CynicalOptimist

blatherings about life, the universe & everything.... or more likely just books, students, family, & someday politics, religion and those more esoteric themes related to self actualization. Trying to be optomistic, but raised w/ Tricky Dick, bumbling Ford, Teflon Ron, Waffling-Read-My-Lips Bush & Slick Willie as her formative Presidents. Could we once again have intelligence & integrity in our nation's capital & capitol?

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Dear Ones,

It has been a month... A long yet short month. Like always, I wonder where to begin. Where to find the thread that makes the story unravel the fastest...

Well, FBE's wife lost her job. Because of this FBE had the health insurance taken out of his paycheck instead of hers. But because she is unemployed, they didn't tell the child support worksheet folks because that could mean he would owe even more child support. And she thought she'd get a job rather quickly. She hasn't.

Meanwhile, remember the mediator sent them to 2 months of counseling instead of deciding the custody situation at that time. So since she was only comfortable with the pastor as counselor for them, that's where they went... the divorce is not an option pastor. Ok, so she has her own counselor who has put her on hormones & I think something else, and they have the pastor counselor. Somewhere she hears of a "Communications Counselor" and visits him a couple of times. Then suggests that FBE go to. Well, FBE figures that he needs to talk to her at least another 7 years until the youngest is 18, so it makes more sense than the pastor, so he goes. And for balance he skips the pastor counseling... with notice and an explanation that includes her being unbearable that week too. So.... Then along the way, she reminds him that he was to get counseling, too. He doesn't remember the mediator saying three counselors were needed, but maybe in one of their personal conversations he agreed to do so. So he found a counselor to go to. I sat in the waiting room as he had his first conversation with that one this past week, after we had a nice dinner at a Texas Roadhouse.

Oh, this past week was my spring break, so I went to live with him for the week. In theory I was to work with my mom on some projects. I saw her two days & worked for her then, but probably not as much as she expected. I just wasn't in the mood to see her.

Ok, so another wrinkle to add. FBE's rental agreement states that he won't co-habitate with a woman. A church that is right next door owns the house. So my car is not parked in his driveway. It is across the street in my old church's parking lot..."Open minds, Open hearts, Open doors." It feels like a lie. True, I'm not truly co-habitating, just visiting. But also his wife can drive by. Perhaps it is best if she not KNOW my car & not KNOW where I am staying. But it still feels like a lie. Plus a bit like we are ashamed of our relationship, or at least he's ashamed of it. He says he isn't, but .... My brain understands the parking across the street. My soul has a problem with it. And I knew something didn't set well with me, but I didn't know what. As I type it now, I figure it out.

Next layer: I knew money was tight for FBE. I didn't understand how tight. Yes, he told me that he told his wife that he'd be living in his truck soon. But I knew/know he exaggerates to her. Evidently he was more truthful w/ her than me this time. On Wednesday night his eldest daughter said something about which weekend the house needs to be emptied on. This is the first I've heard of this. I restrain myself around the youngest two, but let a few comments go that let him know I'm mad, which she probably heard. Later he had to take the youngest two back to their mom. When he returned, he stated that he is surprised I'm still there. I told him that I'm not that shallow & immature. When I told him that I would marry him, I started making decisions based upon being his wife. "For better or worse, for richer or poorer" etc. Did he understand why I was mad? He actually was very good at understanding that I felt lied too, or at least deceived, that he didn't talk to me & make me part of his decision making process, that the kids knew before me. I elaborated that I had heard him berate others for poor financial decisions, but yet he would take me out to eat, drive up to see me (which costs about $100 in gas each trip with his most used vehicle), etc. instead of saving money for rent & other bills. He would put his pride before accepting help from me. I had figured that if he thought he could afford to visit me & take me out to eat, that then he was making the money stretch somehow.

See, his rent, child support, truck & motorcycle payments & utilitites add up to more than he earns. I knew he didn't have money for the lawyer, but I figured that if he put that on the credit card then the divorce could get done & he would get the settlement money & be ok. Well... We really need for her to be employed, and the custody to be more equitable so that the child support can go down. It will help a little when the eldest graduates in May; it will reduce the child support by about 1/3, but meanwhile the pit of debt will grow.

Tomorrow he will talk to an aunt of his about some money. He is her heir. She gave him money in December when he had to get a new lawyer. We pray. I bought him some groceries while he was at work yesterday before I left to come back here, because he didn't want to accept money from me. He can't take the groceries back, so he has to accept that help anyway. I even cooked some of the food, so there... Last night when I told him that I had wanted to give him money at lunch, but didn't get to because I was waiting for the plumber to finish work at his house & he ate with his co-workers. So then I told him that I planned on mailing some money to him, but realized I didn't have his address. It's a small town, so I could always invision the house & find it w/o knowing the address. To my surprise, he told me his address. I can't send much until payday, but it should help pay a bill... a small bill. I told him that when my tax return comes in then we will talk again about what we need to do to reach our common goals.

I filed my federal taxes awhile back & expect my return of around $4K before long. So today, I get an e-mail from the EX. We had verbally & through e-mail agreed for me to claim the eldest daughter while she is in college despite the official documents saying he would this year & that I would only claim the youngest son. So I only claimed her & not the combination. Letting him have the youngest. Today's e-mail said that he thinks we should do it the way the official document sets it out. This would mean a very different filing for me. I have plans for the $4K. I e-mailed him back that I had already filed as per our verbal & e-mailed agreements. I do not trust myself to verbally speak to him at this point. I was to have already filled out FAFSA documents for the daughter too. & the only reason it isn't done is because I couldn't get the damned computer program to let me do it. She & I were to sit down together this weekend & try to get it to cooperate together. But she isn't here today as I expected her to be, so I don't know when it will get done. Esp. now with the EX having his viewpoint. If he claims her, then he has to do the FAFSA, which makes her look richer, which means she gets less financial aide. Why? oh Why did I ever marry that SOB? Because, well, I knew I probably was pregnant & I was, with yes, the eldest daughter.

So.... do you see where I am? Ah, let me add a little more background.

Last weekend FBE is up here visiting, and he asks, "So did you ever have second thoughts or mixed emotions about your divorce?" Yes, I see that he is admitting that he has some, but I answer that all of my mixed emotions were gone by the time I filed... they disappeared with the slamming of a door in my face. I had had them for almost a decade of marriage, but not when I filed. I also told FBE that even after I moved out I had times when I cried because I missed the kids & the family routine, but not because I still wanted to be married. I asked him if he was having some, yup. So we talked, & I cried & he cried. & We quit "talking" & tried to be normal, and then went back to "talking" & crying. In the end I said to FBE that he needed to figure out if he was lonely or missing HER; if he missed the family & it's routines or if he missed HER; if what he felt for HER was compassion (hey, she is anorexic looking now) or IN LOVE passionately with HER. Did he trust HER? Did he think She would ever trust him again? And what is love if it doesn't have trust? ... 1st Corinthians chapter 13 was very handy at that point. He guessed he had some thinking to do. Yes, he misses the family, and the youngest 2 even told him that they now wish he had not filed for divorce. .. The two that asked to be in our wedding. I pointed out that if the divorce was final & a real routine was established for the younger two where they saw him more, & always knew when they were seeing whom, that some of that would dissipate. I don't blame them for being frustrated with this long drawn-out drama-filled escapade of a divorce.

I also told him that usually to men's dismay a woman would say something like, "Well, we could still be friends." But I don't get that consolation prize, & I don't get to even pretend that I will. & yet, he has become my best friend these past 6 months. I tell him things I don't tell my girlfriends, let alone the blog... sorry folks. I've never had a relationship with a man who was also my best friend. My female best friends always knew more than my man did, until this time around.

He says he loves me. I love him. I asked him, "if I love something, do I set it free, or do I fight for it? & if I fight for it, how do I fight for it?" He hugged me & said he didn't know.

This was Saturday when our plan had been for us to go back to his place on Sunday for me to stay the week. I left if up to him. Should I come down there or not? He said he wanted me to come to his place. So I did... my way of fighting for him I guess: Be a wife for a week.

What a mess.

We have now gone 22 hours without talking. A first since mid-October. He had a full day planned. Checking out an extra job in the morning; going to his brother's in the afternoon to do some handyman work for him. Finding a few hours to help a best friend. & all while having custody of his kids. Oh, & maybe swinging past my mom's to check on a job or two that she has for him. Maybe supper time is over... maybe I'll quit blathering here & talk to him about this emotional shithole I 've dug myself into.

Hmm, how to end this in my usual method? That's a toughy today.

May you always have a best friend to help you shovel your emotional shit around until it's good manure that makes something beautiful grow.

Take care,
Pete