. Some younger girls do move real close to him, & then his one basic move looks like he is dancing with them. I don't come in that close, though I try to match his style sort of/kind of for a while. His one basic move, which he repeats at varying speeds & even at an amazingly fast speed at times, is shifting from is left foot/toes to his right foot/toes. His arms are almost always bent at the elbows with his fists sticking straight out. If he were moving forward, you might think he was doing some serious jogging, except that his knees don't seem to bend. He wore shorts one night. Amazingly defined & taut calf muscles. If the rest of his body is as sculpted, he could be a fine sight to see. He has an engaging smile, and seems clean cut & respectful. I could very easily be mistaken, so far his only sentence, which was spoken last night, has been: "You're a good dancer." I thanked him for the compliment.
I am taking Melanie out tonight to join Beth at a singles club dance tonight. It will be Mel's first night out since her divorce, which was before mine, and my first time with this group. We will see how it goes. Neither Mel nor I are looking for a serious commitment, nor a one night stand. Something in between, or at least a pleasant conversation for the night is enough.
Ok, to be truthful, I do need a cure for my addiction to Flirty. But I really despise the idea of being perceived as seeming as though I "need" a man. I don't need a man. I just want to quit thinking about Flirty so much. If obsessed didn't have such a negative connotation I'd use that word. I got in the really bad habit of thinking of what I had talked with him about & what I would like to say to him the next time I saw him, that it is hard to think without it being a "conversation with him." Now, of course, he hears none of it since school is out, so would my brain please shut up & find a new task? a new pattern?
Perhaps if I write down information about the last conversation I can quit repeating it in my head. It has worked for me in the past, so why not again? So here is the last day of school. I wore a shirt I had forgotten I owned. The cleavage area has a flower design cut into it. Think of eyelet material techniques. No really good view, but enough to make a man think about trying to see if he could get one. I was rather certain, Flirty would notice & comment.
I had discovered that Janet was going on the conference, but I evidently wasn't. I was grumpy. I also was not looking forward to not seeing Flirty anymore. The building was hot & muggy & I still had work to do. I was grumpy. A breakfast at a restaurant had been arranged. I was one of the first there. Eventually Flirty came & sat almost across from me. He instantly perceived, I was not happy. He asked why. I mentioned the trip; he knew there was more to it than that. He invited me to come to his office to tell me more. The table got crowded & he & 2 other male teachers moved to another table to give the rest of us elbow room. So later, back at the building when I needed to empty my fridge & load it up, but wasn't ready to leave or eat my lunch yet, I took the last 2 meals I had to his fridge. He was on the phone & using his computer so I just left. When I finally had my last signature on the last form, it was lunch timeish. So I went up to his room. As I nuked my hot pocket & leaned against a window sill to catch the breeze he perceived that I was uneasy. He asked what was bugging me besides the conference. He didn't word it in a way I had practiced answering in my head, so I felt stuck. I had that I can't talk feeling again. Damn! I thought I had finished with that feeling. Now, I was ticked off with myself for that & for being so stupid as to have let myself fall for him. He noticed that my hands were shaking, & told me that it was ok, I could tell him what I was thinking. I told him that I was thinking I was really really stupid. He said something just right about owning my emotions; my eyes teared up, & I told him, "Let's just say, I'm going to miss you more this summer than I thought I would." (Now, I know you all know I knew I was going to miss him, but it is more than I thought I would. I never dreamed I would get angry, & teary-eyed, & closed-throated about it. Damn, I'm even tearing up now. How pathetic.) So anyway, Flirty said some more just right things. Including, "If my situation had been different, our situation would be different." I used some tissues as we talked. When I was "normal" again. He also mentioned the blouse & how frustrating it was to get a good view as he moved his head this way & that trying to see if there was a better view. I told him that I had found it when I was cleaning my room the night before, & had thought he would appreciate it. I like it because it is suggestive, but not flaunting. We exchanged flirty glances during the conversation. We hugged, & I left.
I must say this. I have never thought that the words that I love him or am in love with him. I am infatuated. I consider him one of my best friends. I trust him. But besides reciprocal feelings coming from him being missing, there is still something missing in what I feel for him for me to use "love" as in romantic love. We both acknowledge that our pheromes are aware of each other. I still just want to know him even better, I still just want to talk to him with no interruptions. & I miss him.
I also think it is the shits that I can contact any other friend of mine any time I want, but I can not contact him, which at this point is a good thing. And YES, I am aware that it is and always has been an important message to me that there is a wall created & maintained by him to define what we are not to each other. I even pointed it out to him the first time we talked about my being interested in moving beyond the flirting sometimes at work stage. What is ironic is that Beth, mentioned above, who is closer to him in age, almost sort of/ kind of dated him earlier in life. She has his number & knows his address & feels free to talk to him as a friend now & again. But we know it would be wrong for her to give it to me, so she doesn't offer, & I don't ask.
____
Technically almost an hour later. Beth called just as I finished the last sentence. She & I can talk for hours, but since I'll see her in 4 hours, we cut it short (45 minutes) this time. We discussed the benefits of her current relationship, even if it doesn't last; I my interactions with Flirty, even if we never talk again. To sum it up. We both know that we can feel interested in a man, again. We both know that a man can be attracted to us. She because of her age 60 thought she wasn't going to be attractive; I because of my basic low esteem & weight thought I wouldn't be. Flirty has never denied being attracted to my mind, personality, or body. He freely admits the attraction. His compliments & attention make me feel wonderful & confident.
Because of that I can look at men sitting at their tables at the dance club in the eye as I dance. I can invite them to join me... with my eyes & body language, if not my voice yet. And though a few emotionally creep me out with how they look at me; I also mentally know it is a compliment that I am attractive. I dance to the non-creepy ones, & I guess give the creeps a free show.... & NO, I DO NOT dance in those vulgar profane styles of the youth today. I'm more like that blouse... suggestive but not flaunting... a hint of the potential, but not flagrant.
I heard a quote of Edith Head that I shared with my daughter. "A woman should dress in clothes tight enough to reveal that she's a woman, but loose enough to show she is a lady." That perspective, if not the actual words, is my goal in my dress, my speech, and my dance. We women have it kind of rough. In our speech we tend to have the extreme categories of "mousy" & "bitch" to balance between. In our dress & dance: prude & slut are the extremes. It is hard as a girl to figure out where the woman/lady is in between those extremes because many men & society in general don't leave a very large gap any more, if they ever did. How to learn to speak our minds w/o being labeled a "bitch" is hard, because some men think that just because you dare to admit that you disagree is being disrespecful and bitchy.
What is not fair is that there is no equivalent degrading term to use on a man who is bitchy. A man might be a wuss for our mousy, or demanding for the other "extreme," which some perceive to be a compliment. We may even call him an ass or a pig or bastard, but they just are not as degrading nor as definitive. A man can be those terms because he's rude, crude, stupid, loud or obnoxious... but bitchy is stronger and worse than any of that. The only males I've ever heard called bitchy are gays, & the gay men seem to make jokes about being bitchy. Some even seem to rejoice in the ability to be so. I've never met a woman rejoicing in being called bitch.
This conversation reminds me of kids being "sassy." My uncle who is close to my age once reprimanded my cousin, who is my children's age, about sassing him. I didn't hear sass. I heard a question or a need for clarification. I some how found a way to discuss the difference between the two with my uncle. We've talked about several times since. It was a conversation that changed his parenting style forever.
I also have talked to my kids about how what they say could be mistaken for sass because of just a word or 2. I showed them the difference those 1 or 2 words, or that look in the eye, tone or posture made. My eldest two understand; my youngest needs a few more lessons, or he is being sassy deliberately.... another conversation to be had with him.
I wish it to be as easy to change society's perspective on women speaking their mind as not being bitchy.
I wish it were as easy to change my youngest son's attitude about bathing, homework and chores, too. Yes, I know in the case of my son that my attitude being changed might help the situation.... but his using a little soap & water, or pen & paper would help even more.
Well, it is time to eat, run some errands & get pretty... prettier ??? or more confident & less obsessed with my outer appearance??? for my evening out among society.
May God give you have the courage to speak what you need to say as strongly as needed, yet with the grace to be a lady or gentleman. May he give you the talent that what you say is perceived as you want it to be. May he give me these things, too. Amen
Take care.
It has been a busy few weeks, once again.
Summer school began. I am not teaching the Pre-AP class I was told to create & plan for. I am teaching American Literature for the first time ever. I teach a first semester class in the morning & 10 minutes later I teach a 2nd semester class. Not exactly fun that first week, but the non serious students have mostly quit attending. I've taught two weeks, and won't get the money for it for another 2 weeks or month. I've 3 weeks left to go.
I'm still waiting for what we teachers call extra duty pay. Department chair, junior class sponsor, etc. So I can't afford to renovate the tub, yet.
I am still pulling weeds & wild strawberries out of my yard, when it isn't raining so much that I would be sitting in puddles. The ground has been nicely moist & made this task easy, when the puddles aren't too deep.
That trip to San Francisco seemed to have been cancelled for me because I'm supposedly not teaching the Read 180 class next year, but Flirty, who doesn't teach at all still thought he was going when I spoke to him on the last day of school. So I was ticked off. Then yesterday I got an e-mail from the event coordinators telling me I'm registered to attend. But the district's travel office has no paper work permitting me to go... Go figure that one out. I've spent the morning sending e-mails to tell an idiot that if she authorized payment of $ 650 for my conference registration, then perhaps she should authorize the travel department to let me actually travel to the conference. I, of course, tried to keep my frustrated attitude out of the communication. Thus you all get to "hear" it.
I have been dancing 2 more times. There is an older SHORT man who has stood in front of me a few times as I have danced, both nights. I wouldn't say we're dancing together. He usually just comes to the dance floor and joins a group of women & pseudo-interacts with them. Some younger girls do move real close to him, & then his one basic move looks like he is dancing with them. I don't come in that close, though I try to match his style sort of/kind of for a while. His one basic move, which he repeats at varying speeds & even at an amazingly fast speed at times, is shifting from is left foot/toes to his right foot/toes. His arms are almost always bent at the elbows with his fists sticking straight out. If he were moving forward, you might think he was doing some serious jogging, except that his knees don't seem to bend. He wore shorts one night. Amazingly defined & taut calf muscles. If the rest of his body is as sculpted, he could be a fine sight to see. He has an engaging smile, and seems clean cut & respectful. I could very easily be mistaken, so far his only sentence, which was spoken last night, has been: "You're a good dancer." I thanked him for the compliment.
I am taking Melanie out tonight to join Beth at a singles club dance tonight. It will be Mel's first night out since her divorce, which was before mine, and my first time with this group. We will see how it goes. Neither Mel nor I are looking for a serious commitment, nor a one night stand. Something in between, or at least a pleasant conversation for the night is enough.
Ok, to be truthful, I do need a cure for my addiction to Flirty. But I really despise the idea of being perceived as seeming as though I "need" a man. I don't need a man. I just want to quit thinking about Flirty so much. If obsessed didn't have such a negative connotation I'd use that word. I got in the really bad habit of thinking of what I had talked with him about & what I would like to say to him the next time I saw him, that it is hard to think without it being a "conversation with him." Now, of course, he hears none of it since school is out, so would my brain please shut up & find a new task? a new pattern?
Perhaps if I write down information about the last conversation I can quit repeating it in my head. It has worked for me in the past, so why not again? So here is the last day of school. I wore a shirt I had forgotten I owned. The cleavage area has a flower design cut into it. Think of eyelet material techniques. No really good view, but enough to make a man think about trying to see if he could get one. I was rather certain, Flirty would notice & comment.
I had discovered that Janet was going on the conference, but I evidently wasn't. I was grumpy. I also was not looking forward to not seeing Flirty anymore. The building was hot & muggy & I still had work to do. I was grumpy. A breakfast at a restaurant had been arranged. I was one of the first there. Eventually Flirty came & sat almost across from me. He instantly perceived, I was not happy. He asked why. I mentioned the trip; he knew there was more to it than that. He invited me to come to his office to tell me more. The table got crowded & he & 2 other male teachers moved to another table to give the rest of us elbow room. So later, back at the building when I needed to empty my fridge & load it up, but wasn't ready to leave or eat my lunch yet, I took the last 2 meals I had to his fridge. He was on the phone & using his computer so I just left. When I finally had my last signature on the last form, it was lunch timeish. So I went up to his room. As I nuked my hot pocket & leaned against a window sill to catch the breeze he perceived that I was uneasy. He asked what was bugging me besides the conference. He didn't word it in a way I had practiced answering in my head, so I felt stuck. I had that I can't talk feeling again. Damn! I thought I had finished with that feeling. Now, I was ticked off with myself for that & for being so stupid as to have let myself fall for him. He noticed that my hands were shaking, & told me that it was ok, I could tell him what I was thinking. I told him that I was thinking I was really really stupid. He said something just right about owning my emotions; my eyes teared up, & I told him, "Let's just say, I'm going to miss you more this summer than I thought I would." (Now, I know you all know I knew I was going to miss him, but it is more than I thought I would. I never dreamed I would get angry, & teary-eyed, & closed-throated about it. Damn, I'm even tearing up now. How pathetic.) So anyway, Flirty said some more just right things. Including, "If my situation had been different, our situation would be different." I used some tissues as we talked. When I was "normal" again. He also mentioned the blouse & how frustrating it was to get a good view as he moved his head this way & that trying to see if there was a better view. I told him that I had found it when I was cleaning my room the night before, & had thought he would appreciate it. I like it because it is suggestive, but not flaunting. We exchanged flirty glances during the conversation. We hugged, & I left.
I must say this. I have never thought that the words that I love him or am in love with him. I am infatuated. I consider him one of my best friends. I trust him. But besides reciprocal feelings coming from him being missing, there is still something missing in what I feel for him for me to use "love" as in romantic love. We both acknowledge that our pheromes are aware of each other. I still just want to know him even better, I still just want to talk to him with no interruptions. & I miss him.
I also think it is the shits that I can contact any other friend of mine any time I want, but I can not contact him, which at this point is a good thing. And YES, I am aware that it is and always has been an important message to me that there is a wall created & maintained by him to define what we are not to each other. I even pointed it out to him the first time we talked about my being interested in moving beyond the flirting sometimes at work stage. What is ironic is that Beth, mentioned above, who is closer to him in age, almost sort of/ kind of dated him earlier in life. She has his number & knows his address & feels free to talk to him as a friend now & again. But we know it would be wrong for her to give it to me, so she doesn't offer, & I don't ask.
____
Technically almost an hour later. Beth called just as I finished the last sentence. She & I can talk for hours, but since I'll see her in 4 hours, we cut it short (45 minutes) this time. We discussed the benefits of her current relationship, even if it doesn't last; I my interactions with Flirty, even if we never talk again. To sum it up. We both know that we can feel interested in a man, again. We both know that a man can be attracted to us. She because of her age 60 thought she wasn't going to be attractive; I because of my basic low esteem & weight thought I wouldn't be. Flirty has never denied being attracted to my mind, personality, or body. He freely admits the attraction. His compliments & attention make me feel wonderful & confident.
Because of that I can look at men sitting at their tables at the dance club in the eye as I dance. I can invite them to join me... with my eyes & body language, if not my voice yet. And though a few emotionally creep me out with how they look at me; I also mentally know it is a compliment that I am attractive. I dance to the non-creepy ones, & I guess give the creeps a free show.... & NO, I DO NOT dance in those vulgar profane styles of the youth today. I'm more like that blouse... suggestive but not flaunting... a hint of the potential, but not flagrant.
I heard a quote of Edith Head that I shared with my daughter. "A woman should dress in clothes tight enough to reveal that she's a woman, but loose enough to show she is a lady." That perspective, if not the actual words, is my goal in my dress, my speech, and my dance. We women have it kind of rough. In our speech we tend to have the extreme categories of "mousy" & "bitch" to balance between. In our dress & dance: prude & slut are the extremes. It is hard as a girl to figure out where the woman/lady is in between those extremes because many men & society in general don't leave a very large gap any more, if they ever did. How to learn to speak our minds w/o being labeled a "bitch" is hard, because some men think that just because you dare to admit that you disagree is being disrespecful and bitchy.
What is not fair is that there is no equivalent degrading term to use on a man who is bitchy. A man might be a wuss for our mousy, or demanding for the other "extreme," which some perceive to be a compliment. We may even call him an ass or a pig or bastard, but they just are not as degrading nor as definitive. A man can be those terms because he's rude, crude, stupid, loud or obnoxious... but bitchy is stronger and worse than any of that. The only males I've ever heard called bitchy are gays, & the gay men seem to make jokes about being bitchy. Some even seem to rejoice in the ability to be so. I've never met a woman rejoicing in being called bitch.
This conversation reminds me of kids being "sassy." My uncle who is close to my age once reprimanded my cousin, who is my children's age, about sassing him. I didn't hear sass. I heard a question or a need for clarification. I some how found a way to discuss the difference between the two with my uncle. We've talked about several times since. It was a conversation that changed his parenting style forever.
I also have talked to my kids about how what they say could be mistaken for sass because of just a word or 2. I showed them the difference those 1 or 2 words, or that look in the eye, tone or posture made. My eldest two understand; my youngest needs a few more lessons, or he is being sassy deliberately.... another conversation to be had with him.
I wish it to be as easy to change society's perspective on women speaking their mind as not being bitchy.
I wish it were as easy to change my youngest son's attitude about bathing, homework and chores, too. Yes, I know in the case of my son that my attitude being changed might help the situation.... but his using a little soap & water, or pen & paper would help even more.
Well, it is time to eat, run some errands & get pretty... prettier ??? or more confident & less obsessed with my outer appearance??? for my evening out among society.
May God give you have the courage to speak what you need to say as strongly as needed, yet with the grace to be a lady or gentleman. May he give you the talent that what you say is perceived as you want it to be. May he give me these things, too. Amen
Take care.
posted by Pete | 1:30 PM
|
0 Comments
