Talked w/ Flirty again today... actually got some talking done. Don't know if it is what he had in mind when he said we needed to finish the conversation, but he asked some probing questions, but mentioned the "other woman" too. They go to the same church.

He asked me what I was looking for in a man. I first told him that I wasn't certain as I wasn't really looking. He didn't buy the "don't know" part, I think I only said it because I wasn't ready for such a question & didn't have that "file" ready. So I mentioned the ideas in the other blogs. He thought they sounded good, but wondered about physical characteristics... "male." As we talked, I mentioned last year's prom experience & a guy from church who I've not seen since Christmas... He came a day I was ill & brought a fiancee... which I thought to be a rather sudden event.

Flirty claims to be very introverted; says he won't share much about himself... I've noticed. But here are some things he has noticed about women... that he doesn't care much for.

Some women act like they want men to volunteer to fix things in their house. He doesn't want to be their "handy man," even though he has the skills. I didn't hint. I claimed to need some help & have invited anyone & every one who has ever replaced a tub/shower to PLEASE volunteer. But because I didn't leave subtle hints in the conversation & because I am asking for assistance, not a service where he does it all, & I watch for free, I'm not like them.

He doesn't want the ones who order the most expensive meals when on a date... no problem here, I don't do that either.

He claims men are like Waffles & women like spaghetti.... I had him explain that one. Men think in columns & rows & can even go diagonal. They are logical. This I already knew. Then he says that men can have empty squares where they really truly are not thinking.... I've suspected men could do that. I know my mom could do that. But he says it drives women crazy & they try to interrogate men into admitting they were thinking about something when the men really weren't. I told him that I wish I could do that. I would love to be able to shut up my brain.

But to explain the Spaghetti, please? When you look at a plate of spaghetti, it is all intertwined. A woman will begin with a thought, but as she explains it, she will end up telling you about all of the other spaghetti that it touches. Men, according to him & experiences I've had myself, don't like to listen to all of the connections.... He says he can do it, but .... He's also learned that if he doesn't listen & just asks for the "short cut" version, he won't be getting any lovin'. I confirmed his accuracy. It is part of the need for intimacy. We gain intimacy through sharing our thoughts & feelings.

He stated that he thinks that I consider whether any one could ever be a mate & only date those whom I think could be. I stated that I didn't think I'd ever want marriage again, but that the future looks like it could be kind of lonely down the road with out some kind of someone. He said, "I said mate, not marriage partner." I told him that for the most part he was accurate; I've had exceptions before and possibly would again, but gave no details. ( Roberto comes to mind.... mmmm good. & I kept hanging around Chuckles long after I knew we weren't going to be anything labelable.... though we supposedly have a date for when we are in our 70's & living in nursing homes. But I think I'll let him keep his wife, if she lives that long & still wants him. A few other just once dates come to mind.) Makes me wonder how he goes about it all, but it didn't flow at the time to ask.

He suggested I try an on line dating service.... I'm not that interested in finding some one yet, & I'm a bit miserly. I'm more of at the stage of, if someone comes along... alright I'll check out the potential, but I'm not actively seeking.

I also explained to him, that there are times that some one perks your curiosity & you could just date them to get to know them better. But he says he knows w/in 5 minutes of that kind of date whether or not there is something there. I told him I was too out of practice after 20 years to figure it out that quickly... & I don't know if I ever was that perceptive. Usually I knew some one for quite awhile before dating ever began. Recently I just knew that guy at church made me curious, but we needed time away from church to actually talk ... after a couple of meals together I knew the 14 year friendship was just going to stay a friendship. (Hint Hint... Time away from school to talk would be nice.)

I mentioned that Church guy was from Haiti, so Flirty asked me if I was ok with interracial relationships. I said that it is more of inter-cultural thing that I believe won't work, not the skin color that mattered. If 2 peoples' cultures were too different, then it won't work. I have been known to say that I felt the ex & I came from cultures that were too different. We were both white & Christian, but I was small town work your butt off & he was big city spend your butt off. I was from "make do;" he was from "buy the best." It didn't work. Flirty saw my viewpoint, but he's old enough I bet some part of him is relunctant to give up the skin tone issue all together, or he wouldn't have asked. I abhor racism, but I don't know that I would call him racist. He shows too much compassion for the kids & co-workers in the building for such a label.

Working in an inner city school makes for hard to explain beliefs/behaviors in some people. 99.9% of the time you'd swear they weren't racist and then one hesitation, or one joke and... an inconsistency is seen. I've seen it in myself a few times in life. It's like a brain trying to fight an old fact with a new one. How many planets are there? (We counted 9 until recently when Pluto became some other category.) Did you know there are actually only 48 states? (2 of the usually counted ones are "Commonwealths.") Ever write the wrong year on a check? Type in a password that hasn't been valid for over a year? I think it is a somewhat similar old hard wiring issue, not a conscious decision, usually. Like a ghost image. If the inconsistency is pointed out, in a subtle or not so subtle way the person usually says, "oh, I didn't mean..." "oh, I didn't realize that ..." "oh, I'm sorry that it... " Of course I'm a white person making excuses for whites in most cases... don't know if people of other races would buy the rationale.

The students assume that because I grew up in a small Kansas town that it was full of racists. We had our share, but mostly we just had ignorance; we had stereotypes on tv. We had what our parents told us--wrongly or rightly. Remember back in the day when people believed the media & parents to tell the truth??? There were no other races there to educate us. By today's standard the town was full of racists, but by the standards of then.... a mixed bag of attitudes. By the 1980's, I admitted to a black friend that yes, as he walked downtown with me, eyes were watching out of curiosity, but that the shot guns he felt aimed at him weren't yet... he'd have to kiss me on Main street for that to happen. (I can never remember if we actually kissed or not, but he's still alive today to read this.) Usually some student in the class will point out that the assumption that my town was full of racists is racist & prejudicial itself. I do not.

The other day a student came in with a HUGE Afro... probably 8-10 inches all around. I told him, "I know this is going to seem odd & rude, but..." He said, "You want to touch my hair, don't you." I said, "yes, actually." He thought it was funny & gave me permission. One kid thought it racist, but I truly believe what I said to the kids. It's the same impulse I feel when I see a girl with a long ponytail... I want to flip it. When I see a girl with a spiral curl, I want to tug on it "spring" it. It doesn't matter the race. When my son gets his hair cut to a quarter inch... I like to rub his head... No, it's not a fetish... just a quirk, a silly impulsive affectionate teasing thing, but it looks racist when a white woman touches an Afro... Is it racist when my students touch my hair & check it out? How do I get it so straight & soft? No, it's just ignorance & curiosity. I'm a teacher trying to rid the world of ignorance, so I let them touch it, & I answer their questions.

Ok, I've done the spaghetti thing, and need to go to bed. Another night spent not grading papers. Shame on me. I did try doing taxes on line, but my hand done version gets me $600 more, so I'll just mail them in.

An update about Flirty:

We finally had a bit of time to actually talk about something other that work, but not much before the bell rang for my next class. Yesterday he asked me how my weekend went, or what I did. I told him that my house was nearing "company" clean when I realized that not only did I not know the phone number of the person I most wanted to invite over, I didn't even know what city he lived in , and that I possibly didn't even know his real first name. I looked him straight in the eye as I said it. You see his "name" is one that is usually a nickname for a wide variety of names that men don't like to share. He understood & said that very few people know his real name. So that was Tuesday... the bell rang, of course. Today, he asked if we could talk personally for a few minutes, after we had been dealing with a student matter. I said ok. He decided that after my comment about wanting to invite company that he ought to update me on where he was coming from. He admitted that he was tempted, and had even decided that since the ages weren't mattering to me, that he wasn't going to let it not matter with him. But... he used to be in a relationship & had been trying... off & on ...to mend it during the past 2 years. Well, he finally got a response from the woman that indicated that it has a chance of being mended, and he thinks he owes her the chance. He isn't trying to be a cad, & he does feel that we have kindred spirits.

Then of course, the bell rang for my next class. He did ask that we find time to talk some more about the topic, before I left his office.

So... where does that leave me? Well, I knew I didn't know him "well enough" before I cleaned one "more personal" room as well as I did.... but I didn't want to become embarrassed if I got to know him better first. I knew on Monday when I was shopping for less maternal undergarments, that I didn't know him well enough for him to see them, yet. I even knew that my chances of him ever were darned slim.... the last I knew he was freaked out about ages. BUT .... I am very glad for this experience.

1. I am a Woman now, not just a mom, not just a teacher. Not just an ex-wife, who was a convenient female.... yes, he knew how to get me "into the mood" & enjoy it... but ... I'm not ready to explain THAT all yet. I know that I can be tempting to a male. (Oh, sure a kiss at last prom should have given me at least 1/2 a clue, but I was in too much shock to get beyond shock... he is a friend, a confidant, of 23 years. Our contact has been scanty since then, but I learned recently that he reads this thing, so he's certainly scared off by my insanity by now. To be honest, converting him from confidant to lover is too wierd to me & we really don't have much in common except 23 years of talking & e-mailing. Oddly enough it's been mostly about my messed up life, & I barely know his life at all. Sorry, dear, but that is the truth.)

2. I know that I am ready to check out relationship opportunities... if they ever happen again.

3. I know I am still not ready for a marriage type relationship yet, but I know that I will want at least an occassional lover & steady companion....call it at least a "friends w/ benefits." The idea of not having a male partner of some sort sounds too lonely.

4. Yes, I'll probably still have moral conflicts about it without the marital ring, but until being "a wife" sounds more appealing, I'll have to just muddle through that issue. I didn't have a religious wedding the first time, so that isn't important, but the spiritually Christian relationship is. The legal wedding creates legal monetary ties. That wouldn't be fair now to anyone, & dangerous to my kids once my parents die.... So maybe a "hippy" type wedding is all that would happen.

5. Hmm, I forgot what it was going to be. Perhaps something about feeling pretty & confident enough to actually work at removing these 17 years & 70 pounds of protective covering... I don't need them anymore. I don't need to eat for comfort because I've been put down or humiliated. I don't need a reason for the ex to be repulsed by my size, so he'll leave me alone any more. Ok, so I might still eat cuz I'm lonely, but hopefully I only splurge when I'm keeping other people company. I do still have celebrating & an ice cream & chocolate vice/addiction. But if my only vices for now are being tempted to satisfy curiousity & lust & eating ice cream & chocolate, God can't complain too much, can he?... ah, don't give me that scripture about my body being God's temple. There's still ice cream in the freezer, & it's a flavor the kids don't like.

I think I will rest & sleep well tonight. I think my broken record of thinking about Flirty might shut off. Yes, I've one more "personal" conversation with him. And I've ideas of what I would like to say, as usual. But for now, he is just going to be a co-worker/friend, with whom it is fun to talk. It will give me time to get to know him, & he didn't say the old relationship is fixed. (Read that last line with humor, not crazy-hopeful or stalker or conniver tones, OK???)

Well, I've promised people I'd get stuff done tonight, that I haven't done. Who knows when I'll write next, since this "crisis" of insanity is passing.

Before I quit for the night, I must ask though that you pray for two students who are having real crises this week (which is why Flirty & I didn't have more personal talk time). Of course, I can't give names & all details, but let's call them Unloved & Probably Pregnant. God will know their names & all other students who face similar issues that need our prayers.

May you too know the experience of answered prayers.

Another ___________ snow day. Another night of not sleeping well. Another day of waiting, but I do have a to do list to keep me busy, so no long missive today.

I debated even getting on line, but am glad I did. A former student had sent me an e-mail asking me to preview/edit her college essay. She is impressively going to high school, community college, working a job, volunteering at a hospital and raising her child. WoW! Last year she was a class officer & helped organize prom. I told her I would write her a letter of recommendation if she wanted.

I look at my own daughter, same age... no job, no community college, volunteerism = church nursery every few weeks. But she has done extra/co -curricular activities that have taken MANY hours of her time, to the detriment of her grades. She is a wonderful young woman, but she couldn't handle what my student does.

With the mother my daughter has, I would expect her to be more pragmatic and logical. But she has to be her own self, which means putting friends & Bible study ahead of school work at the most illogical of times.

For all of my trusting God & my intuition, dreams, etc., logic & effeciency are what I usually use to base most decisions. Except recently, which is why I have a fight going on in my brain. Half of me says trust the intuition, the other says be logical, use reason.

On another spectrum of my life, my pastor tells me that my ex wants us to meet with the pastor serving as mediator. The ex will not reveal the topic to me or the pastor. I hate his ambushing. I've narrowed the topics down a bit. Either he's upset about the daughter's senior bills, or about me being at work when our son was home "sick." The son has a reflux condition & isn't actually sick when he vomits, so I tell him to call his dad for a ride to school after his stomach settles down. He doesn't. The ex thinks I told the boy to not call him, which is the direct opposite of the truth. Yes, I know this usually very honest well behaved child could be shamming, so I already promised that I would call my ex from now on. But then there was 2 weeks ago... I accidentally left my phone on silent from church the day before. When I went to use my phone to double check on my son, the key to the padlock on the closet where I store my purse & phone had fallen off my lanyard. It was not until 2:15 that a key was found to unlock the padlock. Turns out my son actually had a fever. Super mommy guilt over that. It does not help that I have the excuse that my classroom phone doesn't call long distance, & I don't have the school number memorized...it is on the cell phone. They are lame excuses.

I got the divorce to lessen my children's exposure to the ex. If this is the issue he wants to discuss & If his solution to this issue is to change custody, I will absolutely lose it. I agree that working so far away & being gone before the boys wake up is not good, but for professional & financial reasons this is not the time to change jobs. My past resume looks job hoppy because I refused to give passing grades to kids who did no work at 2 different districts. Here I am adding some stability. Here I am being invited into district level administrative meetings to make decisions. My district has a really bad reputation, but if I can put on the resume that I was part of the solution, then I have freedom for the rest of my 25 working years until I can retire.

Truth be told, I don't plan to work in a school district that long. My mom owns some farm land with her sisters down near Wichita. I want to buy it, and build my version of Boy's Town on it. A place for kids who struggle; a place to gain self-pride, self-reliance & the ability to ask for help. I need caring people who can legally teach more than one subject or fulfill more than one role at this school. I need people who don't need a huge paycheck. And I will need to teach in a district when I move down there for a while. When does my plan go into affect? Well, for right now, I have to live where my ex does so as to share custody. Our youngest graduates in 5 1/2 more school years, then I am free to move.

Meanwhile, I pay off divorce debt & increase savings, create a network of people to work with, & learn what I can about administrating such an interprise. I also try to help my mom run the family business from 180 miles away by working on the rental houses. I also pray that Mom doesn't get ill or "too old" or die in the meantime. Because if those happen, I move no matter what. I am the power of attorney, executor/trustee of it all, and I can't do it from a distance. Yes, I have a brother, but the parents didn't give him the job. They do have him as the one who makes health decisions because he is in town. Quite honestly, the inheritance is what will truly make the school financially stable long term, and allows the students some "on the job training," but I think it can muddle along without it.

There's irony in it all. The farm land was my grandpa's. As Mom describes him--- he could go crazy mean, & he wanted to join the KKK, but didn't because of a robe & dues issue. Who will be in the school? Kids of all races many of whom probably had a crazy mean parent.

My mother still has emotional scars from her dad. She chose her husband because he was better than her dad. She remained silent in front of her children and let her husband be the boss. I was raised to be similar, but I don't want my children raised the same way. I don't want any children raised in the same way.

My dad was not crazy mean. My dad tried very hard to be a loving parent. He was just so above average in intellligence that he did not realize how insulting he was. Do you know how hard it is have self-assurance when you are repeatedly asked to be smarter than the average nail, hammer or 2x4?

My ex was not crazy mean. Oh, he could be mean. & I won't be surprised if he is ever diagnosed as bi-polar or having Alzheimers...but for now he still lacks enough symptoms to be "crazy." He made up his perceived short comings by building himself up as better because he knew people who did great things, and he built himself up by tearing others down. He liked the phrase, "Am I the only one who can do __________ the right way?" The kids say he still uses it, but the daughter says the truth is they know they don't know how to do the task anyway, so he truly is the only one now. She says it doesn't feel insulting to her, but she knows it is an insulting way to talk.

She is not silent to her father nor to me when we disagree or she feels slighted. She is very articulate usually w/o being insulting. Maybe part of the cycle is broken. I am waiting to see my sons finish maturing. With the daughter gone next fall, they will have to learn to talk to each other better. She won't be there to referee their illogical comments and point them out. I guess, I'll have to pick up the slack too. I just hope I've learned enough from her to do it as well. I think she will make a great child psychologist/counselor, youth minister etc. But she hasn't chosen those as potential careers yet, but she's yet to chose any at all yet. She sees her world so full of choices. No limits on what she can do. Hooray!

I said no long missive... and yet I've done it again. Now, I must go work on the to do list: laundry, ironing, shopping, paper grading, final decision about 2006 IRA deposit, the FAFSA & the final draft of taxes.

Dang it, I had Flirty off my mind until that last word. Now to go get busy doing the list, anyway.

May you acknowledge that God is with you always & forever.

It is what the educational field calls a "snow day." Teachers like these days even more than students do-- you know how much they like them... double it. Yes, we know that we then have to work farther into June at the end, especially those of us who belong to districts that don't plan snow days into the original schedule. I awakened at my usual 4:15 & went and camped out in front of the tv waiting for my district to cancel. I soon knew I wasn't going in from looking out my window & hearing the amounts of snow that had fallen between me & my school 42.5 miles away.... Yes, for being rather green at heart I commute without a carpool.... At 5:30, 15 minutes after I often leave and 30 minutes after I should have left if I were going to attempt it, the tv finally announced my school's closing. So I called the department phone tree and two other friends whose alarms to awaken wouldn't have even gone off yet because they live closer. "Turn off your alarm & go back to sleep," was the basic message.

& then I went back to bed to "sleep in"... but my brain refused for quite awhile. Why??? Because Flirty won't get my damn e-mail now. Yes, I sent it, and I actually am a little ticked off that today is a snow day. As I laid there trying to go back to sleep, listening to the dog & the 12 year old who camped out in my room last night breathe, I even thought about googling him to get his phone number to tell him to read it.

Yes, do I feel like a stupid teenager. I want to know if it clears the air, or makes things even more awkward. I have 3 teenagers & teach high school so I know the strategies of having a friend call a friend of ..... I thought it immature in high school & never did it. So 30 years later (ok, I exaggerate a few years, blame my father who couldn't count time either), I really think it is immature, but I understand why kids do it. But I don't even know of a friend who has his phone number, and in my new maturity I would just call myself. But I know many people who would think of it as too intrusive to call when the number has not been offered. I, myself, might even get creeped out if the wrong person did it. For obvious reasons I can't post the number on the blog for him.

I just realized that he might not know my real name, not that it would help him much. Last I knew, there were 3 people with the same name in this college town I live in, & I go by my initials in the phone book any way. Now, if you think it odd that he might not know my real name, here's why. I don't use it at work. I use a shortened form of my last name. It is a common last name. It was just recently that I started remembering his first name. At schools, we call each other Mr., Ms., Mrs., Miss....

Anyway. The only people to ever use my legal name were Grandmother, the financial world, and schools. My own parents used a nickname for me, & my brother created several nicknames for me, as brothers do. My mom said that she never intended to call me by the legal name, because she named me after a blonde actress that was famous at the time. Many of my boyfriends and the ex would shorten the name to just one syllable, even though I told them I disliked that. My first name is so popular in my generation that at every gathering of people my age there is another woman or 2 or 3 with it. A few years back I got tired of it,. It sounded like a baby's name, and my students were already shortening what they called me cuz I got too lazy to sign my whole name on passes. Now, I just introduce myself by the short version of my last name, which is a man's name. Since I'm not a froofy female, I like it. It fits me. Long ago I joked that I married my ex for his last name .... my maiden name is a teacher's nightmare... People asked me during the divorce if I was going back to the maiden name; hell no. Then I'd have to give up what I consider to be my name. When I stub my toe, or make a mistake... I reprimand myself using that name, not the name my parents call me.

That girl was a wuss. That girl let people pick on her. That girl wouldn't speak up for herself. I am not that little girl anymore. It reminds me of how native cultures have re-naming rites as a person grows. When I grew up, I re-named myself. Yes, it took me too damn long to grow up. Kind of the story of my life. I waited until college to experience "adolescence."

Oh, I had a boyfriend in high school. I even thought myself grown up enough to ask him to marry me. He said yes. I loved him as best I could. Then my senior year I realized that if I stayed with him, I would never become the teacher of my dreams. There would be no college. There would be working at a greasy spoon to pay for a trailer house filled with snot-nosed brats parked beside his alcoholic father's farm house before I was 21. I couldn't do that, so I broke up with him using a lie. I was just this side of suicidal over that break up & lie; thus my promise mentioned in the last blog not to lie anymore. I didn't know about lies by ommission at that time.

The turning point that summer: I was laying in bed sobbing my eyes out, hugging my huge teddy bear, trying to figure out how to kill myself, & a deep voice came from the dark and said I couldn't because if I did, "God would be pissed." I didn't use "pissed" in my thinking or speaking vocabulary then & I still rarely think it. During college 3 friends were suicidal, and came to me instead. Because I'd been there/done that, they and a few students listened to me & are still alive.

I worked lots of fast food to pay for college. After graduating, I bought a trailerhouse with my left over money. Not long afterward, I met a cute man, got married & pregnant in the same month. About 2 years later I was living in this house, which is twice as big as that trailer house was, running a day care full of snot nosed brats--all by the time I was 26. Oh, and as I learned a little too late, the husband was the son of a dry alcoholic. I think God has a sense of humor.

I saw that first love at Christmas this year. He has a lovely wife & two kids, and rides a motorcycle. He does not live in a trailer house; never has & still doesn't drink booze himself. He went to a Promise Keepers meeting with my father a few years back when Dad had already had his first heart attack & stroke, but before he was as bad off as he is now. God really has a sense of humor; I couldn't get the ex to church, and he goes through periods of drinking. He was never drunk while I was awake, but he hid bottles around the house.

Which reminds me, Flirty asked me why I go to the 8th hour meeting place on Fridays after school. It's like a golfer's 19th hole. I like to be around friends. Four years ago when I started working there, I'd go about once a quarter and have a small amaretto sour... the only flavor I knew I liked. My eyes would feel all furry, & I'd sit for a long while before driving home. Once I moved out & got shared custody of the kids, I started going every other week, when I don't have the kids. Four weeks ago, I had a third amaretto & seven up for the first time & decided that I'm not doing that again. My eyeballs don't get furry anymore, but on the third drink I realized I was having to think for words to finish sentences. That's not for me. The thai chicken quesadilla, the warmed suicide chocolate cake, and the friends are going to be what keeps me going. But I would prefer doing something active.

Last Friday because I was free from motherly responsibilitites, I went with a friend from 8th hour to another place. A fund raiser for a boy's home in the area. $15 for all you can eat & drink. Then it turned out that the only beverage offered was beer. I don't like beer; can't even lift it to my mouth because the smell is so disagreeable. Every one was just standing around talking & trying to drink their "money's worth." I learned a lot about my friend that night, and some about myself. It's not my type of thing to do, but I might go again to make certain she has a designated driver, and doesn't do something really stupid. She is in my prayers.

And for you agnostics and atheists--- God does exist. He does answer prayers for those who believe in Jesus as his son. Every prayer I've prayed repeatedly has been answered & answered the way I asked. Ask & it shall be given unto you. Knock & the door will be opened. Seek and ye shall find. Just like the New Testament promises. When I prayed in that closet, I asked God to let me know if I should stay with my husband. I asked God to let my husband come to me for the first time. I asked Him to let me know if I should stay with him. My husband came & slammed a door in my face as I explained my prayer. Called it bullshit. I knew the answer to my prayer. I prayed for a place to live; the tenant of 5 years gave notice that she would move out the month I planned to have the money to pay the lawyer. I prayed that when I told my husband he would be civil & not go violent. (He was so civil as to be almost whimpish with his begging & pleading me to stay. That was just about as repulsive as his ability to be violent. He didn't know what he would do with out me. He wasn't complete with out me. He needed me. I do not want to be needed to make some one feel complete. I want to be wanted as a partner, not a symbiotic/parasitic attachment. ) When I've needed money; God gave it. When I needed food, God gave it. My parents raised me to be too proud or too insecure to ask for help from people, so I asked God instead and he has answered me through people.

One last testimony today. When I was around 12 there was a feud in the extended family. A favorite relative of mine was outcast & was to be considered dead. I prayed for that relative, & I prayed for renewed contact. When I went to college, I found a phone book for that person's last known address. I had a few choices in the phone book, but picked the right one. I wrote a letter & mailed it. I got a letter back & phone calls & personal visits. I knew I was risking being outcast too. I prayed that my parents would just know. I prayed that they wouldn't be angry. I prayed for the words to explain. I went home for Christmas. I was working w/ Dad in a rental house getting it ready for the next tenants. We're talking about paint, and the work like usual. Then Dad asks out of the blue if I ever got any response when I contacted the person. How did he know? I asked. He woke up one night, during the week of my most fervent prayers & just knew. Now, I know skeptics that might claim telepathy. I don't care. If telepathy exists, God created it & made my father & I able to connect when I needed it. We've not connected since then that I know of.

But I have dreamed about every job I've had as an adult, before I had it. The dreams weren't obviously that place. They took place in rooms & with people that I did not meet during the interview process. I dreamed of being pregnant & unmarried & it wasn't that boyfriend's baby. I was still a virgin when I had the dream, & the ex & I used protection before marriage except for twice...oops. I had a dream of my eldest daughter not being the eldest child running down the hallway & into the kitchen singing a kids' song in this house that I live in now, before we owned the house & before Hannah could walk. One day during the years I ran the pre-school, here they came just as in the dream.

When I have a deja vu, when I have a dream come true, I know there is a special reason. I know that I am where I am supposed to be. Yes, agnostics & atheists mention "self-fulfilling prophecies," but I can not create other peoples' words & actions. When some one calls as I think of them, I know there is something to pay attention to in the contact. When I feel a person tugging me like a magnet, I wonder why. What is there I need to experience? What is it that I need to do for or with them?

This intuition has been a great guide. Do I always listen to it? No. I knew I should have left the ex four months before I ended up marrying him, but God didn't desert me during those 18 years. He just let me learn a few things the hard way & grow up, but he still continued to guide me & answer my prayers. I probably could have chosen a few wiser prayers, but wisdom is gained slowly and painfully. Ever heard: be careful what you wish for?? I would much prefer learning some things vicariously. Wouldn't we all?

May you accept that God is with you, and may we listen to his inner voice inside of us, despite the lack of logic to it sometimes.

Dear maybe imaginary audience,

First I started this on the weekend, & I've been editing & updating it since. It probably should have been just 2 separate entries.... why? Because....

I think too much, and I am a curious soul.

I could just be having a flirty friendship with a nice man... well ok, he seems nice. I quite honestly don't know him well enough to know how deep the niceness runs. But it is adequate to make me curious about him. Despite this lack of knowledge about him, he has been almost constantly on my mind since Friday. Lately I feel like he's a magnet in the building, pulling me towards him.

We work together & in my off time I have conversed with him this past school year. He has been the huggy flirty kind. He has playfully teased another man of being with his girl when I was talking to the other man. Flirty put his arm around me as he said this. I didn't & don't mind. I know some women who don't like it, but I understood that he is playful. I am accostumed to flirty men at square dances that I go to. Flirting is fun. He is fun. In other conversations he has invited me on a motorcycle ride come spring; he has pulled me in close behind him to demonstrate how conversations on a motorcycle are easy to have.... I have ridden on motorcycles & conversed before... I didn't need the physical example, but I didn't mind it.

He has talked about me working with him on his taxes. Now to my ex husband discussing money was more personal than sex.... I don't know where it ranks for Flirty, but sex was more personal to me than money.

Yes, I put sex in the past tense. Celibate since July of 2005, mostly celibate before then back into Fall 2004 when I decided I wanted a divorce. July 2005 is an anomaly in my marriage. I knew it was not wise; I told my ex it was stupid. I felt sinful about it.... but it was GOOOOD otherwise. Probably the best we'd had in 10 years or more. We were verbally being more honest with each other & mentally intimate as I told him how I found our marriage to be to toxic to stay in. Flirty asked me today, "How do you share a bed with some one for almost a year, when you know you want a divorce?" I truthfully answered that it was pretty easy for the most part because the ex spent many nights on the couch & the few times he came to bed for a reason he knew how to change my mood-- "sweet talk me" I called it. The 100% truth is that there was a part of me that still loved him. There might still be but it is much closer to compassion than marital love. He reminds me still at least once a month as to why I divorced him, as we communicate about issues with our children.

How can some one still love some one they know is poison to them? Well, how can an alcoholic still drink? An obese person still pig out? Some say lack of self respect; others say addiction; & the list can go on. My marriage had times in it that were truly awful. No, he didn't physically beat me, but did push me twice in the 19 years we knew each other. After counselling about 11 years ago it got much better, & in some ways it continued to get better. But one day I realized better still stank. I was afraid to talk to him. I was afraid of being insulted again by him. I was afraid of being rejected by him. I was crying & praying. I was in a closet as the Bible instructs, and was my custom when in a family of 5 I needed privacy. He did for the first time ever seek me out of my crying and ask me what I was doing. But then he told me that I was being childish. When I tried to show him the Scripture, he slammed the door in my face & called it Bullshit. I was done.

But I was still poor & in debt & ignorant of the steps to take. I also knew that hubby could go violent. I didn't need that scenario & neither did the kids. So I planned, paid off as much of our debts as possible & got informed. I bought household supplies & hid them with friends. I "cleaned" house & took stuff to the friend's. I secured important paper work, set up a mailbox & a safety deposit box. Eventually I responded to one of the 0 % credit card offers.

When he found out about the divorce lawyer, I was still one paycheck away from ready. I know I lied by omission. I made a promise in the summer of 1982 to not "in your face" lie ever again. I think I maintained that goal. I know I tried. I also know that I was putting my personal safety as a high priority.... so I may have not made it my goal. I still have the goal of never lying and I've added the lying by omission which has been my esscape route for ... for ever.

So there is my crappy "closetful" of history. From this history, I have learned a few things.

One: I am a sucker for compliments & apologies. The ex was good at them. I wish I weren't, but at least I know it about myself now. Now to learn the difference between sincerity & manipulative ones. Since I know the manipulative ones best, I am unfortunately still cynical of all.

Two: I am not going to marry some one whom I don't consider to be a true friend that knows the true me. The ex & I went from romance to sex to pregnant to married. We probably would have split within 6 months if I hadn't gotten pregnant. In order to avoid rejection, I tried to do things his way. I hid my true self, to please him. Then got upset when he didn't know me. How stupid?!

Three: I'm not going to live & act from a fear base anymore. Now, I work in an inner city school, so don't confuse fear with safety consciousness. I will continue to lock up my purse; I will think before breaking up a fight. I'm not going to be stupidly brave... ok. Got the difference? But quite truthfully I feel pretty safe in this inner city school. There are 2 boys that give me the creeps, and we women teachers have all but placed bets on which will be the serial killer & which will be a serial rapist.... but the boys don't actually DO anything bad to us. If you typed up the words they say, no man would understand....even some women wouldn't. But if you were there when they say what they say, you women would understand. I don't have a direct quote in the memory banks... but some of you women still know what I'm talking about.

Four: I want any future spouse I have to like books, dancing, & taking vacations where the journey is the goal, not the destination. I don't care which books, nor which music. It helps that my music tastes are eclectic. I've read everything & danced to everything, and not seen even a fraction of what I want to see.

Five: I don't really want a spouse yet. I can envision that I will want one eventually. Being alone sounds lonely. But for now I just love the freedom of doing what I want when I want, how I want.... Sort of like a teenager whose parents are out of town. & If you've read my previous entries you know that actually I don't live all that "freely." I have a job which takes up too much time, 3 kids and a dog.... and a conscience based in Christianity and all the historical biographies & novels w/ corsets laced tightly... to damn tightly. No, I didn't read enough of the smutty ones.

What I've not figured out, and have tried to since Flirty called me his Dulcinea on Friday is why I am flirting with him. Here is why the confusion.

1. I don't truly know him well enough.
2. He is a flirt & I've watched him flirt with other staff.
3. I know my psyche is probably still "damaged goods"; even though it feels healthier than it has in decades. No migraines, no near ulcers. I laugh & joke around now even.
4. My religion considers non-marital sex sinful... (the preacher insists we're all sinners anyway, if we try to keep all the moral laws... my brain & hormones want to play the game of "what does it matter, then" but my faith believes it does matter.)
5. I am rather certain from what little I do know of him that he is not someone I will marry.
6. Though he is not as old as my father, he is old enough to be my father.... But he is not personality wise much like my father.... ah shit... as I was about to make the list I realized some commonalities... reading, motorcycles, flirting.

But by golly, he sure is fun.

So why do people flirt if not for sex or marriage?
I know there are people who flirt because it gives them a sense of power over the other gender... those are the "conquesters" who drop you as soon as you indicate a wilingness to have sex, or do it. But I don't think I am one of those, I actually already feel empowered so I don't need to take other's personal power.

But then I wonder where my being a sucker for flirting & compliments ties in. Why do I have that? Habit? Lack of self confidence in the "pretty" & "sexy" world is much more likly. For 18 years of marriage, I'm surprisingly still rather ignorant. ANd because of 18 years of toxic marriage, 3 children & because of an extra 70 pounds gained from when I did feel sexy. Funny thing though. I was dancing a couple of weeks ago in the house as I did chores. The music was modernish. I have been practicing more modern dancefloor moves alone. My daughter who has taken lots of dance classes watched me. She did not say, "Oh, Mom, you really don't know how to dance." She said, "Oh, Mom, don't dance that way in front of me... you're my Mom. You're not supposed to know how to dance that way."... When asked what she meant... she said that as her mom I wasn't supposed to move my hips that way. So I guess I can move sexily enough to embarrass a 17 year old girl.

Now back to the original sentences. Why do I think too much? Because the average stupid non-thinking person would have just continued to flirt. I thought so much that I thought I noticed a change in the flirting on Friday, and I questioned why I am flirting. Usually we wonder what a man's intention is... & I am indeed curious about that too, but I wondered about my own.

So this morning I sent him an e-mail. He had asked me previously what the best pick-up line I'd ever had was. I remembered none when he asked. The e-mail said that his line about Dulcinea was ranking mighty high. I also said I didn't understand why I said some of things I said to him.

His e-mail reply said that I hadn't said anything to him that he hadn't opened the door for. When he asked me what the best pick up line I had ever had used on me, he mentioned that the radio was discussing it... Then he asked if I was familiar with the invitation to receive a back rub. I hadn't had it used as a "pick-up" line, but I know from boyfriends & hubby that it means the translation he gave it... "I'll rub your front side too." I forget how the next few lines of conversation went. That may have been when I refused to talk cuz my brain went into ultra risque. Later he said something about how I had refused him permission to give me a back rub. I told him that I did not say that, which is true; about then I was ready to let him rub any part of me despite my supposed morals. I could easily get back to that state of mind again. At another part of the day we were in a group which was flexing their various other language skills. Flirty said he couldn't twist his tongue around some sounds. I asked, "Did I hear you say you can't twist your tongue?" "No, that's not what I said," he replied with an slight blush & a "did she really say that" look on his face... but he was grinning. I meanwhile was thinking... Did I really say that out loud??? Was I really that witty & risque? & I was almost 1/2 expecting him to say something more. I know he thought about it, but we were in a group of co-workers.

This afternoon we talked. You should have seen his face when he found out my age. I think it would be accurate to say he thought/hoped I was older. It looked very similar to how I felt when I heard his age about a week ago. I think he was trying to put distance between us before that fact came out... get it back to friendly banter instead of ... awkwardness. But awkwardness was the key factor after that. Plus he doesn't think he's a flirt.

He keeps saying he's a gentleman. He does indeed have gentlemanly behaviors such as car door opening. But pulling a woman in close behind him to explain motorcycle conversations... that's flirty, not gentlemanly. Gentleman don't talk about rubbing front sides. Setting up conversations for double entendre's... sexual connotations... that's flirty, not gentlemanly. And as you can tell from above I've not been a lady, but flirty myself. It has been a lot of fun.

Now here's the shits of it all. He's fun. We weren't too different in age to notice each other. We weren't too different in age to be friendly. We weren't too different in age to flirt... ok so we mistook each others' age... but we still had fun despite it.... and now there is an awkwardness.

The true mess of it all is that I'm still curious about him. No, I don't rank my feelings up in the "crush" zone yet... & should probably be grateful for that.... But I am still curious, & I still want him in my circle of friends.... without the awkwardness, but I may have ruined that just by letting him know I thought about him all weekend and now today too.

Now if I am to live not out of fear of rejection. If I am to live out of truthfulness. Then mustn't I share this rambling crap with him? Chances are it will create more awkwardness.

Ok, there is a difference between living out of fear of rejection & being nervous as hell... isn't there? Could that be why "The truth shall set you free." feels like a lie right about now. The plan through this final editing... which added quite a bit from today was to give him the link to the blog in an e-mail. It's a lot to actually say during a work day in a work place with no guaranteed privacy--- is my official excuse for not doing it face to face.

Call me coward if you want, but it's about as brave as admitting to ex hubby that I wanted a divorce from my perspective. In some ways more so. I had to tell the ex in order to get safe. To be safe here, I just shut up, and move on. But damn it, I'm curious.